Hollinger, Jazzbots, and Stephen Jackson Oh My!

Levar Burton Jazzbots’ newest blogger: Johnathan Kendrick gives a stirring defense of the NBA’s long alleged penchant for fixing games by pointing out how if they’re doing it they’re really bad at it. I think “If we fix games, we’re doing it badly” should be next year’s NBA marketing campaign. Even better, he concludes his blog post with a blatant ploy for comments by ending with “That’s my opinion, what’s yours?” (By the way you can comment on this blog with the conveniently located link at the bottom of this post). I can only assume that Mr. Kendrick was a reading rainbow fan. But… don’t take my word for it. *Da Dah Da*

The fact that the supposed impetus for this article (the Tim Donaghy scandal) somehow implicates the NBA organizational heads in Mr. Kendrick’s mind, however, is somewhat inscrutable on its own merits. Interestingly, this same connection was made this week by jazzbots Annie Whittaker. Unless the FBI is alleging that David Stern is some sort of organized crime boss (an idea that I’m not wholly opposed to, if for no other reason than I like the idea of that room he goes into during the draft that no one ever sees being full of gangster’s molls, cocaine, and a perpetually looping track of that episode of the Sopranos where Furio takes a baseball bat to the Asian massage parlor) I don’t think there’s ever been any allegation that Stern had anything to do with Donaghy’s betting. Furthermore, the type of game-fixing contemplated in this blog post has to do with actually altering outcomes whereas most Donaghy discussion has centered around the idea that Donaghy was influencing the total number of points scored in order to affect total points so that bettors could win on the over/under bet.

What’s truly fascinating about the idea that an allegation against a lone NBA official that is completely extraneous to NBA actions would immediately bring to mind long-standing conspiracy theories involving the NBA’s interest in promoting team success for teams in large markets is that this is a pattern of association we don’t see in other major sports leagues. Baseball’s steroid scandal led to accusations that baseball was indifferent to the trend of performance enhancing drugs in the sport, but did not lead to allegations that the league office actually wanted specific teams to win. Football’s recent debacles with player conduct and resulting long-term suspensions of players has in no way been associated with a league interest in specific teams winning. Even the recent mini-scandal involving the NFL’s rush to destroy any possible evidence that the New England Patriots may have stolen opposition signs in the SuperBowl has not led to any allegations that the NFL has some vested interest in helping the Patriots win. In the NBA, a league where there is ongoing debate still about whether or not a draft lottery was fixed more than 20 years ago, such conduct would have instantly raised the idea of “conspiracy” in the minds of many NBA fans. All of this despite virtually no evidence that any conspiracy to fix games has ever originated from the league office. This tells us something about the NBA (or its fans), I just have no clue what.

Jesus kills space marines: The New York Times had an article this week about church youth groups encouraging attendance by encouraging their ministers in training to treat each other the way missionaries used to treat indigenous people: KILL THEM! Apparently, several youth ministers across the country have decided to make the church more commercial make the church more “relevant” by luring children in the door by promising to let them play Halo 3. As one 12 year old explains the game’s appeal: ““It’s just fun blowing people up.”

Interestingly children under 17 can’t purchase the game because it has been rated “M for mature audiences” by the Entertainment Software Ratings Board. You know who was at the forefront of pushing for game ratings so that parents wouldn’t find out their children were playing games with violence without fair warning? The same religious groups buying them en masse.

While intellectually inconsistent, I must say that it will probably be effective. I know I would have stayed a Boy Scout (my church’s Wednesday night youth group activity) for far longer had there been a “frag your friends” merit badge.

6th graders prove to make no better arguments than 4th graders: It turns out jazzbots actually has enlisted the aide of two elementary school classes. Ms. Karen Chatterton’s 6th grade class recently took up the question “should a professional athlete be paid millions of dollars?” Viewing the responses is even more fun if you picture this as CNN cross-fire with a bow-tie clad Tucker Carlson making points like “I personally think that some should because they work really hard to reach their goals.” (Tucker was clearly a Keon Clark fan).

Some highlights:

“Professional basketball players should be paid millions because they play basketball in front of a lot of people just like magicians.” (I had no idea magicians played basketball in front of a lot of people. I’d pay to watch Uri Gellar play Criss Angel in One-on-one though. Uri could bend the rim with his mind to make the hoop larger on his offensive possessions and Criss Angel would have an unstoppable levitation based offense. Payment for the game would, of course, be funded through the James Randi One Million Dollar Paranormal Challenge).

