Potential News Stories (Part 1)

In an effort to both undercut the Salt Lake dime rags and provide some interest for the dog days of the NBA offseason, I present the first in a series of likely news stories from the near future.

Kirilenko Undergoes Sex Change Operation; Set to Join Sacramento Monarchs
Associated Press

Tokyo-In a move shocking to NBA fans in general and Utah Jazz fans in particular, Jazz forward Andrei Kirilenko checked in to Bangkok Hospital last week and underwent a sex change operation. Kirilenko, a former All-Star who has struggled with injuries and diminished abilities in recent years, refused to grant an interview, but did post the following statement on his website:

“I realize my fans may be shocked to discover that I was leading a lie in the past few years, but I finally realized I could not go on living as a woman in a man’s body. The truth became painfully clear at the end of the season as Coach and others repeatedly called me a woman, and now I feel I can accept those comments in the spirit given. I am in contact with the Sacramento Monarchs, and I hope my fans can continue to watch me perform—and not perform—playing professional basketball.”

He then signed the message with, “Best, Andrea.”

The operating surgeon, Dr. Nitya Sonthi, declared the operation “a total success” and remarked upon the relative ease of the surgery: “In most cases, a sex change operation is a delicate process which requires the removal and restructuring of much tissue. But in this case, we were aided by the fact that the subject’s sex organs had already shriveled up and fallen off months ago.”

Masha Kirilenko, Andrei(a) Kirilenko’s wife, has stated she will stay by her husband/wife’s side, commenting that this situation is not so strange in the laxer Russian culture. She also mentioned that early negotiations with the Monarchs were proceeding quickly, with Kirilenko set to sign a 2-year contract at the minimum salary to come off the bench behind Yolanda Griffith.

Division By Subtraction

So last week, a co-worker (who we shall call "D") announced that he was taking another job. Things didn't work out with management in his negotiations for a raise, and in the current negative-employment market he jumped at one of the several offers that quickly came his way.

I've only been with the company for just under a year, but "D" was one of the first people who introduced himself to me. He shared a few jokes, and it became evident during my next few days there that he was the life of the party, beloved by all.

He always had great input when we would try to decide where to go for lunch. He would even drive sometimes. "D" would liven up our meetings with cute geek-oriented puns. He was pretty good at CounterStrike, but not quite good enough that we would hate to play with him.

One time he helped push my car out of the snow.

Thursday was his last day. Friday morning was accompanied by a feeling of emptiness, of loneliness, even despair. We were infuriated with management. How could they have let him go? Surely we had the resources to keep him happy? How would we go on, knowing that we had lost someone so irreplaceable? If they treated "D" that way, what about the rest of the employees? Action must be taken. The battle lines were drawn. It was a travesty.

And then we looked at his "work".

After pulling ourselves together emotionally, we began to review "D"'s code, in order to plan out how to continue on his projects. It was clear within minutes that it was garbage. Our tender feelings for "D" disappeared, and by the end of the day, we were rejoicing that he had left. Everything had to be scrapped, and we needed to start from scratch. We were puzzled. How could this have happened? Why hadn't anyone ever taken the time to actually look at his work? To look at the value that he provided (or didn't, in this case)? We had allowed ourselves to be fooled into thinking that such an insignificant player actually MEANT something to our team, and as a consequence had divided our company against itself.

Farewell, "D".

Free Agency Grades: Week Three

While week one of NBA free agency provided widespread insanity and week two showcased the most noble of human emotions, desperation, this week showed why general managers are so reactionary in the first place: after the first couple of weeks no one notable is really left to go after. As an explanatory note: any time the top free agents are a washed-up Steve Francis and Mo Williams the free agent pool is officially shallow enough that only an unwatched infant could drown in it.

Steve Francis to the Houston Rockets ($6 million/2 years):

The Rockets are assembling quite the cast of characters. In addition to second round virgins Tracy McGrady and Yao Ming the Rockets first traded for Mike James, who has proven only that he can have one great year on a terrible Raptors team and then follow it up by barely keeping his job against the likes of Marko Jaric and Troy Hudson, and then making this truly weird signing.

