Live Blog 2: Quarter the Last

- I miss tater

- Around the league: Goliath lost to Billy's little brother tonight, 110-99.

- I'm going to have to have our statistician check on this, but I'm fairly sure the Jazz lead the league in "Poking the Rebound Out of Bounds"

- "Modern Marvels" covering Noah's Ark. How cool would it be to have been one of only a handful of guys to survive a world catastrophe, then to have God tell you, in so many words "go ye forth, and get busy! We need more people, pronto!" only to have your excitement dashed by realizing that every female that survived is either your sister or your mom.

- Deron taking over. He realizes that it's up to him to re-populate the scoreboard. (Sorry, I had to pretend the last post was Jazz-related, somehow)

- Harpring with the layup. Turns around, scowls "let's go!" to the rest of his team. Grabs a rebound, and barrels down the court at full-shuffle, eventually throwing the ball off of his own teammate's foot.

- AK invisible here in the fourth quarter. Except to the "bench cam".

- Jazz take the lead. McMillan with that same confused look that he and his entire team had when Bryon Russell took over in the Jazz-Sonics Conference Finals. He's just waiting to wake up.

- 3 minutes left. Time to start taking bets on what will happen on the final play of the game. I'm guessing that with the game tied, AK gets in the game for defense, and the Jazz grab a rebound with 5 seconds left in the game. Sloan immediately calls a timeout to get Fisher back in the game.

- I think I just learned how to say "who, me?" in Croatian.

- 3 seconds left on the shot clock for Portland, Deron backs off Outlaw to let him have a more open shot. Must be an extension of the "shooting with the shot clock winding down is rash, and will result in bad things" theory. It works, as Outlaw misses, and Boozer gets free throws on the other end. Sloan is a visionary.

- Announcement: If this goes to overtime, tater is taking back over.

- Now I need to learn how to say "you suck" in Croatian.

- David about to get his lunch money stolen. Looks like tater is safe. For now.

- R.I.P., Corporal Andrei

I feel obligated to wrap up this debacle with some sort of conclusion. For inspiration, I'm switching back to the History Channel, where they are discussing candy. They ask "so where exactly DO companies like this find flavoring for 'dirt' and 'vomit' jelly beans?" I'm tired, so I'll insert some hilarious comment here later, tying the feeling I had for the last two hours of watching this game into the answer to that question. Until then, I bid you Harpring Sucks.

Live Blog Two: Half-time & Third Quarter

- After six quarters of dedicated service, tatermoog is stepping down from the live-blogging business, and handed me the reins. I feel like Phil Johnson: watching the master work for years, and wondering if I'll ever be able to fill his shoes. In the end, I'll probably just try to emulate his style and be exposed as a fraud in the process.

- I'm nervous. This must be how Giricek feels when he checks into a game, knowing that his every move is being scrutinized. Except in this case, no one is watching. Other than that...exactly the same.

- Bingo update: I just need a Harpring Football Reference or a Harpring Tripping Over Himself for the win. Even money on which one will happen first.

- Tater update: "Just found out they were Extra Strength Tylenol PM."

- Good thing History Channel went to commercial break. Didn't realize half-times were so short. Back just in time to watch Fisher miss a jumper, Bolerjack announce Boozer's "double-double", and the Jazz give up a three. Kind of like the "Jazz History Channel"

- Fisher hits a 20-footer. Jogs backwards down the court with the "been-there-done-that" expression on his face. Coach Sloan falls for it.

- AK with his fourth block of the night. Harp twitches nervously on the bench.

- I'm actually rather impressed by the size of the crowd tonight. It's not like there's nothing else to do in Portland. Or so I've heard.

- Missed the last five minutes changing a diaper and telling the baby to "please stop crying, because daddy is very busy right now" so I'm not quite sure what I've missed. But I see that Fisher is still in the game, so I'll go ahead and mark down a "Fisher WTF?" and a "ISJPD" on my bingo card.

- Down by six. To Portland. This bodes well for the playoffs. This would be kind of like David falling to the floor after getting kicked in the balls by Billy, the 11-year-old bully next door, the week before his rendez-vous with Goliath.

- Now down by ten. Bolerjack and Booner ignore the team's lack of success, choosing instead to be enthralled by the fact that Boozer is approaching a career high in rebounding. "I really think he can get it," says Boler. "Yeah," Boone adds.

