Hollinger, Jazzbots, and Stephen Jackson Oh My!

Levar Burton Jazzbots’ newest blogger: Johnathan Kendrick gives a stirring defense of the NBA’s long alleged penchant for fixing games by pointing out how if they’re doing it they’re really bad at it. I think “If we fix games, we’re doing it badly” should be next year’s NBA marketing campaign. Even better, he concludes his blog post with a blatant ploy for comments by ending with “That’s my opinion, what’s yours?” (By the way you can comment on this blog with the conveniently located link at the bottom of this post). I can only assume that Mr. Kendrick was a reading rainbow fan. But… don’t take my word for it. *Da Dah Da*

The fact that the supposed impetus for this article (the Tim Donaghy scandal) somehow implicates the NBA organizational heads in Mr. Kendrick’s mind, however, is somewhat inscrutable on its own merits. Interestingly, this same connection was made this week by jazzbots Annie Whittaker. Unless the FBI is alleging that David Stern is some sort of organized crime boss (an idea that I’m not wholly opposed to, if for no other reason than I like the idea of that room he goes into during the draft that no one ever sees being full of gangster’s molls, cocaine, and a perpetually looping track of that episode of the Sopranos where Furio takes a baseball bat to the Asian massage parlor) I don’t think there’s ever been any allegation that Stern had anything to do with Donaghy’s betting. Furthermore, the type of game-fixing contemplated in this blog post has to do with actually altering outcomes whereas most Donaghy discussion has centered around the idea that Donaghy was influencing the total number of points scored in order to affect total points so that bettors could win on the over/under bet.

What’s truly fascinating about the idea that an allegation against a lone NBA official that is completely extraneous to NBA actions would immediately bring to mind long-standing conspiracy theories involving the NBA’s interest in promoting team success for teams in large markets is that this is a pattern of association we don’t see in other major sports leagues. Baseball’s steroid scandal led to accusations that baseball was indifferent to the trend of performance enhancing drugs in the sport, but did not lead to allegations that the league office actually wanted specific teams to win. Football’s recent debacles with player conduct and resulting long-term suspensions of players has in no way been associated with a league interest in specific teams winning. Even the recent mini-scandal involving the NFL’s rush to destroy any possible evidence that the New England Patriots may have stolen opposition signs in the SuperBowl has not led to any allegations that the NFL has some vested interest in helping the Patriots win. In the NBA, a league where there is ongoing debate still about whether or not a draft lottery was fixed more than 20 years ago, such conduct would have instantly raised the idea of “conspiracy” in the minds of many NBA fans. All of this despite virtually no evidence that any conspiracy to fix games has ever originated from the league office. This tells us something about the NBA (or its fans), I just have no clue what.

Jesus kills space marines: The New York Times had an article this week about church youth groups encouraging attendance by encouraging their ministers in training to treat each other the way missionaries used to treat indigenous people: KILL THEM! Apparently, several youth ministers across the country have decided to make the church more commercial make the church more “relevant” by luring children in the door by promising to let them play Halo 3. As one 12 year old explains the game’s appeal: ““It’s just fun blowing people up.”

Interestingly children under 17 can’t purchase the game because it has been rated “M for mature audiences” by the Entertainment Software Ratings Board. You know who was at the forefront of pushing for game ratings so that parents wouldn’t find out their children were playing games with violence without fair warning? The same religious groups buying them en masse.

While intellectually inconsistent, I must say that it will probably be effective. I know I would have stayed a Boy Scout (my church’s Wednesday night youth group activity) for far longer had there been a “frag your friends” merit badge.

6th graders prove to make no better arguments than 4th graders: It turns out jazzbots actually has enlisted the aide of two elementary school classes. Ms. Karen Chatterton’s 6th grade class recently took up the question “should a professional athlete be paid millions of dollars?” Viewing the responses is even more fun if you picture this as CNN cross-fire with a bow-tie clad Tucker Carlson making points like “I personally think that some should because they work really hard to reach their goals.” (Tucker was clearly a Keon Clark fan).

Some highlights:

“Professional basketball players should be paid millions because they play basketball in front of a lot of people just like magicians.” (I had no idea magicians played basketball in front of a lot of people. I’d pay to watch Uri Gellar play Criss Angel in One-on-one though. Uri could bend the rim with his mind to make the hoop larger on his offensive possessions and Criss Angel would have an unstoppable levitation based offense. Payment for the game would, of course, be funded through the James Randi One Million Dollar Paranormal Challenge).

“No, they shouldn’t make millions of dollars because they get to play a sport they love playing. They also get to be famous. They should get hundreds, but not millions.” (This student is destined to manage a professional basketball team in Greece, where teams are infamous for repeatedly promising players that they will paid “next week.” Also, David Stern needs this kid to draw a hard line in the next collective bargaining session with the player’s union.)

A PR Move sure to be popular in Salt Lake City: Jazzbots blogger Cameron Hanson (who has not followed up on his attendance at University of Utah Homecoming, leading Harpring Sucks to believe that he went home and memorized Simpsons quotes alone….again) urges AK to be more like Dennis Rodman. If this leads to Carmen Electra sightings in the ESA and multi-colored mohawks I’m all for it.

Ooops: Alan Hinckley calls Magic Johnson “the triple double king.” I’d hate to be him when Oscar Robertson knocks on his door ready to deliver a beatdown.

