LiveBlog 'Til You Drop: Team D-Will

Wow, what a great month August was for HarpringSucks! Three posts, all of phenomenal quality! I know, our dozen of interested fan was interested in the HS takes on the Dee situation (Dee sucks), AK's quotes on Mormons (AK: "Not bad."), and all the happenings in the Jazz FO (Scrabble). I also know I had several thousand E-mails in my inbox pleading with me to publish my next fake news story, but unfortunately, the idea of writing a fake news story around Morris Almond was too boring for words. I apologize.

So, what is it HS does when it needs content without substance? It liveblogs. And tonight, I sit, pen in hand, to liveblog Team USA against Argentina until I'm too sleepy to proceed. Which will hopefully be soon.

So why do I do this? Well, as has been obvious to Jazz fans, the key to Team USA's success has been Deron Williams. To quote Ross Siler from the SLTrib Blog, "Williams finished with eight points, seven assists and three fouls in 13 minutes, making all four shots he took. The U.S. outscored Puerto Rico by 21 points in the short time that Williams played, which has to say something about his game."

21 points, ladies and gentlemen. That says something.

The Deron Williams Experience must be...well...experienced.

Dammit.

-I regret to inform the HS Reader that "Water Moccasins" has been replaced as a cliche by "SWAN!" Please update your Rolodex.

-Tonight's opponent is Argentina. In case you did not know, Argentina is located--according to Miss Teen South Carolina--"somewhere between Columbile and Gaspacho."

-Wow. Should I be disturbed that Miss Teen South Carolina--aged 17--has this picture on her official website?From the producers of Miss Teen USA: "These women are savvy, goal-oriented and aware. The contestants who become part of the Miss Universe Organization display those characteristics in their everyday lives, both as individuals who participate in the competitions to advance their careers, personal and humanitarian goals, and as women who seek to improve the lives of others. "

Certainly looks like they're setting them on the path to improve the lives of others, all right.

-Meet Team USA!

Jason Kidd: domestic violence
LeBron James: self-aggrandizing marketing tool
Kobe Bryant: possible rapist, team cancer
Carmelo Anthony: appears in drug dealers' DVDs, Utah Jazz fans know more
Deron Williams: accused in sex trial, Torrey Ellis
Michael Redd: bought father church

Go team go!

-Bill Walton already in fine form. I can't wait for him to read the Wikipedia entry for "Argentina"out loud during the second quarter.

-YB and Pearl are currently arguing the relative merits of Rachel Ray and Giada de Laurentiis in Secret Chat. WHAT ABOUT TEAM USA? THIS STUFF MATTERS.

-David Stern sitting next to Jerry Colangelo. Can't see who's sitting on his right. I suspect the following:
-I'm shocked--shocked!--that Carmelo shot the ball after his first touch. And second.

-Jason Kidd just jumped from out of bounds and tapped a ball going out of bounds into the playing area. No whistle.

Even Donaghy is upset.

OK, no more of that.

-Jason Kidd with a fastbreak. Wait...what's a fastbreak? I watch the Jazz.

-Did Bill Walton just reference Bonzi Wells' veteran leadership? If the Rockets follow his leadership, there'll be no Rockets. They'll have all left the team for possibly "disrupting team chemistry."

-'Melo, three touches, three shots. And to think, Harpring wasn't invited to join the team.

Of course, he works so hard he could get four shots on three touches.

-Apparently, most of the Argentines have taken a Nazarene vow.

-Is it just me, or has Kidd gotten whiter as time has progressed? He's almost translucent now.

-I think Mike Miller's gradually feminized hairdo is intended to mirror his game's progression to WNBA level.

"Hey, the ball. Let's shoot an outside jumper!"

57 WNBA fans: "Ooh, how fundamentally sound!"

-I suspect the old Dream Team could beat Team USA. Right now. No need for time travel.

-One of the Argentinian guys should probably figure out it's not a good idea to try and flop in the opposite direction of the impact.

-I remain stunned that Team USA has Tyson Chandler, Tayshaun Prince, and Mike Miller. I wonder how Chandler feels about taking the Christian Laettner role.

-Billups just baldwined a fastbreak.

-Bill Walton taking the opportunity to plug "The Eleventh Hour," Leo DiCaprio's lovefest for the Earth. You could get a contact high shaking hands with the man.

-As actors continue to create important projects on ecology and the environment, I wonder why they never made an action movie with Robert H. MacArthur as the lead actor.

-End of first quarter, 28-13 USA. I just realized I've actually not watched more than two or three plays.