LiveBlog Two: Second Quarter

I was getting a bit sleepy, but Harpring's hustle and hard play has re-energized both myself and the team. I feel young and supple, like the noble pine tree.

Actually, I feel like a sad death.

-Luke Schenscher is destined for the Jazz. He has Utah written all over him. They just need him to miss a few layups and call out a few teammates and he's a Sloan favorite.

Disclaimer: I think I used this joke last liveblog.

-Harpring has a nice block of a rebound into the front row of fans. Just spiked that ball.

-Portland Announcer: "Sergio ran over and got right in Deron's shorts, and Deron, sensing that, travelled." I think this guy needs to start being honest with himself.

-Jarron Collins blocked by Luke Schenschter. If I were Jarron, this would be the point where I would ask out of the game, go to the locker room, pack my bags, and start applying to various accounting firms.

-Who is this Sergio Rodriguez guy? I have a suspicion Raul Lopez just changed his name and re-joined an NBA team. I doubt anyone would recognize him, and if so, it would just be, "Hey, weren't you the guy that sat in the corner crying to yourself in Spanish?"

-6:30 minutes, no AK back in. I guess 2-6 shooting with 3 "steals" wherein the ball is basically handed to you with a nice card complimenting your douchebag-image-reinforcing haircut deserves additional minutes.

-Harp with his defensive-mode variation of the "woo", the "that-man-just-faked-me-out-and-is-going-to-embarrass-me-by-hitting-a-jump
shot-so-I'm-going-to-emit-a-wail-like-he-stole-my-purse" woo.

-I just phased out for five minutes. You didn't miss anything.

-Commercial for two matching "lady suits" for $88. Harp and Fisher hug each other while squealing in delight.

-On the scale of Entertainment Quality, this game has been a Bio-Dome.

-The combination of Tylenol PM, personal apathy, and the brilliance of this game has put me into a nearly comatose state. I hate to bail out on my fan, but...

Bordy's taking over.

This will be somewhat akin to Stockton coming back in for Eisley.

Live-Blog Two: Tylenol PM Edition (Intro and First Quarter)

So, as I sat down to start blogging the night's wondiferous game, I realized I was feeling the onset of a headache.

A headache! I said to my brain. You can't live-blog with a headache! Such things are not done!

True, true, replied my brain in Spanish, but you can always take a Tylenol.

My brain had never steered me wrong before--save for El Salvador--so I followed its advice and took two Tylenols. Unfortunately, I didn't look at the bottle, and it turned out they were Tylenol PM. Right now, I can feel the little particles of sleep radiating from the pills and spreading throughout my extremities. As a result, I am rapidly becoming very sleepy and somewhat delirious. Unfortunately, I am starting to believe that it will become a theme that every time I live-blog something unusual and unpleasant will occur to me. By the time the playoffs roll around, I will be live-blogging naked with possums attached to my nipples.

But I shall prevail.

In fact, I am going to issue a preemptive strike and preview the game before Boler and Boone can put their own delightful booze-flavored spin on it.

Tater's Keys to the Game:

• Points: the Jazz must score points.
• Rebounds: the Jazz must get rebounds.
• Defense: the Jazz probably should play defense.

If the Jazz follow those Keys to the Game, they might actually win. If they don't, they might still win anyways. Because they're playing the Blazers, who have used the following Key to the Game for the last decade:

Portland's Key to the Game

• Please don't get arrested.

And so far, they have a 72% success rate!

The rest of the storylines are readily apparent:

• how much will Harpring suck?
  
• how much will Fisher suck?
• will Sloan finally unleash his Brown/Fisher/Harpring/Collins/Hoffa lineup?
• will the game be interesting enough to keep me from live-blogging the Game Show Network?
• WILL THIS DAMNED BUZZING IN MY LEFT EAR GO AWAY?

We will see.

-Don't forget to print out your Bordy Bingo card. I have "Harpring Raised Arm" in the corner. Money in the bank.

-First line of the Portland broadcast: "April's a tough month to be short-handed." I know, most teams thrive being short-handed in all the other months. Frickin' April.

...it occurs to me it's going to be a very long night.

