Possibly the worst blog on the planet

It has been chronicled ad nauseum on this website that the Utah Jazz have an amazing propensity to give work to people who simply work hard and try their best rather than those who are actually talented and would do the best work. While this has previously only applied to players like Matt Harpring, whose on-court performance wildly vacillates between the patently absurd and putridity, the team has decided to expand its penchant for mediocrity into the online world of blogging by opening a blog sponsored by the team that is written entirely by pre-selected fans. While this sounds like a great concept in theory, the reality is that the result is more optimistic and warm than Mary Poppins on an ecstasy trip at Disneyland.

The website is located at http://www.jazzbots.com/. The team-sponsored bloggers who can only post positive things about the organization actually call themselves "jazzbots." Sometimes the jokes just write themselves.

As you might imagine we don't take kindly to that sort of tone around here; and what's worse is that the blog posts are invariably either horribly boring, completely inane, or borderline racist. Don't believe me? Let's go down the list of a representative sample of jazzbots posts thus far. In fact, this might even become a regular feature.

1. Article about the mascot: I'm sure everyone on the internet actively seeks out information about the Jazz bear making public appearances to drum up interest in the team doing charitable work in the community, but just can't find a good resource detailing the bear's charitable works. Unfortunately the blog post about the bear starts with the following:

What’s big and brown and has everyone cheering?

With all due credit given to prodigy at jazzfanz.com, my initial thought after reading the opening sentence was not of the jazz bear but of this guy:

I'm sure that the team located in Salt Lake City wants that associated with the organization. Of course the article eventually acknowledges that the author has no idea who she's celebrating because the Jazz bear wears a full body suit and conceals the wearer's identity. You know who else employs such a tactic to prevent public identification?

And before you guys say "that's over the top" let's go to the next absurd jazzbots.com post.

2. Birth of a Nation: That's not my title for this post, that was the title selected by the actual author. While the author clearly means it to be about the birth of "jazzbots nation" (a frightening prospect given the "sponsored by candy and toy companies" feel of the website) he probably forgot about the immediate images that the phrase "Birth of a Nation" immediately evokes.

In completely unrelated news, Utah is currently ranked the 38th most educated state in the country.

3. Stilted Writing: One blog poster attempted to write an article about how she was a "convert" from being a Green Bay Packer football fan to a Utah Jazz fan. There's nothing wrong with the premise, but it's obvious that she hasn't written an essay since the fourth grade because she opens her post this way:

con·vert n. 1. A person who is converted from one opinion or practice to
another; a person who is won over to, or heartily embraces, a creed, religious
system, or party, in which he has not previously believed.

I'm so glad to see that the immortal classic "My First Term Paper" is still selling copies, even if its full grown adults buying it for their own use. In all honesty, I have a 10 year old brother and if he started writing a paper that way I'd punch him in the face for being an unoriginal hack. This woman deserves at least two shots to the ovaries.

4. Obvious "awwwww factor": One of the blog "contributors" (I put the term in quotes because most of the blog posts contribute next to nothing) is an elementary school class. I'm sure they'll deliver hard hitting journalism about the Jazz. For instance did you know that most boys in the class like playing AND watching basketball but most girls don't want to play? I'm glad to see that Ms. Jackie Corbridge of Lucille C. Reading Elementary school is playing to gender stereotypes (after all was there any other reason to bifurcate her "polling" by gender?) in her initial blog posts. I fully expect post #2 to be titled "why the only black student in Utah is the most athletic" or "our Asian students are the best at math AND karate."

Who am I kidding? This class is probably actually taught by Clayton Bigsby. The teacher will never give black students credit for being athletic.

5. "Sloan for President": Another actual title for a blog post. Just when I thought actual politicians were stubborn.

Next week: the "Jerry Sloan as Commander in Chief Decision Flow Chart."

Dealing with AK's contract: Unconventional Solutions for make benefit of great communist recreation ball player

Over the last few days, there's been much hullabaloo made over the increasingly bizarre contract dispute between the Utah Jazz and Andrei Kirilenko (and yes this entire sentence was constructed just so I could use the word hullabaloo, don't pretend you weren't impressed). The most newsworthy blast was made by Kirilenko (right, contritely eating his cereal like a good boy), when he stated that he'd be willing to give up the entire balance of his $63 million contract over the next four years in exchange for freedom from the team. To put that in perspective, that's approximately 7,884,856 Russian pulp novels worth of cash. Kirilenko's "threat" to agree to invalidate his contract entirely combined with an actual implied promise of a training camp holdout has left much of the national basketball media scrambling for an answer to how the Jazz plan to deal with their disgruntled former all-star.