Maybe we can kiss at mid-court afterwards: As part of the crack team of hard hitting journalists employed at jazzbots.com, an 11 year old says if she was coaching the team “[b]efore each game I would tell the team that it’s not all about winning. It’s about having fun with your friends.”

I’m thinking she also would have named Stephen Jackson captain this week, after all who has more fun with his friends than Stephen Jackson? Which brings us to our next Stephen Jackson related point:

STEPHEN JACKSON NAMED CAPTAIN?!: Harpring Sucks’ elite team of private investigators (think Veronica Mars but with a believable premise, threatening villains, and more convincing noir elements) has gotten a leaked copy of the presentation that got Stephen Jackson named Team Captain. The proposed Stephen Jackson team building activities:

#1. Stripclub gun-shot dance-off: Team members participate in a relay-race in which they must avoid oncoming automobiles in a strip club parking lot by dancing out of the way, shoot wildly into the air, all while balancing their stripper (Team one gets "Destiny," Team two gets "Coco") under their arm.

#2. Marijuana Sculptures: At the beginning of practice (or during a break) three joints will be placed at each teammate's place on the floor. Teammates will then be asked to create sculptures from their joints. In other words, they can do anything they want with them.

At the end of practice ask the team to select a winning pot sculpture.

Remember, a strong team is one that respects personal boundaries. As a result, don't ask if some of the materials for this activity happen to go missing and ignore all strange odors during the team-building exercise.

#3. Visit a gun-fire Range: For added fun, Mr. Jackson is bringing his own custom-made targets that look shockingly like the average NBA fan. Rumors that these targets are wearing Ben Wallace Pistons jerseys are thus far unconfirmed.

#4. Team Bubble-Bath!: Extra points awarded to the player who can make the best replica of Baron Davis' beard with bath bubbles.

#5. Tattoo informational meeting: Hosted by special guests Matt Barnes and local urban artist "Spyder Enigma." Teammates will be encouraged to get a team-themed tattoo. Early ideas include a heart with the word "Nellie" on the inside, a halo-ed Antoine Walker representing the patron saint of the worthless 3 point attempt, and a tight-fisted caricature of Chris Mullin.

Frankly, I would have named him team captain too.

One ball isn’t enough for this man: Matt Harpring’s newest Media Day photo:

Skills Practice Results: The eight year old Mueller daughter tells us “I like to play basketball because it’s fun to play. The funnest thing about it is shooting.” I think it’s safe to say she attended the Matt Harpring basketball camp this summer.

Bizarre Hollinger Predictions: With regards to his NBA record predictions, which we viciously lampooned last week for impliedly stating that the Western and Eastern conferences would be essentially equal in the upcoming season, John Hollinger is already calling audibles. In his most recent blog entry, Hollinger indicates that he believes that Sean May’s microfracture surgery means that the Bobcats will win 6 less games than they would have previously. However, Hollinger hasn’t indicated who will be the beneficiary of those six games. As amended, Hollinger has now produced the first set of record predictions to ever predict more total losses than total wins. Sort of embarrassing when he makes his reputation as ESPN’s resident stat guru. This is really the equivalent of finding out Barry Melrose’s mullet is a Joe Dirt style wig or Stephen A. Smith actually speaks like Sean Connery when he’s not on camera.

Not to be outdone, Hollinger released his individual player projections for the coming season. This led to a few truly bizarre results with respect to the Utah Jazz. Hollinger predicts that Jarron Collins will inexplicably improve this season (maybe refs will call more charges this season?), Deron Williams will regress, and pretty much every notable Jazz player will be worse than last year except for one: Andrei Kirilenko. Although the merits of the PER statistic have been debated ad nauseum in the past, it seems that the real action happens when one looks at Hollinger’s player projections in terms of their implications for which players are the best in the league. While most would probably agree that Deron Williams is at or near top-10 in the league status for his position, Hollinger’s PER metric indicates that he’s only a slightly above average player. In fact Hollinger ranks the top-10 point guards in the league as:

1. Chris Paul
2. Gilbert Arenas
3. Steve Nash
4. Tony Parker
5. Chauncey Billups
6. Baron Davis
7. T. J. Ford
8. Leandro Barbosa
9. Jason Kidd
10. Jose Calderon

Yes you read that list correctly and I’m sure you agree that the Raptors have an embarrassment of riches because they have two of the top 10 point guards in the NBA. Deron ranks at #12, between Devin Harris and Nate Robinson. Yes, seriously. Nate Robinson. The same Nate Robinson that would probably get his shot blocked by an oompa-loompa.

While Hollinger’s rankings for other positions (especially for big men) seem far more reasonable, his PER stat is plainly broken with regards to rating point guards. Of course Hollinger will tell you that PER is the equivalent of a basketball theory of everything, but looking at those results I think the only person who can agree are the agents for T.J. Ford, Leandro Barbosa, Nate Robinson, and Jose Calderon.

Most Accurate Statement Hollinger has ever made: Hollinger did get one thing right though. His report for Matt Harpring reads, in part:

Harpring underwent offseason knee surgery, which wouldn't be a big deal except for all the other offseason knee surgeries he's had. He's already at about the limit of acceptable foot speed for an NBA wing player, so if he loses anything on top of that, he'll be instant toast at the defensive end.

