Celebrating Derek Fisher's Independence

Although the Jazz and Derek Fisher held their press conference on Monday to announce Fisher's departure from the team, and even took substantial steps to try and frame the decision as a negative thing by calling it a "divorce," we here at Harpringsucks believe that they jumped the gun and the press conference would have been best called today: Independence Day. Interestingly, I think that given the positive press Fisher has been receiving for the difficult decision to leave a city full of white mormons and John Amaechi in favor of Dallas, San Antonio, Phoenix or Los Angeles, Fisher here has played the part of the Americans with respect to the Jazz' evil repressive British. Hence, it may be useful to trace a history of the events which have led to Fisher's patriotic departure.

Initial flee to free exercise and practice of religion: The important thing to remember here is that Fisher used his well pooled resources of accumulated basketball "talent" and "skill" in order to leave the small town lifestyle of Arkansas-Little Rock behind. Since then Fisher has been a California boy playing only before crowds in Los Angeles and Oakland California where the people have been freely accepting of his alternative lifestyle. Those rumors about him giving Tyronne Lue and Jannero Pargo small-pox filled blankets in order to preserve his own playing time are unsubstantiated, but I think we can all agree that would be the Christian thing to do. Fisher planted his flag in California for himself, but like the colonists who foolishly accepted British help with security in exchange for declaring the land they had claimed part of the British Empire, Fisher was unable to secure a no-trade clause for himself and his family. This would later cause him to be forced to take desperate measures in order gain independence from his former oppressors.

Taxation without representation: Although Derek Fisher has put on a stoic face and bravely suffered through the Utah coaching staff's overuse of him, one should remember that he originally never consented to coming here in the first place. As the Deseret News indicated when he was initially traded, GM Kevin O'Connor had to console Mr. Fisher that he was going to be forced to peddle his wares in Salt Lake City. As Fisher himself said "I was pretty sure I was going someplace else ... I had my heart set on a couple of places." This initial gaffe by Utah management of deigning to trade for a man pursuant to his contract assignment clause in the standard player's contract set the stage for Derek Fisher's eventual struggle for independence.

1765 Stamp Act: In the original American revolution it was the enactment of the Stamp Act that caused Benjamin Franklin to insist that the colonies deserved special treatment to be exempted from taxes to finance wars in their territory to defend against the French and Indians. After all, they were fighting the war and the war was undertaken for their protection; why should they have to pay for it too! This eloquent speech in front of the Stamp Act Congress eventually led the British to cave and repeal the tax. In Fisher's case the time in which his lack of skill suddenly became cause for celebration occurred in the playoffs, where suddenly the return of a shooting guard who can't shoot sparked a spontaneous standing ovation. The last time I saw mediocrity celebrated in such extravagant form was the President's second inaugural ball.

Boston Massacre: This pretty much sums up the whole season. Derek Fisher at shooting guard was more painful than an abortion performed with a rusty shovel coated in turpentine.

Boston Tea Party: Faced with continued oppression, it seemed time that drastic steps had to be taken. In order to flee back to the relative serenity of California, where it appears Fisher may retreating to, Fisher was going to have to take drastic measures. Then, a stroke of luck, EYE CANCER! Hallelujah! Suddenly Fisher needed to go to another team in order to take advantage of better medical facilities. It seems Utah didn't have what Fisher needed for his daughter and he was going to have to undertake the "sacrifice" of leaving the team for the health of his family. Never mind the fact that the Moran Eye Center was only a few miles from his current place of employment, the marginal advantage of going somewhere else was so important he needed to leave. NOW. This is the true meaning of selflessness and patriotism. That he gets to live in California again is just a coincidental side benefit.

So during this holiday, I suggest you all take some time out of your day of hot dog eating, barbecuing, and pyromania to think about a true American hero: Derek Fisher. If only we could all evince the true American spirit the same way he does.