Any Given Day in Mayberry

[scene: interior of Taylor house. Aunt Bea, Opie, and Andy are eating breakfast together]

Andy: Law, mercy, Aunt Bea, I’m gonna have to buy me a new belt if you keep pampering me and Opie like this.

Aunt Bea: Oh, you hush. Flattery won't get you out of doing the dishes.




Opie: It sure is good, Aunt Bea. Hey, Pa, what are we gonna do today after you finish the dishes?


Andy: Well, Opie, I thought I’d give you a little education today, take you around town, show you what I do on an average day on the job in Mayberry.




Opie: Gosh, Pa, really?

Aunt Bea: I’ll pack you two some chicken for lunch. You be careful with Opie out there, Andy.

[Aunt Bea turns away from table, wipes away tears. Cut to new scene, exterior Mayberry, Andy and Opie walking along street]

Andy: Ope, the trick to keeping Mayberry running smoothly is to just let things keep moving the way they always have. Sure, we might not be as fancy as the big city, but people here don't seem to mind.

[Andy and Opie reach street corner, where Leon is eating sandwich]

Leon: [offers sandwich]






Andy: No thanks, Leon.

Opie: But Pa, you keep havin' to deal with the same problems over and over. I mean, you’ve arrested Ernest T. Bass for disturbing the peace at least three times. Couldn’t you make things easier by trying to stop stuff before it happens?

Andy: Well, that’s one way, but until somebody complains, no need to fix what ain’t broke, son.

Opie: Well, Ben Weaver there complains all the time.

Weaver: [grumbles incoherently, stalks off-camera]

Andy: Oh, Ben just likes to put on a show. He's as happy as everyone else around here if you pay attention. Well, here we are at the courthouse. Let’s go in and see Barn.

[as Opie and Andy enter courthouse, camera pans down street, showing Ernest T. Bass in front of store window]

Ernest: YEEEEEEEEEEE! [throws brick at window, misses, brick bounces harmlessly away]

[scene change, switch to interior of Mayberry Courthouse. Barney is cleaning up while Otis sleeps in his cell. Enter Andy and Opie]

Andy: Hey, Barn, holdin’ the floor down?





Barney: Hey, Andy. Just performing the necessary duties of the deputy, keeping the equipment and/or working quarters of the law clean and efficient.

Andy: [winking at Opie] That’s just fancy talk for sweeping.

Barney: [scowling] Ha ha, very funny, Andy. It’s not like you give me anything useful to do, I’m just here to stand around and look good. I promise, Andy, if you’d let me go after some of those hardened criminals from Raleigh, I’d show you how the long arm of the law reaches out of Mayberry. [smiles smugly, pats gun. Gun goes off, shoots hole in floor]

Andy: Barrrrrrrrrrneeeeeeeeeeeeey!

Barney: Oh, I’m sorry, An dy. I just get so tired of carrying that bullet around in my pocket, and I thought while I was straightening that I could carry it in my gun in case of an emergency and…

Andy: What you were doing was NOT thinking. Well, go get yourself something to put in that hole in the ground. [Barney minces out of the courthouse]






Otis: Andy? Shomethin’ jusht happ’n? Thought I was hearin’ thingsh…

Andy: Otis, just go back to sleep. Barney shot another hole in the floor.

Opie: Pa, I got a question.

Andy: Yeah, son?

Opie: Gee, I don’t know, but it seems like a deputy should be pretty good at staying under control and shooting if you’re gonna give him such a big role. Why did you take Barney? I mean, I don’t know if he’d ever actually hit something iff’n he shot at it.

Andy: Oh, Barney doesn’t need to shoot. I just keep him around because he’s a nice guy and not bad to talk to. It doesn’t really matter if he’s not the best at his job.

Opie: Well, Pa, I reckon that’s so, but…

[Goober barges into courtroom, shuffles over to Andy]

Goober: Andy, Andy, oh, I done it bad this time. Oh, I’m in bad trouble. I mean, bad trouble, Andy.

Andy: Goober, get a hold of yourself. Now calm down and tell me—Goob, get it together—tell me what’s wrong.

Goober: Andy, I done it bad this time. Remember Inelda Wilson that moved to Mount Pilot a few years ago? She’s comin’ to visit tonight!

Andy: Whooooaaa-oh. I do declare, Opie, I believe Goober here is a bit sweet on Ms. Wilson.