Think he’ll lose any more speed?: Linda Hamilton of the Deseret News wrote a small article that rivals jazzbots worst in terms of unreadibility but it revealed a small piece of news that was heretofore undisclosed (prepare for cringe-worthy syntax before continuing):

Matt Harpring has had difficulties with his knees and their surgeries — the latest one arthroscopically on his right knee in early August to clean out scar tissue.

He participated in only one practice a day during last week's two-a-days, and he's been held out of most contact work and is out for tonight's preseason opener for the Jazz against the Milwaukee Bucks at EnergySolutions Arena at 7.

But another reason Harpring's a little slow to come around is that he also had a previously unreported surgery on his left ankle around Labor Day to repair bone spurs.

Good thing we only owe him $18.5 million over the next three years. Good lord, that number is huge for Matt Harpring. I’m bypassing the usual albatross metaphor and going straight for calling his contract an “ostrich.”

In the effort to get in more cheap shots on someone trying their best (a Harpring Sucks speciality) we present the next sentence in the Linda Hamilton article:

“Speaking of ankles, C.J. Miles mildly sprained an ankle in Tuesday's practice but participated in Wednesday's shootaround and is expected to play tonight, as is Ukrainian rookie Kyrylo Fesenko, who on Tuesday was suffering from apparent food poisoning after dining on sushi.”
Those at risk of seizure or fits of rage shouldn’t try to read the whole article without clearing their immediate area of all sharp objects.

What about the children?: Fourth grade teacher Jackie Corbridge abandoned her students entirely for a blog entry this week. You know, in case you had doubts that she was doing this for her own personal gratification instead of as a class learning activity.

WTF?: Jazzbots blogger Cameron Hanson clearly reads Harpring Sucks and didn’t appreciate our lampooning of his datelessness last week. As he puts it:

“It is so much easier to be negative about subjects. Criticism has a certain flow unlike praise. It is much easier to seem educated when you are constantly pointing out how everyone else isn’t.”

Cameron’s blog post is both shallow and pedantic. Oh yeah, and it sucks. How you like them apples Cameron?

He also lets us know that AK playing well correlates with wins. Check in next week when Cameron reveals his next great discovery: “the team that scores the most points usually wins.”

She’s growing as a writer!: Laurie Nyland, our favorite jazzbots poster who previously would only begin blog posts with a definition of a word has changed her formula: this time she broke out the book of quotes and began with a quote about “expectations” from Samuel Johnson. She’s passed 7th grade writing and is now in 8th. Next month expect all her essays to mysteriously convert to the 5 paragraph format.

Wikipedia describes Samuel Johnson as "Large and powerfully built, Johnson had poor eyesight, was hard of hearing and had a scarred face as a result of childhood scrofula. He also had a number of tics and other involuntary movements; the symptoms described by Boswell suggest that Johnson had Tourette syndrome and obsessive-compulsive disorder." Interestingly, Ms. Nylund may have ventured into some meta form of writing as I developed a wide variety of involuntary tics while reading her blog post.

See you all next Thursday.

John Hollinger, Jazzbots, Jerry Sloan. Suck, Suck, Suck.

Before we get into this week's panning of the blog actively kept up by the biggest corporate tools on the planet, we feel a real need to point out some new piece of absurdity promulgated by ESPN this week.

John Hollinger's NBA predictions: This week Hollinger, ESPN's stat guru who like many renegade physicists claims to have discovered a broad based theory of everything by developing his hotly-debated PER statistic, released a group of prognostications about how all 30 NBA teams would fare this season. Although he managed to avoid the classic pitfall of predicting an exact record for each team by actually making his total wins equal his total losses on a league-wide basis (some magazines routinely predict more total wins than total losses, apparently believing that if both teams play well that they will both be rewarded with a win and the player's parents will distribute juice boxes at half time from the back of their mini-vans), one implication of his win-loss predictions seems completely absurd. But before we get there, a simple point. If you met this man at a bar would you immediately trust him?

Me neither. In fact, that's the face of the guy I fully expect to try to sneak drinking out of the beer tap when the bartender isn't looking. Frankly, that's sort of how I feel about paying for ESPN Insider to read Hollinger's material over the last year, like every time I turn around there's just a little more missing from what he writes but I can't ever put a finger on exactly when it was ESPN pulled the rug out from under me.

According to Hollinger, teams in the Western Conference will have a net record that is four wins higher than their losses while Eastern Conference teams will (obviously) have a net record that is four wins lower than their losses. In essence, Hollinger believes that the West will only win four more games over the east than it loses. In the context of the last few seasons this is a completely absurd prediction. Let's review the East-West disparity over the last three seasons (since Charlotte was added and there was a divisional realignment):

2006-2007: 64 game difference in favor of the Western Conference

2005-2006: 36 game difference in favor of the Western Conference

2004-2005: 72 game difference in favor of the Western Conference

I am acutely aware that Kevin Garnett, Ray Allen, Rashard Lewis and Zach Randolph all moved from the western conference to the eastern conference this off-season and that this in some measure will likely impact the inter-conference record in favor of the east. I'm also aware, however, that none of those guys were on a team that won more than 32 games last season so it's not like they were on teams that were good before and are now going to suck. I'm also aware that of these four players only Garnett and Allen made the all-star team last year and that there are serious questions about how much Rashard Lewis and Zach Randolph will actually help their new teams.