-"The Utah Jazz, they don't have to be motivated, they're in the playoffs, they're good to go." Is Bolerjack guesting on the Portland Feed? What the heck? I will say I approve of their choice of a hip-hop song with what sounds like a third-chair seventh-grade trumpet player noodling away on top for highlight videos. Rappers have kids, too.

-For those scoring at home, there has been an executive decision: Bordy Bingo does not--repeat, NOT--allow the "four corners" victory.

-Raef LaFrentz has been chosen as Portland's "X-Factor" for the night. As a tangent, Raef LaFrentz would be a horrible member of X-Factor.

-Two minutes into the game and Memo suddenly has the realization that he was supposed to jump for the tip.

-Every single opposing announcer likes to mention that the Jazz aren't afraid to be physical and lead the league in fouls. I never realized fouls were so awesome. Heck, the Jazz are GOOD at fouling, why not just stick with that for their modus operandi? FOUL THEM INTO SUBMISSION.

-I was gonna make a joke about Raef LaFrentz and Jamaal Magloire being the most Canadian frontline possible, but then I realized Raef isn't Canadian. He damned well should be.

-Rash decision by Deron Williams leads to a fast-break basket by Portland, leading to Sloan yelling at Williams. "WHY DIDN'T YOU JUST ROLL IT OUT OF BOUNDS?"

-LaFrentz just blew by Boozer and Okur. I'm sure it wasn't for lack of effort on their part.

Ellipsis.

-Bingo point for missed AK three-pointer. One of the only points to result from an AK 3-point attempt.

-Inside Fisher's Mind: "I'm open I'm open I'm open I'm open I'm open" *knocked down by pick* "I'm open I'm open" *ball is turned over to other team* "I'm open I'm open I'm open."

-There's an electricity to the sparse Blazers' crowd. I think they're ready for Team Excitement to enter. I know I am, I'm running low on Bingo points.

-Harpring enters the game, Portland announcer: "And that's Matt Harpring, he'll pound you as hard as anyone." Fisher gives the announcer a knowing look.

-Portland leading Utah in fouls 8-to-1. Utah can't even do THAT right any more. Oh, speaking of which, 21-18, Utah.

-Harp plays the passing lanes like the seasoned veteran that he is. Oh, wait. They just passed it to him under the basket. And he didn't even have to wave his arm and yell WOO.

-Harp: "Collins just missed that shot I've got the ball easy layup and WATER MOCCASINS!"

Percentages

From SLTrib:

Yep, it's all discipline. And Sloan doesn't intend to let up on that message. Take, for instance, when an opposing defense disrupts one of Utah's plays. The clock runs down below five, the ball winds up in the wrong hands, and a 20-foot prayer is the only choice. Right?
He's said it before, but Sloan reiterated over the weekend: Rash decisions are the most costly ones. And he expects his team to have the self-control to avoid them.
"We have to stay within our offense and take decent shots, even if the 24-second clock runs out," Sloan said. "If we don't, it's a fast break at the other end of the floor."

To be honest, I can't think of any intelligent commentary on this. When I read it, my first thought was: "Guh!" Then my eyes sprayed blood on the computer screen. But, as an attempt, three thoughts:

• Rash decisions are the costly ones? I can't think of anyone that would say shooting before the shot clock runs out is a rash decision except for our Coach of the Year here.
• If you're saying "stay within your offense for decent shots even if the shot clock runs out," you either need to redefine your concept of a "decent shot" or find a better offense to run. If you have the team so frightened of shooting the ball for 24 seconds because the shot isn't "decent" enough, I doubt you're going to make up for it by awesome set defense. Speaking of which...
• The problem here, apparently, isn't the offense, it's the fact the Jazz suck at fast break defense. If your solution to that problem is to cripple the offense, well...bad shots didn't start the fire, to borrow from Bordy.
• And my third point: the Jazz's SET defense sucks. Teams get secondary fast breaks on the Jazz 15 seconds into their shot clock. In other words, letting the other team have the ball so you can defend them better at the risk of losing two-to-three points on the other end is not a good move percentage-wise. Which leads to...

And that means easy baskets. The percentages say, take the turnover, Sloan emphasized. "At least I get my team set. You take a bad shot, you don't get your team set to defend at the other end of the floor. I'd rather have them set up. . . . I don't think our big guys are going to beat somebody off the dribble 20 feet from the basket."