Best liveblog ever.

SWAN!

-Walton is finally busting open the Wikipedia entry. I should have edited "Carmelo Anthony sucks at basketball and life" in the middle of the section on "Origin of Name."

-Bill Walton accurately laments the prevalence of war in South America. Then starts his next sentence, "if you want to learn more, check out the Jack Lemmon movie..."

That's true of many things in life.

-I love it when basketball players reference prior basketball players with a move. For example, Dwight Howard's dunk brick was highly reminiscent of Lisa Leslie.

Jeez, the WNBA hate just comes out when I get sleepy. Or awake.

-'Melo just hammered a dunk on top of the entire Argentinian team. The message is clear.

"Argentina: Stop Snitchin'"

-I think Carmelo's just going to sit under the basket for the rest of the game and bask in himself.

-Bill Walton's Announcing Buddy: "Alonzo's ALWAYS doing something nice in Miami." Bill Walton: "They need to name some Citizenship Award after Alonzo.

Let's let Toronto and New Jersey decide what to name it.

-The following is not content. It is only intended to get my fellow bloggers to leave the picture of the 17-year-old and scroll further down the page:Thank you for your patience.

-Amare with the quintuple-fake, also known as the Matt.

-Hey, Joaquim Phoenix plays for Argentina! I loved you in The Village! Yeah, I had no idea that was all happening in the present day! That Shyalaman, tricky devil!

-Where in the world is Deron Williams? And how could Team USA have a +21 differential without him? Ross Siler, save us!

-Why is it that any time I see a guy bank in a shot I'm supposed to treat it as some miraculous and hilarious happening? The next time I see a guy bank in a shot and the announcers don't discuss whether he "called" it will be a first.

-DERON WILLIAMS IS IN! TO DWIGHT HOWARD FOR A DUNK! REPENT!

REPENT!

-DERON WILLIAMS JUST HAD A REBOUND BOUNCE OFF HIS FACE! SIN MORE!

SIN MORE!

-Hehehe, that commercial had a man getting hit in the groin.

-Wow, the FIBA logo looks like Rainbow Brite vomited.

-I'm exhausted after watching the energy level with D-Will in the game. Night.

Sloan's Guide to Parenting

It recently came to our attention that one of the Jazzfanz community's pillars of feces-related humor, a Mr. TroutBum, had somehow managed to spawn female progeny.

http://www.jazzfanz.com/boards/viewtopic.php?t=24860

While the decision to produce a being whose sole purpose in life for the next few years is to produce bodily products that smell terrible and have to be cleaned constantly is always questionable, Trout went one step further and horribly screwed up the very first decision that every parent must make: he named his daughter "Sloan." At first I had a very complicated emotional reaction to this revelation. My mind's reaction started at the obvious "He can't possibly be paying homage to Jerry?!", quickly swung back to "maybe this is some sort of swipe at Jerry, given that he's naming a girl after him and we all know Jerry's strong feelings about the merits of masculinity," and ultimately settled somewhere between "I want to see pictures of the Baby in a John Deere cap before I make up my mind" and "Who the hell names their kid after a basketball coach?!" Ultimately, however, I'm for it for one reason and one reason only: I suspect that in order to truly raise his daughter to be a true Sloan he's going to have to transfer Jerry's tried and true coaching methods of alienation, rock-hard rigidity, hatred of Europeans, and love of hard work over talent into the realm of parenting strategies. As a result, I would like to present to Troutbum the "Jerry Sloan Guide to Parenting" several important sections of which are reproduced below.

How to deal with a newborn: Newborn babies are trouble. They lack knowledge in the fundamentals, can't be trusted to handle any important chores, stay up late at night, and frequently nap through practice. Furthermore, they seem obsessed with women's breasts and lack the ability to concentrate on any one thing for any period of time. I recommend you attempt to trade them to another parent for an older, more experienced child (preferably with less potential but a proven track record). If the baby is untradeable, chain them to the end of the crib and let them watch older children. Don't let them get experience playing and learning themselves; watching is good enough for the miscreant.

Parenting your Toddler: Toddlers seek to explore their world and frequently overstep what they are capable of. Some namby-pamby parenting books tell you to encourage your children's growth and support them when they inevitably hurt themselves while exploring their world. That's not how you make your child fear and respect you. Every time they fall while trying to walk, send them right back the crib. Speak incorrectly? Crib. Confuses the color blue with aquamarine? Crib. This only gets more effective as they get older and the shame of being put in the crib intensifies. If your assistant parent (some think of their wives as co-parents, but I think we all know the truth) blames you for making your child cry simply stare at her blankly and remark, "I'm not a mood parent, I'm not equipped to deal with that."