I understand "The Franchise" as he was known during his heyday in Houston has some value for those nostalgic Rockets Fans that want to remember the days when this team was consistently around .500, but does anyone really think this is a good idea. The Rockets now a) have three players who always need the ball to be effective, an energy guy who's head looks like a pack of hot dogs, and a 90 year old center whose voice sounds shockingly like the Cookie Monster making up a large portion of their core and b) have roughly 20,000 point guards including three they've gotten since the season ended (Aaron Brooks, Mike James, and Steve Francis).

Furthermore, Houston just got ANOTHER player who's not exactly known for post-season success. At least they mitigated all of this by hiring playoff choke-artist Rick Adelman to be their new coach. Shockingly people seem to somehow think this episode of "How the World Turns" will be different than the last ten. Sorry guys, your chances of becoming an elite team are deader than your Enron based tech-economy.

Grade: Kermit Washington

Mo Williams re-signs with the Milwaukee Bucks ($52 million/6 years):

As someone who follows the Jazz this is something that hurts; seeing a player that was a cast-off be good enough to actually deserve a large contract. Especially given that we're now going to bat with Dee Brown (who was unimpressive in Rocky Mountain Revue Summer League Games against marginal NBA players) and Jason Hart (who's most notable career moment was probably doing Elton Brand's laundry) as our back-up point guards.

The following is an excerpt of a conversation about whether Mo Williams was worth slightly less than $2 million/yr that actually occurred two years ago on the largest Utah jazz message board:

Why is it that everyone suddenly thinks mo is going to be better than those
two?

"Those two" refers to Carlos Arroyo and Raul Lopez. Seriously. Insanely this was done by someone who actually used to cover the Jazz for a local publication. It boggles my mind that this guy turned out to be as good as he is after being so mediocre in Utah. This is like dumping a girl for being uninteresting and fat and finding out three years later that she's a Nobel laureate and is now a supermodel after intensive work with a personal trainer. I don't think I'll ever be the same. In the words of Corky from Waiting for Guffman "I'm going to go home and BITE MY PILLOW!"

At least now all those people who insist that players get worse automatically when they leave the Jazz have an unanswerable example they can't defend against in Mo. I guess that's something.

Grade: A resentful B+. I just can't be mean about Mo.

Other than those two everything else were pretty minor deals this week.

Desmond Mason returns to Milwaukee, terms undisclosed

Another case of a team trying to return to its glory days of mediocrity. At least now Bobby Simmons has someone to hang out with in the treehouse for players who get paid but never meet expectations. And if you question that these guys would hang out in a treehouse remember that an NBA player's treehouse probably has a kegerator filled with Hypnotiq and groupies waiting for the players to invite them up in spite of the "No Girls Allowed" sign by offering the rope ladder. That sounds like my dream house.

Grade: D----- (I can't give it an F because I like treehouses. It's irrational I know)

Chris Mihim re-signs with Lakers ($5 million/2 years):

I really want a job where I can sit out an entire year because I'm not healthy enough to perform and then get resigned for $5 million. Especially when I wasn't very good at my job in the first place. Then again President Bush will probably make millions on the lecture circuit after his presidency is over so I guess large rewards for mediocrity and non-performance isn't unique to the NBA.

Grade: F

Jake Voskuhl signs with Milwaukee ($3 million/1 year):

Can someone explain to me why this guy is better than Paul Shirley again? I really want Paul Shirley to make another NBA team. The amount of dirt he can dish would be way too good to pass up. It would be like if Bob Woodward was named the Laker's new point guard. Dear god let someone sign Paul Shirley this year.

Grade: F

Andre Brown signs with Memphis:

He's an undrafted free agent that I've barely heard of, but I ran across this amusing tidbit in the Memphis Commercial Appeal:

According to a source, the Grizzlies have signed 6-foot-9, 245-pound free
agent power forward Andre Brown to add depth to their front line. Brown, 26, who
made his NBA debut last season in Seattle, is an athletic, explosive leaper the
team was hoping to find.

I want the Grizzlies' PR people handling my affairs from now on. If you can convince a news outlet that Andre Brown is the guy you were hoping to find then you're either passing out bribes or have incredible mind control powers. If it's the former I'm impressed with your chutzpah and if its the latter you're more impressive to me than Albert Einstein. Even if the reality is that he'll never see any meaningful time in Memphis he now always can prove that someone thought he was good once. I'm sure that newspaper clipping is on his mom's fridge right now.