Unsurprisingly, given the identity of the team involved, most of the reporting coverage has been dedicated to very conventional solutions that only the most unimaginative of GMs would seriously consider as an A-strategy. Furthermore, the coverage seems to make the (faulty) assumption that AK holds all the bargaining chips in this situation even though he's the one contractually bound to play for the Jazz and has little recourse for playing overseas given that FIBA honors NBA contracts. To that end, after summarizing the most commonly advocated strategies by most of the basketball media for dealing with AK (and explaining why they suck), we investigate some actually novel and interesting strategies the Jazz could pursue for either making Kirilenko honor his contract and play hard or for getting top value for him if the Jazz feel they must export the Russian Rifle.

Conventional (i.e. Boring) Strategies:

1. Make the classic panic trade after a public player demand to leave the team:

Let's just set aside the fact that the panic trade pretty much never works out for the team trying to get rid of the disgruntled star for a moment and examine exactly what deals have been bandied about in the media recently. After a close look it becomes apparent all possible deals are either wholly unrealistic or consist of a classic "one dollar for 3 quarters" trade.

One popular rumor featured the Jazz trading AK to Phoenix for Shawn Marion. Another popular, and just as likely, rumor features the Loch Ness Monster inhabiting a Scottish lake. You know, unless Robert Sarver feels like starting a riot in Phoenix just for kicks.

Another rumor features the Jazz getting Lamar Odom in return for shipping our favorite spiky-haired pinko to Los Angeles. Somehow I don't think that's the sort of help that Kobe Bryant was looking for. Also, I'm sure the Jazz need another power forward.

Finally, Henry Abbott at True Hoop proposed what was essentially an Andrei Kirilenko swap to Portland for Jarrett Jack, Raef Lafrentz, and Channing Frye. In completely unrelated news it's been alleged that Henry Abbott is a Portland Trailblazers fan. I'm just stunned he didn't try to trade us Greg Oden's knee in exchange for Carlos Boozer. Although as an added bonus, I'm sure Kevin O'Connor really thinks we need another guard right now.

Let's be honest guys, with every repeated trade request, and as GM's smell blood in the water around a desperate organization it is far more likely we're going to get this guy than anyone that's actually useful:

On the positive side, Matt Harpring would finally have someone to accompany him to the bathroom and help him powder his nose. While female fans would love this, I can't imagine any situation that would make me more unhappy.

2. Eat the Contract:

Some are advocating that the Jazz take Andrei Kirilenko up on his offer to cancel the contract in its entirety. The idea being that this would generate massive salary cap room so the Jazz could sign someone else immediately. The only problem with this idea: there's no one really out there to sign right now because the Jazz have missed the free agent boat by about 2 months. Unless of course the Jazz wanted to sign Roger Powell Jr. in an effort to win back those Illinois fans they alienated by cutting Dee Brown (by the way, good luck in Turkey Dee. I hear they only throw batteries at the players there about 50% of the time). Roger Powell Jr. has been tearing up the Developmental League; of course so has Randy Livingston so take that for what it's worth. So while we get Roger Powell Jr. another team would get to pick up Andrei Kirilenko at a discount rate. This sounds like a great deal for the Jazz.

The most interesting thing about the invalidate the contract idea is that the only real precedent over the last several years is the Derek Fisher contract cancellation earlier this summer, which was undertaken supposedly due to special circumstances. Of course if Kirilenko wants to give up that kind of cash, a completely unprecedented move, the Player's Association might have something to say about that. Of course, we all know who the president of the Player's Association is.

3. Wait it Out:

We all know how well this is working out for the Lakers with regards to Kobe's on-again off-again trade demands. Also, I can think of all sorts of teams that have performed well during an ongoing contract dispute with its highest paid player. That's a sure-fire recipe for success following our run to the Western Conference finals. I can't think of a more fool-proof strategy.

So our options are trade for some crappy player who has a similarly bloated contract (or the refuse left in Henry Abbott's sink in the morning), give another team a huge boon in Andrei Kirilenko while we get back nothing, or create season long controversy immediately. I'm sure thrilled with those options, aren't you? Here's some alternatives:

Unconventional Strategies:

1. If Kirilenko leaves, make him sign a non-competition agreement:

This option has only been discussed tangentially (I've seen exactly two sentences about it in one SLTrib Blog Entry) in the media. The idea is simple: if the Jazz really want to just get the whole situation over with immediately by invalidating Kirilenko's contract they should get rid of some of the sting by ensuring that he doesn't sign with a rival and proceed to burn them between 2-4 times a year plus the playoffs. Thus, as part of the buy-out agreement the team would force AK to agree not to sign with another NBA team for a specified number of years (presumably 4 given that's the length of his current contract with the Jazz), and would gain a functional guarantee that he's banished to Siberia for the foreseeable future.