Goober: Oh, gosh, Andy, I suppose that’s true. But that’s not the problem! Y’see, we’ve been in contact, writin’ each other other a few letters ‘n all. Nothin’ special, just talking about the latest Rock Hudson films and that, but I might have told her a while back that I was one of your deputies now.

Andy: Goober! Again?!

Goober: Oh, I did, I did. And now I don’t know what I’m gonna do. She’s goin’ t’see I’m nothing better than a mechanic at some little Mayberry dive.

Andy: Well, I’ll tell you what, Goob, I’ll help you one last time. You go grab Gomer from the gas station, and I’ll get Barney to come in and get Otis sobered up.

[fade out. Fade back in, still interior of courthouse. Andy and Opie are at the desk, while Barney stands in front of a lined-up Goober, Gomer, and Otis, all dressed in deputy uniforms]

Barney: ALL right, boys, you might wonder why you’re all here dressed as deputies. Well, I’ll tell you why…[pauses]…um, Andy? Why are they all here again?

Andy: You boys are going to be helping Goober with a problem. Y’see, he’s got himself in a mess and needs us to help him act like he’s a deputy for one night. I know it seems like overdoing it to have you all deputized, but I figured the more of y’all I got to play along the more likely she is to believe it. I hope you fellas don’t mind.

Gomer: Golly, Andy, I got a whole line of cars waiting to be repaired. Wally said if I don’t get it done in the next few days he’s goin’ to cut my paycheck!

Andy: Oh, c’mon, Gomer, just for a little bit.

Gomer: Well, Andy, could I talk to you for a minute in private? [Andy and Gomer walk to the side] Andy, I ain’t no deputy. Shoot, I barely know how to handle the gas station. I’m don't feel right just jumping into being deputized all of a sudden and pretending I'm someone I ain't.

Andy: Oh, all right, Gomer, I see what you’re saying, and I'll try and help you out sometime soon, but right now, we need to worry about Goober. And quite frankly, I'm a bit disappointed you only seem to care about yourself right now.

Gomer: Andy, it ain't that, it's just...aw, shucks, I'll go along, as long as things change in the next few days.

Andy: Oh, they will, they will. [the two return to the rest, who are currently arguing amongst themselves]

Barney: Otis, just hold on a cotton-picking minute! Andy said you’re going to be a deputy, so you’re going to be a deputy!

Otis: But Barney, I promised the wife I’d be home on time for once. I know, I know, I'm not always around the house, but, but…for once I promised!

Barney: Well, it’s certainly surprising you can remember after hitting that still last night! [the two square off, but Andy steps in]

Andy: You two beat everything, you know that! And Otis, I’m sorry you promised your wife, but you should have thought of that earlier. Sorry, but sometimes duty comes before family.

Otis: But…

Barney: YOU HEARD THE MAN. Get back in line.

Otis: [grumbles, underperforms]

Andy: All right, so here’s the plan…

Opie: Pa!

Andy: One minute, Ope. OK, when Inelda shows up, I’ll got out and talk to her while you guys wait…

Opie: Pa! I need to ask you something.

Andy: All right. Barney, you take over while I talk to Opie. [walks over to side with Opie] I do declare, son, I thought I raised you to have a bit of respect when your elders are talking.

Opie: I’m sorry, Pa, but this don't make a lick of sense. I don’t see why we’re all-fired consumed with fixing Goober’s problem when we’re only creating problems for other people. I mean, the sheriff’s job is to keep things moving smoothly for everybody and keep the town as pleasant and manageable as he can. But we’re takin’ Gomer and puttin’ him in a situation he doesn’t like and doin’ the same to Otis just so Goober can be happy! And I mean, it’s Goober! Nothing personal, Pa, but he’s not one of the town’s leading citizens! And I know nobody seems to mind what you do around here, but this just don’t seem right.

Andy: [smiling] Opie, you’re still young, so you probably don’t know about stuff like this. See, when I was just a youngster at Mayberry Union High, I was pretty much a nobody. Sure, courted a few girls, headed a club or two, but I had to work hard to get to where I am. So when people like Goober need me to help, guys that have no real skills except hard work, I do my best to help them out. It might take some maneuvering, and it might mean I don't do my job for a while just so I can help out one or two guys, but it's what I do. Understand? And I ain't goin' to change anything if nobody seems to mind.

Opie: I think I understand, Pa. [Andy pats him on the head, walks away] This whole town is stupid.