Rebounds Didn't Start the Fire

Suppose that, one evening, you wanted to roast some marshmallows. Too lazy to do the whole "camping outdoors" scene, you build an impromptu fire pit in your living room. A good time is had by all as the marshmallows flow like wine. You decide to let the fire burn itself out, as you don't want to deal with the hassle of the smoky mess that would ensue if you were to douse it with water. Then, remembering that you'll need to mow the lawn tomorrow, and also remembering that your containers of gasoline have been stored in your icy-cool shed, you think it prudent to bring said containers inside to "de-ice" them near the fire. Finally, in a visionary move, you seize this rare opportunity to throw that stack of newspapers -- which had been previously slated for retirement in a nearby recycling bin -- squarely on the fire. You head off to bed for a well-deserved night of rest, but not before setting the meth lab in your basement to "auto-pilot".

The next morning, as fire inspectors are pressing for clues, you suggest that "the big problem here is that the house was largely constructed with wood. Studies show that 94% of the time when a house burns down, it was built with some sort of flammable material."

Every game night we hear the same old clichés. "We need to go out and grab the boards tonight if we want to win." "We got out-rebounded tonight, and it's hard to win games when that happens." "The key stat is that the Jazz had five less rebounds than their opponent tonight." "Rebounding IS defense."

Such was the rhetoric following the Spurs game. Obviously if you don't get rebounds, you don't have the ball. And if you don't have the ball, then you can't score points. And if you can't score points, then your only hope is that neither can Houston, err, your opponent. So obviously the Jazz need to work on rebounding, right? After all, studies show that 94% of the time when the Jazz lose, they were out-rebounded.

If it's not blatantly obvious by this point that the answer is going to be "no, you moron!", then please stop reading this article, and start from the beginning of the harpringsucks blog.

The Spurs, indeed, did manage six more rebounds than the Jazz on Friday. Forty to the Jazz' thirty-four, to be exact. It can be, should be, and WAS assumed that the Spurs beat the Jazz on second-chance points from offensive boards. In fact, the Spurs had nine offensive rebounds to the Jazz' paltry...nine? What the...HOW...IS...THIS...POSSIBLE? So the Spurs had six more defensive rebounds than the Jazz? I don't get it.

Enter the marshmallows. Could it be a possibility...I mean, should we even consider that...no, couldn't be. But just for fun, let's hypothesize that potentially, just maybe, those six extra rebounds came as a result of the Jazz missing more shots than the Spurs. I know, I know, I'm crazy. The Jazz missed 44 shots on Friday (shooting 43%), while the Spurs missed only 36 (52%). So one could conclude that a big part of the Jazz' loss was that they didn't hit as many shots as they should have, and allowed the Spurs to hit more shots than they should have, resulting in a rebounding gap. Did the Jazz lose because they sucked at rebounding? As Balki would say, "don't be ridiculous" [laughter].

Did someone say that the Jazz missed Harpring's presence? Oh right, just about everyone said that. I guess if Matt would have played in that game, the Jazz would have scored 11 more points
and had 4 more rebounds, since, logically, those are his averages. Poppycock. The Jazz missed Harpring's rebounding about as much as they missed CJ's poise and Araujo's gracefulness. Harpring would have only helped the team had he gone 7-8 from the floor, passed the ball well, passed the ball at all, or played defense. In other words, he would have only helped the team had he not been himself.

Next time you decide to blame the kindling for being in the way of the spark, first think to yourself "what would bordelais7 say?"

Clutch

Two summers ago, I had the opportunity to hike in Blue John Canyon with a couple of friends. Situated in the Robbers Roost area of south-central Utah, this hike involved several rope-assisted climbs and plenty of intense moments hanging on giant canyon walls.

At one point I remember thinking, as I was looking downwards at what I considered to be certain death, that I was a moron. "Why did I allow myself to get talked into this? What if my arms give out right now? I can't believe I'm missing American Idol for this!" (The last sentence was simply blog keyword loading in an attempt to rank #1 in searches for "Matt Harpring Sucks American Idol". Just in case.)

Then I thought, "you'd have to be an idiot to do this alone".

Most Utahns remember the news coverage of one man who did exactly that.


Look closely at the picture. Notice anything out of place? Like the fact that his arm has become a permanent part of the cliff wall?