Of course there was also a rookie draft, but I think we all know which conference ended up with both Greg Oden and Kevin Durant. Hint: It wasn't the east. In essence, Hollinger is betting that those four guys are worth a 60 win swing between the conferences. On this point, I suspect he shall be severely humbled. Of course then we can look forward to that column where John Hollinger admits he was wrong about something. I know I've enjoyed reading that non-existent column for the last several seasons. As long as I'm dreaming I'd also like a pony.

Jazzbots Sucks #1: Although we're now seeing the second and third posts of many of the "jazzbots" bloggers, we've yet to see a marked difference in quality. This week was initially kicked off by a blog post by the Mueller family that I can only assume was written by the eight year old daughter because half of the post was about a 14 year old girl explaining that she knows something about football and about the family doing yard work.

I fully expect the next blog post to be about what the family ate for breakfast (I'm guessing gruel) with the Jazz vaguely mentioned in both the first and last paragraphs. I'm thinking this will take the form of "then I put my oatmeal in a bowl ... I wanted some fruit in my oatmeal but our bananas were kind of old and were starting to get brown and fuzzy ... The Jazz bear is brown and fuzzy .... Go Jazz!" Mueller family you have failed to justify your existence.

Jazz Poetry Part 1: Our favorite blogging 4th grade class wrote haikus this week about basketball. Given the poll results that Ms. Corbridge shared with us last week I can only assume that the class was divided by gender and then given separate assignments. Boys were probably told to write about basketball players and girls were asked to write about Jazz dancers.

Apparently Ms. Corbridge is a fantastic teacher who correctly informed her students that the classic format for a haiku is 5 syllables on the first line, 7 syllables on the second line, and 5 syllables on the third line. I can only assume that the teacher chose to showcase the best work product her class could produce given that the very first haiku she showcases only has 6 syllables in the second line, the second haiku has 6 syllables in the first line, and the fifth haiku has 6 syllables in the third line. Keep in mind she only posted 5 haikus so 60% of the ones that made the cut incorrectly applied the format. One can only assume that Ms. Corbridge's future Nobel Laureates might be spending too much time blogging about basketball as opposed to actually learning something. This, of course, would put Ms. Corbridge in the top half of Utah state public school teachers.

What's important though is that she clearly has a lot of love and warmth for the children. As long as we've decided that those qualities are more important than actual teaching ability though I think we should take this premise to its logical conclusion. May I suggest that next year's elementary school english instead be taught by Ms. Letourneau?

Harpring Sucks' extensive investigative arm has also uncovered a submitted Haiku by one precocious student who unfortunately had his submission rejected by the moderating staff at jazzbots.com:

Bad defense, awful

passing, two bad knees, ugly.

To wit, Harpring Sucks.

Reports of this child being told to write a report on the trial of Galileo Galilei before the Roman Inquisition after submitting this poem for publication are thus far unconfirmed.

If your children read Harpring Sucks, you're a fantastic parent. But seriously, don't let them read this part: This blog has been a little too G-rated for my personal tastes lately. Time to dirty it up some.

I recently received a rather bizarre phone call from a close friend of mine. At first he wanted an official ruling on how many times you have to sleep with a girl before you're officially dating her (for those of you scoring at home we decided on 5 times if sexual contact occurs, 3 times if no sexual contact but snuggling occurs on the theory that this implies emotional connection, and an infinite number of times if she's your mother). Such a question, however leads to a number of inquiries as to why the need for such information would ever arise. Somewhat predictably, it turns out he needed a ruling because he was starting to see a woman but wasn't sure if he was dating her yet or not.

The official answer: he's not dating her yet because they've only had sex twice. It's not that anyone is emotionally adverse to continuing the process but there's a hang-up: it turns out that she's on the physically unable to perform list because during their last "getting to know you session" he bruised her cervix.

Yes, you read that last sentence correctly.

Never one to be outdone, I assumed that if my friend could be an accomplished cervix bruiser then I too would be up to the task. Unfortunately there has been some confusion between myself and Madame Kicky as to where exactly the cervix is located. This has led to some embarrassing incidents culminating in bite marks on her thigh. Turns out that's not where the cervix is.

For guidance, I asked my friend how exactly he managed the herculean feat of bruising his potential girlfriend's cervix in the first place. You know you're curious too. This mystery answered later in the column.

Jazz Poetry Part 2: Our favorite jazzbots racist who told us all about the "Birth of a Nation" last week has written another blog post full of what he calls "blogoetry." Sometimes you don't even have to try to mock someone; they've done the best possible job already.

Given that Mr. Joshua Leavitt's photo features him wearing some sort of beret I think we can safely assume he enjoys coffee shops and poetry slam. In related news, artsy guys reputation for getting women still far exceeds actual women getting.

Notable Omission: Cameron Hanson tells us he's going to the University of Utah's homecoming dance. Note that he doesn't say he has a date.

Jerry Sloan as Commander in Chief: Last week I was joking when I said that I would do a Jerry Sloan as Commander in Chief decision flow chart. Such a task would clearly be ludicrous. Unfortunately this meant that a couple of my fellow bloggers (and the ever-demanding dragon lady Madame Kicky) actually expected me to do one. Damn, these things take a lot of time.

