Sloan's Guide to Parenting

It recently came to our attention that one of the Jazzfanz community's pillars of feces-related humor, a Mr. TroutBum, had somehow managed to spawn female progeny.

http://www.jazzfanz.com/boards/viewtopic.php?t=24860

While the decision to produce a being whose sole purpose in life for the next few years is to produce bodily products that smell terrible and have to be cleaned constantly is always questionable, Trout went one step further and horribly screwed up the very first decision that every parent must make: he named his daughter "Sloan." At first I had a very complicated emotional reaction to this revelation. My mind's reaction started at the obvious "He can't possibly be paying homage to Jerry?!", quickly swung back to "maybe this is some sort of swipe at Jerry, given that he's naming a girl after him and we all know Jerry's strong feelings about the merits of masculinity," and ultimately settled somewhere between "I want to see pictures of the Baby in a John Deere cap before I make up my mind" and "Who the hell names their kid after a basketball coach?!" Ultimately, however, I'm for it for one reason and one reason only: I suspect that in order to truly raise his daughter to be a true Sloan he's going to have to transfer Jerry's tried and true coaching methods of alienation, rock-hard rigidity, hatred of Europeans, and love of hard work over talent into the realm of parenting strategies. As a result, I would like to present to Troutbum the "Jerry Sloan Guide to Parenting" several important sections of which are reproduced below.

How to deal with a newborn: Newborn babies are trouble. They lack knowledge in the fundamentals, can't be trusted to handle any important chores, stay up late at night, and frequently nap through practice. Furthermore, they seem obsessed with women's breasts and lack the ability to concentrate on any one thing for any period of time. I recommend you attempt to trade them to another parent for an older, more experienced child (preferably with less potential but a proven track record). If the baby is untradeable, chain them to the end of the crib and let them watch older children. Don't let them get experience playing and learning themselves; watching is good enough for the miscreant.

Parenting your Toddler: Toddlers seek to explore their world and frequently overstep what they are capable of. Some namby-pamby parenting books tell you to encourage your children's growth and support them when they inevitably hurt themselves while exploring their world. That's not how you make your child fear and respect you. Every time they fall while trying to walk, send them right back the crib. Speak incorrectly? Crib. Confuses the color blue with aquamarine? Crib. This only gets more effective as they get older and the shame of being put in the crib intensifies. If your assistant parent (some think of their wives as co-parents, but I think we all know the truth) blames you for making your child cry simply stare at her blankly and remark, "I'm not a mood parent, I'm not equipped to deal with that."

Managing your Tween: At this critical juncture it is important for your child to have positive role models in their life. I suggest you dictate to them who their role models should be. I send my charges to two of my favorite role-models, we'll call them "Uncle Matt" and "Uncle Derek." At this age, the self-important snots may start to get ideas that they should make decisions of their own and want to do things their way. Stamp it out of them. When my child didn't want to learn at the feet of her venerable Uncle Matt the conversation went like this:

Andrea: "I don't wanna see Uncle Matt!"

Sloan: "You don't have much of a choice, I said you have to do it. You should really take this opportunity to learn something, maybe when you're as experienced as him you'll see why these visits were so valuable."

Andrea: I can't learn anything from him. All he does anymore is sit around complain about how much his knees hurt. If I wanted to hear about that I'd go visit Great-Uncle Hornacek at the old folks home."

Sloan: "Uncle Matt can tell you a lot about life, he always had active hands and did a lot of good in the time we worked together."

Andrea: "I'll say he has active hands. Last time we went to see him he kept raising his arm over his head after he fell over again and I was walking by. I thought at first it was a coincidence his hand kept brushing against my backside, but it's happened enough times I'm not so sure."

Sloan: *sigh of admiration* "That man was always looking to score. Now come on, if you don't want to go I'll put you back in the crib."

Andrea: "I'll be good."

Showing Teens who's boss: Your teenager will often try to shock you by bringing undesirables around the house. They may smell bad, chain-smoke, tell dirty jokes, speak using words that seem foreign and unrecognizable to you, and may act in ways that you never would have dreamed of when you were their age. If this happens you need to draw a hard line with your child: NO EUROS IN THE HOUSE!

Your college-age child; preparing them for success: Many college age children don't appropriately understand their role within the larger family network. In order for the system to operate efficiently, you need to let the child know that they must conform to your stringent demands and operate within the parameters you have set for them; sacrificing totally their own needs and desires. If they want to be a marine biologist, let them know it's a pipe dream and force them to take accounting courses. If they want to be a doctor, but there's already one in the family, let them know that the role has been filled and they should take up mechanical engineering instead. Occasionally you will get a radical child, a hippie, who doesn't want to go to college at all. Instead, they will insist that they would be happiest as a chef or a baker or simply going on the Ricky Williams world pot-smoking tour. For these children there can be only one solution: promise them a sit-down meeting, then buy them a one-way ticket to Detroit and pretend they never existed.