LiveBlog 'Til You Drop: Team D-Will

Wow, what a great month August was for HarpringSucks! Three posts, all of phenomenal quality! I know, our dozen of interested fan was interested in the HS takes on the Dee situation (Dee sucks), AK's quotes on Mormons (AK: "Not bad."), and all the happenings in the Jazz FO (Scrabble). I also know I had several thousand E-mails in my inbox pleading with me to publish my next fake news story, but unfortunately, the idea of writing a fake news story around Morris Almond was too boring for words. I apologize.

So, what is it HS does when it needs content without substance? It liveblogs. And tonight, I sit, pen in hand, to liveblog Team USA against Argentina until I'm too sleepy to proceed. Which will hopefully be soon.

So why do I do this? Well, as has been obvious to Jazz fans, the key to Team USA's success has been Deron Williams. To quote Ross Siler from the SLTrib Blog, "Williams finished with eight points, seven assists and three fouls in 13 minutes, making all four shots he took. The U.S. outscored Puerto Rico by 21 points in the short time that Williams played, which has to say something about his game."

21 points, ladies and gentlemen. That says something.

The Deron Williams Experience must be...well...experienced.

Dammit.

-I regret to inform the HS Reader that "Water Moccasins" has been replaced as a cliche by "SWAN!" Please update your Rolodex.

-Tonight's opponent is Argentina. In case you did not know, Argentina is located--according to Miss Teen South Carolina--"somewhere between Columbile and Gaspacho."

-Wow. Should I be disturbed that Miss Teen South Carolina--aged 17--has this picture on her official website?From the producers of Miss Teen USA: "These women are savvy, goal-oriented and aware. The contestants who become part of the Miss Universe Organization display those characteristics in their everyday lives, both as individuals who participate in the competitions to advance their careers, personal and humanitarian goals, and as women who seek to improve the lives of others. "

Certainly looks like they're setting them on the path to improve the lives of others, all right.

-Meet Team USA!

Jason Kidd: domestic violence
LeBron James: self-aggrandizing marketing tool
Kobe Bryant: possible rapist, team cancer
Carmelo Anthony: appears in drug dealers' DVDs, Utah Jazz fans know more
Deron Williams: accused in sex trial, Torrey Ellis
Michael Redd: bought father church

Go team go!

-Bill Walton already in fine form. I can't wait for him to read the Wikipedia entry for "Argentina"out loud during the second quarter.

-YB and Pearl are currently arguing the relative merits of Rachel Ray and Giada de Laurentiis in Secret Chat. WHAT ABOUT TEAM USA? THIS STUFF MATTERS.

-David Stern sitting next to Jerry Colangelo. Can't see who's sitting on his right. I suspect the following:
-I'm shocked--shocked!--that Carmelo shot the ball after his first touch. And second.

-Jason Kidd just jumped from out of bounds and tapped a ball going out of bounds into the playing area. No whistle.

Even Donaghy is upset.

OK, no more of that.

-Jason Kidd with a fastbreak. Wait...what's a fastbreak? I watch the Jazz.

-Did Bill Walton just reference Bonzi Wells' veteran leadership? If the Rockets follow his leadership, there'll be no Rockets. They'll have all left the team for possibly "disrupting team chemistry."

-'Melo, three touches, three shots. And to think, Harpring wasn't invited to join the team.

Of course, he works so hard he could get four shots on three touches.

-Apparently, most of the Argentines have taken a Nazarene vow.

-Is it just me, or has Kidd gotten whiter as time has progressed? He's almost translucent now.

-I think Mike Miller's gradually feminized hairdo is intended to mirror his game's progression to WNBA level.

"Hey, the ball. Let's shoot an outside jumper!"

57 WNBA fans: "Ooh, how fundamentally sound!"

-I suspect the old Dream Team could beat Team USA. Right now. No need for time travel.

-One of the Argentinian guys should probably figure out it's not a good idea to try and flop in the opposite direction of the impact.

-I remain stunned that Team USA has Tyson Chandler, Tayshaun Prince, and Mike Miller. I wonder how Chandler feels about taking the Christian Laettner role.

-Billups just baldwined a fastbreak.

-Bill Walton taking the opportunity to plug "The Eleventh Hour," Leo DiCaprio's lovefest for the Earth. You could get a contact high shaking hands with the man.

-As actors continue to create important projects on ecology and the environment, I wonder why they never made an action movie with Robert H. MacArthur as the lead actor.