Cheikh Samb signs with Detroit

I was pleased to learn that Detroit understands the value of exploring other cultures, and as a result has signed a prospect from Senegal that they describe as "raw." For your own Cheikh Samb do the following:

Gather the following ingredients:

2 Tbsp Oil
1 minced onion per portion
3-4 minced Garlic Cloves
1 tbsp minced Ginger (opt.)
1lb beef stewed chopped into chunks (in Detroit's case this was presumably the raw portion)
2 Tbsp Tomato paste
2 cups peeled, seeded, diced Tomatoes
2 cups Salt & Pepper to taste
1-2 cups of water
1 cup Peanut Butter


1. Heat the oil over medium-high heat in a large pot. Add the onions and sauté till translucent.
Add garlic and ginger and sauté 1-2 more minutes.

2. Add the beef and sauté till lightly browned.

3. Add the tomato paste and stir in for about 1 minute. Stir in the tomatoes, bring to a boil, then reduce heat to medium-low. Season. Simmer 10-15 minutes to reduce the tomatoes somewhat.

4. Add enough water or stock to loosen the dish up and simmer another 10 minutes.

5. Stir in the peanut butter and simmer another 40 minutes or so until the beef is tender and oil rises to the surface of the dish.

6. Adjust seasoning and serve with rice or couscous.

Voila! Your own Chiekh Samb for enjoyment at home or for your own team. How Joe Dumars expects this to block shots, though, I have no idea.

Grade: Delicious but gamy.

That's pretty much it for this week. Check back next week when we find out the results of our very own "The Pearl" trying to sign Matt Harpring's wife out of free agency while he's away managing his basketball camps and distributing "The Harpring Way" videos.

Anticipated Grade: Adulterous.

The Utah Jazz Follow Stephon Marbury to mythical lands

New York Knicks guard Stephon Marbury made an interesting claim the other day: he's going to move to Italy (he's been there once) in two years and play out the end of his career in the Italian league rather than play in the United States. He then compared himself to David Beckham "but without all the cheating on Posh Spice." Of course, he has important things to do in Italy. He's already talking about "spreading the Starbury movement to Italy." I can only presume the movement consists of the people wearing his $15 tennis shoes. For some reason I'm having problems picturing Italian teens wearing gaudy basketball shoes with their Armani suits. Although I suspect they'd be far more organized about stealing expensive shoes over there, maybe even make people a few offers they can't refuse.

In the midst of all this ridiculousness, however, Harpringsucks got to thinking "where are some of our favorite players going to play out their waning years?"

Derek Fisher: Liliput

Upside: Our favorite 6'1" shooting guard will only lose athleticism and quickness as time goes on. The solution? Go somewhere where even the tallest shooting guards are barely a foot high. It would be nigh impossible to get dunked on repeatedly or get your shot blocked by the players in the Liliputian league.

Downside: The risk of accidentally stepping on someone from the other team and crushing them is very high. That's a flagrant 5 foul. Additionally, the Liliputians play some stiff defense:


Rafael Arujao: Candy Land

Upside: The Rules are easy to remember. No playbook. Also "HOFFA LOVE CANDY!!!11!"

Downside: Outcome of the game is pre-determined when you sit down. You still have to have talent to get off the bench.

Ron Artest: Arkham Asylum

Upside: The walls are padded and comfortable. Your motives are unquestioned and you get all kinds of great medicine. One of the previous occupants even started dating his psychotherapist and she began to accompany him for all of his hilarious criminal hijinks. They even have an athletic department and I'm pretty sure Artest could shut down The Riddler's streetball-style game. Bodying up Killer Croc might be a problem though.

Downside: Your roommates suck, the food is awful, and you can't call yourself "Tru Warier" without a cool costume.

Andrei Kirilenko: Trail of Tears

Upside: Everyone will sympathize with your plight. You will be featured in Howard Zinn's people's history of the United States where he will demonize Jerry Sloan as your oppressor.

Downside: Forced relocation to Oklahoma. Yuck.

Oliver Miller: Burger King Kingdom

Upside: You get to be teammates with "Sir-Shakes-a-Lot" and "The Duke of Doubt."

