The Andrei Kirilenko Magical Mystery Tour

Despite the Jazz long and deep run through the playoffs to the Western Conference finals, news reports and fan chatter seem to indicate that management will give in to temptation sometime this summer and shake up the team. You know, because different is always better. The primary locus of much of this activity centers around Andrei Kirilenko who has taken some complaints with Mr. IJSPD public, albeit in a Russian newspaper. Despite his clever use of some sort of code with backwards N's and R's, the American media still figured out that Andrei wasn't happy with his position and it didn't take a genius to figure out the team probably wasn't thrilled about paying max money to a former all-star who wasn't averaging double figures in ... well ... anything. All of this leads to the natural conclusion: A trade is in order.

Unfortunately most people are focusing on things they perceive the team needs in terms of their on-court success. Most proposals focus on either getting a shooting guard (don't they know Derek Fisher does that?) or on shoring up the team's interior defense. What these purported trade brokers have clearly misunderstood is that Andrei's greatest value to the team has never been his on-court play but in his sheer entertainment value for fans. We here at Harpringsucks have always been a lover of the mohawk, the gangly way he runs with childlike abandon, his famous malapropisms in broken english (see the famous description of Stockton as having "back-head-eyes"), the way every play is a potential alley-oop when he's throwing the pass even if it's Dee Brown or Milt Palacio running to the basket, and of course the famed free pass. Any trade of Andrei Kirilenko will be a disaster unless we get someone just as quirky and entertaining in return. To that end, I propose the following trades that may be disastrous on the basketball court but that will make us fun to watch both on and off the floor. Every trade is analyzed with entertainment pros and cons.

1. Andrei Kirilenko for Ron Artest

Pro: The thought of Ron attempting to wrestle mormon fans in the stands gives me glee. His hands might burst into flames instantly upon touching the temple garments.

Con: He'd probably never play. It's pretty obvious that he'd take up permanent residence in Sloan's dog house even if he averaged 50-50-50 every game he played in.

Pro: Although it's hard to top AK for crazy family stories (a la the infamous "once a season pass"), Ron Artest's posse and family obligations were once so large that while a rookie with the Bulls he actually applied for a job at Circuit City to supplement his NBA salary. Unsurprisingly, the Bulls weren't thrilled about it. The prospect of him feeling poor because Sloan has levied so many fines on him that he takes a job at Deseret Industries during the off-season is pretty much too irresistible for me to pass up.

Con: Artest might ask for a month off to promote his upcoming album as the "Tru Warier" sending Jerry Sloan and giving him a coronary making it so Phil Johnson would have to coach the team. Aw hell, I'm changing that to a pro.

Pro: He has a lot of team spirit. Remember, he wanted Bonzi Wells to stay on the Kings so much he threatened to chain him to the bathroom fixtures and beat his legs if he attempted to leave. How many games has Bonzi played since then?

Odds: 50,000 to 1.

2. Andrei Kirilenko for Rasheed Wallace

Pro: The man could show his championship belt to the team after hard losses, abrogating Derek Fisher's role on the team.

Con: Frequent suspensions because of technical fouls. On the positive side, he could probably teach Sloan some new curse words.

Pro: He could bring in that Rogaine sponsorship the Jazz lost after Malone left.

Con: Don't we already have a "low post player" who shoots 3 pointers?

Pro: An actual quote from an actual Rasheed Wallace: "Keep us on the back-burner. We won't lose our swagger at all, because when

you put that food on the back-burner, it's just simmering and it tastes better. When you got that food on the front burner, that's the one you're paying attention to the most, and that's the one that might burn. We're on that back-burner.” That might be as close to "back-head-eyes" as we get.

Pro: If we get even one press conference like the infamous "both teams played hard" debacle, I'll consider the trade a success.

Odds: 10,000 to 1

3. Andrei Kirilenko for Stephen Jackson

Too easy. Sometimes the jokes just write themselves

Odds: 15,000 to 1

4. Andrei Kirilenko for Gilbert Arenas

In a realistic sense we'd have to package another good player or two to get him but in terms of entertainment value he's incredible

Pro: We could all marvel at "Gilbertology," the word used the Washington D.C. area to describe Arena's unorthodox behavior. While with the Warriors, he once took a shower at half time in full uniform. Before every game he would take a teammate's jersey and hide it in the locker room to make them look for it. He also used to lick or put baby powder on donuts he was forced to deliver to the team as a prank.

Con: Jerry will try to play him at the 2.

Pro: He never leaves his hotel room on road trips. Preferring instead to sit in his room, watch infomercials, and order massive quantities of colon cleanser. That's not a joke: http://men.msn.com/articlees.aspx?cp-documentid=1084861

Con: Gilbert attempts to collect everything (except for apparently sanity). He's on record as attempting to collect every movie ever made. Ever. Every one. This could lead to odd things going missing in the locker room and I think we all know that Okur is one missing stick of deodorant away from killing everyone in a 2 mile radius.

Pro: Matt Harpring might vaguely remind him of Coach K (southern guys who preach hard work and are generally poseurs). This could lead to excusable homicide.

Pro: Will be an all-star at all costs. During the 2003-2004 season, Arenas tried to vote himself into the All Star game, trading a pair of shoes and a jersey for a box of ballots.

Pro: Jerry Sloan + Gilbert Arenas + press conference = comedy gold.

Screw it, let's trade the whole team for Gilbert.

Odds: 1,000,000 to 1.