-End of first quarter, 28-13 USA. I just realized I've actually not watched more than two or three plays.

Best liveblog ever.

SWAN!

-Walton is finally busting open the Wikipedia entry. I should have edited "Carmelo Anthony sucks at basketball and life" in the middle of the section on "Origin of Name."

-Bill Walton accurately laments the prevalence of war in South America. Then starts his next sentence, "if you want to learn more, check out the Jack Lemmon movie..."

That's true of many things in life.

-I love it when basketball players reference prior basketball players with a move. For example, Dwight Howard's dunk brick was highly reminiscent of Lisa Leslie.

Jeez, the WNBA hate just comes out when I get sleepy. Or awake.

-'Melo just hammered a dunk on top of the entire Argentinian team. The message is clear.

"Argentina: Stop Snitchin'"

-I think Carmelo's just going to sit under the basket for the rest of the game and bask in himself.

-Bill Walton's Announcing Buddy: "Alonzo's ALWAYS doing something nice in Miami." Bill Walton: "They need to name some Citizenship Award after Alonzo.

Let's let Toronto and New Jersey decide what to name it.

-The following is not content. It is only intended to get my fellow bloggers to leave the picture of the 17-year-old and scroll further down the page:Thank you for your patience.

-Amare with the quintuple-fake, also known as the Matt.

-Hey, Joaquim Phoenix plays for Argentina! I loved you in The Village! Yeah, I had no idea that was all happening in the present day! That Shyalaman, tricky devil!

-Where in the world is Deron Williams? And how could Team USA have a +21 differential without him? Ross Siler, save us!

-Why is it that any time I see a guy bank in a shot I'm supposed to treat it as some miraculous and hilarious happening? The next time I see a guy bank in a shot and the announcers don't discuss whether he "called" it will be a first.

-DERON WILLIAMS IS IN! TO DWIGHT HOWARD FOR A DUNK! REPENT!

REPENT!

-DERON WILLIAMS JUST HAD A REBOUND BOUNCE OFF HIS FACE! SIN MORE!

SIN MORE!

-Hehehe, that commercial had a man getting hit in the groin.

-Wow, the FIBA logo looks like Rainbow Brite vomited.

-I'm exhausted after watching the energy level with D-Will in the game. Night.

Sloan's Guide to Parenting

It recently came to our attention that one of the Jazzfanz community's pillars of feces-related humor, a Mr. TroutBum, had somehow managed to spawn female progeny.

http://www.jazzfanz.com/boards/viewtopic.php?t=24860

While the decision to produce a being whose sole purpose in life for the next few years is to produce bodily products that smell terrible and have to be cleaned constantly is always questionable, Trout went one step further and horribly screwed up the very first decision that every parent must make: he named his daughter "Sloan." At first I had a very complicated emotional reaction to this revelation. My mind's reaction started at the obvious "He can't possibly be paying homage to Jerry?!", quickly swung back to "maybe this is some sort of swipe at Jerry, given that he's naming a girl after him and we all know Jerry's strong feelings about the merits of masculinity," and ultimately settled somewhere between "I want to see pictures of the Baby in a John Deere cap before I make up my mind" and "Who the hell names their kid after a basketball coach?!" Ultimately, however, I'm for it for one reason and one reason only: I suspect that in order to truly raise his daughter to be a true Sloan he's going to have to transfer Jerry's tried and true coaching methods of alienation, rock-hard rigidity, hatred of Europeans, and love of hard work over talent into the realm of parenting strategies. As a result, I would like to present to Troutbum the "Jerry Sloan Guide to Parenting" several important sections of which are reproduced below.

How to deal with a newborn: Newborn babies are trouble. They lack knowledge in the fundamentals, can't be trusted to handle any important chores, stay up late at night, and frequently nap through practice. Furthermore, they seem obsessed with women's breasts and lack the ability to concentrate on any one thing for any period of time. I recommend you attempt to trade them to another parent for an older, more experienced child (preferably with less potential but a proven track record). If the baby is untradeable, chain them to the end of the crib and let them watch older children. Don't let them get experience playing and learning themselves; watching is good enough for the miscreant.

