The Inquiry (Part 2)

Day 2.

Lead Investigator: Gentlemen. We reconvene today to hear from Private First Class Millsap his story of what happened to his squad of seven brave young men from Utah Jazz Company. PFC Millsap is here today, along with General Sloan. 1st Lieutenant Okur, from the first squad, is also in attendance. Before we hear from PFC Millsap, we would like for General Sloan to discuss the second squad of his company. General Sloan, please proceed.

General Sloan: Thank you. Our company is made up of two squads, the lead squad, which is the first into the skirmish, and the second squad, which gives support to the first squad. The second squad sometimes fights so hard that it's hard for me to call them back. We have some real tough guys on that squad that I think the world of. We also have some guys who probably shouldn't see much action. Unfortunately, I had to throw them in there. We can't just put them in the reserves. They aren't weekend warriors.

Second Investigator: Were these men properly trained by you and ready for action?

General Sloan: Some of them were. Some of them are just too young to trust.

Lead Investigator: Private Millsap, please tell us about your squad.

PFC Millsap: Yes sir. We had eight guys in our squad, but Private Brewer was held back by General Sloan. That didn't bother Private Brewer because he would rather protect the fort. So the seven guys in our squad were me, Private First Class Brown, Lance Corporal Miles, Corporal Chuck, Private Hafa, Sgt. Collins, and Captain Harpring.

Third Investigator: You are the only one who saw any action that survived. To what do you attribute this?

PFC Millsap: Sir, it was just hard work. All my life, I been told that I'm too slow, too short, too this, too that. So I just outwork people. My hard work paid off and I just went out there and got everything I could. I don't need a weapon, either. Just my handy jackknife. The enemy would come at us, but I'd just block them away. I am not afraid of contact.

Third Investigator: Impressive.

Lead Investigator: Private Millsap, what happened to Private First Class Brown?

PFC Millsap: Sir, Private Brown was the guy who held us together. He was a real good guy. He was a little guy. And fasssst. He did everything fast. He ran fast and he shot fast. He wasn't much of a shooter, though, but that didn't stop him from trying. The funny thing was that one time, one of his shots ricocheted off a wall, and hit a clock. Stopped it at 48 after. After that, we started calling him Private Errant Ricochet 48, or PER 48 for short. PER 48 took his nickname to heart and tried to do everything as quickly as he could. This is what killed him.

Lead Investigator: How did trying to do things quickly kill him?

PFC Millsap: The night before the battle, Private Brown joined a bunch of us to blow off some steam. He drank a lot. We figured at least eight drinks. When we were sent into the action, there was no way that Private Brown was sober. He sat down, took out his weapon, and looked like he was playing a video game. The enemy easily took him out, but not before Private Brown got off a couple of shots.

Lead Investigator: Was Private Brown able to take out the enemy?

PFC Millsap: No sir. PER 48 was not a good shot when he was sober, but when he was drunk, he was just dangerous. His wild shots took out Lance Corporal Miles, who in the heat of battle, had begun to panic. Corporal Miles' wild shot took out Private Brown. It's obvious that neither was ready for battle.

Lead Investigator: My God. The two men took out each other?

PFC Millsap: Yes sir. Neither could shoot worth a darn. We always thought they would put an eye out. Just not each other's.

Lead Investigator: What about Private Hafa?

PFC Millsap: Private Hafa was the biggest, meanest, toughest guy you ever saw. Problem was, he was as big as a tank and just as graceful. He went in and immediately was pulled out for being reckless. He came back and took a rest. Finally, he just went back in and started to take the enemy with his bare hands. He was swinging elbows, just a man possessed.

Lead Investigator: So what happened?

PFC Millsap: I'm not real sure. I mean, I saw it, but it's hard to explain.

Second Investigator: Private, you are under oath. Please try to tell us what happened to Private Hafa.

PFC Millsap: Well sir, Private Hafa liked to show off his arms. He was proud of them and proud of his tattoos. Well, while he was out there, battling, suddenly it looked like his tattoos were magically erased. It stopped him in his tracks. He was a sitting duck at that point and the enemy took him out.

Third Investigator: What do you mean his tattoos were erased?

PFC Millsap: I told you it was hard to explain. It was as if they were airbrushed from existence.

Second Investigator: That sounds a bit far-fetched. What about Corporal Chuck?

PFC Millsap: Corporal Chuck was a great shooter if he could sit there and not move, but if he began to move, nothing good was going to happen for us. He and General Sloan were always bickering about something or other. Sometimes, Corporal Chuck could go out there and do everything asked of him but too often, he tried to do things his way and they usually backfired.