This just gives me more reason to hate the guy who wrote the "Jerry Sloan for President" blog post last week.

Without further ado:

Click to enlarge.

Stilted Writing 2: The Wrath of Khan: Last week we made fun of a jazzbots blogger who clearly never developed her writing skills past the middle school level because she started her post with a dictionary definition of the word convert. Apparently, she remains convinced this is a good writing tactic because she opens her most recent blog post with a colloquial definition of the word marriage.

I fully expect next week's entry to open with a definition of the word "hack." Oh yeah, and in case you all are wondering, they probably get more hits than we do by a full order of magnitude. *sigh*

As if there was any doubt jazzbots.com was an extended advertisement for the Jazz: Aaron Heaten made a blog post that was essentially an extended defense of the Jazz high ticket prices. He then suggested specific single game tickets readers should buy. Although the blogging positions on jazzbots are ostensibly unpaid, I'm beginning to suspect a kickback scheme.

A true WTF moment: Remember our breakfast-eating yardwork-doing friends the Muellers? Their 14 year old daughter took a turn writing a family blog post this week. Her stunning insight on the Jazz? Deron Williams is "hot." I'm sorry that's a misquote, he's "H-O-T!!! On FIRE:-)!!!" The 14 year old daughter then goes on to express a desire to marry the (already married) Deron Williams before acknowledging that it's all a joke because she's "already picked out [her] husband."

14 years old and already committed to sell herself into slavery early.

I anxiously await the launching of teenpregnancybots.com.

The solution to our earlier mystery (parents best stop their children here): When we left off with our cervix bruising friend it wasn't yet apparent exactly how he managed to go where no man has gone before (actually I know this girl and I'm certain at least 5 other men have gone there before, just not quite all the way to the heart of darkness known as the cervix).

Apparently the bruising occurred in this most uncomfortable place (as uncomfortable as the back of a Volkswagen) because, in his excitement while thrusting wildly while standing behind her, he became frustrated that she kept moving forward away from him with each thrust. Obviously he needed a solution to this problem that was preventing him from getting as close as he wanted to. He needed some restraining device, any restraining device, but it had to be within reach because he was sort of busy at that exact moment.

Frantically searching with his foot (remember that he's standing up so this means he's currently thrusting while on one leg, a maneuver we've dubbed Flamingo F--King) he came across a loose piece of cloth on the floor. Gracefully (well as graceful as a cervix bruiser can be) he flung the piece of cloth up from the floor with his foot into his hand where he discovered the girl's pink Hello Kitty underwear. Resourcefully he placed it around her neck, preventing her from moving forward, she bent backward on the recoil and, voila, bruised cervix.

This incident has led the Madame and myself to dub my friend the "Phoenix panty strangler." He believes this label is unfair. As he puts it "geez, a guy chokes a girl once in a hot way..."

Back next week with more guaranteed absurd jazzbots material. I'm sure those bloggers won't disappoint.

Possibly the worst blog on the planet

It has been chronicled ad nauseum on this website that the Utah Jazz have an amazing propensity to give work to people who simply work hard and try their best rather than those who are actually talented and would do the best work. While this has previously only applied to players like Matt Harpring, whose on-court performance wildly vacillates between the patently absurd and putridity, the team has decided to expand its penchant for mediocrity into the online world of blogging by opening a blog sponsored by the team that is written entirely by pre-selected fans. While this sounds like a great concept in theory, the reality is that the result is more optimistic and warm than Mary Poppins on an ecstasy trip at Disneyland.

The website is located at http://www.jazzbots.com/. The team-sponsored bloggers who can only post positive things about the organization actually call themselves "jazzbots." Sometimes the jokes just write themselves.

As you might imagine we don't take kindly to that sort of tone around here; and what's worse is that the blog posts are invariably either horribly boring, completely inane, or borderline racist. Don't believe me? Let's go down the list of a representative sample of jazzbots posts thus far. In fact, this might even become a regular feature.

1. Article about the mascot: I'm sure everyone on the internet actively seeks out information about the Jazz bear making public appearances to drum up interest in the team doing charitable work in the community, but just can't find a good resource detailing the bear's charitable works. Unfortunately the blog post about the bear starts with the following:

What’s big and brown and has everyone cheering?

With all due credit given to prodigy at jazzfanz.com, my initial thought after reading the opening sentence was not of the jazz bear but of this guy:

I'm sure that the team located in Salt Lake City wants that associated with the organization. Of course the article eventually acknowledges that the author has no idea who she's celebrating because the Jazz bear wears a full body suit and conceals the wearer's identity. You know who else employs such a tactic to prevent public identification?

And before you guys say "that's over the top" let's go to the next absurd jazzbots.com post.

2. Birth of a Nation: That's not my title for this post, that was the title selected by the actual author. While the author clearly means it to be about the birth of "jazzbots nation" (a frightening prospect given the "sponsored by candy and toy companies" feel of the website) he probably forgot about the immediate images that the phrase "Birth of a Nation" immediately evokes.

In completely unrelated news, Utah is currently ranked the 38th most educated state in the country.

3. Stilted Writing: One blog poster attempted to write an article about how she was a "convert" from being a Green Bay Packer football fan to a Utah Jazz fan. There's nothing wrong with the premise, but it's obvious that she hasn't written an essay since the fourth grade because she opens her post this way:

con·vert n. 1. A person who is converted from one opinion or practice to
another; a person who is won over to, or heartily embraces, a creed, religious
system, or party, in which he has not previously believed.

