Harpring Sucks...By a

I was asked to post the following masterpiece by a, one of the more unique posters on jazzfanz.com.

it's really, i mean you go up to my dog (my parents' dog) and you say "BOOM!" stretching it out in the middle, and she licks your face, the underbelly of your nose. Raul Lopez, anyone, he of infinite potential in 2003-2004 (abby is a beagle)? a pretty cute puppy doing pretty cute things under overwhelming stress (it was the correct pick; she's 11/77 years old, he has no knees), licking your nose, and Matt Harpring falls over somewhere, beside himself, oops.

he has the same initials of my most recent ex-boyfriend (and they share the same first name; the same singular, focused propensity for getting shots off and nothing else; the same guttural whine when asked to play defense; both rarely are able get up and dunk; both are white and rewarded for it) so it's an immediate irrational dislike, unfortunately, and when i watch Harpring i only see the other Matt slogging about the court, though much less pudgy (i wanna play World of Warcraft.. it would have been cute), just as boxed faced (not square-jawed) and sweaty, though i couldn't be with Harping due to my crippling vertigo, refusing to be victim to a combined equilibrium that would rival the Titanic in ferocity (crickets, and i don't have vertigo. cloverfield) remember Curtis Borchardt? no feet, no knees, god i loved 2003-2004. i'm a vegetarian ("He has as much personality as that pole over there")

i'm ambivalently unemployed, pining for the opportunity to hit open curls, though i'm not white so there's no room for me in the rotation. big surprise the WNBA died in Utah. i have lucid dreams, though, about Andrei (i met him at a bank), and the ethereal bind holding us together via mutual suffering. *swoon* my recalcitrant anti-hero, playing well out of spite for his burden, eventually leaving Utah, his newly-created wake leaving his first franchise blood-red in frustration, mediocrity, futility and permanently suffocating feelings of regret. fans clamor for athletes stripped of cliché, yet continually crucify a man for shedding tears, who's simply upset at his self-perpetuating prison created out of his own past successes, wanting only to perform up to his celestial abilities. holding up a sign for you on February 9th, lover

i eat rice and vegetables every day because i don't have a lot of money, but i do have a rice cooker, almost as if i'm making an attempt to force diversity upon myself, seeking some connection with my racial heritage through diet (not "on a diet") (i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you). i lost my journal on campus last semester. the tags of Matt Harpring's journal: Jay-Z, Best Buy, Better Basketball DVDs, LAYUPS FOR DUMMIES MILLION DOLLAR BABY damn it damn it damn it damn it damn it damn it

Live-Blog, Quarter Two: The Creeping Dull

-Gotta say, this game breaks the record for most Andres and derivatives on the court at one time. They should all go out together after the game and watch a movie.

Heh. That seal was just chock full of whimsy. Or is he a sea lion?

-I wonder if Kyle Korver is currently feeling treated like a man?

-Calvin Booth Still-In-The-League Check: yes.

-Why is Korver not in the game? He must have brought a Prada handbag to orientation meetings.

-On cue, he enters the game for Boler and Boone to ponder the alignment of the planets and the threads of fate and so on and so forth for this game to happen right after the trade.

-Korver for 3. He's dreamy.

-The Pearl claims this team now has a high watchability factor. If he means they're visible, then yes.

-KOC always looks like he's trying to forcibly eject his skull through his skin like a projectile.

-KK with another off-balance three that rattles around then goes through. Have I mentioned he's dreamy?

-Boone is apparently having a competition with Hot Rod for most incomprehensible Jazz affiliate.

-Wow. The 76er guy named Williams just stuffed Okur on one end and nailed an incredible alley-oop on the other. Memo should just turn in his testicles now.

-Going through the Philly-Utah connections. Hornacek, KOC, Harpring, Fesenko, Korver...

Holy crap, that's a lot of incredibly white folk.

-53-47, halftime. To be perfectly honest, I phased out for about 3 minutes in the quarter. I think I'm going to have to work my way back into this incrementally.
-Deron just Harpring-fouled Andre Miller. Is touched by the Spirit of Toughness.

Wait, What? LiveBlog Qtr. 1

We have a blog? And the Jazz are still playing? Damned if I knew.

So, since the last time I live-blogged, the Jazz have blown up, AK's been relegated to his 6 shots/gm 2006/2007 edition, the team has reverted to a Deron/Boozer focus that excludes all other players, Jerry Sloan has revealed himself to be an asshole, and the Jazz have turned into a .500 team.

What a surprise.

On the bright side, personal heartthrob Kyle Korver is now on the team. He's dreamy.

-First thing I hear when I turn on the TV: "Six is not a big number right now." I'll assume this is sports-related and is not the product of a debate on the relative "bigness" of six. I'll go out on a limb here and say it's bigger than five.

-Boler: "Andre Miller having a career year from the floor." Pop-up: "FG%: 49.4." God bless the NBA.

-The eight top headlines on Yahoo's NBA page include the following:

• Kings F Artest out 3 to 4 weeks
• O'Neal, Williams Sit Out Again for Heat
• Lakers' Odom Suspended for Flagrant Foul
• Pacers G Tinsley Sidelined Again
• Sonics Lose Without Durant, Wilcox

First, is anyone actually playing in the NBA? And second, someone had a thesaurus.

-The Morris Almond interview just ended with Creepy Mormon Interviewer Guy telling Almond, "At least it keeps you oiled up, right?" To get that thought out of his head, Almond's probably going to call up Dee Brown and grab a few six-packs and a stripper.

-And the first two points of the game are scored over Carlos Boozer. He did yell, though, so at least he feels bad.

-Boone just had a stroke, I think. "And an early...hit a three...for fifty dollars...Credit Union..."

-Ball clearly out off of AK, Violet Palmer signals the ball to Utah with authority. I think I'd rather have Tim Donaghy reffing.

-Memo just pump-faked and took a step toward the basket for a travel, chest-thumped and pointed at Giricek afterwards.

-I think Brewer had a collagen injection.

-Jazz shooting 86% from the floor to start the game, according to Boler. Otherwise known as 6-7.

-Went to Sam's Club today. Turns out you can buy Hot Pockets in bundles of 17. And for the life of me, I can't figure out how they pack the 17th without making the box asymmetrical.
It makes no sense.

-Boler's already picked the Diamond Play of the Game halfway through the first quarter. Having seen bits of the last week's games, I can see why he doesn't think it'll get any better.

-Giricek and Harpring check into the game with a mixed reaction. I'll assume the boos are for Harpring.

-One play, one Harpring fumble fingers, one fall, and one alley-oop fastbreak for the other team. I HAVE missed watching this team.

-The guy in the Geico commercial with Michael Winslow looks like the lovechild of Andre Agassi and Phil Collins.

-Giricek has made three horrible plays but is at least being treated as a man.

-Boone: "It looks like he was going to pass the ball but they're going to give him two shots. Look, he's going to pass the ball, and they're going to give him two shots." Boler: "*comment*" Boone: "Yeah, it looked like he was going to pass the ball, but the officials are going to give him two shots...passing the...*trails off*"

I'm not making this up.

-Jason Hart's shot makes it look like he's trying to make his 18-footers 16.5-footers.

-End of first quarter, Jazz up 24-20. Four is not a big number.