Breaking News: Larry Miller slightly crazy.

Occasionally we hear odd stories about metrics that the Utah Jazz use that no other team cares about. During the playoffs, much was made about how much Jerry Sloan values "deflections" because they disrupt the offensive plays of other teams and lead to worse shots or require the team to restart their play with less time on the shot-clock. While deflections seemed like an odd thing to keep track of in terms of raw numbers (Harpring Sucks speculated that that Tyrone Corbin's sole job was to track deflections ... oh and bring some much needed diversity to the coaching staff), AOL has done a piece on what is undoubtedly the weirdest stat used by an NBA owner regularly: batting average. While the use of batting average has been mentioned in the Utah media before, it had (thankfully) been ignored by the national media because it sort of makes Larry Miller look a little crazy. After all, how often does an owner of the team use a stat that is blatantly associated with another sport to rate his own players? People would laugh if Miller started saying he was rating his players by their "Yards per reception," "Tackles," or "Golden Snitches Caught." As a result, I have no idea why he thought it would be any different to talk about batting average. Clearly the decision to disclose this "metric" was as ill-considered as his decision to wear those shorts.

While some have indicated that the metric as formulated by LHM works pretty well for the top end (although it does rate David Lee as the 8th best player in the NBA) I think we should see how it evaluated Jazz players last year. Maybe this will finally explain Jarron Collins career.

Carlos Boozer: .461

Paul Millsap: .310

Andrei Kirilenko: .297
Mehmet Okur: .289

Gordan Giricek: .284

Deron Williams: .277

Ronnie Brewer: .210
Matt Harpring: .205

Dee Brown: .147

Rafael Arujao: .140

Derek Fisher: .135

Jarron Collins: .111

CJ Miles: -.075

Putting aside the hilariously negative rating that Larry Miller's "batting average" stat gives to CJ Miles (who happens to share a name with an asian bikini model, frankly I suspect I'd accept a trade for the model) this metric actually raises serious questions about how the Jazz use players. Interestingly, Jerry's Kids (a fitting nickname for Harpring, Fisher, and Collins) rank near the bottom of the team. While we've long been saying that Sloan used them far more than their level of play justifies it appears that Larry Miller should agree given that his metric justifies burying them very near the end of the bench. Curiously, it also indicates that Miller has essentially destroyed his bargaining position by essentially offering a max contract already to a player that he believes is only the 6th best player on the team. Also, it shows that even though AK had an awful season last year and the Jazz have publicly told him he's not earning his money, Larry must believe that he was Utah's 3rd best player last season and, by Larry's breakdown of the batting average stats, was a near all-star.

All of this raises the following question: If Larry's metrics say that Harpring, Fisher, and Collins suck and Jerry Sloan plays those guys far disproportionately to their production why is Larry such a dogged supporter of Sloan? Sounds to me like Larry should believe that the Jazz would be better off with someone else. Someone who wouldn't have kept Giricek in the dog-house the last three seasons for example. So why does he keep him around? My theory is that he thinks he's pretty, but that's a whole other column.

Blogoetry still sucks: Joshua Leavitt continues to write crappy jazz-based poetry for jazzbots. Stunningly he's actually getting worse, this time eschewing any real structure or coherent syllabic-rhyming scheme. One assumes he learned to write poetry in Jackie Corbridge's english class (in other news, a google search for "Jackie Corbridge" currently returns Harpring Sucks blasting her woeful poetry teaching skills higher than her staff page at her elementary school. I'm sure her family is so proud). In my mind, he's the classic example of what happens when people are too positive: they keep doing something they suck at because someone 5 years ago said they thought it was good. Here's a newsflash: your poetry is reminiscent of Herbert Hoover's attempts to manage the economy. Soon I'm going to start assuming that sucking so badly is done purposefully and that you're some sort of performance artist. Even if that is the case, they don't get laid either. Sorry dude, time to find a new gimmick. Maybe you could grow facial hair like this guy:

Would that make Frank Layden Salieri?: The Mueller family compares Jerry Sloan to Mozart and argues that Andrei Kirilenko should be paying money to play for him. Apparently Mozart repeatedly failed to win the composer of the year award. Who knew?

Most stunningly, the Muellers offer Antoine Carr and David Benoit as evidence that Jerry Sloan makes good players out of bad players. David Benoit? What do they think he looked like before Jerry Sloan got to him? If he was any worse the basketball would have been a potentially lethal weapon every time he shot.

The Charles Barkley Memorial "I aint no role model" award: Karen Chatterton asked her 6th grade class to answer the question "How are the Utah Jazz team members an asset to our community?" Unfortunately, no student answered "Ronnie Brewer teaches us to remember to practice safe sex by stopping for condoms when taking a stripper back to the hotel." Similarly, these ill-educated students didn't bring up Carlos Boozer's contributions to the economy through his frequent visits to Best Buy. Instead, they gave answers like:

Ryan wrote: “They are a positive influence to the city because they help support
kids in reading and literature. Since they do that, the kids think,oh, reading
must be cool since the Jazz do it.”

I question how many children are following AK's lead by purchasing dime-store Russian novels.

“The Jazz are a big help to the community because they inspire little kids
everywhere. My little brother is obsessed with Carlos Boozer. I mean, they look
up to the team and they are inspired to work hard and be just like them.” -
Logan

In related news, Logan's brother rubs chicken grease on his forehead every night in hopes of looking more like his idol in the morning.

Unoriginal blogging: Keith Haney makes an extended Jazz/Star Wars comparison. What a fantastic idea! No one's ever done something like that before.

Besides outright theft, Mr. Haney also centers his blog article around a questionable premise: the Utah Jazz pre-season is exciting because there's nothing else interesting going on right now in the world of sports. You know, unless you count the baseball playoffs and the fact that at the time he wrote this two 5-0 teams in the NFL were about to square off.

He reasons that the NFL is boring because the AFC championship game will be the only thing that matters. Apparently he stopped watching the NBA playoffs after the Spurs-Suns series concluded, won't vote after the Democratic primary this year, and doesn't wrap Christmas presents because he already knows what's in there so what's the point?

We give Alan Hinckley the finger: Alan Hinckley apparently likes it when we make fun of his blog posts. Well we won't give you the satisfaction Mr. Hinckley! Not even to point out that the essential premise of your first paragraph is false because Jazz fans booed John Stockton lustily on draft night.



Take that! I'm sure you feel the sting of being so lowly we refuse to even acknowledge you.

Grandma fans?: For some reason Annie Whittaker writes a passionate appeal to "grandma fans." Unfortunately she's not talking about people like you and me who take an unhealthy interest in older women. Instead she's talking about literal grandmothers who happen to also be jazz fans.

Interestingly she goes on to claim that grandma fans are the most vocal and passionate fans around. The only game I've ever been to with my grandmother she was passive, only said "goodie" after Utah baskets, and I'm positive that she broke a hip when she tried to stand up after a three point shot. Ultimately she died when a Matt Harpring roguish grin made her heart flutter.

Frankly, this is my reason for being a jazz fan. They cleanse the earth of too many old people. Besides, who wants Energy Solutions Arena smelling vaguely of denture cream anyways?

Halloween Costume Ideas: This year I'm undecided as to what to dress as for Halloween and I'm currently tossing around a number of jazz-themed and non jazz-themed costumes. Everyone knows that the cleverness of my costume will determine the likelihood that I will be deemed attractive by any partygoers any place I should happen to turn up and that this will directly effect the odds of the Madame allowing me to go for the threesome attempt. Halloween is my birthday after all so I think she owes me something. Feel free to steal any of these:

1. Oscar the Grouch: Requires extensive preparation because you have to be willing to cut the bottom out of a garbage can and attach suspenders to the insides so that you don't drop the can all night. On the positive side you can ask women if they've always wanted to know what Oscar looked like "below the waist." As far as I can tell there is no evidence that Oscar ever wore clothes under there so feel free to take liberties with the costume idea.

2. Derek Fisher's daughter: There are a number of directions to take this one. All of them are likely to get you punched in the face. If you have the balls to do this in the greater Utah area I want pictures.

3. The Incredible Hulk: Simple and low-cost, all you have to do is paint your body green and wear nothing but tattered pants. This is only recommended in one of two situations. You either have to be a) incredibly thin so that the very concept of you being the incredible hulk is patently absurd or b) incredibly obese so that you can feign innocence as to knowing that the incredible hulk was supposed to be hulky AND muscular.

4. For the lady readers: The woman that Dee Brown, Deron Williams, Ronnie Brewer, and Paul Millsap allegedly took home to the Portland hotel. Bring condoms. We all know that for most women Halloween is just another excuse to dress like a tramp anyways.

5. A pillow fort: Self-explanatory for those who follow the Jazz.

6. The Gorton's Fisherman: Another simple costume that will instantly recognizable and no one else at the party will be dressed like you.

7. Flesh Gordon: As an added bonus you could dress a pet up as one of the monsters Flesh Gordon encounters. The penisaurus

And if you think this whole segment was just a thinly-veiled excuse to post the diagram of the penisaurus rex, I plead guilty.

New Advertising Slogan: The Mueller family points out that Jazz fans should be thankful because our team is better than Seattle. Isn't this sort of like being thankful for your health because you know a guy with leprosy? Or thankful that you have money every time you see a homeless guy? Or feel good about your sexual prowess because your 35 year old brother lives on your parents couch and plays Everquest all day? I mean, it's easy to feel good about yourself when you're comparing yourself to one of the worst teams in the league. By this logic, even Clippers fans should feel good because, hey, they're not the Hawks. All that being said, I think "we're not as bad as the Sonics" should replace "Pure Adrenaline Rush" as the Jazz media slogan this season.

Late News Department: Tammy Rasmussen writes an article wondering how Tim Donaghy affected games this season. I anticipate her next article will be about violence in the NBA following the vicious hit Kermit Washington put on Rudy Tomjanovich.