I'm so glad to see that the immortal classic "My First Term Paper" is still selling copies, even if its full grown adults buying it for their own use. In all honesty, I have a 10 year old brother and if he started writing a paper that way I'd punch him in the face for being an unoriginal hack. This woman deserves at least two shots to the ovaries.

4. Obvious "awwwww factor": One of the blog "contributors" (I put the term in quotes because most of the blog posts contribute next to nothing) is an elementary school class. I'm sure they'll deliver hard hitting journalism about the Jazz. For instance did you know that most boys in the class like playing AND watching basketball but most girls don't want to play? I'm glad to see that Ms. Jackie Corbridge of Lucille C. Reading Elementary school is playing to gender stereotypes (after all was there any other reason to bifurcate her "polling" by gender?) in her initial blog posts. I fully expect post #2 to be titled "why the only black student in Utah is the most athletic" or "our Asian students are the best at math AND karate."

Who am I kidding? This class is probably actually taught by Clayton Bigsby. The teacher will never give black students credit for being athletic.

5. "Sloan for President": Another actual title for a blog post. Just when I thought actual politicians were stubborn.

Next week: the "Jerry Sloan as Commander in Chief Decision Flow Chart."

Dealing with AK's contract: Unconventional Solutions for make benefit of great communist recreation ball player

Over the last few days, there's been much hullabaloo made over the increasingly bizarre contract dispute between the Utah Jazz and Andrei Kirilenko (and yes this entire sentence was constructed just so I could use the word hullabaloo, don't pretend you weren't impressed). The most newsworthy blast was made by Kirilenko (right, contritely eating his cereal like a good boy), when he stated that he'd be willing to give up the entire balance of his $63 million contract over the next four years in exchange for freedom from the team. To put that in perspective, that's approximately 7,884,856 Russian pulp novels worth of cash. Kirilenko's "threat" to agree to invalidate his contract entirely combined with an actual implied promise of a training camp holdout has left much of the national basketball media scrambling for an answer to how the Jazz plan to deal with their disgruntled former all-star.

Unsurprisingly, given the identity of the team involved, most of the reporting coverage has been dedicated to very conventional solutions that only the most unimaginative of GMs would seriously consider as an A-strategy. Furthermore, the coverage seems to make the (faulty) assumption that AK holds all the bargaining chips in this situation even though he's the one contractually bound to play for the Jazz and has little recourse for playing overseas given that FIBA honors NBA contracts. To that end, after summarizing the most commonly advocated strategies by most of the basketball media for dealing with AK (and explaining why they suck), we investigate some actually novel and interesting strategies the Jazz could pursue for either making Kirilenko honor his contract and play hard or for getting top value for him if the Jazz feel they must export the Russian Rifle.

Conventional (i.e. Boring) Strategies:

1. Make the classic panic trade after a public player demand to leave the team:

Let's just set aside the fact that the panic trade pretty much never works out for the team trying to get rid of the disgruntled star for a moment and examine exactly what deals have been bandied about in the media recently. After a close look it becomes apparent all possible deals are either wholly unrealistic or consist of a classic "one dollar for 3 quarters" trade.

One popular rumor featured the Jazz trading AK to Phoenix for Shawn Marion. Another popular, and just as likely, rumor features the Loch Ness Monster inhabiting a Scottish lake. You know, unless Robert Sarver feels like starting a riot in Phoenix just for kicks.

Another rumor features the Jazz getting Lamar Odom in return for shipping our favorite spiky-haired pinko to Los Angeles. Somehow I don't think that's the sort of help that Kobe Bryant was looking for. Also, I'm sure the Jazz need another power forward.

Finally, Henry Abbott at True Hoop proposed what was essentially an Andrei Kirilenko swap to Portland for Jarrett Jack, Raef Lafrentz, and Channing Frye. In completely unrelated news it's been alleged that Henry Abbott is a Portland Trailblazers fan. I'm just stunned he didn't try to trade us Greg Oden's knee in exchange for Carlos Boozer. Although as an added bonus, I'm sure Kevin O'Connor really thinks we need another guard right now.

Let's be honest guys, with every repeated trade request, and as GM's smell blood in the water around a desperate organization it is far more likely we're going to get this guy than anyone that's actually useful:

On the positive side, Matt Harpring would finally have someone to accompany him to the bathroom and help him powder his nose. While female fans would love this, I can't imagine any situation that would make me more unhappy.

2. Eat the Contract:

Some are advocating that the Jazz take Andrei Kirilenko up on his offer to cancel the contract in its entirety. The idea being that this would generate massive salary cap room so the Jazz could sign someone else immediately. The only problem with this idea: there's no one really out there to sign right now because the Jazz have missed the free agent boat by about 2 months. Unless of course the Jazz wanted to sign Roger Powell Jr. in an effort to win back those Illinois fans they alienated by cutting Dee Brown (by the way, good luck in Turkey Dee. I hear they only throw batteries at the players there about 50% of the time). Roger Powell Jr. has been tearing up the Developmental League; of course so has Randy Livingston so take that for what it's worth. So while we get Roger Powell Jr. another team would get to pick up Andrei Kirilenko at a discount rate. This sounds like a great deal for the Jazz.