Third Investigator: And this is what happened? He went away from what the squad was doing?

PFC Millsap: No sir. Corporal Chuck dropped dead before the action really started.

Lead Investigator: Ah, yes. I have his autopsy report right here. Says he died from a combination of injuries, but mostly, hurt feelings. Had hurt feelings not done him in, apparently he had a massive hair infection that probably would have exploded his head like a giant pimple. Corporal Chuck was not meant to be a Utah Jazz man. Surprised he lasted as long as he did. What about Sgt. Collins. What happened to him?

PFC Millsap: Sgt. Collins had no discernible skills and too often got in the way. Finally, we found a use for him. Meals.

Lead Investigator: You had Sgt. Collins cooking for you?

PFC Millsap: No sir. We got hungry so we ate him. He was just as tender as we imagined.

Lead Investigator: Good Lord! What about Captain Harpring?

PFC Millsap: He helped eat Sgt. Collins, too.

Lead Investigator: No, Private. I mean what happened to Captain Harpring?

PFC Millsap: Captain Harpring was a tough guy. He used to be a football player. He liked to go around flexing his muscles.

Second Investigator: Did the men in your squad like Captain Harpring?

PFC Millsap: That's tough to say. Captain Harpring kept to himself a lot. He had a horse he liked to ride and he spent a lot of time with her. And I mean a lot of time. When Corporal Andrei was a captain, he and Captain Harpring were always competing. Just before Corporal Andrei was busted down, he and Captain Harpring had a disagreement. Before long, they were arguing, but all I heard was Capt, I mean Corporal Andrei say "and the horse you rode in on". And then he flung manure at Captain Harpring, hitting him in the eye. From that point on, whenever Captain Harpring would see Corporal Andrei, he would glare at him. We called it "The Stinkeye". It was a really cold look.

Third Investigator: So what happened to Captain Harpring?

PFC Millsap: Um....I don't know.

Lead Investigator: Private, you are under oath. Let me remind you of that.

PFC Millsap: Okay. Captain Harpring went out to battle. The enemy was rushing in and I looked over and Captain Harpring was falling down. He was not shot. He did not trip. He was just falling down. I held the enemy off, and as they were retreating, I looked over and saw the captain raising his arm. I did not know what he was doing, but I called over to him that I needed him to give me cover. He got in position to give me cover, and then suddenly dashed toward our objective. No way was I able to do anything after that. I looked at him, but all he could do was raise his arm and yell "WOOT!" He was right there at the objective. I saw him them take out a grenade, pull the pin, and then throw it. He missed the objective. He turned and looked at me and you know what he did?

Lead Investigator: No, Private.

PFC Millsap: He gave me The Stinkeye. He then fell down.

Lead Investigator: And then what happened.

PFC Millsap: He got up and started shuffling back toward us. Gave us The Stinkeye again. I shot his Stink Eye giving, WOOT yelling, no cover giving, falling down for no reason shufflin' ass. Shot his ass dead. I walked over to him, looked down, and then his right arm came up and stayed there. Captain Harpring was buried with his right arm raised.

Lead Investigator: You killed your Captain?! After all he did for you?

PFC Millsap: Yes sir.

Lead Investigator: General Sloan, did you know there was so much animosity toward Captain Harpring?

General Sloan: This has been the hardest year ever. I was too busy trying to do my job. I can't worry about all that other stuff. The guys like to know when they are going in, so I try to be consistent. If I change things up, they would not know what to do, so I do things the same way I always do them. Guys who have been around or go hard, I let them see a lot of action. Young guys, I try to hold back. I had a young guy one time who was a real hot shot. I let him see a lot of action. Looking back, it was a mistake. I don't think he ever got better, so now I hold back the young guys as much as possible.

Lead Investigator: But the young guys are the future of the squad.

General Sloan: The future? I can't worry about the future, I have to worry about today.

Lead Investigator: Noted. Okay, I think I have heard all that I need to hear. It is apparent to me that some of these men were ready for all that was thrown at them, but many were not. It is the job of the officers to prepare the men for battle and I am not sure that was done this time. So, General Sloan, I am giving you and Col.Johnson and Major Corbin and Major Layden a few more years to do what you do.

General Sloan: Thank you, Investigator Miller.

Lead Investigator: Thank you, General Sloan. And thank you, Investigator O'Connor and Investigator Haslem for your assistance. Better luck next time.

Harpring Sucks.