Interestingly she implies that there are many other referees involved in betting on NBA games because Donaghy has threatened to name names of other referees who have engaged in "wrong doing." Of course she doesn't mention that the allegations against other referees generally consists of playing blackjack in casinos and other non-basketball related gambling. Funny how you can make the whole league sound bad by not telling the whole story though. This, by the way, is why we make fun of housewives and fourth graders. As journalists, they truly do suck. But since they try hard the Jazz gives them playing time on an official blog. I guess it's not stunning so many of them love Sloan as a result.

Future Harpring Sucks writers: Turns out there are a handful of Jackie Corbridge's students who have a fine future with this blog. When asked to finish the sentence "The best part of watching the Jazz is" a handful of her students answered "hearing the crowd boo the players." Those are children I want to adopt/steal from their parents. One kid says the best part of watching the jazz play is the food. I'm setting the over/under on that 10 year old's weight at 150.

Strained Genre Analogies: Cameron Hansen continues his practices of stilted writing by making an extended analogy about Ronnie Brewer's pre-season as being a movie preview, Deron Williams upcoming season as being the third episode in a series, and the AK47 saga as an action/drama. Extending the analogy, I'm saying the fact that he regularly contributes to a blog qualifies as a greek tragedy.

Completely Expected: Laurie Nyland started with a quote again. I am shocked and awed. At this point I'm positive that she probably has only one ever seen one Jazz game, but she has it on tape and just watches it every night. At this point, her doing something like this is almost more predictable than Harpring Sucks making jokes at the expense of those incapable of defending themselves.

New Blog next Thursday. Someday we may even have other content!

Quarter 1: the post-draft show

Congratulations to the Boston Celtics, I'm sure you'll get a great player at number 5.

The biggest lottery loser (besides Boston): the Utah Jazz. Anyone else think that with Oden and Durant likely going to Portland and Seattle that the Northwest division is suddenly one of the toughest in basketball? So much for a Utah dynasty in the division.

Is anyone else vaguely disappointed Isiah wasn't involved in the lottery process? We've totally been robbed of our opportunity to see Aaron Gray go #1 or something.

Everyone should leave comments congratulating IzeofLight: she's functionally engaged as of this week.

Apparently all of the Pussycat Doll's singing is done by one woman (the 3rd ugliest one), so the others are all there solely for window dressing. You'd think they could have done a better job than that if they were going only for looks. I've seen more attractive lineups in the "male line" at bars named things like "cattyshack."

Boozer just had pretty much the greatest inside drive I've ever seen...you know if the goal was to throw the ball 5 feet straight in the air without hitting the rim.

Mehmet Okur tries to sink a flying reverse lay-up. Someone needs to take away his Jordan highlight tape.

I think I'd pay roughly $250 to see Tim Duncan wear a headband and play on the Warriors. He'd be launching 4 threes a game by his second week.

The announcers are going on and on about Oberto's ability to move without the ball. Apparently he had the same surgery that John Starks did.

I love the 45 second long discussion of how well AK can block shots "after the foul." Somehow the words "doesn't count in the box score were never used either."

Mehmet Okur just took (and made) a 35 foot shot. I'm willing to bet Sloan yanks him in the next two minutes for not working the ball inside.

Gregg Poppovich calls time-out. Interestingly the madder he gets the deeper the craters in his face seem to appear. Sort of like he's got some sort of anger suction cups on his face.

Oooooh, they just showed the transformers movie trailer. Unfortunately this can't top the last one which featured the voices of Leonard Nimoy and Orson Welles as Unicron. Yes, Orson Welles was in a Transformers movie. Look it up!

Tim Duncan and Tony Parker just gave interviews talking about how much they appreciate each other. It's a good thing they interviewed them separately or they may have started showing each other the angry inch. I'm pretty sure Parker was putting on lipstick by the end of that interview.

Apparently referee Bennett Salvatore owns a steak house in Connecticut. Being that he's an NBA referee he's probably absolutely convinced that it's actually in Vermont and issued a technical to the guy who printed the address on the menus.

Is anyne else excited about the prospect of Stephen A. Smith yelling at halftime? Where does "an argument between Stephen A. Smith and Dick Vitale" rate on ESPN's decibel meter?

Madame Kicky isn't with me tonight because she decided to take a nap after spending all day researching a law suit where there is no plaintiff. Imagine how tired she'll be when there are actually two sides to a case.

Apparently the best advertiser ESPN could find for this game was the NCAA Men's lacrosse championship. I'm sure they paid for that ad in cash they found between their couch cushions.

Does anyone else think it looks like Tony Parker uses Ron Popeil's spray-on hair?

Michelle Tafoya just referred to Carlos Boozer as the "Jazz' Shaq" and wasn't ironically talking about his injury history. I'm sort of disappointed.

Matt Harpring just did an incredible manuever that can only be described as an "off the ball" crossover. I'm not certain what he thought that "shake and bake" move was going to do to his defender when he didn't have the ball. I can only guess he actually suffered a minor seizure.

The announcers are spending a lot of time talking about Jacque Vaughn's previous years with the Jazz. I have no idea why this is relevant. Did anyone currently on the Jazz every actually play with Jacque Vaughn? As far as I can tell the only reason he's still in the league is because his name sounds vaugely french and Chad Ford put him high on his draft board thinking he was a hot euro prospect.

Over to Ize for the second quarter. Have fun with our estrogen infusion for the second quarter.

Second Quarter: Eyeing my cooling yakisoba hungrily

This pussycat dolls song only gets worse the more times they play it. Why can't they play a good song, like "Holy Diver" by Dio?

I like how the ad for the NBA Store features jerseys for players that are no longer in contention. At least the NBA finally worked the Dwayne Wade and Shaq ads out of the rotation.

Madame Kicky and I are arguing about whether Holy Diver or Styx's "Come Sail Away" would be a better song. As much as I like Pirate Anthems, I'm convinced that "The Very Beast of Dio" should win every time.

How much money do you think ABC would have paid to have this game be a Warriors-Suns broadcast instead?

I thought the Jazz were playing 4 on 5, then I realized Brent Barry was in this camera's blind spot. I hate ABC.

Can anyone explain to me why Finley starts over Brent Barry? Or Manu Ginobili? I mean, never mind, those maneuvers certainly make it harder for the Jazz to win.

Mark Jackson is apparently talking in the Karl Malone voice from "The Man Show."

Mark Jackson is also talking about how Duncan plays basketball better than most "young guys." I didn't realize that ten year veterans should be compared to the young guys. Maybe Jackson is trying to get on an NBA roster next season by saying he's a viable veteran since Duncan is still a young guy.

God, I like these teams and I'm still more interested by Madame Kicky's paper on evidence spoilation.

David Robinson is in the house. He's also the only NBA player I've ever seen that didn't gain 50 pounds in the first 3 years after his playing career ended.

This game feels like we're down by a lot more than 7 points.

Utah appears to be playing under the four passes before every shot "Jimmy Chitwood Rule."

I firmly believe Arena Football is getting higher ratings today.

You know, Harpring's waving his arms wildly. I think he might be open.

Madame Kicky keeps asking "is it halftime yet?" I think she really wants me to take her to Starbucks."

Fun Fact: Utah is shooting 27.6% on the game and San Antonio is shooting 58.3%. How we're only losing by 9 points is anyone's guess. That this game is close is entirely smoke and mirrors.

Fun Fact #2: I may be reduced to plucking out my own eyes rather than watching this game if it keeps going this way.

Fun Fact #3: At this rate, the Sportscenter re-cap will focus on the "great defense" played by the Spurs rather than the truth of "Utah clearly is playing with the house's money, and knows they are a long shot to win the series."

Mark Jackson points out that the Spurs are winning because "their star players are playing like stars." Apparently Mark Jackson went through the prophet of the obvious graduate degree program.

I miss Stephen Jackson already. Life just isn't the same without him.

Mark Jackson discusses the offensive player "having a conversation with the defender without even talking" and then reverted into mimicking the conversation in 2nd person. He needs to be in the studio with Kenny and Charles NOW.

Utah down by 16. On the plus side, Boozer scored his first field goal with only three minutes left in the first half.

Mark Jackson just called the Spurs "a bunch of scientists." Other than Tim Duncan, did any of them graduate from college?

Deron Williams looks legitimately scared. Like a 14 year old kid seeing his first naked woman.

Joey Fatone is on Dancing with the Stars? Don't you have to be a "star" to be on that show?

Deron manages not to prematurely ejaculate his free throws.

I'm convinced Baby Tim Duncan had a mobile over his crib with tiny backboards on strings.

Whoa! Jeff Van Gundy is an announcer for this game. I didn't hear him say anything for 30 minutes and now he's talking all the time. Someone must have told him he has to comment to get paid.

Believe it or not, San Antonio actually has more turnovers than we do. Things are not looking good for our improvement.

You know what's going to make me feel better after a terrible half of basketball? Orange Mocha Frappuccinos!

The Jazz are walking back to the locker room a little gingerly at half time.

First Quarter: I gave up watching Ninja Warrior for This?!

The Jazz better give me a show. I was watching fishing boat captains named Nagasaki run through obstacle courses or face "muddy disgrace." One of the contestants came straight from work (a gas station) and had to run the whole obstacle course in his work uniform. That was dramatic.

Interesting subplot: Whom will Bruce Bowen attempt to injure first? My money is on Deron Williams, I suspect anyone else would either break bones that would stick out of the skin and have the potential to cut Bowen (AK), would be a sure-fire bet to pop a zit in his eye and blind him for the rest of the series (Boozer), or probably smell too awful to get near enough to hurt him. (Okur).

Fisher giving the team a pre-game pep talk. The word's retinal blastoma weren't mentioned once. I fail to be inspired.