Managing your Tween: At this critical juncture it is important for your child to have positive role models in their life. I suggest you dictate to them who their role models should be. I send my charges to two of my favorite role-models, we'll call them "Uncle Matt" and "Uncle Derek." At this age, the self-important snots may start to get ideas that they should make decisions of their own and want to do things their way. Stamp it out of them. When my child didn't want to learn at the feet of her venerable Uncle Matt the conversation went like this:

Andrea: "I don't wanna see Uncle Matt!"

Sloan: "You don't have much of a choice, I said you have to do it. You should really take this opportunity to learn something, maybe when you're as experienced as him you'll see why these visits were so valuable."

Andrea: I can't learn anything from him. All he does anymore is sit around complain about how much his knees hurt. If I wanted to hear about that I'd go visit Great-Uncle Hornacek at the old folks home."

Sloan: "Uncle Matt can tell you a lot about life, he always had active hands and did a lot of good in the time we worked together."

Andrea: "I'll say he has active hands. Last time we went to see him he kept raising his arm over his head after he fell over again and I was walking by. I thought at first it was a coincidence his hand kept brushing against my backside, but it's happened enough times I'm not so sure."

Sloan: *sigh of admiration* "That man was always looking to score. Now come on, if you don't want to go I'll put you back in the crib."

Andrea: "I'll be good."

Showing Teens who's boss: Your teenager will often try to shock you by bringing undesirables around the house. They may smell bad, chain-smoke, tell dirty jokes, speak using words that seem foreign and unrecognizable to you, and may act in ways that you never would have dreamed of when you were their age. If this happens you need to draw a hard line with your child: NO EUROS IN THE HOUSE!

Your college-age child; preparing them for success: Many college age children don't appropriately understand their role within the larger family network. In order for the system to operate efficiently, you need to let the child know that they must conform to your stringent demands and operate within the parameters you have set for them; sacrificing totally their own needs and desires. If they want to be a marine biologist, let them know it's a pipe dream and force them to take accounting courses. If they want to be a doctor, but there's already one in the family, let them know that the role has been filled and they should take up mechanical engineering instead. Occasionally you will get a radical child, a hippie, who doesn't want to go to college at all. Instead, they will insist that they would be happiest as a chef or a baker or simply going on the Ricky Williams world pot-smoking tour. For these children there can be only one solution: promise them a sit-down meeting, then buy them a one-way ticket to Detroit and pretend they never existed.

Potential News Stories (Part 2)

After the overwhelming support for the first fake news story, here is another. Please hold back your frothing demand this time.

Wife of Derek Fisher Diagnosed with Mystery Ailment
Only Treatment Available in Paris, Will Miss Training Camp to Be with Wife
Associated Press

Los Angeles-Derek Fisher, the recently reacquired point guard for the Los Angeles Lakers, has lately had his share of problems. First, his daughter was diagnosed with a rare form of cancer. Second, his team was knocked out of the playoffs. And now, his wife has apparently developed an illness that will require him to briefly relocate yet again for the good of his family.

"About the time we got settled in at our home in Los Angeles, she began complaining of a severe headache," stated Fisher in response to a request for an interview. "We tried letting it sit for a while, but when I recommended she go to a doctor, she realized it could be too serious for regular medical treatment and found a headache specialist in Paris. Unfortunately, I was only able to book first-class tickets during training camp."

When asked about suggestions that his trip would occur at a convenient time, allowing him to skip a section of the season despised by most veterans, Fisher bristled: "I have made it entirely clear in the past that the only thing I care about is my family. Nothing business or personal enters my decisions besides the health and well-being of my family."

At this point, the interview was interrupted as Fisher needed to take a call confirming reservation at the Hotel Meurice, a five-star luxury hotel located in central Paris. Later calls were politely declined.

In an attempt to establish a time-table for Fisher's return, calls were made to the headache specialist to discuss the treatment schedule. He replied that his usual diagnosis is for 2 Baby Aspirin and a day of bedrest.

Potential News Stories (Part 1)

In an effort to both undercut the Salt Lake dime rags and provide some interest for the dog days of the NBA offseason, I present the first in a series of likely news stories from the near future.