*squirts blood*

I will give Coach of the Year five dollars and a coupon to Toys'R'Us if he lets us know what percentages he's using. My guess is that stat sheet was a piece of construction paper and the percentages were written on it in crayon.

The Inquiry (Part 2)

Day 2.

Lead Investigator: Gentlemen. We reconvene today to hear from Private First Class Millsap his story of what happened to his squad of seven brave young men from Utah Jazz Company. PFC Millsap is here today, along with General Sloan. 1st Lieutenant Okur, from the first squad, is also in attendance. Before we hear from PFC Millsap, we would like for General Sloan to discuss the second squad of his company. General Sloan, please proceed.

General Sloan: Thank you. Our company is made up of two squads, the lead squad, which is the first into the skirmish, and the second squad, which gives support to the first squad. The second squad sometimes fights so hard that it's hard for me to call them back. We have some real tough guys on that squad that I think the world of. We also have some guys who probably shouldn't see much action. Unfortunately, I had to throw them in there. We can't just put them in the reserves. They aren't weekend warriors.

Second Investigator: Were these men properly trained by you and ready for action?

General Sloan: Some of them were. Some of them are just too young to trust.

Lead Investigator: Private Millsap, please tell us about your squad.

PFC Millsap: Yes sir. We had eight guys in our squad, but Private Brewer was held back by General Sloan. That didn't bother Private Brewer because he would rather protect the fort. So the seven guys in our squad were me, Private First Class Brown, Lance Corporal Miles, Corporal Chuck, Private Hafa, Sgt. Collins, and Captain Harpring.

Third Investigator: You are the only one who saw any action that survived. To what do you attribute this?

PFC Millsap: Sir, it was just hard work. All my life, I been told that I'm too slow, too short, too this, too that. So I just outwork people. My hard work paid off and I just went out there and got everything I could. I don't need a weapon, either. Just my handy jackknife. The enemy would come at us, but I'd just block them away. I am not afraid of contact.

Third Investigator: Impressive.

Lead Investigator: Private Millsap, what happened to Private First Class Brown?

PFC Millsap: Sir, Private Brown was the guy who held us together. He was a real good guy. He was a little guy. And fasssst. He did everything fast. He ran fast and he shot fast. He wasn't much of a shooter, though, but that didn't stop him from trying. The funny thing was that one time, one of his shots ricocheted off a wall, and hit a clock. Stopped it at 48 after. After that, we started calling him Private Errant Ricochet 48, or PER 48 for short. PER 48 took his nickname to heart and tried to do everything as quickly as he could. This is what killed him.

Lead Investigator: How did trying to do things quickly kill him?

PFC Millsap: The night before the battle, Private Brown joined a bunch of us to blow off some steam. He drank a lot. We figured at least eight drinks. When we were sent into the action, there was no way that Private Brown was sober. He sat down, took out his weapon, and looked like he was playing a video game. The enemy easily took him out, but not before Private Brown got off a couple of shots.

Lead Investigator: Was Private Brown able to take out the enemy?

PFC Millsap: No sir. PER 48 was not a good shot when he was sober, but when he was drunk, he was just dangerous. His wild shots took out Lance Corporal Miles, who in the heat of battle, had begun to panic. Corporal Miles' wild shot took out Private Brown. It's obvious that neither was ready for battle.

Lead Investigator: My God. The two men took out each other?

PFC Millsap: Yes sir. Neither could shoot worth a darn. We always thought they would put an eye out. Just not each other's.

Lead Investigator: What about Private Hafa?

PFC Millsap: Private Hafa was the biggest, meanest, toughest guy you ever saw. Problem was, he was as big as a tank and just as graceful. He went in and immediately was pulled out for being reckless. He came back and took a rest. Finally, he just went back in and started to take the enemy with his bare hands. He was swinging elbows, just a man possessed.

Lead Investigator: So what happened?

PFC Millsap: I'm not real sure. I mean, I saw it, but it's hard to explain.

Second Investigator: Private, you are under oath. Please try to tell us what happened to Private Hafa.

PFC Millsap: Well sir, Private Hafa liked to show off his arms. He was proud of them and proud of his tattoos. Well, while he was out there, battling, suddenly it looked like his tattoos were magically erased. It stopped him in his tracks. He was a sitting duck at that point and the enemy took him out.