Fabricio Oberto is a starting quality NBA center for a contending team? Really? Oh wait, we start Derek Fisher at shooting guard I guess I can't criticize.

I hate the ABC camera angle where they inexplicably decided "the standard camera at half court angle has worked for 20 years, let's shake it up with a weird angle where you can't see the whole half court anymore." This is almost as bad as ABC ditching the NBA on NBC music that was composed by John Tesh.

Aw Crap. I have the Pussycat Doll's "Right Now" song stuck in my head. I think I might consider suffering an aneurism in order to get that out of my head in a timely fashion. This is almost as bad as the time I had the Teddy Ruxpin theme music stuck in my head for a solid year between 1989-1990.

Gregg Popovich wearing his spring pastel suit. Very trendy.

Francisco Oberto just missed a free throw by rocketing the ball straight at the back of the rim. That thing came off the rim so fast people in the first row were diving to shield their small children.

Jerry Sloan just silently dropped the F-Bomb on the sidelines. That moves him into the #2 spot for F-bombs by a coach all time. #1 is Bill Fitch, who, from the games I watched, pretty much holds an unbreakable record.

Kirilenko guarding a player that exclusively hangs out in the corner and shoots three pointers. That makes sense given that he's most useful as a help defender.

I've been live-blogging too long. Madame Kicky has decided to eat my lunch. Goodbye Yakisoba! I hardly knew ye!

Utah currently shooting more free throws than San Antonio in San Antonio. 0.0% of NBA fans believe that is sustainable.

20 seconds after typing that Boozer picks up his second foul. It's fun being prophet of the obvious. I predict Sloan will wait too long to call a time-out in this game.

Dear God, they're playing the Pussy-Cat dolls again. If only this game was on TNT. Even if they played the song over there, we'd get the benefit of seeing Barkley dance to it or something.

The Desperate Housewives advertisement is ridiculous. I'm vaguely missing The Closer already. Although nothing could make me miss Tyler Perry's House of Payne.

Madame Kicky (who is currently writing a paper and thus barely paying attention) comments "They have got to stop saying penetration!"

This seems like a good time to show you all the hard-hitting questions Matt Harpring answers on his website:

From Dari: I'm from Indonesia. I wonder, do you know where Indonesia
is?

Thank you, Dari. I appreciate your question in many ways. Yes,
I know where Indonesia is. I've kept track of emails that I've gotten from
fans who live outside the USA. So far my count is up to 48, including The
Philippines, Algeria, Turkey, Portugal, Brazil, Bolivia, Russia, Croatia,
Greece, ... and many more. Someday I'd like to put up a "flag and
fans" web page. It is really nice to know I have fans around the
world! Matt Harpring #15

See guys! Matt doesn't just work hard on the court. He also works hard at his basic geography!

Uh oh guys. Robert Horry is in the game. Start putting on your Rip Hamilton face masks.

Utah makes a "plays hard" substitution by bringing in Harpring for Kirilenko.

Utah is 3-14 from the field. Shockingly Fisher has taken no shots.

Despite the fact that San Antonio has 3 white players on the court, the announcers have already resorted to making "vanilla" jokes about the Jazz. In related news, I think they just called the Pistons "nappy-headed hoes."

San Antonio went on a 11-0 run at one point. There was no time-out by Sloan. All hail prophet of the obvious!

This Kia commercial features more clutch shots than the Milwaukee Bucks made all season.

Mark Jackson refers to himself as a horrible defender. Somehow manages to not bring up his insistence he should have started over John Stockton.

Ginobili's bald spot is hypnotizing. How has he not become the Rogaine spokesperson yet?

I'm convinced that Duncan only has two expressions: 'completely expressionless' and 'stunned you called that foul on me.'

Popovich comments that Horry does the "little things that win games." Apparently inciting near brawls that get key players on the other team suspended is now part of the fundamentals.

Game V, Quarter III

Bordy has been assigned to the 3rd quarter, in order to give the HarpringSucks blog an interlude of thoughtful, serious discourse in between the incompetent and insane blogging team of SJFmoog.

Jazzgal15 (noted Harpring apologist) may (unwillingly) share some thoughts with us during this blog.

Having heard the first half on the radio, I can tell you this: Hot Rod's season-long dream has been to be alone with Giricek for just a couple of seconds, so that he can strangle him. He made it sound like Giruh is an incompetent fool who doesn't belong in the NBA.

JG: "This isn't Matt's series."

Speaking of chat quotes, the "Harpring Embarrassing Moment of the Night" goes to sirkickyass, for exclaiming unabashedly that he "bought a Dio song last night because they were on South Park. I don't regret it."

I just ran JG's comments through the babelfish "Apologist-to-Reality" translater, and came up with the result of "Harpring Sucks"

Ok. So we failed to get Baron Davis suspended for at least a game. Let's re-focus our efforts and see if we can get the league to do something about suspending David Blaine for a bit.

Warriors begin with a three. After twenty minutes to gather themselves and prepare, somehow the Jazz didn't see it coming.

In case you were wondering why I didn't watch the first half on TV, it was part of a personal boycott. I watched in disgust during game 2 as all the happy fans in the lower bowl were frolicking about in the blue t-shirts. How come *I* didn't get a shirt? I pay good money for cable so that I can watch the Jazz on TV. Why is it...(whoa, AK hit a jumper...and now a 3-point play!)...that the Jazz consider ME to be LESS of a fan? Screw LHM.

DOWN GOES BARON! Harpring can't help but admire the length of time that Davis stayed down on the floor.

Warriors apologist, JG15: "I feel really bad that Baron is down."

Support from the gallery: ‹tatermoog› "Nice...job, Bordy."

Haiku time.

Blogging tonight sucks
I've got nothing; I've gone dry
Put Harpring in now

‹JG15› "AK better be getting...some...action"
Not sure what JG is thinking about.

Did they just say "Kirilenko leads all scorers"? Hahahahahahahaha....

Whoa. He does.

If a fight starts inside the small arc under the basket, does it still count as a fight?

If you got stuck alone in a dark alley with Matt Barnes, would you run...or just laugh?

Harpring coming in!
"He brings toughness to the game"
Man, I need a beer.

Announcers hypothesize that "Utah is just 2 or 3 successful possessions away from starting a run". In other news...

Millsap simply chuckles as he finds himself alone with Matt Barnes.

Harpring fouled in the face. JG: "Noooooo!!!"

Pandelerium on the court. Technicals and flagrants everywhere. Meanwhile the ballboys are having trouble keeping up with mopping all of the toughness off the floor.

Dee misses three straight free throws. He just closed his eyes and pretended he was shooting threes.

Golden State is being careless now. Don Nelson is about to slip on some toughness.

Now it's Tater time!
Stay tuned, you loyal readers!
(basically me)

Quarter 2: Defense? Come again?

the act or action of defending; capability of resisting attack.

If you are a Jazz fan, you have to feel good about the fact that the Jazz are winning this second round series 3 games to 1. But call me a purist, I just can't feel good about the fact that the Jazz have given up 32 points already at home in the 1st quarter of a close out game. They have yet to hold GS to less than 100 points so far this series and the Warriors are already 1/3 of the way there tonight despite being a quarter through the game.

Despite the complaints about defense, that Dee Brown has already made a jumpshot is a good omen for the remainder of this game.

Monta Ellis thinks he's still in shootaround doing the lay-up drill.

Where would the Jazz be without Millsap tonight? And is he playing well enough to cancel the excruciatingly poor play of Giricek?

Millsap continues his great play by taking the charge on Ellis who just realized the lay-up drill is over and this is the actual game.

I just realized the NBA suspended the wrong point guard - Did Deron Williams really deserve that? Maybe they only allow so many 7 turnover games in a series before taking mercy and just keeping him out of the game.

Barak Obama sucks - he don't deserve no fugging royalties.

What the heck does Doug Collins know about basketball anyway? He couldn't even win with MJ.

Will AK have more dunks than Deron has points this game?

Kicky and Tater - the only two guys who can have a discussion about the Gilmore Girls during a close out game 5. They claim they are straight.

I'm beginning to think kicky and madame kicky are the same person. Don't all law students look alike anyway?

Baron Davis with the exact same play against Deron as when Deron posted up Ellis and was called for an offensive foul. Is consistency too much to ask?

Doug Collins: "Deron Williams hung in the air and walked with the basketball." Not even Jordan could do that.

Gordan Giricek doing his best Trent Dilfer impression with the pass that was about 15 feet above Dee Brown's head.

Does Dee Brown really think he can make that shot?

My final thought - Giricek has played about as poorly as I've seen a Jazz player play all throughout the playoffs. Deron Williams has been worse.

Warriors with 22 points in the 2nd quarter - now on pace for "only" 108 points.

Quarter 1: In which the Jazz don Kevlar in anticipation of violence

Madame Kicky and I seriously considered live-blogging the series finale of Gilmore Girls. For those of you that watched it we spent most of the episode wondering if the final plot twist was going to be that Logan was Barak Obama all along. I also spent a good amount of time strenuously arguing that the perfect nihilistic ending to the series would be for the girl that everyone has sunk hundreds of thousands of dollars into (Rory) to suffer a fatal car accident out of nowhere. Madame Kicky just thought it wasn't funny anymore. I think we were both right.

How many seasons until we have Criss Angel "hovering" above rims and it is supposed to somehow inspire us to watch NBA games? I swear, ever since the season that Rob Thomas sung that heartbreak song every 20 seconds during the finals the commercials for the NBA have been getting progressively worse.

Does anyone else think that David Blaine stole Stephen Wright's voice?

Robert Horry was suspended today. Has anyone figured out exactly why what he did was worse than the Baron Davis and Jason Richardson hits? Oh wait, no one pays money to watch Robert Horry.

Charles Barkley made a legitimate basketball point in pre-game. That fills his quota for the week. He'll be back to Krispy Kreme jokes in no time.

