Utah Jazz: Star Wars Edition

At the end of the season, sportswriters and fans alike assign the players of their respective teams grades for their performance. For example, Deron Williams would receive an A from most fans and writers for his excelling expectations and late-season performance. However, as a nerd, I propose a different metric. Which characters from Star Wars best represent the various Utah Jazz players?

And yes, I'm single.

For the purpose of this post and my own memories, the "prequel trilogy" does not exist. Also, I will not attempt to find a character for every player, though I might edit in any particularly good suggestions from the comments.

Character: Luke Skywalker Player: Deron Williams
The central protagonist for the movie, young Luke overcomes a whiny beginning to lead a ragtag band of rebels against overwhelming odds, achieving what can only be called a success by the end of the films. Has overwhelming desire to leave desolate desert territory that surrounds him. Shoots a lot. Has a tendency to wear embarrassing outfits featuring powder blue.



Character: Chewbacca Player: Carlos Boozer
Though a massive creature, Chewbacca only rarely uses his overwhelming strength to accomplish his goals. Initially intimidating, Chewbacca demonstrates fierce loyalty to his companions when they are threatened. Communicates via unintelligible yelps, growls, and roars. Incredibly hairy. Often naked.

Character: Darth Vader Player: Andrei Kirilenko

Darth Vader spends most of the series antagonizing the protagonists, only to finally show a glimmer of good shortly before the end. Lacks fully functional arms and legs. Difficult to understand when excited. Often fails when he attempts to take the offensive.


Character: Emperor Palpatine
Player/Coach: Jerry Sloan

Wields all power without any threat of revenge from other sources within the Empire. Focuses intently on either turning Luke to the Dark Side or destroying him. Likes to sit passively in his chair, watching events unfold and mocking subordinates. Eventually causes the complete and total destruction of Darth Vader while in turn being destroyed by Vader and the Luke-led Rebellion. We can only hope.


Character: Ephant Mon
Player: Jarron Collins

Ephant Mon shows up in one corner of Jabba's palace for a brief appearance. He doesn't actually do anything, just stands there. Only the most hardcore Star Wars fans are even aware Ephant Mon exists. Physically unable to jump.

Character: Obi-Wan Kenobi
Player: Derek Fisher

Obi-Wan, introduced as a mentor to Luke, outlives his usefulness within an hour of the beginning. Despite losing his ability to perform in the physical world, he haunts the protagonists with his aura for the rest of the series, telling them how they ought to proceed. At conclusion of movie, stands and nods approvingly, ostensibly having aided in the ultimate victory. In reality, all of his notable contributions occurred years before his introduction into the films with prior wars.


Character: Jabba the Hutt
Player: Mehmet Okur

Sleepy-eyed, sluggish, and yet surprisingly efficacious at getting the job done. Due to his slow physical form, Jabba primarily maneuvers to attack foes from a distance, rarely coming into proximity with opponents. Though not much to look at, salvages the situation by keeping female eye candy close at hand.

Character: Wedge Antilles
Player: Matt Harpring

Despite an underwhelming screen presence and no accomplishments of note, Wedge manages to appear in all three films, generally stealing screen time from more important characters. Skulks around in support role until Return of the Jedi, in which for some reason he is awarded the title of Red Leader. Plays horrible defense, shuffles across the court, and misses open layups.


Character: Boba Fett
Player: Ronnie Brewer

Fun to watch in the few minutes of screen time he is allowed. Probably accomplishes as much per minute of of film as any other character. Highly mobile and single-minded in attacking opponent. However, despite his positive contributions, he doesn't quite do enough to explain his rabid fanbase.

Character: Generic Stormtrooper
Player: Gordan Giricek

Does nothing but shoot.









[Edit]Additional Suggestions from Co-Bloggers and Comments

Character: Han Solo
Player: Paul Millsap

Energetic and a wildcard that no one can control. Though Luke is written as the main protagonist of the movies, Han steals almost scene in which he appears. So incredibly awesome that he did the Kessel Run in less than twelve parsecs, even though a parsec is a measure of distance, not time. He occasionally pulls off other brilliant maneuvers that no one else could predict, but his problems with the Empire end with him frozen in carbonite.
[thanks to Kicky for suggestion]


Character: Wicket
Player: Dee Brown

Midget added purely for comic relief and appeal to kids. Treated with condescending bemusement by other characters, Wicket responds by offering little in return besides waddling around and chattering constantly. However, for one reason or another, he is awarded a large role in the final battle. In said battle, he continues his experience of being generally useless except when matched up against the even more inept stormtroopers but is still feted along with the more important characters after final success.

[thanks to YB for suggestion]

Character: Greedo
Player: Gordan Giricek [Alternate]

[note: I'm generally sticking by my guns with my character/player matches, but this is too brilliant]

Not a good shot. Burns out after five minutes. Severely infected hair follicles. Looks like a chain smoker. Lets opponent shoot first.

[OK, YB didn't actually suggest this, but I thought he did, so I'm going ahead with it]

Character: Rancor Monster
Player: Rafael Araujo

"GRAR!"

*smash*

[suggestion by me]