A headache! I said to my brain. You can't live-blog with a headache! Such things are not done!
True, true, replied my brain in Spanish, but you can always take a Tylenol.
My brain had never steered me wrong before--save for El Salvador--so I followed its advice and took two Tylenols. Unfortunately, I didn't look at the bottle, and it turned out they were Tylenol PM. Right now, I can feel the little particles of sleep radiating from the pills and spreading throughout my extremities. As a result, I am rapidly becoming very sleepy and somewhat delirious. Unfortunately, I am starting to believe that it will become a theme that every time I live-blog something unusual and unpleasant will occur to me. By the time the playoffs roll around, I will be live-blogging naked with possums attached to my nipples.
But I shall prevail.
In fact, I am going to issue a preemptive strike and preview the game before Boler and Boone can put their own delightful booze-flavored spin on it.
Tater's Keys to the Game:
- Points: the Jazz must score points.
- Rebounds: the Jazz must get rebounds.
- Defense: the Jazz probably should play defense.
If the Jazz follow those Keys to the Game, they might actually win. If they don't, they might still win anyways. Because they're playing the Blazers, who have used the following Key to the Game for the last decade:
Portland's Key to the Game
- Please don't get arrested.
And so far, they have a 72% success rate!
The rest of the storylines are readily apparent:
-Don't forget to print out your Bordy Bingo card. I have "Harpring Raised Arm" in the corner. Money in the bank.
-First line of the Portland broadcast: "April's a tough month to be short-handed." I know, most teams thrive being short-handed in all the other months. Frickin' April.
...it occurs to me it's going to be a very long night.
-"The Utah Jazz, they don't have to be motivated, they're in the playoffs, they're good to go." Is Bolerjack guesting on the Portland Feed? What the heck? I will say I approve of their choice of a hip-hop song with what sounds like a third-chair seventh-grade trumpet player noodling away on top for highlight videos. Rappers have kids, too.
-For those scoring at home, there has been an executive decision: Bordy Bingo does not--repeat, NOT--allow the "four corners" victory.
-Raef LaFrentz has been chosen as Portland's "X-Factor" for the night. As a tangent, Raef LaFrentz would be a horrible member of X-Factor.
-Two minutes into the game and Memo suddenly has the realization that he was supposed to jump for the tip.
-Every single opposing announcer likes to mention that the Jazz aren't afraid to be physical and lead the league in fouls. I never realized fouls were so awesome. Heck, the Jazz are GOOD at fouling, why not just stick with that for their modus operandi? FOUL THEM INTO SUBMISSION.
-I was gonna make a joke about Raef LaFrentz and Jamaal Magloire being the most Canadian frontline possible, but then I realized Raef isn't Canadian. He damned well should be.
-Rash decision by Deron Williams leads to a fast-break basket by Portland, leading to Sloan yelling at Williams. "WHY DIDN'T YOU JUST ROLL IT OUT OF BOUNDS?"
-LaFrentz just blew by Boozer and Okur. I'm sure it wasn't for lack of effort on their part.
Ellipsis.
-Bingo point for missed AK three-pointer. One of the only points to result from an AK 3-point attempt.
-Inside Fisher's Mind: "I'm open I'm open I'm open I'm open I'm open" *knocked down by pick* "I'm open I'm open" *ball is turned over to other team* "I'm open I'm open I'm open."
-There's an electricity to the sparse Blazers' crowd. I think they're ready for Team Excitement to enter. I know I am, I'm running low on Bingo points.
-Harpring enters the game, Portland announcer: "And that's Matt Harpring, he'll pound you as hard as anyone." Fisher gives the announcer a knowing look.
-Portland leading Utah in fouls 8-to-1. Utah can't even do THAT right any more. Oh, speaking of which, 21-18, Utah.
-Harp plays the passing lanes like the seasoned veteran that he is. Oh, wait. They just passed it to him under the basket. And he didn't even have to wave his arm and yell WOO.
-Harp: "Collins just missed that shot I've got the ball easy layup and WATER MOCCASINS!"
The rest of the storylines are readily apparent:
- how much will Harpring suck?
- how much will Fisher suck?
- will Sloan finally unleash his Brown/Fisher/Harpring/Collins/Hoffa lineup?
- will the game be interesting enough to keep me from live-blogging the Game Show Network?
- WILL THIS DAMNED BUZZING IN MY LEFT EAR GO AWAY?
-Don't forget to print out your Bordy Bingo card. I have "Harpring Raised Arm" in the corner. Money in the bank.
-First line of the Portland broadcast: "April's a tough month to be short-handed." I know, most teams thrive being short-handed in all the other months. Frickin' April.
...it occurs to me it's going to be a very long night.
-"The Utah Jazz, they don't have to be motivated, they're in the playoffs, they're good to go." Is Bolerjack guesting on the Portland Feed? What the heck? I will say I approve of their choice of a hip-hop song with what sounds like a third-chair seventh-grade trumpet player noodling away on top for highlight videos. Rappers have kids, too.
-For those scoring at home, there has been an executive decision: Bordy Bingo does not--repeat, NOT--allow the "four corners" victory.
-Raef LaFrentz has been chosen as Portland's "X-Factor" for the night. As a tangent, Raef LaFrentz would be a horrible member of X-Factor.
-Two minutes into the game and Memo suddenly has the realization that he was supposed to jump for the tip.
-Every single opposing announcer likes to mention that the Jazz aren't afraid to be physical and lead the league in fouls. I never realized fouls were so awesome. Heck, the Jazz are GOOD at fouling, why not just stick with that for their modus operandi? FOUL THEM INTO SUBMISSION.
-I was gonna make a joke about Raef LaFrentz and Jamaal Magloire being the most Canadian frontline possible, but then I realized Raef isn't Canadian. He damned well should be.
-Rash decision by Deron Williams leads to a fast-break basket by Portland, leading to Sloan yelling at Williams. "WHY DIDN'T YOU JUST ROLL IT OUT OF BOUNDS?"
-LaFrentz just blew by Boozer and Okur. I'm sure it wasn't for lack of effort on their part.
Ellipsis.
-Bingo point for missed AK three-pointer. One of the only points to result from an AK 3-point attempt.
-Inside Fisher's Mind: "I'm open I'm open I'm open I'm open I'm open" *knocked down by pick* "I'm open I'm open" *ball is turned over to other team* "I'm open I'm open I'm open."
-There's an electricity to the sparse Blazers' crowd. I think they're ready for Team Excitement to enter. I know I am, I'm running low on Bingo points.
-Harpring enters the game, Portland announcer: "And that's Matt Harpring, he'll pound you as hard as anyone." Fisher gives the announcer a knowing look.
-Portland leading Utah in fouls 8-to-1. Utah can't even do THAT right any more. Oh, speaking of which, 21-18, Utah.
-Harp plays the passing lanes like the seasoned veteran that he is. Oh, wait. They just passed it to him under the basket. And he didn't even have to wave his arm and yell WOO.
-Harp: "Collins just missed that shot I've got the ball easy layup and WATER MOCCASINS!"
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