They just showed some lady on television holding a sign about Charles Barkley with a scary fixed grin. I'm convinced she might have had tetanus.

Madame Kicky is excited that the Warriors have brought back the orange headbads for tonight.

I've always loved that the referees have numbers on their backs. Why don't they ever have jersey retirement ceremony's for the refs? Shouldn't Dick Bavetta's number retirement ceremony be sponsored by Michael Jordan out of appreciation?

Madame Kicky is claiming her "inner eye" tells her the Jazz will lose tonight. Little does she know that her inner eye has retinal blastoma.

How many hours do you think Stephen Jackson spent in detention in high school? I'm guessing it was his only "class." I have visions of him being the detention veteran like the rebel kid from the Breakfast Club. Although I cringe when I think about Jackson kissing Molly Ringwald.

Kirilenko goes in for a dunk. Jason Richardson somehow restrains himself.

Madame Kicky complaining she always gets Molly Ringwald and Molly Shannon mixed up. Mary Katherine Gallagher in Pretty in Pink would have been interesting. Not to mention Sweet Sixteen.

Madame Kicky is convinced that Stephen Jackson has a "shady side" and a "non shady side" and how funny he is depends upon which part of his face if nearer the camera.

Madame Kicky REALLY wants Okur to wear an orange headband.

I'm so glad that advertisers have decided that ugly, hairy, topless men are funny. I blame Will Ferrell for this.

I think this is an opportune time to tell everyone that Starbucks started selling Orange Mocha Frappuccinos today. You know, in case you're a Warriors fan and feel like getting in a gasoline fight after the game.

Deron Williams has 2 fouls in the first quarter. This has never happened before!

Madame Kicky firmly believes that Baron Davis will never win a championship because "Moses was left out in the wilderness for 40 years for losing his temper."

I'm firmly convinced Rafael Arujao's warmups are now bonded to his skin.

Doug Collins just said that the Warriors "layed in a deuce." That's just unsanitary.

I really wonder when the Closer's season premiere is. If only there was a commercial to give me this kind of information.

I just saw a replay of a Utah turnover where the ball was passed to AK and I'm convinced he must have been momentarily intangible. Suddenly the ball was behind him and in the Warrior's hands. Maybe AK secretly died over the summer and the team has been secretly haunted by his ghost all season. We really need to get Scooby Doo on this one.

Stephen Jackson misses a wide open shot. Doug Collins credits it to Harpring's defense.

Stephen Jackson misses another 3. Doug Collins comments it was a good possession because now the Warriors can go "2 for 1." Of course the Jazz scored and Golden State failed to score on either possession. Is it any wonder why Doug Collins is broadcasting today and not coaching anymore?

Turning it over to SJF for the second quarter. Tater would blog, but he's too busy watching G4.

Quarter 4: Tater wimps out of doing the whole game

AK got his 5th foul by breathing heavily on Andris Biedritch.

Stephen Jackson has been incredible in this game. The night the Warriors get eliminated from the playoffs he may honestly commit a homicide. Let's just say I wouldn't recommend being a groupie at the Warriors team hotel that night.

I'm trying to figure out what Al Harrington's neck tattoo says. As far as I can tell he just got a tattoo designed to make his neck look it's permanently dirty. I'm sure his mother loves that.

Boozer just had a ridiculous block on Al Harrington when his back was turned. Doug Collins referred to it as "Boozer takes him backdoor." Boozer's lawyer calling press conference to deny allegations.

Fisher stares at Baron Davis' eyes with lust in his heart.

Dee Brown just had the single best expression I've ever seen from a man in a suit looking at the action on the floor with no chance of coming in the game. In short, it can be summed up as "No one's gonna piss test me after the game, so I got RIDICULOUSLY high before coming out for the 4th quarter."

In fairness, the Jazz just pissed away a 4 point lead in 30 seconds. I wish I was stoned too.

Collins is clearly going on a trip down memory lane from his last trip to Thailand. Describes Harpring as "playing down low."

Lady Kicky just kissed me out of appreciation of my dirty mind. I feel like you should know that someone appreciates me on Mother's Day.

This reminds me, Lady Kicky and I are stunned that tater didn't mention Boozer's ridiculous "I love you Mom!" interview at half time. The last time I saw that much love on his face he was talking about Charles Barkley.

I'm convinced the more ads I see for "Shrek the Third" the worse the movie is going to be.

In a world in which the armed forces are having problems attracting recruits, somehow the Marines description of themselves as "the few" doesn't seem so exclusive anymore. More like "please God we don't have enough people!"

They just had a Derek Fisher career highlights reel. It was 80% commentary and post-shot reactions to his two big moments in his career.

Lady Kicky thinks AK has a "*beeped*-up nose." I'd hate to hear what she has to say about Don Nelson.

Okur just hit a three, which led to an incredible fan reaction from someone in a "We Believe" shirt. It can only be described as the face you make about 30 seconds after your proctologist puts on the rubber gloves.

This just in: Golden State is missing lots of critical free throws in crunch time. I'm sure this has never hurt them before.

For some reason the Golden State fans don't cheer when the Jazz play fast and hit lots of threes.

Andrei Kirilenko just threw an alley-oop pass. Somewhere out there Mark Jackson is taking credit for this.

Have you ever met anyone who actually LIKED Sprites "Sub-lymonal advertising" campaign? It makes the Geico caveman commercials look downright coherent and clever.

AK's alley-oop pass was just given the "Lamisil performanceof the night." It wasn't just a good pass, it cured disease!

Fisher is actually playing well. In related news up is now down, left is now right, and Ann Coulter just endorsed Al Sharpton for president.

Doug Collins just made approximately the 121.5th reference to Fisher playing with a heavy heart.

I love that Coors light is attempting to shed its "Discount beer" image by getting athlete sponsors in non-major sports. God knows aging track and field athletes from the 90s and the World's Strongest Man Winner from 2001 really inspire that 18-35 demographic. OOOPS I mean 21-35 demographic, Coors would never try to sell to under-age drinkers.

Moses took Sig's hockey analogies too literally and attempted to check Fisher into the boards. The refs looked the other way.

Okur let Jackson get an easy 2 rather than have him shoot the three. I've seen turnstiles do a better job at stopping people.

Stephen Jackson dives out of bounds. I think he heard police sirens.

Al Harrington grabs Okur by the elbow and spins him around. As far as can tell the refs called the "Do-si-do" violation.

Although the referring has been horrible in this series (against both sides) the primary difference has been that the Warriors complain everytime the refs put the blindfolds on, while the Jazz just giggle.

Jason Richardson is trying out for the WWE: clotheslines Okur. This only confirms my "someone will die the night the Warriors get eliminated from the playoffs" theory.

With roughly a minute to go the Golden State fans show how much they believe by streaming out of the arena en masse.

The Jazz win to take 3-1 series lead. Which leads us to the things I've learned from this game:

#1. The media-friendly "run and gun" style of play the Warriors are famous for has lots of emphasis on the "gun" portion. Apparently when they get a little rattled Baron Davis throws elbows at the ear of his defender and Jason Richardson will play defense via the elbow to the throat. Funny how THAT won't make Sportscenter tonight.

#2. Pam Oliver asks amazingly tough questions in the post game interviews like "How was that for you?" Stellar journalism.

#3. Apparently Derek Fisher has had some sort of personal trouble lately. I have no idea why I didn't know about this before. The media should cover this. We need to know.

#4. Harpring sucks.

2nd Quarter: I Want to Drink From Don Nelson's Hip-flask

I'd like it to be duly noted that I style myself "Madame Kicky" for the stated reason that I love the red lipstick, Belle Watling-style sleaze of the name. It's a nice change for a relatively mousy-looking law school student. An entire secret life opens before me. Hence, I reject the Sir's attempt to domesticate me with the tame "Lady Kicky." Madame I was christened and Madame I remain.

So, I tried to talk Kicky into modelling his new haircut after my darling Andrei. Alas, he burbled on about "interviews" and some other kind of justifications, but I stopped listening because no possible explanation could justify refraining from the semi-hawk.

Also, I was almost outraged enough to throw Kicky out of the house when he reveaed that at some point this year he declared AK "dead to him." He then became dead to me. He is as a zombie now, in terms of his standing in my affections.

Moses has God on his side. Quick, Fisher, start pointing skyward! We need the points! I think God will tune out Fisher for the sake of Moses though. Moses has the same angsty eyebrow motion that Jesus has in illustrated children's bibles.

Kicky is listening to the sportscaster and points out that Hubie Brown has been speaking in second person for like two minutes.

Harpring football mention! "An outstanding quarterback!" and illustrated graphic with, I might add, mention of the exact score histories of his family. It's been several minutes and they haven't linked his football performance to great skill in BASKETBALL. Telling.

Sir Kicky is rescuing everyone from my sports ignorance. Adieu, dear reader.

Moses fell over. Lady Kicky is theorizing the sweat print is analogous to the print left in blood on Jesus' death shroud. The ballboy that mops that thing up is going straight to heaven!

I'm convinced that when Matt Barnes dies they should skin him before burying him. In the future, his tattoo patterns will be analyzed with the same fervor our archeologists give Stonehenge today.

They're letting us all know that Dirk Nowitzki was the MVP this season. Seems a bit cruel to announce this during the Warriors game doesn't it? Why not just stamp "failure" on his forehead while you're at it?

Lady Kicky keeps looking at AK and eyeing my head. I'm worried if I fall asleep around her I may wake up with a shaved head.

ESPN is attempting to counter the Derek Fisher karma by running a long puff piece on Baron Davis' grandmother. She apparently wants him to shave his Moses beard. He still has it. In related news, we can tell how much he loves her.

Golden State is currently on pace to shoot 51 3-pointers in this game. Trying their damndest to avoid the free throw line this time around.

