WCF Game 5 Pre-show Part Two: Zoolander, Zach Braff, and, oh yeah, the Jazz

Part Two: In which I address something non-basketball related but that really sticks in my craw: Zach Braff is a F#$%ing plagiarist

HarpringSucks.com was founded on the idea that we hate liars and deceivers. People, like Matt Harpring, who somehow con others into believing they are something they are not, are worst scum of the earth because they create false expectations and hope in viewers that will inevitably be crushed time and time again. In that line I think it is our responsibility to call to task the Matt Harpring of the entertainment industry: Zach Braff.

Zach Braff was given critical and popular acclaim when he starred in, wrote, and directed his "original" work "Garden State." There's only one problem: he pretty much re-hashed entirely a Steve Guttenberg classic from his childhood. (I understand that using the word Steve Guttenberg and classic in the same sentence is somewhat odd, but stick with me here) Dear readers, I submit to you that "Garden State" is, in fact, a re-make of "Short Circuit."

Now I know what you're thinking. "Remake?! Garden State is about an actor who goes home for the first time after his mother's death in New Jersey and finds love and happiness for the first time after he stops taking anti-depressants. And Short Circuit is about a death weapon robot who starts to believe he's human and alive after an electrical storm." I understand these may not be literal re-makes, but I present to you today the proposition that Zach Braff, clever as he is, chose to metaphorically re-make Short Circuit.


Zach couldn't make a movie about a literal robot falling in love for the first time because he would have had to start writing those expensive Steve Guttenberg royalty checks. Instead, he did the next best thing: Zach made his main character an emotional robot who seeks release by being an actor where he can let loose his emotions. Just as the Robot #5 is constantly mistaken for a weapon of death even when he becomes gentle and human, everyone Braff runs into in Garden State constantly remembers him for his one film role: a retarded quarterback in a cliche-ridden sports film. Ultimately Braff is freed from his lithium induced haze by the "emotional electric storm" of his mother's death which ultimately causes him to realize the meaningfulness of his own humanity. Sound like any other movie to you?


Braff even goes so far as to metaphorically steal meaningful shots from Short Circuit. Braff's scene were he wears a shirt made from the same fabric and pattern as wallpaper in his mother's bathroom was discussed as being a great metaphor for the way we all blend into the lives of those around us, but in reality it was a blatant robbery from the scene where Robot #5 sneaks out of the Department of Defense facility by blending in with outgoing garbage cans.

Furthermore Braff makes a cruel mockery of #5's first discovery of the outside world where he meets a stray dog by having his main character's love interest be introduced in a scene where a seeing eye dog humps Braff's leg. And don't even get me started on the similarities between Ally Sheedy and Natalie Portman.


Finally, Garden State steals some of the best representational artistry from Short Circuit and makes it cheap and literal. Where Robot #5 must leap from Steve Guttenberg's van into the unknown to escape from the Department of Defense, Garden State's main characters literally scream into an abyss. Real subtlety in your film making there Zach. The movies even end the same way, with a false departure leaving the Ally Sheedy/Natalie Portman character saddened but ultimately overjoyed when Zach Braff/Robot #5 re-emerge. In essence, there was no key plot point from Garden State that was not wholly ripped from Short Circuit.


Mr. Braff, you owe the world an apology for your plagiarism. We though you might be a Richard Jefferson of film making, but at the end of the day you were just another Matt Harpring. I'm so disappointed.

WCF Game 5 Pre-show Part One: Zoolander, Zach Braff, and, oh yeah, the Jazz

Part One: In which we sort of discuss basketball

One of the great moments in Ben Stiller's "Zoolander" occurs when the two main male models suddenly break out of the joke that runs the entire film (i.e. Male models are dumb...really, really dumb) and actually engage in a discussion about the true meanings of the things we say and how they are interpreted by others. I refer, of course, to the immortal "Earth to Matilda" scene. For those who haven't seen the movie in awhile this immediately follows the freakfest involving Finnish Dwarves and a Maori Tribesman and immediately precedes the break-in to Mugatu's office. Also, for those who haven't seen the movie in awhile: dude, get basic cable. Seriously, this is 2007.