Kirilenko Undergoes Sex Change Operation; Set to Join Sacramento Monarchs
Associated Press

Tokyo-In a move shocking to NBA fans in general and Utah Jazz fans in particular, Jazz forward Andrei Kirilenko checked in to Bangkok Hospital last week and underwent a sex change operation. Kirilenko, a former All-Star who has struggled with injuries and diminished abilities in recent years, refused to grant an interview, but did post the following statement on his website:

“I realize my fans may be shocked to discover that I was leading a lie in the past few years, but I finally realized I could not go on living as a woman in a man’s body. The truth became painfully clear at the end of the season as Coach and others repeatedly called me a woman, and now I feel I can accept those comments in the spirit given. I am in contact with the Sacramento Monarchs, and I hope my fans can continue to watch me perform—and not perform—playing professional basketball.”

He then signed the message with, “Best, Andrea.”

The operating surgeon, Dr. Nitya Sonthi, declared the operation “a total success” and remarked upon the relative ease of the surgery: “In most cases, a sex change operation is a delicate process which requires the removal and restructuring of much tissue. But in this case, we were aided by the fact that the subject’s sex organs had already shriveled up and fallen off months ago.”

Masha Kirilenko, Andrei(a) Kirilenko’s wife, has stated she will stay by her husband/wife’s side, commenting that this situation is not so strange in the laxer Russian culture. She also mentioned that early negotiations with the Monarchs were proceeding quickly, with Kirilenko set to sign a 2-year contract at the minimum salary to come off the bench behind Yolanda Griffith.

Division By Subtraction

So last week, a co-worker (who we shall call "D") announced that he was taking another job. Things didn't work out with management in his negotiations for a raise, and in the current negative-employment market he jumped at one of the several offers that quickly came his way.

I've only been with the company for just under a year, but "D" was one of the first people who introduced himself to me. He shared a few jokes, and it became evident during my next few days there that he was the life of the party, beloved by all.

He always had great input when we would try to decide where to go for lunch. He would even drive sometimes. "D" would liven up our meetings with cute geek-oriented puns. He was pretty good at CounterStrike, but not quite good enough that we would hate to play with him.

One time he helped push my car out of the snow.

Thursday was his last day. Friday morning was accompanied by a feeling of emptiness, of loneliness, even despair. We were infuriated with management. How could they have let him go? Surely we had the resources to keep him happy? How would we go on, knowing that we had lost someone so irreplaceable? If they treated "D" that way, what about the rest of the employees? Action must be taken. The battle lines were drawn. It was a travesty.

And then we looked at his "work".

After pulling ourselves together emotionally, we began to review "D"'s code, in order to plan out how to continue on his projects. It was clear within minutes that it was garbage. Our tender feelings for "D" disappeared, and by the end of the day, we were rejoicing that he had left. Everything had to be scrapped, and we needed to start from scratch. We were puzzled. How could this have happened? Why hadn't anyone ever taken the time to actually look at his work? To look at the value that he provided (or didn't, in this case)? We had allowed ourselves to be fooled into thinking that such an insignificant player actually MEANT something to our team, and as a consequence had divided our company against itself.

Farewell, "D".

Free Agency Grades: Week Three

While week one of NBA free agency provided widespread insanity and week two showcased the most noble of human emotions, desperation, this week showed why general managers are so reactionary in the first place: after the first couple of weeks no one notable is really left to go after. As an explanatory note: any time the top free agents are a washed-up Steve Francis and Mo Williams the free agent pool is officially shallow enough that only an unwatched infant could drown in it.

Steve Francis to the Houston Rockets ($6 million/2 years):

The Rockets are assembling quite the cast of characters. In addition to second round virgins Tracy McGrady and Yao Ming the Rockets first traded for Mike James, who has proven only that he can have one great year on a terrible Raptors team and then follow it up by barely keeping his job against the likes of Marko Jaric and Troy Hudson, and then making this truly weird signing.

I understand "The Franchise" as he was known during his heyday in Houston has some value for those nostalgic Rockets Fans that want to remember the days when this team was consistently around .500, but does anyone really think this is a good idea. The Rockets now a) have three players who always need the ball to be effective, an energy guy who's head looks like a pack of hot dogs, and a 90 year old center whose voice sounds shockingly like the Cookie Monster making up a large portion of their core and b) have roughly 20,000 point guards including three they've gotten since the season ended (Aaron Brooks, Mike James, and Steve Francis).

Furthermore, Houston just got ANOTHER player who's not exactly known for post-season success. At least they mitigated all of this by hiring playoff choke-artist Rick Adelman to be their new coach. Shockingly people seem to somehow think this episode of "How the World Turns" will be different than the last ten. Sorry guys, your chances of becoming an elite team are deader than your Enron based tech-economy.