Downside: Judging by the nicknames, this venue only hosts an And-1 Team. Also, the Franchise has been phased out since the mid 1980s.

John Amaechi: Neverland Ranch

I'm just going to stop right here before I go too far.

Gordan Giricek: Elbonia

Upside: Plenty of mud to smear on his emaciated features. Recently overthrew socialist government. Pigs have a role in the government, which shows signs of United States modelling.

Downside: Everyone has beards, even the women and infants. Seriously, the figures below are described as women:Additionally, the national bird is the frisbee and they are involved in a long-term nuclear conflict with a neighboring country.

Matt Harpring: Land of Oz

Upside: No one looks behind the curtain to see that (metaphorically) the emperor has no clothes. People will believe you're great and powerful, build you palaces, and sing your praises even if you have no actual power.

Downside: Ozsucks.com is already a registered domain name. Eventually the combined might of a little girl in red shoes (Gordan Giricek), a man made of tin (the injury prone Carlos Boozer), a lion who had courage all along (Paul Millsap) will dethrone you. Unfortunately right now the Scarecrow with no brain is the coach.

Free Agency Grades: Week Two

The key word in the second week of free agency: Panic!

With many of the top free agents off the board teams start to feel their biological clocks ticking and start trying to whore their money out while someone still wants it in hopes of marginally improving their team.

Similarly many of the mid-level free agents start panicking like the not-so-hot girls in high school during prom season. As all the money gets sucked away and teams are left with fewer exceptions and less money under the cap they start settling for less than perfect situations in order to do the best they can. This is especially true of older veterans who are seeking one last payday while they still have their looks skills. In the (paraphrased) words of the Bloodhound Gang" these older veterans are like dog doo, they older they get the easier they get to pick up.

This week desperate teams met desperate free agents and the action got hotter and heavier than the dancefloor on Elimidate. Let's get it on!

Rashard Lewis - Orlando Magic (renegotiated from $87 million/5 years to $110 million/6 years):

The only explanation is that the Magic are doing some sort of a new employee orientation/free prize giveaway. As far as I can tell the only incentive to pay him an extra $20 million+ when he's 34 AND give the Sonics a draft pick and an increidbly valuable trade exception after he'd already agreed to play for an overpriced contract is that the Sonics GM (Sam Presti) has naked photos of the entire Magic management team together. The biggest contracts in NBA history have now been given to Kevin Garnett (1 MVP, 10 All-Star appearances), Shaquille O'Neal (1 MVP, 14 All-Star appearances), and Rashard Lewis (1 All-star appearance). Read that last sentence again. Seriously. I haven't seen anything this confusing since I read that communications graduate thesis on the artistic meaning of FLCL. I can't even speak rationally about this. Let's just move on before I start trying to convince my boss to give me a raise even though my performance is mediocre and I have virtually no potential to get better.

Grade: F

Derek Fisher - Los Angeles Lakers ($14 million/3 years):

I've never seen an evil plan work this well since the days of Snidely Whiplash. I fully expect Mr. Fisher to grow a curly handlebar moustache next season to fully express his innate villany. By the way, the best to his daughter Tatum. I hear she's quite a looker.

Grade: Evil

Darko Milicic - Memphis Grizzlies ($21 million/3 years):

Darko Milicic, the #2 pick in the 2003 draft, has now been on as many teams as picks #3 -5 combined. At this point I'm going to be highly disappointed if he's not on at least 10 teams in his career. The only sad thing about Darko's career path is that he's actually trying to be respectable these days. I really miss it when we could watch Chad Ford, the guy who hyped him up to be a Ukrainian version of Allah and God combined, wince every time Darko did something stupid in America.

First there were the ridiculous earrings he got himself. Luckily he got the ear infections free. What a savvy shopper. Then there was the incredible feat of breaking his hand during the only 1.2 minutes of play he got in the Finals during his year with the Pistons. Ever since that fateful year he seems pretty much content to just collect his paycheck, go home, and try to be as unridiculous as possible. We don't approve of that kind of thing around here. Stephen Jackson was my favorite player of the playoffs for a reason, and it had nothing to do with being an upstanding moral citizen. Screw you Darko, I'm sure you'll find Memphis to be just like your native homeland, except with Isaac Haye's face everywhere instead of a hammer and sickle. Pinko.