Third Investigator: What do you mean his tattoos were erased?

PFC Millsap: I told you it was hard to explain. It was as if they were airbrushed from existence.

Second Investigator: That sounds a bit far-fetched. What about Corporal Chuck?

PFC Millsap: Corporal Chuck was a great shooter if he could sit there and not move, but if he began to move, nothing good was going to happen for us. He and General Sloan were always bickering about something or other. Sometimes, Corporal Chuck could go out there and do everything asked of him but too often, he tried to do things his way and they usually backfired.

Third Investigator: And this is what happened? He went away from what the squad was doing?

PFC Millsap: No sir. Corporal Chuck dropped dead before the action really started.

Lead Investigator: Ah, yes. I have his autopsy report right here. Says he died from a combination of injuries, but mostly, hurt feelings. Had hurt feelings not done him in, apparently he had a massive hair infection that probably would have exploded his head like a giant pimple. Corporal Chuck was not meant to be a Utah Jazz man. Surprised he lasted as long as he did. What about Sgt. Collins. What happened to him?

PFC Millsap: Sgt. Collins had no discernible skills and too often got in the way. Finally, we found a use for him. Meals.

Lead Investigator: You had Sgt. Collins cooking for you?

PFC Millsap: No sir. We got hungry so we ate him. He was just as tender as we imagined.

Lead Investigator: Good Lord! What about Captain Harpring?

PFC Millsap: He helped eat Sgt. Collins, too.

Lead Investigator: No, Private. I mean what happened to Captain Harpring?

PFC Millsap: Captain Harpring was a tough guy. He used to be a football player. He liked to go around flexing his muscles.

Second Investigator: Did the men in your squad like Captain Harpring?

PFC Millsap: That's tough to say. Captain Harpring kept to himself a lot. He had a horse he liked to ride and he spent a lot of time with her. And I mean a lot of time. When Corporal Andrei was a captain, he and Captain Harpring were always competing. Just before Corporal Andrei was busted down, he and Captain Harpring had a disagreement. Before long, they were arguing, but all I heard was Capt, I mean Corporal Andrei say "and the horse you rode in on". And then he flung manure at Captain Harpring, hitting him in the eye. From that point on, whenever Captain Harpring would see Corporal Andrei, he would glare at him. We called it "The Stinkeye". It was a really cold look.

Third Investigator: So what happened to Captain Harpring?

PFC Millsap: Um....I don't know.

Lead Investigator: Private, you are under oath. Let me remind you of that.

PFC Millsap: Okay. Captain Harpring went out to battle. The enemy was rushing in and I looked over and Captain Harpring was falling down. He was not shot. He did not trip. He was just falling down. I held the enemy off, and as they were retreating, I looked over and saw the captain raising his arm. I did not know what he was doing, but I called over to him that I needed him to give me cover. He got in position to give me cover, and then suddenly dashed toward our objective. No way was I able to do anything after that. I looked at him, but all he could do was raise his arm and yell "WOOT!" He was right there at the objective. I saw him them take out a grenade, pull the pin, and then throw it. He missed the objective. He turned and looked at me and you know what he did?

Lead Investigator: No, Private.

PFC Millsap: He gave me The Stinkeye. He then fell down.

Lead Investigator: And then what happened.

PFC Millsap: He got up and started shuffling back toward us. Gave us The Stinkeye again. I shot his Stink Eye giving, WOOT yelling, no cover giving, falling down for no reason shufflin' ass. Shot his ass dead. I walked over to him, looked down, and then his right arm came up and stayed there. Captain Harpring was buried with his right arm raised.

Lead Investigator: You killed your Captain?! After all he did for you?

PFC Millsap: Yes sir.

Lead Investigator: General Sloan, did you know there was so much animosity toward Captain Harpring?

General Sloan: This has been the hardest year ever. I was too busy trying to do my job. I can't worry about all that other stuff. The guys like to know when they are going in, so I try to be consistent. If I change things up, they would not know what to do, so I do things the same way I always do them. Guys who have been around or go hard, I let them see a lot of action. Young guys, I try to hold back. I had a young guy one time who was a real hot shot. I let him see a lot of action. Looking back, it was a mistake. I don't think he ever got better, so now I hold back the young guys as much as possible.