The most interesting thing about the invalidate the contract idea is that the only real precedent over the last several years is the Derek Fisher contract cancellation earlier this summer, which was undertaken supposedly due to special circumstances. Of course if Kirilenko wants to give up that kind of cash, a completely unprecedented move, the Player's Association might have something to say about that. Of course, we all know who the president of the Player's Association is.

3. Wait it Out:

We all know how well this is working out for the Lakers with regards to Kobe's on-again off-again trade demands. Also, I can think of all sorts of teams that have performed well during an ongoing contract dispute with its highest paid player. That's a sure-fire recipe for success following our run to the Western Conference finals. I can't think of a more fool-proof strategy.

So our options are trade for some crappy player who has a similarly bloated contract (or the refuse left in Henry Abbott's sink in the morning), give another team a huge boon in Andrei Kirilenko while we get back nothing, or create season long controversy immediately. I'm sure thrilled with those options, aren't you? Here's some alternatives:

Unconventional Strategies:

1. If Kirilenko leaves, make him sign a non-competition agreement:

This option has only been discussed tangentially (I've seen exactly two sentences about it in one SLTrib Blog Entry) in the media. The idea is simple: if the Jazz really want to just get the whole situation over with immediately by invalidating Kirilenko's contract they should get rid of some of the sting by ensuring that he doesn't sign with a rival and proceed to burn them between 2-4 times a year plus the playoffs. Thus, as part of the buy-out agreement the team would force AK to agree not to sign with another NBA team for a specified number of years (presumably 4 given that's the length of his current contract with the Jazz), and would gain a functional guarantee that he's banished to Siberia for the foreseeable future.

My reading of the CBA and Larry Coon's CBA FAQ indicates there is no explicit prohibition on the Jazz including such a non-competition agreement. Of course there's nothing saying it's kosher either. That lands this idea in questionable territory, although someone would actually have to protest it in order for its potential invalidity to mean anything. It's a good thing we've established so much goodwill with the president of the Player's Association right?

Pros: Jazz prevent the messy contract situation from benefiting a rival team.

Cons: Jazz still receive no compensation for their former all-star.

2. Use the big bargaining chip: Olympic play

It's no secret that AK played with a renewed fervor during the recently concluded Eurobasket 2007 tournament, where he was named MVP. In fact, AK has made several statements after that tournament indicating that playing for the Russian national team and representing his country is extremely important to him. Funny, I think getting high value out of his $63 million investment is probably important to Larry Miller. This might give Larry some leverage.

Unfortunately Kirilenko isn't allowed to play for the national team unless Larry gives him the ok because of his current contract with the Jazz. How do you think AK would react if Larry told him in no uncertain terms "Shut up, show up to training camp, play hard, and stay after practice to keep Jerry and Deron Williams happy or else I'm not signing your permission slip to Beijing." Bad PR move in Russia for the Jazz owner? Probably. I'm thinking the cossacks don't have all that many season tickets though. This has thus far been a severely overlooked and powerful bargaining chip in the Jazz's pocket.

Pros: AK sticks around and plays out the season; Larry Miller gag order largely removes team distraction.

Cons: Potential nuclear conflict with Russia; Possibility that Andrei Kirilenko doesn't really care about playing for the national team so threats of holding him out of the Olympics rings hollow.

3. Convert AK into different highly tradable assets:

There are still a handful of mid-value free agents out on the market (think Sasha Pavlovic, Chris Webber, and Anderson Varejao) looking for a home and who's former team is eligible to include them in a sign and trade deal.

The last few years should have taught us all one thing: First round draft picks and expiring contracts are gold in the current NBA trade market.

The Jazz could offer a team with an unsigned free agent Andrei Kirilenko straight up in exchange for a highly value inflated expiring contract and one or more first round draft picks. Under this scenario, the (just as one example) Cleveland Cavaliers would agree to a sign and trade deal with Sasha Pavlovic for $39 million for three seasons with a team option after the first year and trade him and a first round draft pick to the Jazz in exchange for Andrei Kirilenko. The only reason Pavlovic's deal is for three years is because the NBA CBA requires sign and trade deals to be at least three years in length but only the first year must be guaranteed. Presumably Pavlovic would understand that he's in effect signing a one year deal for $13 million.

After this deal went down the Cavaliers would have the current Eurobasket 2007 MVP in exchange for only a role player and a draft pick, the Jazz would have two highly tradable and valuable assets in exchange for Kirilenko and potential salary cap flexibility next off-season, and Sasha Pavlovic would get $13 million for playing the shell game and unrestricted free agency next off-season. I'm guessing any current free agent would agree to such a ludicrously enriching scheme.

Pros: Jazz get flexibility and assets; smile put on face of relatively crappy player; draft picks likely in the mid-to-late first round.

Cons: Kirilenko employed by another NBA team, presumably a contender willing to part with first round draft picks; Jazz would inevitably use the assets to acquire Aaron Gray.

Jazz Media Day in the Life

With Media Day rapidly approaching, there is a lot of anticipation of how things may go. With recent events, both Jazz related and non-Jazz related, what if the two converged?

First question to Ronnie Brewer....Ronnie, why is it that some players don't seem to learn how to play in the league?