Grade: Seditionistic

Morris Peterson - New Orleans/Oklahoma City Hornets ($23 million/4 years):

Morris Peterson has got to be pissed after he made the rare reverse contract push by starting to suck in a contract year. I'm stunned he didn't fire his agent and get Jason Kapono's. That guy is a frickin' genius.

I'm not quite sure what the Hornets are thinking here. Between last year's bizarre spending spree to get Peja Stojackovich and this year's Morris Peterson signing they must be banking on David West and Tyson Chandler suddenly developing an inside game. Otherwise they suddenly start looking about as strong on the inside as New Jersey and Orlando, and that barely works in the Eastern Conference much less the Western Conference.

I like to think this is some sort of evil conspiracy to waste Chris Paul's youth. Then in about five years we can read Sam Smith and Peter Vescey cook up lots of bogus trade rumors about him and destroy his confidence. But since he's the next Magic Johnson and all maybe I should take it easy on him, he's already slated to contract HIV and that's bad enough.

Grade: Diabolical.

There are a lot of free agents and those are frankly the most intresting ones, so from here on down we're going for quick hits.

Joe Smith: Congratulations to the Bulls. If you sign Kwame Brown, Michael Olowokandi, and find the remains of Pervis Ellison you can complete the whole set of disappointing #1 draft picks.

Devean George: I used to feel like we couldn't make fun of Devean George. Then I found out he didn't actually have a cleft palate, he's just ugly. For some reason I feel like it's ok to mock him now.

Matt Bonner: I'm convinced Scott Pollard just had plastic surgery and legally changed his name.

Jacque Vaughn: I love this signing for the Spurs. Jacque pioneered all sorts of underwater communication equipment and revolutionized the sea-based documentary. He'll really pack the seats in the arena with nature lovers and the intellectual elite. The only problem is he's been dead since 1997. That means he's only slightly more decomposed than Darrick Martin, who actually played time in the NBA last season for the Raptors.

Amir Johnson: Joe Dumars seems to love him. In all honestly I hear far more in the media about how much Dumars loves Amir than I do about how much he loves his wife. I wonder how she feels about that sort of thing.

Steve Blake: Glad to see that the "every team must have at least one American white guy" rule is still in effect. I can't wait to see what the NAACP has to say when Blake inexplicably takes Jarrett Jack's job in 6 months.

Jason Hart: You can't make a joke about this guy. His career is too irrelevant. It's like mocking a lifelong janitor for never doing anything with his life. Just too easy. Also my fellow blog members will probably get mad at me for saying that because we'll have turned off the all-important janitor demographic from our blog. In response I would like to remind them that they weren't coming here anyway because everyone knows that all janitors are illiterate.

Mikki Moore: He's like Darko but black and old. If only Chad Ford had told everyone about this guy a decade ago. He too could be a rich disappointment.

Maceo Baston: WHO?! Bryan Colangelo is just panning for gold at this point.

Caption this photo

I'm thinking this year's #1 draft pick might end up fathering more children than Shawn Kemp. Even though he's too sick to play basketball this week look what he's doing instead:

A ground rule: Please refrain from the obvious Blazing Saddles reference. We have taste here people.

Free Agency Grades: Week One

Just in case you were wondering, Harpringsucks is way better at evaluating how this week's free agent deals are going to pan out than about 30 NBA GMs. That's the principle that seems to guide all other media outlets when they report on sports, so we see no reason to break from tradition. On with the grades!

Rashard Lewis (Max Salary to Orlando/5 years)

This deal reflects the current logic of the new breed of Eastern Conference General Managers who appear to be looking at this year's playoffs and thinking "wow, the Cavaliers made the NBA finals. This means if we build a wholly mediocre team we might have a decent shot at making it out of our conference and earning the right to be pounded into a pulp in four games by whatever behemoth comes out of the Western Conference." This logic totally confounds me. It's sort of like trading ten years of your life to watch someone else have carnal relations with Jessica Alba. God knows I want to shell out millions of dollars to watch the Spurs party on my home-court. This signing in my mind is only indicative that the eastern conference has now acknowledged that they are playing for second place for the foreseeable future.

