Potential News Stories (Part 1)

In an effort to both undercut the Salt Lake dime rags and provide some interest for the dog days of the NBA offseason, I present the first in a series of likely news stories from the near future.

Kirilenko Undergoes Sex Change Operation; Set to Join Sacramento Monarchs
Associated Press

Tokyo-In a move shocking to NBA fans in general and Utah Jazz fans in particular, Jazz forward Andrei Kirilenko checked in to Bangkok Hospital last week and underwent a sex change operation. Kirilenko, a former All-Star who has struggled with injuries and diminished abilities in recent years, refused to grant an interview, but did post the following statement on his website:

“I realize my fans may be shocked to discover that I was leading a lie in the past few years, but I finally realized I could not go on living as a woman in a man’s body. The truth became painfully clear at the end of the season as Coach and others repeatedly called me a woman, and now I feel I can accept those comments in the spirit given. I am in contact with the Sacramento Monarchs, and I hope my fans can continue to watch me perform—and not perform—playing professional basketball.”

He then signed the message with, “Best, Andrea.”

The operating surgeon, Dr. Nitya Sonthi, declared the operation “a total success” and remarked upon the relative ease of the surgery: “In most cases, a sex change operation is a delicate process which requires the removal and restructuring of much tissue. But in this case, we were aided by the fact that the subject’s sex organs had already shriveled up and fallen off months ago.”

Masha Kirilenko, Andrei(a) Kirilenko’s wife, has stated she will stay by her husband/wife’s side, commenting that this situation is not so strange in the laxer Russian culture. She also mentioned that early negotiations with the Monarchs were proceeding quickly, with Kirilenko set to sign a 2-year contract at the minimum salary to come off the bench behind Yolanda Griffith.