Draft Winners/Losers

Although at Harpringsucks we generally eschew traditional sports column formats for more intellectual pursuits like Bingo and talking at length about a specific Matt Harpring Missed-Layup attempt, nothing lends itself to formulaic treatment quite like the NBA draft. In that vein, we present the individuals and teams that were the biggest winners and biggest losers of last nights draft.

Winners:

Joakim Noah's stylist: It may not have been the most appealing get-up we've ever seen but it certainly got some attention. YB and I couldn't decide last night if he was trying to evoke Sideshow Bob or Blackula. Others thought he was going for a Gallagher or Carrot Top look. If nothing else, that bowtie probably made Tucker Carlson a little envious.

Trailblazers: So their front-line rotation now includes Greg Oden, LaMarcus Aldridge, and Josh McRoberts. Wasn't that the McDonald's All-American game from a couple years ago? Also they got rid of Zach Randolph before had a chance to introduce Oden to any of his friends or infect him with Bell's palsy. Good move on the Blazer's part. The only negative is Oden's pretty much a sure bet to start having prostate trouble, collect social security, and watch re-runs of Matlock and the Golden Girls in about five seasons.

Rafael Arjuao: Despite the fact that the Jazz already had two young developing shooting guards (CJ Miles and Ronnie Brewer) and a European veteran who has a face destined for a Charles Dickens novel about starvation, they decided to pick yet another player who will wallow at the end of the bench while 6'1" Derek Fisher soaks up all the minutes at shooting guard. Had the Jazz gone with Josh McRoberts or Big Baby Davis, Hoffa would have likely started packing immediately to go to Europe as he knows there's no way he's taking minutes from Jarron Collins. As is, we may get another year out of the big flagrant foul machine.

San Antonio Spurs: They pick #28 and got a lottery talent in Splitter. The Spurs are like that guy in high school with perfect teeth who's on the football team, gets a scholarship to Yale, and dates hot twin cheerleaders. Even though he technically didn't do anything to you, you hate him anyway for being better than you on the merits and you have no defense. It's gotten to the point where I'm starting to believe that Gregg Popovich's facial pock marks have some kind of super-power.

Giorgos Printezis: I've never heard of him either, but everything Bryan Colangelo touches inexplicably turns to gold lately. Therefore, I can only assume that making this guy a useful NBA player is on Jesus' to-do list now.

Indiana: They drafted Stanko. This pretty much automatically makes them my second favorite team. They might even qualify as my favorite if they pull a Yao and put Stanko on the back of his uniform.

Greg Oden: Now that you're officially a pro, we can finally get office pools started on how long before we see you hawking anti-wrinkle cream.

Losers:

Steve Francis: When did Stevie Franchise turn into Penny Hardaway? Does anyone want this guy any more? He's been traded 3 times on this max contract. That never happens. We've come a long way from sullen Steve refusing to play for Vancouver. Now if Memphis offered him a job mopping the floor after practices he'd probably take it just to have control over his own destiny.

New York Knicks: A few things here. #1. I confess to not knowing anything about this "Wilson Chandler" guy, but every time I hear his name I picture Carlton from "Fresh Prince of Bel-Aire." This is not what you're looking for in an NBA player. #2. Spike Lee is getting old. Last night I'm pretty sure I caught glimpses of a colostomy bag next to his chair during the draft. A real blow to Knicks fans everywhere. #3. Eddy Curry's entourage fighting Zach Randolph's entourage could be a rivalry more heated than the Bloods and the Crips. I can't wait. #4. Isiah Thomas is still in charge. I'm convinced he will be the first target of an NBA mid-game assassination by a crazed fan.

Utah Jazz: Morris Almond is pretty much destined to continue in the long and (not so) proud tradition of Quincy Lewis, Deshawn Stevenson, Sasha Pavlovic, Kirk Snyder, CJ Miles, and Ronnie Brewer in being "young shooting guards who Sloan never lets see the light of day." I guess that makes Morris Almond a loser on draft day too. That being said Morris Almond is slow, unathletic, can't rebound, can't defend, and is a huge kiss-ass, but he plays hard and hustles so if he's bad enough to make Fisher, Harpring, and Collins look good Sloan may give him some time just to reward him for some hard work. Who am I kidding, the big loser here is Jazz Fans.

Celtics Fans: Congratultions guys. Your team just changed direction for the 5th time in five years. At this rate you'll have a credible team-building philosophy in slightly less time than it took to complete the Big Dig.

Yi Jianlian: There's no way China will let you play in Milwaukee. Just to spite the hubris of Senator Herb Kohl they'll probably slash both of your Achilles tendons and put you out to stud like a racehorse in order to breed the next batch of super-tall Chinese athletes. At least you won't have to learn to speak English now. Last night you sounded like mush mouth crossed with the cookie monster. It was so frightening that I wouldn't have been stunned if you tried to swallow Stuart Scott whole.

Houston Rockets: It's official, you're just getting monkeys drunk and having them throw darts at a wall full of player photos on draft night. It's bad when Kevin McHale, Billy King, and Billy Knight made fewer mistakes combined.

Matt Harpring: Nothing specific about last night. Just generally.