Orlando just paid max money to a guy who's made the all-star game all of once. That would be ok if he was some young up-and-coming star who was going to improve substantially over the course of his contract, but Lewis will be 28 by the time the season starts. That means we've probably seen what we're going to see out of him, and frankly this isn't the guy you give max money to; this is the guy you hope is the other team's best player. Poor Orlando Magic fans, they've had to suffer through the reigns of Grant Hill, Tracy McGrady, and Steve Francis in recent years and don't have a whole lot to show for it. I can only assume at this point they're riding Space Mountain over and over again in hopes the whiplash will make being an NBA fan in Orlando enjoyable.

Grade: F

Luke Walton ($30 million with the Lakers/6 years)

I can only assume that the Lakers front office was doing this just to moon Kobe Bryant. They just forked way too much money over for the son of a red headed step-child who speaks only in hyperbole. The worst part of this deal isn't even the cash, it's the number of years the Lakers just stuck themselves to a C-level talent. That's like dating a kind of hot dumb girl for a year and marrying her by default just because you couldn't find anyone better within ten feet. By the time this deal expires Phil Jackson will be on his tenth hip and Jerry Buss will probably be dead. Of course, maybe that's the plan. Buss is trying to screw the team in the long term so when a new owner gets ahold of the franchise they can't help but suffer through several years of mediocrity and Buss will look good in comparison. Interestingly I think that's also the legacy-making strategy of the current president.

Grade: F

Vince Carter ($61.8 million with New Jersey/4 years)

Like this guy needed any more reason not to care about anything. The last couple years he's downshifted from 3rd gear (and he hasn't been in fourth or fifth gear in several years) to 2nd. Next year I fully expect him to be eating pulled pork sandwiches on the bench, balloon to Shawn Kemp-esque weight, and shift his game into reverse.

In a weird way Vince Carter is the athlete I most identify with. If I could be that good without trying I don't think I'd care much either. I'm stunned he hasn't gotten endorsement deals from Prozac yet, no matter how much people complain about him he just cashes gigantic checks and doesn't care. If people said this much bad stuff about Andrei Kirilenko he'd be shriveled like a prune because he'd have cried out every bit of moisture in his entire body. I want to give this deal an F, but I like Vince, so:

Grade: D-

Grant Hill (Veteran's minimum to Phoenix/2 years)

Screw you Grant Hill. You played like 2 seasons total on your seven year contract for max money with Orlando and now you're turning around and taking a discount so you can play for the Suns. What's up for Act 2? Raping babies and supporting the Hitler Youth?

In all seriousness, I hope you break all the bones in your feet and ankles for about the ninth time and play all of 10 games for the Suns. The basketball karma gods demand it.

Grade: F. Even if it's great for the suns, I feel like supporting it would make me a worse person morally.

Matt Carroll ($27 million with Charlotte/6 years)

Charlotte's grand strategy: We haven't had a winning season yet, let's bring back all the same players we've been fooling around with these last few years and see if anything changes! Just to be clear, this is very close to the clinical definition of insanity. On the plus side, every time Michael Jordan does anything we get to see Rachel Nichols report on it with her hair curiously mussed. Last week I'm convinced she had a milk moustache while she reported on Jordan consulting pal Charles Oakley on what a prudent blackjack wager would be.

Matt Carroll is a 3 point specialist who doesn't play defense, doesn't rebound, doesn't do much of anything but sport a 5th grader's hair cut and shoot like there's no tomorrow. He's like a better Adam Morrison without the moustache. In other words this is what we can someday look forward to in the best case scenario out of Morris Almond.

Grade: G

Jason Kapono ($24 million to Toronto/4 years)

I'm hiring Jason Kapono's agent to represent me in pretty much every negotiation I'm ever involved in. The guy must be like Johnny Cochran and Jesus mixed with sugar. Out of respect for him, I'm giving this deal an A. (Psssst! Call me!)

Grade: A

Derek Fisher (Declares Independence)

This has already been covered ad nauseum on this site. I'm currently investigating what it would take to make the Jazz divorce Matt Harpring. Needless to say we're glad to see Mr. Fisher go. This is better than that time we got rid of an aging Jeff Malone and actually got a useful player back.

