Harpring Officially in the Dictionary

And no, not under "plays hard."

Merriam-Webster's word of '07: 'w00t'

By STEPHANIE REITZ, Associated Press Writer
22 minutes ago



SPRINGFIELD, Mass. - Expect cheers among hardcore online game enthusiasts when they learn Merriam-Webster's Word of the Year. Or, more accurately, expect them to "w00t."

"W00t," a hybrid of letters and numbers used by gamers as an exclamation of happiness or triumph, topped all other terms in the Springfield-based dictionary publisher's online poll for the word that best sums up 2007.

Merriam-Webster's president, John Morse, said "w00t" was an ideal choice because it blends whimsy and new technology.

"It shows a really interesting thing that's going on in language. It's a term that's arrived only because we're now communicating electronically with each other," Morse said.

Gamers commonly substitute numbers and symbols for the letters they resemble, Morse says, creating what they call "l33t speak" — that's "leet" when spoken, short for "elite" to the rest of the world.

For technophobes, the word also is familiar from the 1990 movie "Pretty Woman," in which Julia Roberts startles her date's upper-crust friends with a hearty "Woot, woot, woot!" at a polo match.

Purists of "l33t speak" often substitute a "7" for the final "t," expressing a "w007" of victory — an "in your face" of sorts — when they defeat an online gaming opponent.

"W00t" was among 20 nominees in a list of the most-searched words in Merriam-Webster's online dictionary and most frequently submitted terms from users of its "open dictionary."

The choice did not make Allan Metcalf, executive secretary of the American Dialect Society, say "w00t."

"It's amusing, but it's limited to a small community and unlikely to spread and unlikely to last," said Metcalf, an English professor at MacMurray College in Jacksonville, Ill.

The 2006 pick, "truthiness," also has its roots in pop culture. It was popularized by Comedy Central satirical political commentator Stephen Colbert.

Some also-rans in the 2007 list: the use of "facebook" as a verb to signify using the Web site by that name; nuanced terms such as "quixotic," "hypocrite" and "conundrum"; and "blamestorm," a meeting in which mistakes are aired, fingers are pointed and much discomfort is had by all.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20071211/ap_on_fe_st/word_of_the_year;_ylt=ApIWYrzlG1cZQYRX9.hvfBqhOrgF

The Death of Harpring Sucks? Not on my watch!

Now that our main, possibly only, contributor has left to chase his star, many have wondered what is to become of "Harpring Sucks". That is a good question. The answer is "I don't know". There is a very good chance that it will hang on, gasping for air, and then die. Much like Mehmet Okur's defense. There is a chance that it will pick up, have some stellar activity, and then die while choking on its own vomit. Much like I feel when watching Gor-DAWN get called for his stutter-step travel. The most likely answer is that it will have one last glorious post and then it's vaya con Dios.

This won't be that last glorious post.

I cannot match SirKickYoko's output, nor his volume, but I will try to at least stand in his shadow and post on a random basis.

I will praise those who deserve it, but mostly I will poke fun at those who need it.

Jazzbots writers, you are safe. Poking fun at you means I would actually have to read your blog, and quite frankly, there isn't enough heroin in the world to numb that pain.

Random references to 80's sitcoms will likely not happen. Movie references will be frequent, but all you Kathy Bates fans can go somewhere else because the quota of hot tub pictures on this blog has been filled. Instead, I will give you the person who ate The Ghost Whisperer:

She is right. Size 2 is not fat. Size 2nd helping, however, is.

I was watching football games on Sunday and came across the Cardinals/Browns game. As I sat watching to see if Kellen Winslow, Jr. found an empty spot on his arm to tattoo, I heard something that made my spine curl. Craig Bolerjack was doing the play by play for the game. Luckily for him, CBS was kind enough to pair him with Dan Dierdorf, the NFL equivalent of Ron Boone, only with more spit. I kept waiting and hoping for a Bolerjackulation. "Dan, Kurt Warner has completed 10 passes for 97 yards. That's a double double!" or "Phil Dawson lines it up for a 45 yard kick....it's up...MONEY SHOT!" But sadly, Boler let me down. Although I do think I heard Dierdorf once slobber "Yes, yes it is".

Anyway, SirCarusoAss has left the building and I will try to become the new Andy Sipowicz that helps carry the show. I just hope I don't have to resort to showing my fat ass. Like the Ghost Whisperer did.

