With many of the top free agents off the board teams start to feel their biological clocks ticking and start trying to whore their money out while someone still wants it in hopes of marginally improving their team.
Similarly many of the mid-level free agents start panicking like the not-so-hot girls in high school during prom season. As all the money gets sucked away and teams are left with fewer exceptions and less money under the cap they start settling for less than perfect situations in order to do the best they can. This is especially true of older veterans who are seeking one last payday while they still have their
This week desperate teams met desperate free agents and the action got hotter and heavier than the dancefloor on Elimidate. Let's get it on!
Rashard Lewis - Orlando Magic (renegotiated from $87 million/5 years to $110 million/6 years):
The only explanation is that the Magic are doing some sort of a new employee orientation/free prize giveaway. As far as I can tell the only incentive to pay him an extra $20 million+ when he's 34 AND give the Sonics a draft pick and an increidbly valuable trade exception after he'd already agreed to play for an overpriced contract is that the Sonics GM (Sam Presti) has naked photos of the entire Magic management team together. The biggest contracts in NBA history have now been given to Kevin Garnett (1 MVP, 10 All-Star appearances), Shaquille O'Neal (1 MVP, 14 All-Star appearances), and Rashard Lewis (1 All-star appearance). Read that last sentence again. Seriously. I haven't seen anything this confusing since I read that communications graduate thesis on the artistic meaning of FLCL. I can't even speak rationally about this. Let's just move on before I start trying to convince my boss to give me a raise even though my performance is mediocre and I have virtually no potential to get better.
Grade: F
Derek Fisher - Los Angeles Lakers ($14 million/3 years):
I've never seen an evil plan work this well since the days of Snidely Whiplash.
I fully expect Mr. Fisher to grow a curly handlebar moustache next season to fully express his innate villany. By the way, the best to his daughter Tatum. I hear she's quite a looker.
I fully expect Mr. Fisher to grow a curly handlebar moustache next season to fully express his innate villany. By the way, the best to his daughter Tatum. I hear she's quite a looker.Grade: Evil
Darko Milicic - Memphis Grizzlies ($21 million/3 years):
Darko Milicic, the #2 pick in the 2003 draft, has now been on as many teams as picks #3 -5 combined. At this point I'm going to be highly disappointed if he's not on at least 10 teams in his career. The only sad thing about Darko's career path is that he's actually trying to be respectable these days. I really miss it when we could watch Chad Ford, the guy who hyped him up to be a Ukrainian version of Allah and God combined, wince every time Darko did something stupid in America.
First there were the ridiculous earrings he got himself. Luckily he got the ear infections free. What a savvy shopper. Then there was the incredible feat of breaking his hand during the only 1.2 minutes of play he got in the Finals during his year with the Pistons. Ever since that fateful year he seems pretty much content to just collect his paycheck, go home, and try to be as unridiculous as possible. We don't approve of that kind of thing around here. Stephen Jackson was my favorite player of the playoffs for a reason, and it had nothing to do with being an upstanding moral citizen. Screw you Darko, I'm sure you'll find Memphis to be just like your native homeland, except with Isaac Haye's face everywhere instead of a hammer and sickle. Pinko.
Grade: Seditionistic
Morris Peterson - New Orleans/Oklahoma City Hornets ($23 million/4 years):
Morris Peterson has got to be pissed after he made the rare reverse contract push by starting to suck in a contract year. I'm stunned he didn't fire his agent and get Jason Kapono's. That guy is a frickin' genius.
I'm not quite sure what the Hornets are thinking here. Between last year's bizarre spending spree to get Peja Stojackovich and this year's Morris Peterson signing they must be banking on David West and Tyson Chandler suddenly developing an inside game. Otherwise they suddenly start looking about as strong on the inside as New Jersey and Orlando, and that barely works in the Eastern Conference much less the Western Conference.
I like to think this is some sort of evil conspiracy to waste Chris Paul's youth. Then in about five years we can read Sam Smith and Peter Vescey cook up lots of bogus trade rumors about him and destroy his confidence. But since he's the next Magic Johnson and all maybe I should take it easy on him, he's already slated to contract HIV and that's bad enough.
Grade: Diabolical.
There are a lot of free agents and those are frankly the most intresting ones, so from here on down we're going for quick hits.
Joe Smith: Congratulations to the Bulls. If you sign Kwame Brown, Michael Olowokandi, and find the remains of Pervis Ellison you can complete the whole set of disappointing #1 draft picks.
Devean George: I used to feel like we couldn't make fun of Devean George. Then I found out he didn't actually have a cleft palate, he's just ugly. For some reason I feel like it's ok to mock him now.
Matt Bonner: I'm convinced Scott Pollard just had plastic surgery and legally changed his name.
Jacque Vaughn: I love this signing for the Spurs. Jacque pioneered all sorts of underwater communication equipment and revolutionized the sea-based documentary. He'll really pack the seats in the arena with nature lovers and the intellectual elite. The only problem is he's been dead since 1997. That means he's only slightly more decomposed than Darrick Martin, who actually played time in the NBA last season for the Raptors.
Amir Johnson: Joe Dumars seems to love him. In all honestly I hear far more in the media about how much Dumars loves Amir than I do about how much he loves his wife. I wonder how she feels about that sort of thing.
Steve Blake: Glad to see that the "every team must have at least one American white guy" rule is still in effect. I can't wait to see what the NAACP has to say when Blake inexplicably takes Jarrett Jack's job in 6 months.
Jason Hart: You can't make a joke about this guy. His career is too irrelevant. It's like mocking a lifelong janitor for never doing anything with his life. Just too easy. Also my fellow blog members will probably get mad at me for saying that because we'll have turned off the all-important janitor demographic from our blog. In response I would like to remind them that they weren't coming here anyway because everyone knows that all janitors are illiterate.
Mikki Moore: He's like Darko but black and old. If only Chad Ford had told everyone about this guy a decade ago. He too could be a rich disappointment.
Maceo Baston: WHO?! Bryan Colangelo is just panning for gold at this point.
4 comments:
It would be nice to have another Jazz fan-blog worth reading, keep it up!
That's good stuff.
Somehow you forgot to mention that LTV's boy Mo Williams just got $52 million from the Bucks for 6 years. And he deserved it too.
17.3 ppg, 6 apg, 4.8 rpb. 1.3 spg.
Oh yeah, 45% FG and 86% FT. Those shooting %s are provided for the jackasses at Jazzfanz who claimed Mo couldn't shoot. Where is your boy Raul these days? Ward ball in Spain. LTV was behind Mo from Day 1. The whole point of this post is to give myself credit in that regard. Additionally every pro-Raul and pro-Carlos poster at Jazzfanz can eat me.
Mo's contract came in shortly after I wrote it. He will be covered in week 3.
As a preview though it should be noted that Alonzo Mourning is upset with him for allegedly withdrawing a commitment to the Heat. Am I the only one who loves that Alonzo is now calling people out for quitting on a team he doesn't want to be a part of? I can only imagine how the fans in New Jersey and Toronto feel about that one.
Alonzo quiting...I know, I know it's serious...
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