Lead Investigator: But the young guys are the future of the squad.

General Sloan: The future? I can't worry about the future, I have to worry about today.

Lead Investigator: Noted. Okay, I think I have heard all that I need to hear. It is apparent to me that some of these men were ready for all that was thrown at them, but many were not. It is the job of the officers to prepare the men for battle and I am not sure that was done this time. So, General Sloan, I am giving you and Col.Johnson and Major Corbin and Major Layden a few more years to do what you do.

General Sloan: Thank you, Investigator Miller.

Lead Investigator: Thank you, General Sloan. And thank you, Investigator O'Connor and Investigator Haslem for your assistance. Better luck next time.

Harpring Sucks.

Rebounds Didn't Start the Fire

Suppose that, one evening, you wanted to roast some marshmallows. Too lazy to do the whole "camping outdoors" scene, you build an impromptu fire pit in your living room. A good time is had by all as the marshmallows flow like wine. You decide to let the fire burn itself out, as you don't want to deal with the hassle of the smoky mess that would ensue if you were to douse it with water. Then, remembering that you'll need to mow the lawn tomorrow, and also remembering that your containers of gasoline have been stored in your icy-cool shed, you think it prudent to bring said containers inside to "de-ice" them near the fire. Finally, in a visionary move, you seize this rare opportunity to throw that stack of newspapers -- which had been previously slated for retirement in a nearby recycling bin -- squarely on the fire. You head off to bed for a well-deserved night of rest, but not before setting the meth lab in your basement to "auto-pilot".

The next morning, as fire inspectors are pressing for clues, you suggest that "the big problem here is that the house was largely constructed with wood. Studies show that 94% of the time when a house burns down, it was built with some sort of flammable material."

Every game night we hear the same old clichés. "We need to go out and grab the boards tonight if we want to win." "We got out-rebounded tonight, and it's hard to win games when that happens." "The key stat is that the Jazz had five less rebounds than their opponent tonight." "Rebounding IS defense."

Such was the rhetoric following the Spurs game. Obviously if you don't get rebounds, you don't have the ball. And if you don't have the ball, then you can't score points. And if you can't score points, then your only hope is that neither can Houston, err, your opponent. So obviously the Jazz need to work on rebounding, right? After all, studies show that 94% of the time when the Jazz lose, they were out-rebounded.

If it's not blatantly obvious by this point that the answer is going to be "no, you moron!", then please stop reading this article, and start from the beginning of the harpringsucks blog.

The Spurs, indeed, did manage six more rebounds than the Jazz on Friday. Forty to the Jazz' thirty-four, to be exact. It can be, should be, and WAS assumed that the Spurs beat the Jazz on second-chance points from offensive boards. In fact, the Spurs had nine offensive rebounds to the Jazz' paltry...nine? What the...HOW...IS...THIS...POSSIBLE? So the Spurs had six more defensive rebounds than the Jazz? I don't get it.

Enter the marshmallows. Could it be a possibility...I mean, should we even consider that...no, couldn't be. But just for fun, let's hypothesize that potentially, just maybe, those six extra rebounds came as a result of the Jazz missing more shots than the Spurs. I know, I know, I'm crazy. The Jazz missed 44 shots on Friday (shooting 43%), while the Spurs missed only 36 (52%). So one could conclude that a big part of the Jazz' loss was that they didn't hit as many shots as they should have, and allowed the Spurs to hit more shots than they should have, resulting in a rebounding gap. Did the Jazz lose because they sucked at rebounding? As Balki would say, "don't be ridiculous" [laughter].

Did someone say that the Jazz missed Harpring's presence? Oh right, just about everyone said that. I guess if Matt would have played in that game, the Jazz would have scored 11 more points
and had 4 more rebounds, since, logically, those are his averages. Poppycock. The Jazz missed Harpring's rebounding about as much as they missed CJ's poise and Araujo's gracefulness. Harpring would have only helped the team had he gone 7-8 from the floor, passed the ball well, passed the ball at all, or played defense. In other words, he would have only helped the team had he not been himself.

Next time you decide to blame the kindling for being in the way of the spark, first think to yourself "what would bordelais7 say?"