During this scene Matilda finally grows frustrated with one of Derek's verbal ticks, in which he frequently will explain something that is seemingly obvious to everyone by beginning a thought with the phrase "Earth to Matilda." In this particular instance Derek is explaining to Matilda why he can never turn off his cell phone, even when his refusal to do so may end not only his life but the Prime Minister of Malaysia's as well. The scene proceeds as follows:

Derek: "Earth to Matilda: This phone is as much a part of me as..."

Matilda: "You know what? Can we just cut it out with all the 'Earth to's?
Please?"

Hansel: "We're not actually saying this is the Earth calling you Matilda."

Matilda: "Yeah. No. I got that. I understand you don't literally mean..."

Derek: "Uh, no! I don't think you do. Listen, it's not like we actually
think we're in a control tower trying to reach outer space aliens or something.
Ok?"

Hansel (pretending to be in a control tower and whispering): "Hello? .....
Hello?"

Obviously Matilda was not impressed because she wrote this off as the boys once again displaying the lack of brain cells that led them to overcompensate by being really really ridiculously good looking in the first place. In reality, however, what we have here is a unique and interesting form of recognition on the part of Derek and Hansel in that they can diagnose the immediate outward signs of Matilda's annoyance, her verbal tick, but have not correctly figured out what it is about the tick that she finds annoying. Rather than realizing that she thinks the tick is demeaning and obnoxious, they believe that she thinks they are literally trying to contact her in outer space. In neurophysiological sense, Hansel and Derek can hear the words and understand their meanings but are unable to cognitively process what those words mean to Matilda and what she is attempting to convey. Interestingly, Hansel and Derek reach the exact same conclusion through the same flawed mechanism, curiously implying that there is some sort of cognitive processing condition that is common among male supermodels.

Similarly we see this same flaw in how NBA fans process the same raw information and come out on the other end with radically different meanings. Some fans see guys that play hard and are mediocre and think "that's a great player, someone I could go to war with, let's play him 30 minutes a game." Others see those same players that play hard and are mediocre and say "I'm glad he's playing hard, but at the end of the day he's mediocre despite the effort." Frequent readers will understand that these mediocre guys who play hard on the Utah Jazz are Derek Fisher and Matt Harpring. Although much has been made on this blog and on various NBA message boards of Sloan's seeming stubborn insistence on playing guys who show effort but ultimately hurt the team, it turns out that we've been missing the point all along. The problem is not that Sloan is stubborn or believes that Harpring and Fisher are superstars, the problem is that Sloan processes cognitively processes his visual information differently than most NBA fans.

To be sure, having a coach who processes things differently is not always a bad thing and does not invariably lead to guys like Adam Keefe getting major minutes on NBA teams. Tex Winter's ability to conceive of a rectangular court as being composed of overlapping triangular cross-sections led to multiple NBA championships for two separate franchises. Red Auerbach's sense of floor dynamics and continuity created a decade-long dynasty. Pat Riley's greasy hair inspired many a junior high basketball coach. However, while all of those guys displayed a difference in the way they perceive reality that positively influenced their team's chances of victory, sometimes these cognitive differences can sometimes be appropriately called "coaching disorders." For every Jackson Pollack, there's 1000 guys who just spill paint.

Unfortunately if Jerry Sloan was an artist he'd still be starving in Greenwich Village and talking about putting on a seniors-only production of "Rent." When it comes to substitution patterns he makes his infamous Irrational Jerry Sloan Personnel Decisions (IJSPD's) not because he's being obtuse but because he processes the information "plays hard" as "plays well" instead of realizing that "plays hard" is as far as that logic goes. Interestingly this message appears to be contagious, as Jerry's world-view has slowly spread among the casual fans and broadcasting booths around the NBA in regards to his pets. Even though we here at Harpringsucks have been fighting the spread of this paticular processing dysfunction in one form or another for roughly three seasons now, it is becoming apparent that in roughly a decade the most popular NBA players will be 5'7" white guys who can't quite dunk but make quite a show of missing lay-ups and diving for loose balls. Everyone will be convinced the heart and soul of the NBA is in a better place than it used to be. I used to wonder how many viewings of Zoolander it would take for someone to honestly believe that Derek and Hansel's interpretation of Matilda's protest was the correct one. The answer, after seeing the sudden conversion of popular opinion towards Derek Fisher this year, is apparent: 82.

Check back at roughly noon for Part Two: In which we don't discuss basketball at all.