Grade: Kermit Washington

Mo Williams re-signs with the Milwaukee Bucks ($52 million/6 years):

As someone who follows the Jazz this is something that hurts; seeing a player that was a cast-off be good enough to actually deserve a large contract. Especially given that we're now going to bat with Dee Brown (who was unimpressive in Rocky Mountain Revue Summer League Games against marginal NBA players) and Jason Hart (who's most notable career moment was probably doing Elton Brand's laundry) as our back-up point guards.

The following is an excerpt of a conversation about whether Mo Williams was worth slightly less than $2 million/yr that actually occurred two years ago on the largest Utah jazz message board:

Why is it that everyone suddenly thinks mo is going to be better than those
two?

"Those two" refers to Carlos Arroyo and Raul Lopez. Seriously. Insanely this was done by someone who actually used to cover the Jazz for a local publication. It boggles my mind that this guy turned out to be as good as he is after being so mediocre in Utah. This is like dumping a girl for being uninteresting and fat and finding out three years later that she's a Nobel laureate and is now a supermodel after intensive work with a personal trainer. I don't think I'll ever be the same. In the words of Corky from Waiting for Guffman "I'm going to go home and BITE MY PILLOW!"

At least now all those people who insist that players get worse automatically when they leave the Jazz have an unanswerable example they can't defend against in Mo. I guess that's something.

Grade: A resentful B+. I just can't be mean about Mo.

Other than those two everything else were pretty minor deals this week.

Desmond Mason returns to Milwaukee, terms undisclosed

Another case of a team trying to return to its glory days of mediocrity. At least now Bobby Simmons has someone to hang out with in the treehouse for players who get paid but never meet expectations. And if you question that these guys would hang out in a treehouse remember that an NBA player's treehouse probably has a kegerator filled with Hypnotiq and groupies waiting for the players to invite them up in spite of the "No Girls Allowed" sign by offering the rope ladder. That sounds like my dream house.

Grade: D----- (I can't give it an F because I like treehouses. It's irrational I know)

Chris Mihim re-signs with Lakers ($5 million/2 years):

I really want a job where I can sit out an entire year because I'm not healthy enough to perform and then get resigned for $5 million. Especially when I wasn't very good at my job in the first place. Then again President Bush will probably make millions on the lecture circuit after his presidency is over so I guess large rewards for mediocrity and non-performance isn't unique to the NBA.

Grade: F

Jake Voskuhl signs with Milwaukee ($3 million/1 year):

Can someone explain to me why this guy is better than Paul Shirley again? I really want Paul Shirley to make another NBA team. The amount of dirt he can dish would be way too good to pass up. It would be like if Bob Woodward was named the Laker's new point guard. Dear god let someone sign Paul Shirley this year.

Grade: F

Andre Brown signs with Memphis:

He's an undrafted free agent that I've barely heard of, but I ran across this amusing tidbit in the Memphis Commercial Appeal:

According to a source, the Grizzlies have signed 6-foot-9, 245-pound free
agent power forward Andre Brown to add depth to their front line. Brown, 26, who
made his NBA debut last season in Seattle, is an athletic, explosive leaper the
team was hoping to find.

I want the Grizzlies' PR people handling my affairs from now on. If you can convince a news outlet that Andre Brown is the guy you were hoping to find then you're either passing out bribes or have incredible mind control powers. If it's the former I'm impressed with your chutzpah and if its the latter you're more impressive to me than Albert Einstein. Even if the reality is that he'll never see any meaningful time in Memphis he now always can prove that someone thought he was good once. I'm sure that newspaper clipping is on his mom's fridge right now.

Cheikh Samb signs with Detroit

I was pleased to learn that Detroit understands the value of exploring other cultures, and as a result has signed a prospect from Senegal that they describe as "raw." For your own Cheikh Samb do the following:

Gather the following ingredients:

2 Tbsp Oil
1 minced onion per portion
3-4 minced Garlic Cloves
1 tbsp minced Ginger (opt.)
1lb beef stewed chopped into chunks (in Detroit's case this was presumably the raw portion)
2 Tbsp Tomato paste
2 cups peeled, seeded, diced Tomatoes
2 cups Salt & Pepper to taste
1-2 cups of water
1 cup Peanut Butter


1. Heat the oil over medium-high heat in a large pot. Add the onions and sauté till translucent.
Add garlic and ginger and sauté 1-2 more minutes.