“No, they shouldn’t make millions of dollars because they get to play a sport they love playing. They also get to be famous. They should get hundreds, but not millions.” (This student is destined to manage a professional basketball team in Greece, where teams are infamous for repeatedly promising players that they will paid “next week.” Also, David Stern needs this kid to draw a hard line in the next collective bargaining session with the player’s union.)

A PR Move sure to be popular in Salt Lake City: Jazzbots blogger Cameron Hanson (who has not followed up on his attendance at University of Utah Homecoming, leading Harpring Sucks to believe that he went home and memorized Simpsons quotes alone….again) urges AK to be more like Dennis Rodman. If this leads to Carmen Electra sightings in the ESA and multi-colored mohawks I’m all for it.

Ooops: Alan Hinckley calls Magic Johnson “the triple double king.” I’d hate to be him when Oscar Robertson knocks on his door ready to deliver a beatdown.

Maybe we can kiss at mid-court afterwards: As part of the crack team of hard hitting journalists employed at jazzbots.com, an 11 year old says if she was coaching the team “[b]efore each game I would tell the team that it’s not all about winning. It’s about having fun with your friends.”

I’m thinking she also would have named Stephen Jackson captain this week, after all who has more fun with his friends than Stephen Jackson? Which brings us to our next Stephen Jackson related point:

STEPHEN JACKSON NAMED CAPTAIN?!: Harpring Sucks’ elite team of private investigators (think Veronica Mars but with a believable premise, threatening villains, and more convincing noir elements) has gotten a leaked copy of the presentation that got Stephen Jackson named Team Captain. The proposed Stephen Jackson team building activities:

#1. Stripclub gun-shot dance-off: Team members participate in a relay-race in which they must avoid oncoming automobiles in a strip club parking lot by dancing out of the way, shoot wildly into the air, all while balancing their stripper (Team one gets "Destiny," Team two gets "Coco") under their arm.

#2. Marijuana Sculptures: At the beginning of practice (or during a break) three joints will be placed at each teammate's place on the floor. Teammates will then be asked to create sculptures from their joints. In other words, they can do anything they want with them.

At the end of practice ask the team to select a winning pot sculpture.

Remember, a strong team is one that respects personal boundaries. As a result, don't ask if some of the materials for this activity happen to go missing and ignore all strange odors during the team-building exercise.

#3. Visit a gun-fire Range: For added fun, Mr. Jackson is bringing his own custom-made targets that look shockingly like the average NBA fan. Rumors that these targets are wearing Ben Wallace Pistons jerseys are thus far unconfirmed.

#4. Team Bubble-Bath!: Extra points awarded to the player who can make the best replica of Baron Davis' beard with bath bubbles.

#5. Tattoo informational meeting: Hosted by special guests Matt Barnes and local urban artist "Spyder Enigma." Teammates will be encouraged to get a team-themed tattoo. Early ideas include a heart with the word "Nellie" on the inside, a halo-ed Antoine Walker representing the patron saint of the worthless 3 point attempt, and a tight-fisted caricature of Chris Mullin.

Frankly, I would have named him team captain too.

One ball isn’t enough for this man: Matt Harpring’s newest Media Day photo:

Skills Practice Results: The eight year old Mueller daughter tells us “I like to play basketball because it’s fun to play. The funnest thing about it is shooting.” I think it’s safe to say she attended the Matt Harpring basketball camp this summer.

Bizarre Hollinger Predictions: With regards to his NBA record predictions, which we viciously lampooned last week for impliedly stating that the Western and Eastern conferences would be essentially equal in the upcoming season, John Hollinger is already calling audibles. In his most recent blog entry, Hollinger indicates that he believes that Sean May’s microfracture surgery means that the Bobcats will win 6 less games than they would have previously. However, Hollinger hasn’t indicated who will be the beneficiary of those six games. As amended, Hollinger has now produced the first set of record predictions to ever predict more total losses than total wins. Sort of embarrassing when he makes his reputation as ESPN’s resident stat guru. This is really the equivalent of finding out Barry Melrose’s mullet is a Joe Dirt style wig or Stephen A. Smith actually speaks like Sean Connery when he’s not on camera.