My reading of the CBA and Larry Coon's CBA FAQ indicates there is no explicit prohibition on the Jazz including such a non-competition agreement. Of course there's nothing saying it's kosher either. That lands this idea in questionable territory, although someone would actually have to protest it in order for its potential invalidity to mean anything. It's a good thing we've established so much goodwill with the president of the Player's Association right?

Pros: Jazz prevent the messy contract situation from benefiting a rival team.

Cons: Jazz still receive no compensation for their former all-star.

2. Use the big bargaining chip: Olympic play

It's no secret that AK played with a renewed fervor during the recently concluded Eurobasket 2007 tournament, where he was named MVP. In fact, AK has made several statements after that tournament indicating that playing for the Russian national team and representing his country is extremely important to him. Funny, I think getting high value out of his $63 million investment is probably important to Larry Miller. This might give Larry some leverage.

Unfortunately Kirilenko isn't allowed to play for the national team unless Larry gives him the ok because of his current contract with the Jazz. How do you think AK would react if Larry told him in no uncertain terms "Shut up, show up to training camp, play hard, and stay after practice to keep Jerry and Deron Williams happy or else I'm not signing your permission slip to Beijing." Bad PR move in Russia for the Jazz owner? Probably. I'm thinking the cossacks don't have all that many season tickets though. This has thus far been a severely overlooked and powerful bargaining chip in the Jazz's pocket.

Pros: AK sticks around and plays out the season; Larry Miller gag order largely removes team distraction.

Cons: Potential nuclear conflict with Russia; Possibility that Andrei Kirilenko doesn't really care about playing for the national team so threats of holding him out of the Olympics rings hollow.

3. Convert AK into different highly tradable assets:

There are still a handful of mid-value free agents out on the market (think Sasha Pavlovic, Chris Webber, and Anderson Varejao) looking for a home and who's former team is eligible to include them in a sign and trade deal.

The last few years should have taught us all one thing: First round draft picks and expiring contracts are gold in the current NBA trade market.

The Jazz could offer a team with an unsigned free agent Andrei Kirilenko straight up in exchange for a highly value inflated expiring contract and one or more first round draft picks. Under this scenario, the (just as one example) Cleveland Cavaliers would agree to a sign and trade deal with Sasha Pavlovic for $39 million for three seasons with a team option after the first year and trade him and a first round draft pick to the Jazz in exchange for Andrei Kirilenko. The only reason Pavlovic's deal is for three years is because the NBA CBA requires sign and trade deals to be at least three years in length but only the first year must be guaranteed. Presumably Pavlovic would understand that he's in effect signing a one year deal for $13 million.

After this deal went down the Cavaliers would have the current Eurobasket 2007 MVP in exchange for only a role player and a draft pick, the Jazz would have two highly tradable and valuable assets in exchange for Kirilenko and potential salary cap flexibility next off-season, and Sasha Pavlovic would get $13 million for playing the shell game and unrestricted free agency next off-season. I'm guessing any current free agent would agree to such a ludicrously enriching scheme.

Pros: Jazz get flexibility and assets; smile put on face of relatively crappy player; draft picks likely in the mid-to-late first round.

Cons: Kirilenko employed by another NBA team, presumably a contender willing to part with first round draft picks; Jazz would inevitably use the assets to acquire Aaron Gray.

Jazz Media Day in the Life

With Media Day rapidly approaching, there is a lot of anticipation of how things may go. With recent events, both Jazz related and non-Jazz related, what if the two converged?

First question to Ronnie Brewer....Ronnie, why is it that some players don't seem to learn how to play in the league?

Ronnie: “I personally believe, that N.B.A. players, are unable to do so, because uh, some, people out there, in our league don’t have maps.and uh…I believe that our education like such as in South Alabama,and the Washington,everywhere like such as…and, I believe they should uh,our education over here,in the N.B.A. should help the N.B.A. or should help South Alabama,and should help the Washington and Canadian countries so we will be able to build up our future, for us.”

Interviewer: .................Thank you Ronnie.

Question for Mehmet Okur: Memo, the treatment of AK has been fairly harsh lately by fans and media. Do you have any thoughts?