2. Add the beef and sauté till lightly browned.

3. Add the tomato paste and stir in for about 1 minute. Stir in the tomatoes, bring to a boil, then reduce heat to medium-low. Season. Simmer 10-15 minutes to reduce the tomatoes somewhat.

4. Add enough water or stock to loosen the dish up and simmer another 10 minutes.

5. Stir in the peanut butter and simmer another 40 minutes or so until the beef is tender and oil rises to the surface of the dish.

6. Adjust seasoning and serve with rice or couscous.

Voila! Your own Chiekh Samb for enjoyment at home or for your own team. How Joe Dumars expects this to block shots, though, I have no idea.

Grade: Delicious but gamy.

That's pretty much it for this week. Check back next week when we find out the results of our very own "The Pearl" trying to sign Matt Harpring's wife out of free agency while he's away managing his basketball camps and distributing "The Harpring Way" videos.

Anticipated Grade: Adulterous.

The Utah Jazz Follow Stephon Marbury to mythical lands

New York Knicks guard Stephon Marbury made an interesting claim the other day: he's going to move to Italy (he's been there once) in two years and play out the end of his career in the Italian league rather than play in the United States. He then compared himself to David Beckham "but without all the cheating on Posh Spice." Of course, he has important things to do in Italy. He's already talking about "spreading the Starbury movement to Italy." I can only presume the movement consists of the people wearing his $15 tennis shoes. For some reason I'm having problems picturing Italian teens wearing gaudy basketball shoes with their Armani suits. Although I suspect they'd be far more organized about stealing expensive shoes over there, maybe even make people a few offers they can't refuse.

In the midst of all this ridiculousness, however, Harpringsucks got to thinking "where are some of our favorite players going to play out their waning years?"

Derek Fisher: Liliput

Upside: Our favorite 6'1" shooting guard will only lose athleticism and quickness as time goes on. The solution? Go somewhere where even the tallest shooting guards are barely a foot high. It would be nigh impossible to get dunked on repeatedly or get your shot blocked by the players in the Liliputian league.

Downside: The risk of accidentally stepping on someone from the other team and crushing them is very high. That's a flagrant 5 foul. Additionally, the Liliputians play some stiff defense:


Rafael Arujao: Candy Land

Upside: The Rules are easy to remember. No playbook. Also "HOFFA LOVE CANDY!!!11!"

Downside: Outcome of the game is pre-determined when you sit down. You still have to have talent to get off the bench.

Ron Artest: Arkham Asylum

Upside: The walls are padded and comfortable. Your motives are unquestioned and you get all kinds of great medicine. One of the previous occupants even started dating his psychotherapist and she began to accompany him for all of his hilarious criminal hijinks. They even have an athletic department and I'm pretty sure Artest could shut down The Riddler's streetball-style game. Bodying up Killer Croc might be a problem though.

Downside: Your roommates suck, the food is awful, and you can't call yourself "Tru Warier" without a cool costume.

Andrei Kirilenko: Trail of Tears

Upside: Everyone will sympathize with your plight. You will be featured in Howard Zinn's people's history of the United States where he will demonize Jerry Sloan as your oppressor.

Downside: Forced relocation to Oklahoma. Yuck.

Oliver Miller: Burger King Kingdom

Upside: You get to be teammates with "Sir-Shakes-a-Lot" and "The Duke of Doubt."

Downside: Judging by the nicknames, this venue only hosts an And-1 Team. Also, the Franchise has been phased out since the mid 1980s.

John Amaechi: Neverland Ranch

I'm just going to stop right here before I go too far.

Gordan Giricek: Elbonia

Upside: Plenty of mud to smear on his emaciated features. Recently overthrew socialist government. Pigs have a role in the government, which shows signs of United States modelling.

Downside: Everyone has beards, even the women and infants. Seriously, the figures below are described as women:Additionally, the national bird is the frisbee and they are involved in a long-term nuclear conflict with a neighboring country.

Matt Harpring: Land of Oz

Upside: No one looks behind the curtain to see that (metaphorically) the emperor has no clothes. People will believe you're great and powerful, build you palaces, and sing your praises even if you have no actual power.

Downside: Ozsucks.com is already a registered domain name. Eventually the combined might of a little girl in red shoes (Gordan Giricek), a man made of tin (the injury prone Carlos Boozer), a lion who had courage all along (Paul Millsap) will dethrone you. Unfortunately right now the Scarecrow with no brain is the coach.