Not to be outdone, Hollinger released his individual player projections for the coming season. This led to a few truly bizarre results with respect to the Utah Jazz. Hollinger predicts that Jarron Collins will inexplicably improve this season (maybe refs will call more charges this season?), Deron Williams will regress, and pretty much every notable Jazz player will be worse than last year except for one: Andrei Kirilenko. Although the merits of the PER statistic have been debated ad nauseum in the past, it seems that the real action happens when one looks at Hollinger’s player projections in terms of their implications for which players are the best in the league. While most would probably agree that Deron Williams is at or near top-10 in the league status for his position, Hollinger’s PER metric indicates that he’s only a slightly above average player. In fact Hollinger ranks the top-10 point guards in the league as:

1. Chris Paul
2. Gilbert Arenas
3. Steve Nash
4. Tony Parker
5. Chauncey Billups
6. Baron Davis
7. T. J. Ford
8. Leandro Barbosa
9. Jason Kidd
10. Jose Calderon

Yes you read that list correctly and I’m sure you agree that the Raptors have an embarrassment of riches because they have two of the top 10 point guards in the NBA. Deron ranks at #12, between Devin Harris and Nate Robinson. Yes, seriously. Nate Robinson. The same Nate Robinson that would probably get his shot blocked by an oompa-loompa.

While Hollinger’s rankings for other positions (especially for big men) seem far more reasonable, his PER stat is plainly broken with regards to rating point guards. Of course Hollinger will tell you that PER is the equivalent of a basketball theory of everything, but looking at those results I think the only person who can agree are the agents for T.J. Ford, Leandro Barbosa, Nate Robinson, and Jose Calderon.

Most Accurate Statement Hollinger has ever made: Hollinger did get one thing right though. His report for Matt Harpring reads, in part:

Harpring underwent offseason knee surgery, which wouldn't be a big deal except for all the other offseason knee surgeries he's had. He's already at about the limit of acceptable foot speed for an NBA wing player, so if he loses anything on top of that, he'll be instant toast at the defensive end.

Think he’ll lose any more speed?: Linda Hamilton of the Deseret News wrote a small article that rivals jazzbots worst in terms of unreadibility but it revealed a small piece of news that was heretofore undisclosed (prepare for cringe-worthy syntax before continuing):

Matt Harpring has had difficulties with his knees and their surgeries — the latest one arthroscopically on his right knee in early August to clean out scar tissue.

He participated in only one practice a day during last week's two-a-days, and he's been held out of most contact work and is out for tonight's preseason opener for the Jazz against the Milwaukee Bucks at EnergySolutions Arena at 7.

But another reason Harpring's a little slow to come around is that he also had a previously unreported surgery on his left ankle around Labor Day to repair bone spurs.

Good thing we only owe him $18.5 million over the next three years. Good lord, that number is huge for Matt Harpring. I’m bypassing the usual albatross metaphor and going straight for calling his contract an “ostrich.”

In the effort to get in more cheap shots on someone trying their best (a Harpring Sucks speciality) we present the next sentence in the Linda Hamilton article:

“Speaking of ankles, C.J. Miles mildly sprained an ankle in Tuesday's practice but participated in Wednesday's shootaround and is expected to play tonight, as is Ukrainian rookie Kyrylo Fesenko, who on Tuesday was suffering from apparent food poisoning after dining on sushi.”
Those at risk of seizure or fits of rage shouldn’t try to read the whole article without clearing their immediate area of all sharp objects.

What about the children?: Fourth grade teacher Jackie Corbridge abandoned her students entirely for a blog entry this week. You know, in case you had doubts that she was doing this for her own personal gratification instead of as a class learning activity.

WTF?: Jazzbots blogger Cameron Hanson clearly reads Harpring Sucks and didn’t appreciate our lampooning of his datelessness last week. As he puts it:

“It is so much easier to be negative about subjects. Criticism has a certain flow unlike praise. It is much easier to seem educated when you are constantly pointing out how everyone else isn’t.”

Cameron’s blog post is both shallow and pedantic. Oh yeah, and it sucks. How you like them apples Cameron?

He also lets us know that AK playing well correlates with wins. Check in next week when Cameron reveals his next great discovery: “the team that scores the most points usually wins.”

She’s growing as a writer!: Laurie Nyland, our favorite jazzbots poster who previously would only begin blog posts with a definition of a word has changed her formula: this time she broke out the book of quotes and began with a quote about “expectations” from Samuel Johnson. She’s passed 7th grade writing and is now in 8th. Next month expect all her essays to mysteriously convert to the 5 paragraph format.

Wikipedia describes Samuel Johnson as "Large and powerfully built, Johnson had poor eyesight, was hard of hearing and had a scarred face as a result of childhood scrofula. He also had a number of tics and other involuntary movements; the symptoms described by Boswell suggest that Johnson had Tourette syndrome and obsessive-compulsive disorder." Interestingly, Ms. Nylund may have ventured into some meta form of writing as I developed a wide variety of involuntary tics while reading her blog post.

See you all next Thursday.