Aron Ralston had set out for a carefree desert hike through Blue John Canyon in Southeastern Utah when, with no warning, he had descended into hell. The young man's arm was trapped by an 800-pound boulder and he was forced to make an unimaginable decision in order to survive.

Ralston: "And I was hanging from the boulder, from the top of it, where the last good handholds were. And that was when it shifted. So I dropped down here... and the boulder came and it smashed my left hand here, and it smashed my right hand up here. And then it slid down and it actually dragged my arm down and my arm was right about here.

"I threw myself against the boulder, just trying to get my knee onto this boulder, just lifting up, pushing up. But still, it was -- my hand was trapped. And progressively the pain faded as my hand lost sensation."

That's when Aron Ralston realized that he had violated one of the most basic rules of the outdoors. Always make sure someone knows where you are. But in a lapse from his normal routine, Aron had not told a soul. He wasn't expected back at work for days. No one would miss him, and when they did, they wouldn't know where to begin to look.

How he escaped this predicament is nothing short of clutch.

On the morning of his final day trapped inside the canyon, Ralston knew what he had to do to survive. He had to cut off his arm that was pinned by the heavy boulder.

That would be followed by a 65-foot rappel, and one more seemingly impossible task. With one arm, bleeding profusely, starved and dehydrated, close to shock, Ralston would have to hike seven miles out of the canyon in the direct midday sun. Then there would be an 800-foot vertical climb to the trailhead and his truck. The nearest hospital was a several hour drive.

Of course, he was greeted with wild enthusiasm from his family and friends, weeks of interviews, and a book deal to cement his celebrity status. The throngs managed to herald his brave accomplishments while somehow ignoring the completely avoidable circumstances that created the dilemma.

Fear not, Jazz fans. These types of courageous efforts are not limited to the canyons. We have our very own hero.


Forget the fact that he went 1-6 through the first 40 minutes of the game. Just ignore the possibility that it might have been Fisher who couldn't stay out of foul trouble. Who's that guy on the court who doesn't seem to be guarding anyone, but is nonetheless scrambling around like a headless chicken? Oh wait, that was Harpring on Monday. Is that Fisher who is throwing up a running, fading 15-foot shot bank brick over a double team with 15 seconds left on the shot clock? Yes, yes it is.

Forget all of that. After all, Jerry Sloan has. So have the broadcasters. Yes, the Jazz are down by 1 at home to the Timberwolves, which has everything to do with Fisher's "performance". But over the season, the pain of Fisher's play has progressively faded as the fans, coaches, and players have lost sensation. There are only 5 minutes left in the game and the team needs a basket.

Fisher brings the ball up the court, drives hard to his right, and launches a 20-footer. Nothing but net.

Clutch.

Everything You've Ever Learned about Leadership is Bullshit

Author's note: The following is an excerpt of the highly anticipated novel Everything You've Learned about Leadership is Bullshit by acclaimed author Old School Rules.

Leadership qualities do not go on trees. How do I know this? I don't. But I heard it at a really expensive seminar on leadership qualities. Every book, article, pamphlet, note, memo or post-it I have ever read about leadership has simply been self-aggrandizing bullshit. Consultants and seminarians who style themselves as leadership experts, I've found, have little to offer other than anecdotal evidence and half-truths.

This book is different. One thing about me, I like to use data. Data-free discussions are the ever-flowing marrow of corporate society these days. How many times have you heard flavor of the month terms thrown around loosely in your organizations? What are you doing this month? Are you transitioning from Good to Great? Are you thinking outside the box this month? Are you moving cheese? Are moderately inept people trying to adopt 7 habits of highly effective people?

More importantly, when your organizations are finished making these transitions are there ever any data to support that Good has, in fact, become Great? You're outside of the box? The cheese has been moved? The moderately inept people have become even slightly effective? The answer, I find in my continuous, scrupulous research, is "no."

Folks, effective leadership isn't something you learn by reading a book. The best method for becoming an effective leader is to examine a successful model and apply it to your own organization.

One of my favorite, and most used models of this is the current make up of the NBA's Utah Jazz, specifically Matt Harpring. Harpring is an interesting specimen because he does not seem to fit the dominant paradigms of effective leadership. His leadership does not come by example, rather it comes from a higher (possibly divine) mandate. On the surface Harpring is an average to sub-par basketball player. However, for the average Utah Jazz fan, the name Matt Harpring evokes a powerful response. Ask a Jazz fan about Matt Harpring and you'll often hear the words "football," "tough," "defense," "grit," "hard worker," and "energizer bunny."

