The NBA Draft: Where many players achieve their maximum career value

Everyone knows about the famous aphorism that your car loses at least 25% of its value the day you drive it off the lot. Sadly, for many NBA teams the same is true for the young talent they acquire on draft day. Nbadraft.net recently finalized their "player comparisons" for the season, and today it appears that this draft class is replete with probable hall of famers and all-stars. Not that these predictions will ever blow up in that website's face in the future (after all, Deshawn Stevenson turned into the next Michael Jordan right?) Below are the current nbadraft.net predictions for the lottery (and a few highlights after) and who they've compared the players to, prepare to have your face rocked off with how good this draft class is.

#1. Greg Oden. Player Comparison: Bill Russell/David Robinson.

Apparently Oden is a sure-fire hall of famer. Both of these guys are former MVPs and have 13 championships between them. Looks to me like Portland will be the next NBA dynasty.

#2. Kevin Durant. Player Comparison: Dirk Nowitzki/Tracy McGrady

We've heard Durant referred to as versatile and multi-talented, but little did we know he could simultaneously be a 7' German three point sharp-shooter AND a 6'7" slasher.

#3. Al Horford. Player Comparison: Horace Grant/Carlos Boozer

What a drop-off (and given who some of the players are compared to below, NBAdraft.net is clearly making the assumption that the Hawks will make a terrible pick. That being said, this is the Hawks we're talking about). Apparently Horford wears ridiculous goggles, has an identical twin also in the draft, and screams loudly every time someone pops his forehead acne. Also, given the comparisons above we can assume he'll be an all-star.

#4. Brendan Wright. Player Comparison: Chris Bosh

Apparently every tall guy who goes to college for one year will be Chris Bosh. Great research nbadraft.net!

#5. Yi Jianlian. Player Comparison: Pau Gasol

You could almost hear them thinking that comparing him to Yao Ming would be too easy. Either that or they think he actually is Yao Ming (all Chinese people kind of look the same to those racists over at nbadraft.net). Although this is high praise because they're projecting their fifth player in a row to be an all-star, I think we all know this comparison is truly absurd. Yi could never grow a lumberjack beard like Pau's.

#6. Corey Brewer. Player Comparison: Stacey Augmon

Another big drop-off and, given who they've compared people to below, they're assuming the Bucks are going to make a bad draft choice. Maybe the nbadraft.net people are being sly though and obliquely alleging that Brewer also took money under the table to win his school a national championship.

#7. Jeff Green. Player Comparison: John Salmons/Lamar Odom

This is a little like saying that the new Paul McCartney album is like a cross between Puccini and Tommy Lee. I have no idea what a John Salmons/Lamar Odom type player would look like because they're so different, but I suspect it might be one of those human-animal hybrids that George Bush was talking about in the State of the Union a few years back.

#8. Joakim Noah. Player Comparison: Tyson Chandler (Higher Basketball IQ)

For those of you keeping track, Tyson Chandler with a lower basketball IQ is Rafael Arujao. (Although, nbadraft.net thought Arujao would pan out to be Brad Miller. Oops!)

#9. Julian Wright. Player Comparison: Boris Diaw

This is a politician's comparison. It could mean anything! Does this mean that he'll be a terrible role player on an awful Hawks team, a chameleon-like forward who plays four positions on a contending team, or an out-of-shape lard ass? This is like comparing someone to Bernard King but not stating at what point in his drug addiction you're referring to. Information imparted by comparison: none.

#10. Al Thornton. Player Comparison: Al Harrington

You know, in case you wanted to draft a player that is always good on bad teams and bad on good teams. This sort of comparison is practically like giving a player the kiss of death before they get into the NBA. You might as well compare him to Len Bias.

#11. Mike Conley Jr. Player Comparison: TJ Ford

They might have made a non-laughable comparison. I don't know what to do in these situations. Let's pretend this never happened.

#12. Spencer Hawes. Player Comparison: Brad Miller

Wait a second, didn't they compare Rafael Arujao to Brad Miller earlier? Hmmmm, maybe they compare all big white guys to Brad Miller. Let's check. Well Aaron Gray is compared to Matt Geiger, and Curtis Borchardt was compared to Zydrunas Ilgauskas (which I can only assume is some sort of perverse broken foot joke). So maybe the crew over there really does mean Brad Miller to be a compliment. Ouch.

#13. Thaddeus Young. Player Comparison: Paul Pierce

What? You wouldn't draft Brad Miller, TJ Ford, Al Harrington, Boris Diaw, Tyson Chandler, John Salmons, Stacey Augmon, and Horace Grant before Paul Pierce?

#14. Javaris Crittendon. Player Comparison: Steve Francis

Rather than repeat the same joke above, I'll merely note that if nbadraft.net is trying to be funny (and I think we've already seen some examples of perverse, if oblique, jokes above) they really should compare whoever they project Memphis drafting as being Steve Francis. Regardless of position. Twist the knife a little.

Some other highlights:

Rudy Fernandez is apparently Manu Ginobili. Now they can't even get their euro comparisons straight, Rudy is from Spain and Manu's from South America guys. Geez. Would you call a gypsy an African or something?

Nick Young is apparently going to be Josh Howard. Of course he'll be drafted after someone projected to be the next Brian Cook.

Acie Law is projected to be Finals MVP Chuancy Billups. See previous comment regarding Brian Cook.

Josh McRoberts will be Chris Webber, with more timeouts of course.

Daequan Cook will be the next Larry Hughes. Is Larry Hughes career path even capable of being duplicated? He disappointed two different fan bases (Philly, Golden State), was an all-star in Washington, and then got benched this week in favor of a guy named "Boobie."

Marco Belinelli will be Jesus Shuttleworth. Whoever drafts him can look forward to guest appearances from Chasey Lain in the dressing room. Rumor has it Mark Cuban is frantically trying to trade up.

Morris Almond will be Michael Redd, that means he's a mortal lock to score 50 on the Jazz. I'm wondering what the basis for the comparison is though. Are they both left-handed?

Reyshawn Terry will be Stephen Jackson. See previous column regarding Stephen Jackson.

Marcus Williams will be Steve Smith. I guess they're both one-dimensional. Smith could shoot and Marcus is good at growing wispy moustaches.

Alando Tucker will also be Josh Howard. If he and Nick Young ever meet the world may explode.

Carl Landry will be just like some guy named N/A. I don't know anything about that NBA player but I think that's a compliment because it has the same entry as the answer to Raja Bell's gender.

Jared Dudley is compared to "Ademola Okulaja", I think they just made that guy up.

Stanko Barac has the best name ever

They say that Stephane Lasme is a "smaller" Keon Clark. The better comparison is that Clark is a "higher" Stephane Lasme.

Zoran Erceg will be the next Mehmet Okur. Interestingly Zoran's stock seemed to rise in the playoffs.

There you have it folks, in sum this draft has 2 MVPs, 17 all-stars, and a guy named Stanko. Best draft class ever.