Stephen Jackson is checking back in the game. The camera zoomed in on him while he was tucking his shirt in. He gave the camera man a murderous grin like he was mad at him for playing peeping Tom or something.

Utah has 14 turnovers so far this half. Charles Barkley has eaten an equivalent number of apple turnovers in the same period of time.

Do you think Charles just has an expense account at Krispy Kreme at this point?

Lady Kicky points out that it might not be a coincidence that the camera focused on Harpring while Hubie Brown went on a long explanatory statement beginning with "Basic basketball demands that you...." We're betting they re-run the football graphic when they come back from commercial.

Matt Harpring committed a moronic foul by practically tackling his man on defense. His angry inch is showing.

ESPN ran a number of pictures of a young Don Nelson. Lady Kicky described these as "Don Nelson when he was cute." I knew her being attracted to me was a little ridiculous but now I'm realizing how low her standards are.

Supposedly Boozer is on the floor, but I've yet to see evidence of his existence.

Golden State winning by 11 and dunking at will. At this rate Ronnie Brewer may see some non-emergency playing time.

Hubie Brown just delievered a paternal pat on the head to Andris Biedrins by speaking fondly of him by saying "he's growing up!" I suspect he's smoking a pipe and wiping a tear away from his eye right now. During time-outs he proably is asking what Wally and the Beav are up to.

Lady Kicky just figured out that the announcers weren't being dirty when they talked about the Warriors double-teaming Boozer. I'm so proud.

I'm thinking it's time to have Haffa throw a chair on the court and see if he can start a riot or something. I'm betting the Golden State crew is far more likely to go nuts and get suspended for the rest of the series.

Ronnie Brewer is in the game! Of course he missed a free throw so Sloan is likely to use that as an excuse to cut his playing time in the Rocky Mountain Revue next season.

Hubie shows why he won Coach of the Year a few seasons back by giving us the deep analysis of "Boozer has to get involved." Thanks Hubie. That really was insightful.

Lady Kicky is hypothesizing that Boozer only plays well when the games are on TNT because he's trying to impress Charles Barkley. This, combined with her earlier revelation about the word "double-team" really makes me wonder if we're watching the same game.

Golden State is currently shooting a higher percentage on 3 pointers than they are on 2 pointers. Jerry Sloan may have to re-evaluate his "pack the lane" philosophy.

This second quarter reminds of that episode of Saved by the Bell were Kelly Kapowski goes on a date with 4 football players at once. Zach Morris (in this case, jazz fans) had such high hopes for their chances to score with the hot chick (win the game), but there's just too many sketchy looking dudes ready to date rape her at the drop of a hat. Also, Harpring sucks.

I'm passing the torch to YB. Although given his chat room commentary he may start the 3rd quarter late because he's going to have to deal with cleaning up his own vomit first.

First Quarter: Missing Charles Barkley already.

10 minutes to tip-off and Lady Kicky and I have a few things to share with you.

First: This picture made Lady Kicky giggle for 2 solid minutes:




Second: The official over/under on number of times the Derek Fisher "drama" is mentioned during the game and half time show is officially at 165 and 1/2.

Third: We were as upset as everyone else to find out that some Jazz Fans called Stephen Jackson a terrible six letter word, a word that will live in infamy and that no one should ever suffer the injustice of being labeled with its perfidious stigma. On behalf of all Jazz Fans everywhere: Stephen, we're sorry we called you a MORMON.

I forgot that the upside to having the game broadcast on ESPN instead of TNT is that we get Stephen A. Smith doing Stephen A Smith things (I can't wait until he yells about something, oh wait that's the only volume he uses) and Jamal Mashburn displaying his David Letterman-esque tooth gap.

Speaking of upside, Hubie Brown is broadcasting from Oakland. He might be the only person more high on Ronnie Brewer than SJF. Oh wait...he feels that way about all players under the age of 25.

Derek Fisher is currently being interviewed on the sideline. The game hasn't even started yet and the Derek Fisher mention count is already at 4. Lady Kicky is getting out a pad of paper to keep track of mentions.

Derek Fisher misses his first shot of the game. Blames it on eye cancer. (I had to get it out once in this blog).

Seriously, I'm blogging with a heavy heart tonight.

Deron Williams gets a foul in the first minute again. Apparently he liked watching AK play point guard the other night too.

Lady Kicky is worried that Al Harrington has co-opted the Derek Fisher "point to the sky" motion after hitting a shot. She's blissfully unaware teams have been crediting God for their wins for decades. Interestingly they never make the arg, God punished the other team by making them lose for being heathens.

Apparently there's something in the water in Oakland that makes everyone want to shoot 3 pointers. Given that Stephen Jackson lives there it might be blood.

Lady Kicky wants to know if it's inconsistent to point to the sky to thank God for your play and simultaneously foul a man that looks like Moses.

ESPN has some meter in the corner of the screen. I can't tell if it's measuring the noise level or Don Nelson's BAC.

Lady Kicky is glad to know that 20,000 Oakland fans believe in the Comcast corporation.

The entire crowd dressing in gold seems too monochromatic for the bay area. How gauche.

AK made a basket a moment ago. Lady Kicky nearly fainted from heart palpitations.

AK is playing point guard again! This is making me far more excited than it should.

Harpring shoots on his first offensive play down the floor. No one is stunned.

Stephen Jackson mugs AK, runs off with Masha's free pass.

Stephen Jackson with three personal fouls in the first 8 minutes and an undisclosed number of party fouls in the Bay Area last night.

Lady Kicky believes that Monta Ellis has an invisible accent over the "a" in his name because Hubie Brown keeps calling him "Mon-tay." She really wants to see Barkley try and say his name on TNT's "How you say that?!" game.

Harpring shoots an airball. To be fair, you don't hit the rim in football either.

I, Madam Kicky, have something to say about pregnancy: It's not funny. It's not funny at all. I find The Hiv, genocide, autism, necrophilia, bestiality, and eye cancer incredibly humourous but folks, you just can't joke about some things, and the failure of birth control is just tasteless humour. Refrain, please. Be classy.

Wow, she sees one ad for the film "Knocked Up" and threatens to throw something at the television. I'm half tempted to take her to the movie just to see how much property damage she can cause.

Hubie Brown is making the argument that Monta Ellis is as good as Chris Paul. As good at drinking pee maybe.

I'm convinced if Kirilenko and Matt Barnes' haircuts collided a fusion of awesome so massive would occur that the world might never recover.

AK suddenly started hitting jump shots. KOC is wondering if he's tradable now this summer or if the fan base would crucify him on the basis of the last 4 games.

Hubie Brown is talking about Paul Millsap's ability to "jump out at you." The last time someone that looked that old was talking about things jumping at me I was watching "Tales from the Crypt."

Turning over to Lady Kicky to start the 2nd.

Harpring and the Angry Inch

John Cameron Mitchell's "Hedwig and the Angry Inch" is the story about a gender-confused young woman who tours the country following her more famous associates around like a puppy while telling a story about her search for who she truly is. "Hedwig," you see, used to be a "Hansel." Unfortunately, in an effort to become fully female, Hansel underwent a botched sex-change operation that left her with a single inch of unusable flesh that constitutes "all she has to work with." This single inch that dooms Hedwig to being not quite male anymore but not female either constitutes the "angry inch" in her life that has driven the man she loves away and relegated her rock group (also titled "Hedwig and the Angry Inch") to playing in diners rather than packed arenas and relegating Hedwig to relative obscurity.

This immediately brings to mind the confused man in my life: Matt Harpring.

Throughout broadcasts of Utah Jazz games you will frequently hear announcers refer to Matt Harpring as being a "football player" who is merely playing the game of basketball. Stunningly this point gets brought up regardless of what network is airing the game leading me to believe that there is some sort of "Matt Harpring fun facts" folder that gets circulated amongst the television stations. Occasionally, networks will even run down a multi-generational list of Harpring's relatives who played football and close with the comment of "I can't believe this man ended up playing basketball in such a strong football family."

Believe me, we here at harpringsucks.com can't believe he's a basketball player either.

Interestingly, Harpring proudly invites this characterization as a football player masquerading as a basketball player. On Matt Harpring's officially website, the first fact he lists about himself on the "personal info" section after his full name is:

Comes from a long line of college football players: his grandfather Norb played for the Army (during WW II), his father Jack played at Michigan, his uncle Chip played at Notre Dame, while brothers John and Brian played at Akron and Northwestern, respectively Was a three-time selection to the GTE Academic All-District III team (1996-98)

The word basketball isn't mentioned until the 9th paragraph on the page.

Matt also provides pictures of himself playing quaterback in high school. I know what you're thinking, and I thought it too: "Quarterback! Doesn't that position involve passing?!" Don't worry, Matt assures us that his black hole tendencies were alive and well even during his formative football years. As Matt writes: "I liked to run as much as pass!"

While Matt clearly chose at some point to abandon his one true love in the form of football and pursue his basketball "talents," it's apparent from the way he plays that he's never truly become a basketball player. That angry inch still haunts him. Whenever there's a loose ball he seems to fall over suddenly as if he's expecting someone to tackle him. He runs directly at the hoop with his arm raised constantly calling for the ball like a hot-shot wide receiver going for the end zone; after all the only job of a wide receiver is to try and score and that's all Matt does. This also explains why Matt Harpring constantly slips screens: in football, setting a pick is illegal.

Matt truly must be as unhappy with this situation as we are. Just as Hedwig follows a former lover around the country playing her rock shows next to his, Matt plays basketball on the same court as his basketball playing teammates but is never really playing the same game as them. While they work as cogs in a larger machine trying to play defense and move the ball in complicated patterns towards the hoop, Harpring is stuck in his own mind as an offense only player operating as a wide receiver on a quest for the end zone. Even he has to know that something isn't right in the world and that somewhere along the way he lost himself to basketball.