Memo: How friggin dare anyone out there make fun of Andrei after all he has been through. He has a crazy wife. He had two friggin kids. His wife turned out to be a user, a weirdo and now he's going through a trade demand. All you people care about is….. readers and making money off of him. HE’S A HUMAN! What you don’t realize is that Andrei is making you all this money and all you do is write a bunch of crap about him. He hasn’t performed on court in years. His request is to “give me more” for a reason because all you people want is MORE MORE MORE MORE MORE. LEAVE HIM ALONE! You are lucky he even played for you BASTARDS! LEEEAVE AANNDDRREEII ALLLLLONE!…..Please. The media talked about professionalism and said if Andrei was a professional he would’ve pulled it off no matter what. Speaking of professionalism, when is it professional to publically bash someone who is going through a hard time. Leave Andrei Alone Please…. Leave Andrei Kirilenko alone…right now….I mean it.

It appears that Andrei Kirilenko wants to ask a question.

Kirilenko: Yes, I would like to ask Coach why he has not won any titles. I have won a title, now. Coach, it is thought that you are among the best coaches in the league, but you have not won anything.

Sloan: I am aware of that.

Kirilenko continues: You make a lot of money but have not won. What would you attribute..

Security guards arrive.

Kirilenko: I'm not finished...thank you for turning off my mic. No, I'm not leaving.

Guards wrestle Kirilenko to the ground.

Kirilenko: What are you doing? No! NOOOO! DON'T TASE ME BRO!

Buzzing is heard.

Kirilenko: OW! OW! OOOOWWWWWWW!

Memo: LEAVE HIM ALONE, YOU BASTARDS! IS THAT NECESSARY?


I can't wait for Media Day.

The shooting guard comeback tour

There's something in the water in Boca Raton. This summer tons of retired NBA players such as Anfernee Hardaway, Allan Houston, Reggie Miller, and Doug Christie (and more importantly Jackie Christie) have publicly contemplated a comeback; presumably after realizing that outside of their NBA careers they have virtually nothing to offer to society. Stunningly, some Utah Jazz fans have actually advocated giving Houston and Christie a chance even though we already have a 6'11" All-Star Turkish shooting guard. Plus he's at least a decade younger than all of the comeback candidates and still looks younger than Greg Oden. Despite this reality, people still seem to want to give these guys a chance on the theory that shooting doesn't deteriorate with age (although apparently they forget that in order to get space to shoot you need to be able to run and jump, which of course does decline with age).

Harpringsucks wants to know why, as long as we're throwing the switch on the wayback machine why don't we go even farther back. After all if shooting doesn't deteriorate with age these guys should still be good.

Jeff Hornacek - Most recently with the Utah Jazz

Pros: Great nickname; His kids should finally be old enough to understand why that whole "I'm petting the side of my face to say 'hi' to you while I'm shooting free throws" is utterly ridiculous; increases the Jazz "whiteness factor" (an important issue for selling tickets in the Salt Lake market); he also won the 2-ball competition during all-star weekend one year and everyone knows 2-ball is HOT right now for marketing purposes.

Cons: His knees are currently softer than your grandmother's jello salad; would probably prefer playing with the Suns; Sloan would probably try to play him at Small Forward on the theory that he hustles more than AK.

Michael Cooper - Most recently with the Los Angeles Lakers

Pros: Current coaching position with Los Angeles Sparks makes him ideal candidate to help AK with emotional issues; positive role model as he appeared in 1980s era Jaime Escalante videos.

Cons: May infect locker room as he's been in close contact with Magic Johnson; called Alley-oop plays run for him the "coop-a-loop" which even John Amaechi thinks is too gay for sports.

Drazen Petrovic - Most Recently with New Jersey Nets

Pros: Most celebrated European player of his era; had a lot of game left when his career ended; short career means his legs don't have a lot of miles on them.

Cons: Dead, which means he'd only be marginally more useful than Jarron Collins

World B. Free - Most Recently with Houston Rockets

Pros: Fantastic name; dynamic scorer; won the (USBL) championship with the Miami Tropics; doesn't even need a nickname; flamboyant and colorful wardrobe;

Cons: None. Oh yeah, except that he's 54 freakin' years old. But we should totally sign this guy even if it prevents us from developing Ronnie Brewer, C.J. Miles, and even *shudder* Morris Almond.

Mehmet Okur: Spokesman

Glad to see that Memo is getting commercials in his native Turkey.



I can't decide what the most unrealistic part of this video is. It's either Memo's ability to split into two people (difficult even for Uri Geller), the fact that Memo was able to stop himself on defense (with a steal that I don't think I've ever seen him display in a real game), or that something called "Dimes" doesn't taste like ass.

Who am I kidding, Memo's defense is clearly the the most fictional element of the advertisement.