Grade: A+++

Impending signing of Morris Peterson by Utah

I'm sure you'll hear more about this next week.

Impending Grade: Holocaust

Celebrating Derek Fisher's Independence

Although the Jazz and Derek Fisher held their press conference on Monday to announce Fisher's departure from the team, and even took substantial steps to try and frame the decision as a negative thing by calling it a "divorce," we here at Harpringsucks believe that they jumped the gun and the press conference would have been best called today: Independence Day. Interestingly, I think that given the positive press Fisher has been receiving for the difficult decision to leave a city full of white mormons and John Amaechi in favor of Dallas, San Antonio, Phoenix or Los Angeles, Fisher here has played the part of the Americans with respect to the Jazz' evil repressive British. Hence, it may be useful to trace a history of the events which have led to Fisher's patriotic departure.

Initial flee to free exercise and practice of religion: The important thing to remember here is that Fisher used his well pooled resources of accumulated basketball "talent" and "skill" in order to leave the small town lifestyle of Arkansas-Little Rock behind. Since then Fisher has been a California boy playing only before crowds in Los Angeles and Oakland California where the people have been freely accepting of his alternative lifestyle. Those rumors about him giving Tyronne Lue and Jannero Pargo small-pox filled blankets in order to preserve his own playing time are unsubstantiated, but I think we can all agree that would be the Christian thing to do. Fisher planted his flag in California for himself, but like the colonists who foolishly accepted British help with security in exchange for declaring the land they had claimed part of the British Empire, Fisher was unable to secure a no-trade clause for himself and his family. This would later cause him to be forced to take desperate measures in order gain independence from his former oppressors.

Taxation without representation: Although Derek Fisher has put on a stoic face and bravely suffered through the Utah coaching staff's overuse of him, one should remember that he originally never consented to coming here in the first place. As the Deseret News indicated when he was initially traded, GM Kevin O'Connor had to console Mr. Fisher that he was going to be forced to peddle his wares in Salt Lake City. As Fisher himself said "I was pretty sure I was going someplace else ... I had my heart set on a couple of places." This initial gaffe by Utah management of deigning to trade for a man pursuant to his contract assignment clause in the standard player's contract set the stage for Derek Fisher's eventual struggle for independence.

1765 Stamp Act: In the original American revolution it was the enactment of the Stamp Act that caused Benjamin Franklin to insist that the colonies deserved special treatment to be exempted from taxes to finance wars in their territory to defend against the French and Indians. After all, they were fighting the war and the war was undertaken for their protection; why should they have to pay for it too! This eloquent speech in front of the Stamp Act Congress eventually led the British to cave and repeal the tax. In Fisher's case the time in which his lack of skill suddenly became cause for celebration occurred in the playoffs, where suddenly the return of a shooting guard who can't shoot sparked a spontaneous standing ovation. The last time I saw mediocrity celebrated in such extravagant form was the President's second inaugural ball.

Boston Massacre: This pretty much sums up the whole season. Derek Fisher at shooting guard was more painful than an abortion performed with a rusty shovel coated in turpentine.

Boston Tea Party: Faced with continued oppression, it seemed time that drastic steps had to be taken. In order to flee back to the relative serenity of California, where it appears Fisher may retreating to, Fisher was going to have to take drastic measures. Then, a stroke of luck, EYE CANCER! Hallelujah! Suddenly Fisher needed to go to another team in order to take advantage of better medical facilities. It seems Utah didn't have what Fisher needed for his daughter and he was going to have to undertake the "sacrifice" of leaving the team for the health of his family. Never mind the fact that the Moran Eye Center was only a few miles from his current place of employment, the marginal advantage of going somewhere else was so important he needed to leave. NOW. This is the true meaning of selflessness and patriotism. That he gets to live in California again is just a coincidental side benefit.

So during this holiday, I suggest you all take some time out of your day of hot dog eating, barbecuing, and pyromania to think about a true American hero: Derek Fisher. If only we could all evince the true American spirit the same way he does.

A Sad Day for HarpringSucks

On behalf of all posters at HarpringSucks, we would like to wish Derek Fisher's daughter a quick and full recovery and for the wind to always be at his back.

Thanks for the memories, Fisher. You will be missed.