Hedwig and the Angry Inch ends with a concert in which Hedwig violently rips her clothing and tears a glamorous wig from her head to reveal the base male that she truly is, exposing Hansel to a crowd of shocked onlookers. The movies final shot is of Hansel walking down an alleyway completely naked: having finally accepted himself for what he is and no longer needing to masquerade as someone else to hide the pain of his angry inch.

Matt, we here at harpringsucks feel your pain. Trust me, we've been feeling your pain for four seasons now. We know your true calling as a football player. You do too. The announcers tell everyone about it at least once a game. Feel free to shed your Hedwig and let the real Matt Harpring come out, the women love your chiseled football body and you should feel free to let us all see that angry angry inch for what it truly is.

Live Blog 2: Die Harder!!!

I'm confused by this rogaine foam commercial that featured a man flossing his teeth. Apparently he wants to grow hair in his mouth.

Clyde Drexler giving a seductive gaze onto the court while calling the game for the local Rockets station.

Elvin Hayes was just shown. I swear to god he could be related to Joe Dumars.

Hakeem Olajuwon is in the house, and wearing a garish yellow shirt. He really looks like a 7' tall banana.

Collins thought about taking a shot for at least 10 seconds from 19 feet out. Thought better of it.

Man-sap just fell over right on his stomach and groaned loudly. That could only have been funnier if he had gigantic red shoes and a nose that honks when pressed.

Juwan Howard seems to be stuck in perma "mouth open scowl" mode when he's playing. I think he's auditioning for a nasal strip sponsorship by breathing out of his mouth at all times to establish his "before treatment" credibility.

AK just posted someone up. They fell over when defending him. I can only imagine they slipped on some strategically placed tears.

McGrady cements his playoff reputation by missing a wide-open three. Regrets the "it's all on me" comments prior to the series beginning.

Time out is called. Harpring shoots anyway.

A moment of silence was given for Stockton's momentous shot. I feel like I've gone to my Happy Gilmore-esque Happy Place for a few moments.

Harpring's on the floor. Shooter McGavin is now kissing Grandma.

Jazz up 40-24. Dee Brown and Arujao are starting to get ready to play the 4th quarter.

Van Gundy attempts to stop Deron Williams by bringing in Rafer Alston. Apprently he had his memory of the first 6 games deleted Total Recall style.

McGrady limping around with an ankle "injury." Establishing alibi for post-game press conference.

TNT resorting to running "The Closer" promos in the bottom left corner during the game. My interest level is still somehow not increased.

I just want to take the time to point out I'm watching the game on pirated cable right now. Even if we lose, I think I can claim a moral victory.

Lady Kicky has pointed out I'm also posting using pirated internet. I don't even think I have to shower anymore to feel good about myself and my theft ethic.

The announcing team is pointing out the Jazz always take on "Sloan's personality." That explains the sudden proliferation of John Deere tractors in Istanbul and Moscow.

Harpring gives a vacant-eyed stare from the bench. I can't tell if he's sad at his own ineffectiveness or if he just has a stubborn gas bubble.

McGrady is in full pout mode. Kerr claims it's because his team is getting outhustled. He's apparently unaware that Harpring is on the bench right now.

The Rockets are hitting three pointers to get themselves back in the game. This is totally stunning. All this time I thought Sloan made it a priority to guard the perimeter.



Craig Sager vaguely reminds me of Harvard's debate coach. They both share Liberace's fashion sense and sport a creepy "pedo-smile."

Boozer is reportedly furious; making his face even redder than normal.

Alston came scary close on the last shot of the game.

Utah leading at the half for the 7th time in a row. We all know that's made a difference the last 3 games in Houston.

Sager refers to Boozer as having "unleashed a dunking explosion." Then talks about the powder blue uniforms. Somehow aggressive play and powder blue seem inconsistent. Not surprising Sags likes the color though.

Turning it over to Tater for the second half. Assuming of course he can pry himself away from Frida on the Independant Film Channel.

Live Blog Game 7 Quarter 1: Prelude to cleaning out our lockers

First a housekeeping issue: Apparently some have taken issue with my female counterpart being given the moniker "Madame Kicky" on the basis that it is too salacious. The former-Madame Kicky herself suggested "Mistress Kicky." While this was my personal favorite (for obvious reasons) it doesn't solve the salaciousness problem (also for obvious reasons). While some of our older readers have suggested "Dame Kicky," the ex-Madame Kicky doesn't like that name because it makes her sound old, fat, and like a dragon lady. A compromise has been reached with Lady Kicky. She's taken to the name by dressing like she's going to a rennaisance fair today. This only makes me wish we had chosen Mistress Kicky more.

They just showed an NBA Cares commercial featuring Bruce Bowen in some sort of African ceremony hopping around with a Zebra skin on. I think I'd rather watch a reality show where NBA players had to live with African Tribes for a week than watch the game. Can you imagine Gilbert Arenas living in back-water Mozambique? I think he'd probably end up figuring out how to kill wildebeests with his head by the end of the week and give post-show press conferences about how the wild disrespected him. Also, he could tell the natives about colon cleanser. The infomercials make it sound so good.

Barkley gives the classic analysis that Utah may attempt to guard McGrady in this game. Sloan vehemently disagrees and starts Derek Fisher.

During the player introductions, Boozer popped his jersey, pointed at his number, and gave the biggest shit-eating grin I've ever seen. I'm vaguely stunned he doesn't have hundreds of illegitimate children in the Salt Lake City area.

The refs have already started calling 3-seconds against the Jazz. We'll see if it gets called the same way for Yao.

Light Blue uniforms do not bode well. We look like pretty flowers ready to get stomped on by gigantic mongoloid looking centers with giant heads.

Apparently it was Boozer's idea to change uniforms. I'm shocked they're not on the floor in uniforms spotted with tons of red blots.

Capt. Sig going nuts as the Rocket's PA guy plays Gwen Stefani and Akon on the rocket's offensive possession.

Lady Kicky hypothesizing that AK looks like a preying mantis. Claims that's a complement because "Manti aren't as creepy as other bugs."

McGrady goes for the fadeaway shot on Fisher. Apparently concerned he's going to block his shot despite the height difference.

Southwest airlines commercials stunningly fail to mention lack of seating policies lead to sitting between stiflingly fat people on a regular basis.

Sager rocking the lavender shirt with lavender and black tie and vertical stripe suit. I'm disappointed in his relative good taste this time out.

Yao linking arms with Okur on the offensive end. Apparently confused and thinks he's at a square dance.

With Okur all dressed in blue he vaguely reminds me of Snorlax. And I know I just lost everyone over 25 with that one.

I think Yao just got outwrestled by Fisher for a basketball. Yao's wrestling consisted of making a fort over Fisher while Fisher flailed his legs. Highly entertaining.

Harpring just checked in for AK. I think you all know this website's feelings on that subject.

Number of ads I've seen for the Closer in the last 2 weeks: 1,543,538

Number of episodes I've seen of the Closer: 0

About 4 players and a ref just fell on the floor scrambling for a ball. Glad to see the Commish's agents getting more involved.

Close-up on Jerry Sloan. I think I just learned new curse words.

McGrady called for travelling. Reacts like someone shot his mom. Apparently he's unaware they changed the rules so you can't take 4 steps at a time anymore.

Apparently the referee symbol for hooking is to stick out your hip and pat yourself on the ass. Glad to see the referee symbol guide was authored by the Saturday Night Fever choreographing crew.

Giricek hits a 3 and then stuffs McGrady at the other end to prevent him from taking the final shot of the period. I sure feel great about starting Derek Fisher now.

Live Blog and the Chamber of Secrets

TNT showing the 25th in the series of Geico "caveman commercials." I've decided those commercials could be used as a universal IQ test. If you laugh, you're sent back to the remedial grades.

Tracy McGrady has been diagnosed with a "hip pointer." He's back in the game now. Basically I just heard the announcers say "McGrady faked it."

Fun Fact: Ecdysiastic is the latin word for pole dancing.

Fisher just pivoted with the ball for roughly 15 seconds before passing the ball. That was productive. Lord knows moving your left foot back and forth might make your defender fall over. Oh wait, Harpring is on our team.

Fratello reports that Jerry Sloan told him "Harpring knows how to get his points in our offense." Graciously cuts off the rest of the quote: "by sacrificing his teammates shots, playing selfishly, and always calling for the ball regardless of defensive coverage."

TNT runs a playoff promo featuring 50% images of D-Wade and Shaq. OOPS!

Giricek hits another 3. Jerry Sloan plants his head firmly in the sand.

Mehmet Okur's 3 point percentage in this series is Shawn Bradley-esque.

Harpring passed. Isn't that precious!

Harpring slips on invisible banana peel.

Close-up on McGrady's "I'm in pain!" face. Funny how losing two games in a row leads to injury for T-Mac. Of course ESPN will still trumpet him as one of the greatest playoff performers ever despite his playoff series record still being 0-for-career.

12 combined turnovers already. Fratello is still describing the teams as playing "crisp fundamental basketball."

Fisher hits a three-pointer. TNT commentators talking about how great he is. This confirms my theory that Mike Fratello has been in cryogenic storage since 1999.

How many suits do you think Craig Sager owns? Do you think he tries to top his previous high in bad taste with every new purchase? What are the odds it's all an elaborate joke and he just has one blue suit and the producers blue-screen horrific colors and patterns on him without his knowledge every game? These are the things I need the New York Times to cover.

TNT shows a "Hertz around the league" graphic. I'm very disappointed this isn't an injury update.

Current injury report: Tracy McGrady - wounded pride.

Juwan Howard suddenly outperforming all expectations that were set from the last several games. Documented receipts from Floyd Landis' pharmacist ordered shredded by Jeff Van Gundy.

Mehmet Okur hits a dagger three. Celebrates by planning first shower this month.

