Possibly the worst blog on the planet

It has been chronicled ad nauseum on this website that the Utah Jazz have an amazing propensity to give work to people who simply work hard and try their best rather than those who are actually talented and would do the best work. While this has previously only applied to players like Matt Harpring, whose on-court performance wildly vacillates between the patently absurd and putridity, the team has decided to expand its penchant for mediocrity into the online world of blogging by opening a blog sponsored by the team that is written entirely by pre-selected fans. While this sounds like a great concept in theory, the reality is that the result is more optimistic and warm than Mary Poppins on an ecstasy trip at Disneyland.

The website is located at http://www.jazzbots.com/. The team-sponsored bloggers who can only post positive things about the organization actually call themselves "jazzbots." Sometimes the jokes just write themselves.

As you might imagine we don't take kindly to that sort of tone around here; and what's worse is that the blog posts are invariably either horribly boring, completely inane, or borderline racist. Don't believe me? Let's go down the list of a representative sample of jazzbots posts thus far. In fact, this might even become a regular feature.

1. Article about the mascot: I'm sure everyone on the internet actively seeks out information about the Jazz bear making public appearances to drum up interest in the team doing charitable work in the community, but just can't find a good resource detailing the bear's charitable works. Unfortunately the blog post about the bear starts with the following:

What’s big and brown and has everyone cheering?

With all due credit given to prodigy at jazzfanz.com, my initial thought after reading the opening sentence was not of the jazz bear but of this guy:

I'm sure that the team located in Salt Lake City wants that associated with the organization. Of course the article eventually acknowledges that the author has no idea who she's celebrating because the Jazz bear wears a full body suit and conceals the wearer's identity. You know who else employs such a tactic to prevent public identification?

And before you guys say "that's over the top" let's go to the next absurd jazzbots.com post.

2. Birth of a Nation: That's not my title for this post, that was the title selected by the actual author. While the author clearly means it to be about the birth of "jazzbots nation" (a frightening prospect given the "sponsored by candy and toy companies" feel of the website) he probably forgot about the immediate images that the phrase "Birth of a Nation" immediately evokes.

In completely unrelated news, Utah is currently ranked the 38th most educated state in the country.

3. Stilted Writing: One blog poster attempted to write an article about how she was a "convert" from being a Green Bay Packer football fan to a Utah Jazz fan. There's nothing wrong with the premise, but it's obvious that she hasn't written an essay since the fourth grade because she opens her post this way:

con·vert n. 1. A person who is converted from one opinion or practice to
another; a person who is won over to, or heartily embraces, a creed, religious
system, or party, in which he has not previously believed.

I'm so glad to see that the immortal classic "My First Term Paper" is still selling copies, even if its full grown adults buying it for their own use. In all honesty, I have a 10 year old brother and if he started writing a paper that way I'd punch him in the face for being an unoriginal hack. This woman deserves at least two shots to the ovaries.

4. Obvious "awwwww factor": One of the blog "contributors" (I put the term in quotes because most of the blog posts contribute next to nothing) is an elementary school class. I'm sure they'll deliver hard hitting journalism about the Jazz. For instance did you know that most boys in the class like playing AND watching basketball but most girls don't want to play? I'm glad to see that Ms. Jackie Corbridge of Lucille C. Reading Elementary school is playing to gender stereotypes (after all was there any other reason to bifurcate her "polling" by gender?) in her initial blog posts. I fully expect post #2 to be titled "why the only black student in Utah is the most athletic" or "our Asian students are the best at math AND karate."

Who am I kidding? This class is probably actually taught by Clayton Bigsby. The teacher will never give black students credit for being athletic.

5. "Sloan for President": Another actual title for a blog post. Just when I thought actual politicians were stubborn.

Next week: the "Jerry Sloan as Commander in Chief Decision Flow Chart."