Ronnie: “I personally believe, that N.B.A. players, are unable to do so, because uh, some, people out there, in our league don’t have maps.and uh…I believe that our education like such as in South Alabama,and the Washington,everywhere like such as…and, I believe they should uh,our education over here,in the N.B.A. should help the N.B.A. or should help South Alabama,and should help the Washington and Canadian countries so we will be able to build up our future, for us.”

Interviewer: .................Thank you Ronnie.

Question for Mehmet Okur: Memo, the treatment of AK has been fairly harsh lately by fans and media. Do you have any thoughts?

Memo: How friggin dare anyone out there make fun of Andrei after all he has been through. He has a crazy wife. He had two friggin kids. His wife turned out to be a user, a weirdo and now he's going through a trade demand. All you people care about is….. readers and making money off of him. HE’S A HUMAN! What you don’t realize is that Andrei is making you all this money and all you do is write a bunch of crap about him. He hasn’t performed on court in years. His request is to “give me more” for a reason because all you people want is MORE MORE MORE MORE MORE. LEAVE HIM ALONE! You are lucky he even played for you BASTARDS! LEEEAVE AANNDDRREEII ALLLLLONE!…..Please. The media talked about professionalism and said if Andrei was a professional he would’ve pulled it off no matter what. Speaking of professionalism, when is it professional to publically bash someone who is going through a hard time. Leave Andrei Alone Please…. Leave Andrei Kirilenko alone…right now….I mean it.

It appears that Andrei Kirilenko wants to ask a question.

Kirilenko: Yes, I would like to ask Coach why he has not won any titles. I have won a title, now. Coach, it is thought that you are among the best coaches in the league, but you have not won anything.

Sloan: I am aware of that.

Kirilenko continues: You make a lot of money but have not won. What would you attribute..

Security guards arrive.

Kirilenko: I'm not finished...thank you for turning off my mic. No, I'm not leaving.

Guards wrestle Kirilenko to the ground.

Kirilenko: What are you doing? No! NOOOO! DON'T TASE ME BRO!

Buzzing is heard.

Kirilenko: OW! OW! OOOOWWWWWWW!

Memo: LEAVE HIM ALONE, YOU BASTARDS! IS THAT NECESSARY?


I can't wait for Media Day.

The shooting guard comeback tour

There's something in the water in Boca Raton. This summer tons of retired NBA players such as Anfernee Hardaway, Allan Houston, Reggie Miller, and Doug Christie (and more importantly Jackie Christie) have publicly contemplated a comeback; presumably after realizing that outside of their NBA careers they have virtually nothing to offer to society. Stunningly, some Utah Jazz fans have actually advocated giving Houston and Christie a chance even though we already have a 6'11" All-Star Turkish shooting guard. Plus he's at least a decade younger than all of the comeback candidates and still looks younger than Greg Oden. Despite this reality, people still seem to want to give these guys a chance on the theory that shooting doesn't deteriorate with age (although apparently they forget that in order to get space to shoot you need to be able to run and jump, which of course does decline with age).

Harpringsucks wants to know why, as long as we're throwing the switch on the wayback machine why don't we go even farther back. After all if shooting doesn't deteriorate with age these guys should still be good.

Jeff Hornacek - Most recently with the Utah Jazz

Pros: Great nickname; His kids should finally be old enough to understand why that whole "I'm petting the side of my face to say 'hi' to you while I'm shooting free throws" is utterly ridiculous; increases the Jazz "whiteness factor" (an important issue for selling tickets in the Salt Lake market); he also won the 2-ball competition during all-star weekend one year and everyone knows 2-ball is HOT right now for marketing purposes.

Cons: His knees are currently softer than your grandmother's jello salad; would probably prefer playing with the Suns; Sloan would probably try to play him at Small Forward on the theory that he hustles more than AK.

Michael Cooper - Most recently with the Los Angeles Lakers

Pros: Current coaching position with Los Angeles Sparks makes him ideal candidate to help AK with emotional issues; positive role model as he appeared in 1980s era Jaime Escalante videos.

Cons: May infect locker room as he's been in close contact with Magic Johnson; called Alley-oop plays run for him the "coop-a-loop" which even John Amaechi thinks is too gay for sports.

Drazen Petrovic - Most Recently with New Jersey Nets

Pros: Most celebrated European player of his era; had a lot of game left when his career ended; short career means his legs don't have a lot of miles on them.

Cons: Dead, which means he'd only be marginally more useful than Jarron Collins

World B. Free - Most Recently with Houston Rockets

Pros: Fantastic name; dynamic scorer; won the (USBL) championship with the Miami Tropics; doesn't even need a nickname; flamboyant and colorful wardrobe;

Cons: None. Oh yeah, except that he's 54 freakin' years old. But we should totally sign this guy even if it prevents us from developing Ronnie Brewer, C.J. Miles, and even *shudder* Morris Almond.

Mehmet Okur: Spokesman

Glad to see that Memo is getting commercials in his native Turkey.



I can't decide what the most unrealistic part of this video is. It's either Memo's ability to split into two people (difficult even for Uri Geller), the fact that Memo was able to stop himself on defense (with a steal that I don't think I've ever seen him display in a real game), or that something called "Dimes" doesn't taste like ass.

Who am I kidding, Memo's defense is clearly the the most fictional element of the advertisement.