Tracy McGrady already has 9 assists. Funny how it's easier to get those when your teammates start hitting shots.

Kirilenko takes a shot. I think it missed but Masha just thinks it needs an interpreter.

McGrady misses poorly. Fratello defends it by saying "that was not a shot!" I couldn't agree more.

Craig Sager's tie just got him indicted at the Hague.

I'd tell you what Tracy McGrady's arm tattoo says, but I decided it would take less time to read "War and Peace"

Passing the torch on to Bordy for the 3rd quarter. Madame Kicky is ready to gnaw my arm off if I don't go buy food right now.

Live Blog and the Sorcerer's Stone

Prior to this game the TNT studio crew are busy talking about a far more interesting series: Cleveland v. Washington. This despite the fact that Barkley talked about that he doesn't like series that end in sweeps

Jeff Van Gundy just gave commentary about something involving coaching. I'd tell you what he said but I was too fascinated by his appearance. He looked like a recovering methadone addict on a 48 hour crack binge.

Boozer's acne level is at Purplish red.

Mike Fratello comments that Harpring has been playing "above his head" in this series. Not hard to do when your head is normally at floor level from falling over so much.

Battier misses a three. Hot Dog juice spills everywhere.

Tracy McGrady drives right past Derek Fisher to get to the rim, but gets an MLA after getting a contact high from Fisher the last couple game and absorbing his MLA-Superpowers.

Boozer tries to shoot through Yao's arms. Shocked to discover the Chinaman isn't intangible or building a railroad through the American West.

Fisher hacks Yao Ming and raises his hand to signal he fouled him. You know, in case the officials confuse him for that other black guy from Utah.

Kirilenko grabbing several early rebounds. Harpring scrambling madly for his Russian voodoo doll.

Fisher attempts to charge through three Rockets. Falls over instead. On the positive side that allows him to blow his coverage on the other end and let McGrady score an easy three.

Fisher picks up a charging foul and spills Hot Dog Juice all over the floor in the process.

Just showed a Toyota commercial where a Tacoma survives a mauling by a monster truck. Too Bad. I was rooting for the monster truck. Anything that looks like a dinosaur and eats metal vaguely reminds me of mom.

Madame Kicky is bitching to one of her friends about the evils of diet pills. My favorite blast: "We'll see if it works....when you're dead!"

New Favorite when the phone call was ending: "Goodbye...perhaps forever!"

Kirilenko gts a crazy block against Yao. The struggle for the ball was reminiscient of Mongolia stuck between the Russians and the Chinese.

Gordan Giricek hits an open three. Imagine if that guy was our starting shooting guard!

Fratello praising the value of the deflections statistic. Matt Harpring leads the league in dribbling off his foot in traffic, but no mention is made if that counts towards deflections or not.

Mutombo makes the "Harpring deflection" out of bounds. Fratello's giving him a hustle point.

I love that Deron Williams has some variation of his name tattooed on each arm. You know...in case he forgets.

TNT showing highlights from game 3 and 4 and have somehow made the film look old even though it was only a few days ago. I was half expecting George Mikan to throw down a dunk in that grainy footage.

McGrady drives to the hoop at will. Someday he may figure out that no one can stop him when he does that.

TNT switches to some bizarre camera angle that can only be described as "viewpoint of a drunk guy in Section 321."

Holy crap, this game is actually looking like both teams may score 90+ points.

Tracy McGrady's back is sore. John Amaechi unavailable for comment.

Harpring dribbles off his knee brace and commits a turnover. In fairness, the brace is roughly the size of a large baby. Good thing we have the brace signed for 3 more seasons after this one.

On This Day, We All Cry With Kirilenko

Harpringsucks.com welcomes special guest writer "ddd" of retiresloan.com fame for this contribution. Check out his site for sequels in this series and for other inspirational thoughts.

In evaluating a basketball player’s effectiveness, there is one key element sports journalists get wrong more than anything else. A cultural obsession with statistics makes analysts lose sight of what’s most important. All they have to do is answer this question: How does the team play when player X is on the court?

Do they tend to stay focused? Do they make silly mistakes? Or, even more simply, does their team score more points than the opposing team when player X is on the court? When Andrei Kirilenko is on the court for the Jazz, the answers are: Yes. No. Yes.

The Jazz’s mysterious 8-12 limp to the finish coincided with Sloan’s mid-March preference to finish games with Harpring at the expense of AK. After the midway point of the third quarter, Andrei would disappear never to be seen again.[i] The result? A team previously known for composure down the stretch was instantly transformed into a team that collapsed in the fourth quarter. Coincidence? Hardly.[ii]

When I first heard of the HarpringSucks blog, my thoughts were probably pretty similar to most Jazz fans. “Wait, Matt’s okay. What are they talking about?” I never really had a lot of affection for Harpring, but I thought of him as a good sixth man who plays hard, scores in bunches, and gives the team some toughness that offsets his complete inability to stay in front of his man on defense.

Earlier this year, some Scottish filmmakers released a documentary about French soccer legend Zinedine Zidane where 17 cameras track him for an entire match against Villa Real. It’s amazing what you notice once you are trained in on Zidane, and Zidane alone. The ball appears to be simply an extended appendage of his body. His skill is like nothing the world’s most popular sport has ever seen. Nobody takes the ball from Zidane, unless Zidane is ready to give up the ball. Nobody.

Harpring is the exact opposite. I dare you to play the role of the Scottish filmmaker and focus on Matt for an entire game. What you will see is a turnover machine. He can’t pass the ball. I mean at all. When was the last time Harpring threw a pass where you said, “Wow, I can’t believe he saw that.” Whereas, with AK almost every game he throws at least one pass where you say to yourself, “I can’t believe he saw, much less threw, that pass.” The only passes Harpring makes that inspire awe are those that go directly into the hands of the other team.

Broadcasters love to mention the media guide garbage about Harpring’s family background in football. “How tough is Matt Harpring? I mean he goes about two-thirty, but that doesn’t even tell ya…Wow…I mean, he and Fish are solid.” Bolerjack will repeat some variation of this at least three times a game.

Not once, have I heard anyone make the most obvious comparison available—Harpring is a perpetual fumbler. The ball squirts out of his hands more than any one not-named Greg Ostertag. Except, Sloan rarely had Ostertag on the court when the game was on the line. Not the case with Matt.

Harpring also routinely has many turnovers that will never appear in the stat sheet. The guy commits at least two to three stupid completely unnecessary fouls each game. Most of these occur, but are not limited to, the offensive end. Harpring is like one of the metal centurion cylons out of Battlestar Gallatica, except instead of a complicated base ship to give him orders, he has tractor-loving puritan Sloan.

The Matt Harpring cylon is programmed to run specific routes on the court. If someone gets in its way, it does not abort the mission, but continues with the route. Toughness. TOUGHNESS will prevail over all! This is the only form of analysis provided to the Harp-bot.

Inevitably at some point in every game, Harpring will be trying to post up, screen, or move through the lane and he will thrust his hip or shoulder into an opposing player causing them to fly to the hardwood. Guess what? There aren’t first-downs in this game, you can’t do that. The ref immediately blows his whistle. Harpring will then turn, making a face of complete incredulity like an eight-year-old who was told he could not ride the roller coaster because he didn’t meet the 45 inch height requirement. “Sorry son, I just can’t let you out there. This is for your own good.” If Sloan were the brilliant coach every one treats him to be, this is precisely what he’d say to Harpring.

Instead, he is Jerry’s favorite student. "Little Jerry," they call him. How cute. How appropriate. How disgusting. I will now hang myself from the kitsch Energy Solutions signage. It’s Electrifying!
________________________________________

[i] On April 7, Andrei was injured and missed all but the final two games of the regular season. However, at that point Sloan had already made his preference for Harpring clearly known.

[ii] Many people will point out that AK was injured midway through the 12-1. However, AK’s minutes were not redistributed primarily to Harpring, but Millsap. Paul's presence also results in favorable answers to the key effectiveness questions.

SL Media in Playoffs Mode

Matt Harpring, Playoffs Warrior:

"Once the ball gets thrown up, it becomes basketball again," forward Matt Harpring said. "You know, these guys have played in a lot of games, and we've played in a lot of tough games. So I just don't think that's going to be that big of an issue."
He should know.
In Harpring's first playoff game as a rookie for Orlando, he was assigned to guard Philadelphia's Allen Iverson. That worked out so well the Sixers later traded for Harpring, helping cement his reputation as a tough player perfectly built for the crucible of the playoffs.
But will the Jazz have anybody shine the same way?

That first game against Orlando, Iverson scored 30 points with 5 rebounds and 7 assists.

In fact, AI in the Magic/Sixers series:

FG%: 44.4
PPG: 28.25
RPG: 3.75
APG: 6
SPG: 4 (including 10 in Game Three)

AI in the 1998/1999 season:

FG%: 41.2
PPG: 22.0
RPG: 4.9
APG: 4.6
SPG: 2.3

So AI scored 6.25 more points per game on substantially better shooting while also passing and stealing the ball at a higher rate. To be fair, Harpring cut back on his rebounding.

It's rather sad when SLMedia is actually rewriting history to make their favorite players look better. Judging from the stats, I would think Orlando traded Harp to Philly to try and get someone that could guard.

Post Hoc, Ergo Propter Hoc

Well, the Jazz won last night, but the Harpring start was a pretty big failure. He hit 5/14 shots (and that was only after going 2/3 after the game was pretty well in the bag), played his usual abysmal defense, and generally was Matt Harpring. Glad to see that the Jazz can go ahead and get past the experiment before the playoffs.

Oh, wait, Harpring was awesome.

DALLAS - Matt Harpring did not manage another season scoring-high when the Jazz beat the Dallas Mavericks 104-89 at the American Airlines Center on Friday night.
But he did make a big difference.