Parenting your Toddler: Toddlers seek to explore their world and frequently overstep what they are capable of. Some namby-pamby parenting books tell you to encourage your children's growth and support them when they inevitably hurt themselves while exploring their world. That's not how you make your child fear and respect you. Every time they fall while trying to walk, send them right back the crib. Speak incorrectly? Crib. Confuses the color blue with aquamarine? Crib. This only gets more effective as they get older and the shame of being put in the crib intensifies. If your assistant parent (some think of their wives as co-parents, but I think we all know the truth) blames you for making your child cry simply stare at her blankly and remark, "I'm not a mood parent, I'm not equipped to deal with that."

Managing your Tween: At this critical juncture it is important for your child to have positive role models in their life. I suggest you dictate to them who their role models should be. I send my charges to two of my favorite role-models, we'll call them "Uncle Matt" and "Uncle Derek." At this age, the self-important snots may start to get ideas that they should make decisions of their own and want to do things their way. Stamp it out of them. When my child didn't want to learn at the feet of her venerable Uncle Matt the conversation went like this:

Andrea: "I don't wanna see Uncle Matt!"

Sloan: "You don't have much of a choice, I said you have to do it. You should really take this opportunity to learn something, maybe when you're as experienced as him you'll see why these visits were so valuable."

Andrea: I can't learn anything from him. All he does anymore is sit around complain about how much his knees hurt. If I wanted to hear about that I'd go visit Great-Uncle Hornacek at the old folks home."

Sloan: "Uncle Matt can tell you a lot about life, he always had active hands and did a lot of good in the time we worked together."

Andrea: "I'll say he has active hands. Last time we went to see him he kept raising his arm over his head after he fell over again and I was walking by. I thought at first it was a coincidence his hand kept brushing against my backside, but it's happened enough times I'm not so sure."

Sloan: *sigh of admiration* "That man was always looking to score. Now come on, if you don't want to go I'll put you back in the crib."

Andrea: "I'll be good."

Showing Teens who's boss: Your teenager will often try to shock you by bringing undesirables around the house. They may smell bad, chain-smoke, tell dirty jokes, speak using words that seem foreign and unrecognizable to you, and may act in ways that you never would have dreamed of when you were their age. If this happens you need to draw a hard line with your child: NO EUROS IN THE HOUSE!

Your college-age child; preparing them for success: Many college age children don't appropriately understand their role within the larger family network. In order for the system to operate efficiently, you need to let the child know that they must conform to your stringent demands and operate within the parameters you have set for them; sacrificing totally their own needs and desires. If they want to be a marine biologist, let them know it's a pipe dream and force them to take accounting courses. If they want to be a doctor, but there's already one in the family, let them know that the role has been filled and they should take up mechanical engineering instead. Occasionally you will get a radical child, a hippie, who doesn't want to go to college at all. Instead, they will insist that they would be happiest as a chef or a baker or simply going on the Ricky Williams world pot-smoking tour. For these children there can be only one solution: promise them a sit-down meeting, then buy them a one-way ticket to Detroit and pretend they never existed.

Potential News Stories (Part 2)

After the overwhelming support for the first fake news story, here is another. Please hold back your frothing demand this time.

Wife of Derek Fisher Diagnosed with Mystery Ailment
Only Treatment Available in Paris, Will Miss Training Camp to Be with Wife
Associated Press

Los Angeles-Derek Fisher, the recently reacquired point guard for the Los Angeles Lakers, has lately had his share of problems. First, his daughter was diagnosed with a rare form of cancer. Second, his team was knocked out of the playoffs. And now, his wife has apparently developed an illness that will require him to briefly relocate yet again for the good of his family.

"About the time we got settled in at our home in Los Angeles, she began complaining of a severe headache," stated Fisher in response to a request for an interview. "We tried letting it sit for a while, but when I recommended she go to a doctor, she realized it could be too serious for regular medical treatment and found a headache specialist in Paris. Unfortunately, I was only able to book first-class tickets during training camp."

When asked about suggestions that his trip would occur at a convenient time, allowing him to skip a section of the season despised by most veterans, Fisher bristled: "I have made it entirely clear in the past that the only thing I care about is my family. Nothing business or personal enters my decisions besides the health and well-being of my family."

At this point, the interview was interrupted as Fisher needed to take a call confirming reservation at the Hotel Meurice, a five-star luxury hotel located in central Paris. Later calls were politely declined.

In an attempt to establish a time-table for Fisher's return, calls were made to the headache specialist to discuss the treatment schedule. He replied that his usual diagnosis is for 2 Baby Aspirin and a day of bedrest.