That's pretty powerful stuff. How does he do it? I'll not only show you, but I'll provide you with some examples that you can apply to your day to day life. Remember you don't need to be an NBA player to achieve these results, but you can use the same strategies and start down the path of being an effective leader.

Chapter 1: The Smaller the Potatoes, The Bigger the Steak Looks

We'll start with one of the most effective, applicable examples of Harpring Style Leadership: The scowl. An effective scowl is a definite leadership builder. In Harpring's case, it gives off the appearance of being tough, angry, determined or any combination of the three. To break this down more effectively, let's use a visual aid:
The scowl is an excellent communication tool. Spend some time looking at the picture above. Practice your scowl in the mirror. Careful not to overdo it, though. Too much scowl can give you the image of being pouty, while not enough scowl can give others the impression that you're a pushover.

Once you've determined that your scowl is effective enough, start putting it to use in real life situations. Remember, once you go to work, do not take the scowl off of your face. From the time you arrive at the office, that scowl must be there. As soon as you sit at your desk, I'll guarantee you'll notice that others will start treating you differently.

One client of mine, a file clerk at a cosmetics company (and is now director of blabbity-blah blah) saw immediate benefits from an effective scowl. Evidently, my client had been having trouble getting a raise. He was producing an average amount of work and was tired of not getting raises due to his average work output. Not wanting to increase his work output, my client decided to increase his leadership quotient in the office.

My client was subtle at first with his scowl technique. As soon as his manager handed him a new project, my client would look his manager in the eye, scowl and determinedly march off to perform his mundane duties. It wasn't long before my client's co-workers noticed that something was different. "You approach your work with such grit," one co-worker noticed. "Did you play football?" another co-worker would ask. The more he scowled while working, the more his co-workers felt beneath his contempt. My client was elated, however, it was just the beginning.

It was time to take the scowl to the next level. Co-workers had noticed the change and had begun to take my client more seriously, but his manager still hadn't noticed. My client decided that he would add a little more scowl to his daily duties. Sure enough, it came time to give a status report to the company CEO, my client used his scowl to effectively walk down the hall to the CEO's office. While giving the report to the CEO, my client would scowl at the end of every sentence. The CEO was so impressed with this, he pulled my client's manager into his office and told him that my client had the kind of toughness and leadership that the company was looking for. The CEO then informed my client's manager that he'd be moving my client over the department and moving the manager into sales.

My client was just beginning his ascension to greatness. While the scowl had gotten him this far, he found that he needed to employ other Harpring tactics. For instance, we have yet to cover running hard to every meeting, looking pissed until it is your turn to speak in a meeting and calling other employees out in the company newsletter - all of which will be addressed in further chapters.

In the meantime, use this list below to practice your scowl techniques.

Harpring's Keys to an effective scowl:

1. Purse lips enough to look tough. Careful not to do it too lightly. Slightly pursed lips will give you an effete effect and have the opposite results you're looking for.

2. Tense up. Red in the face is good. Too red might give others that you ate too much cheese the night before. Also, be sure to consult your doctor if you start to experience sharp chest pains.

3. Focus on something trivial that really pissed you off. People who drive too slow, that guy who told you about the ending to "The Sixth Sense" before you saw it, whatever it takes. Fixate on that moment and your face will follow suit.

4. Make eye contact when you scowl. Not only does it keep others around you guessing, it also ensures that everyone you come in contact with will walk on eggshells. It's a great distraction technique as everyone will focus on what you're pissed at rather than what you're actually doing.

Enjoy putting the Harpring techniques to work in the field.

Next week:

Chapter Two: How Matt Harpring Runs His Ass off to Give the Impression that He's Actually Doing Something

Utah Jazz Bingo

Harpringsucks.com is proud to present "Utah Jazz Bingo." Print out your very own bingo sheet(s) (refresh to randomize the sheet), and get your markers ready.

Hint: try to avoid having the "bogey square" ("Harpring Assist") near any of the "blatant certainties" ("Fisher WTF", "MLA", etc.)

You may have to have more than one person on hand, as this may move pretty quickly.

Enjoy!

Harpring Sucks.