Already analyzing Harpring's game in terms of the last. "Wow, he scored 31 points, he's going to be great when he starts!" I fully expect his next 3/11 shooting night to be greeted with, "He didn't pull down 19 rebounds like he did against Orlando in 2003, but he might have been just as effective regardless."

Harpring entered the starting lineup for the first time all season to help the Jazz combat All-Star Josh Howard and avoid another sluggish start, and it worked. Though Harpring made just five of 14 shots on his way to 14 points, he held Howard to 12 points and fueled a fast start that the Jazz never relinquished.

Oh, so his importance was in setting the tone, eh?

First quarter:

(11:30): Harpring gets the ball in the post, tries to go up for a layup surrounded by three players, feebly passing it back when he realizes even he can't figure out a way to get a shot up. Scowls.

(10:50): Howard gets the rebound off a Fisher MLA. Howard gets the rebound at the free throw line. Harpring looks at him in puzzlement as he decides to run the ball downcourt. Harpring shuffles quietly behind him. He drives to the rim and is fouled shooting the ball. Harpring scowls at the help defense. Howard, however, is intimidated by Harpring's presence during the free throws and misses both.

(10:13): Harp makes a nice layup off a cut to the basket. Ah, HERE is the tone-setting.

(9:53): No, wait. Harpring takes the ball downcourt (!) and Boozer screens the defenders under the basket. Harpring, seeing his opportunity, drives and misses a point-blank MLA. But the thought sure set the tone.

(9:39): Josh Howard gets the ball at the three-point line. Harpring stares at him intensely, ready to defend. Howard blows by with next to no effort for an easy layup. Harpring stares at him intensely, ready to defend.

(9:10): Harpring, still thinking about the last play, watches Howard with a look of contemplation as he blows by again, only to short-arm an open layup. Harpring feels there was something he was supposed to do on that play, he just can't think of what.

(8:03): Harpring goes out to help on a screen and somehow ends up on the standing five feet beyond the three-point line with no opponent near him. Howard gets the ball and drives to the basket, hitting another chippy with minimal defense. At this point, Howard has had two free throws, two easy baskets, and a blown open layup in four minutes.

(5:36): A bit of space between Harp updates, but he that's because he didn't do anything in that time. For some odd reason, Sloan switches Fisher to Howard and Harpring to George. George quickly realizes his opportunity and knocks down an open jumper as Harpring flies by, making a Defense Gesture.

(4:00): Harp suddenly realizes he hasn't shot the ball in a while and shoots an ugly three with 16 seconds on the shot clock. He clanks it off the rim and into said shot clock.

So, eight minutes into the game and Harp is 1/3, Josh Howard is 2/4 (a missed open jumper on Fisher accounts for the fourth) with 2FTA, and the Jazz lead 16-10. The only real visible difference between this game and the last to the casual fan is the inclusion of Harpring in the starting lineup. Unfortunately, beat writers shouldn't be casual fans.

"Matt a lot of times sets the tone by coming in and working hard on offense and being physical," teammate Derek Fisher said. "And we seemed to start the game that way and played the way, for the most part, the entire game."
Harpring said he was surprised that coach Jerry Sloan asked him at the pregame shootaround to start. "We played hard," he said. "No question about that."

First, to be nitpicky, that second paragraph doesn't make sense. The quote they used from Harpring doesn't work with the previous contextualizing sentence. Unless that's now his answer to frickin' everything.

Second, that is not the reason the Jazz won. Here are some valid reasons the Jazz won the game:

• If you take Harpring out of the equation, the Jazz shot a blistering 56.1%.
  
• Dallas didn't play Jason Terry (Jazz-killer), Jerry Stackhouse (Jazz-player-killer), and Erick Dampier (probably just a killer).
• Avery Johnson wasn't exactly treating the game as a playoff matchup. Jose Juan Barea (who?) played 24 minutes and shot 15 times.
• The Mavs missed 13 out of 18 3FGA, and trust me, it wasn't from shutdown defense.

NOT BECAUSE THEY FRICKIN' PLAYED HARD.

*sigh*

Salt Lake Media.

[Edit]Holy crap, it gets worse.

Hide your women and children

Over the last 100 years there have been a number of incredibly alarming front page newspaper headlines that have horrified and shocked all who came into contact with them: "Hindenberg Crashes", "JFK Assassinated", "Titanic Sinks", and "Barbaro dies." All of those catastrophes, however, are dwarfed by today's headline in the Salt Lake Tribune which should have been more appropriately titled "Holocaust: Part Deux." The offending headline: "Sloan may start Harpring."

It's official, the sextagenarian should start reading his AARP magazine and start applying for social security, he's officially making decisions that can only be chalked up to senility. Sadly, the Tribune seems to be buying the riduclous stream of pro-Harpring propaganda. Next week's headline is bound to be "Benito Moussilini was merely unloved as a child."

Matt Harpring said he would be surprised if it actually happened.

But with the Jazz mired in a five-game losing streak that threatens to ruin their promising season, coach Jerry Sloan said he and his assistant coaches have "talked about" moving Harpring into the starting lineup for the first time all year when the Jazz play the Dallas Mavericks tonight at the American Airlines Center.

"We'll just have to look and see," Sloan said. "See if that's better for us."

Probably couldn't be much worse.

It's official, the Utah Jazz have decided that they need to join the growing number of teams tanking for the #1 pick in the draft. Unfortunately for them, that strategy doesn't work when you've already secured a winning record.

The only possible rationale for making such a move would be the "Utah needs to win the championship this season, play the veteran major minutes."

Such thinking is impermissably flawed. The reality is the Jazz have essentially a zero probability of winning the championship this season. At best they might win a round in the playoffs and give Dallas a good fight in the second round. No reasonable basketball fan can expect better out of this team. As a result, it's important that we use whatever opportunities we have to develop the talent that will actually be useful in 2-4 years when the championship push can occur. Harpring, a 30 year-old guy with creaky knees, isn't that guy. The people he's taking minutes from (Brewer, Millsap) might be. The reality is with Harpring there's no upside left to explore, he's been declining for 4 straight seasons, and the current version isn't good enough to make a meaningful difference in a championship run.

Furthermore, the Jazz by simply winning the division have exceeded expectations, there's no need to make some sort of last minute push to appease the fan base or critics who were given almost no hope of winning 50 games on opening day. All tiring the guy out by playing him nearly 40 minutes a game will do is make him (even) less effective come playoff time.

The Jazz have lost six of seven games since clinching the NBA's Northwest Division championship two weeks ago, and trail the Houston Rockets by 1 1/2 games in the race for home-court advantage in the first round of the playoffs

Part of the reason is that they often have been overmatched at the small forward position, where rookie Ronnie Brewer has been starting in place of injured Andrei Kirilenko. And with the Jazz about to face two All-Star small forwards - the Mavs' Josh Howard tonight and Phoenix's Shawn Marion on Saturday - at a time when they desperately need a victory, taking a chance on Harpring might be worth the risk to the rhythm of the rotation.

To say Brewer has been overmatched while starting recently is frankly a little silly. In part because he hasn't gotten the chance. In the 3 games he's played the results (and playing time) have been all over the map.

The first game he shot 5-7 from the field, scored 12 points, grabbed 3 rebounds, got an assist and a steal and committed no fouls. All in 18 minutes of playing time. In contrast, Harpring (who's actually been shooting well lately, must be spending extra time in the lay-up line) went 4-6 for 10 points, also had 3 rebounds, 2 assists, 1 steal and 1 block in 30 minutes of playing time. He also accumulated 4 fouls in that time period. What I see is that the veteran leader who's hustling took nearly twice as long to achieve essentially the same production

The second game Brewer was rightly rewarded for a good game the night before and was given 33 minutes of playing time. Brewer went 7-9 from the field for 21 points, grabbed 4 rebounds, and stole the ball once. To be fair, he also had 3 turnovers. Harpring had 28 minutes and hustled extra-hard trying to preserve his spot in the rotation after a clear threat from Brewer the previous game. He responded with 6-10 shooting for 17 points, 8 rebounds, 1 steal, and 6 turnovers.

Despite having consecutive good games for a rookie, Harp must have given Brewer the stink-eye in practice because Sloan immediately pulled him after only 5 minutes in the next game and gave Harpring 37 minutes.

Taking Brewer out in favor of Harpring, even if it was important for the Jazz to win as much as possible right now, isn't abandoning a failed experiment. It's aborting the experiment before it even began.

It appears we may need a new edition of the IJSPD flow chart just for harpring related decisions. As of now, Sloan's perception of Harpring's competition for minutes appears to be completely disconnected with reality. Maybe Brewer needs to work on his "shuffle."

Harpring Still Sucks

"We're obviously not getting stops," Harpring said. "And we're not moving the ball on offense. It's a bad combination."

Sometimes the guy just doesn't give himself any credit. Sure, the Jazz have lost three straight to lottery teams, and yes the last two losses have been phenomenal late-game collapses, but should Matt really be this hard on himself and on the team?

Not getting stops: Matt Harpring single-handedly held Rashard Lewis in the back-court for almost the entire remaining five seconds of Saturday's contest. He also successfully denied Lewis entrance inside the three-point arc all game, forcing him to shoot ten three-pointers. On Friday, he helped his teammates stop their assigned players by forcing the Kings to run their offense through Salmons. Also, he stopped Giricek from talking to him on Saturday by simply ignoring him.

Not moving the ball on offense: Sure, we've often criticized Harpring for being a tad selfish. But let's be realistic here. Late in Saturday's game, Harpring passed up a shot from the left wing in order to pass it to an on-fire Fisher on the other side. The ball didn't make it that far, but it's the thought that counts. And what of "The Pass" earlier in the game that hit exactly -- and I mean precisely -- the spot where Boozer had been just two seconds earlier.

The team may not be getting stops and may not be running the offense very well, but let's not blame Harpring, please.