Bragging about previous power rankings, Jazzbots, etc

Although I had not planned on talking about Harpring Sucks' previous power rankings until all teams had played at least 20 games recent events have made it more urgent that I discuss them now (see last item in this blog entry). First of all, let's be honest in saying that I totally killed the so-called professionals in my previous power rankings in terms of forecasting some early trends. Some notable successful early season predictions that were different than those widely available from more traditional media sources:

#1. The fall of the Miami Heat. Even though the team went winless in the preseason and stumbled through most of last season and was poised to begin the year with its best player inactive, ESPN still consistently projected the Heat to have home court advantage in the playoffs and started the season ranking them at #13. This is equivalent to CNN.com suddenly proclaiming that Chris Dodd is a serious contender for the Democratic Nomination.

Harpring Sucks rated them at #24 for the season, which it turns out may have been overrating them given that they currently have the 27th best record in the NBA.

In large part ESPN ranked Miami at #13 because of the then-recent trade of Antoine Walker to Minnesota for the infamously ridiculous triple double-attempter Ricky Davis. In related news, it turns out that the fountain of youth is in Minneapolis because Antoine Walker suddenly looks like a useful player. At this point it's beginning to look like Miami has replaced Portland as the NBA graveyard where good players go to die. Of course it's only unfortunate that Miami appears to be going out with a whimper rather than a glorious violent bang like those Portland Jailblazers did.

#2. The Magic are actually good! Who would have thought? Oh yeah, Harpring Sucks did. When we rated them #7 in the preseason a common complaint was that we had the Magic too high in the power rankings. Since then they've gone 12-3 and are currently rated #3 in ESPN's rating system. Harpring Sucks would brag, but we're too humble.

#3. Houston wouldn't be that great. In the pre-season rankings Harpring Sucks wrote:

Houston Rockets: John Hollinger thinks they'll win the championship. That's a
good enough reason for me to bury them at around the 70th percentile. Besides
the Hollinger damnation, it's somewhat mystifying that people think they got
tons better. The major free agent acquisition (Steve Francis) is a guy that
Portland paid $30 million NOT to play on the team this season, the prized rookie
(Scola) hasn't shown he can be a complementary piece on the international level,
and Rafer Alston is likely to do something insane this season. Also, Rick
Adelman is prominently involved so you know there's going to be a couple painful
meltdowns this year.

As predicted Steve Francis has done next to nothing this season, Scola has played his best when T-Mac has been out allowing him to have a much larger role in the offense and has struggled at times when having to be complementary and Rick Adelman guided the team to a 7-7 start. Rafer hasn't done anything insane yet but I think we all know it's just a matter of time. At least the Rockets are consistent, they're the same team that took a chance on Eddie Griffin too. And we all know what happened to him...

But we didn't get everything right. We were wrong in the same way everyone else was on one point: WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO CHICAGO?!

Admittedly they started 3-9 last season as well but this year they look totally disorganized, Tyrus Thomas bizarrely decided to stop playing well as soon as pre-season games ended and games started counting, and Kirk Hinrich looks like he's been getting into Hot Rod Hundley's barbiturate supply again. If you can tell me exactly what's wrong with them this season without resorting to the hackneyed "It's the coach's fault" excuse (which has always been over-used) I will award an official piece of Harpring Sucks pie*.

* Expect delivery within 6-8 weeks, delivery of pie not guaranteed, void where prohibited.

In other basketball news, if you had "4 weeks" in the "How long will it take the media to turn on Kevin Durant" office pool you win. After watching Durant dominate the ball at Texas last season and take a number of shots that are both simultaneously spectacular and ill-advised basketball analysts are shocked, SHOCKED!, that Kevin Durant is currently dominating the ball and taking ill-advised shots with the Supersonics. If it wasn't for the ongoing public lynching campaign against Isiah Thomas (who really didn't do anything wrong because it's not like Anucha Browne Sanders was hired for her business acumen) the current Kevin Durant backlash would likely be at fever pitch. In some sense I feel bad for Durant because it took the media at least 6 weeks to turn on Adam Morrison last season. Then again, he earns several seasons worth of free pass from me on account of that moustache and generally looking like that guy who asks me for change outside the Greyhound Station.




Tim Ormond fails to mention Sloan Favorites: Tim Ormond needs to resign his position as a jazzbots cheerleader immediately. Not only did he name Jeff Malone the most underrated Jazz player of all-time (a dubious proposition for anyone who was a fan of the Chris Morris era or if you consider all those criminals Olden Polynice brought to justice) he failed to mention Sloan notables such as Keith McLeod, Milt Palacio, Adam Keefe, Jamie Watson, Quincy Lewis, Calbert Cheaney, and David Benoit. I'd watch out Tim. Jerry is likely to consider your failing to mention those guys as underrated an offense punishable by a tractor run-down.

Carlos Boozer Haikus: In celebration of Carlos Boozer's birthday, Stanton Huntington wrote him several birthday haikus. Suprisingly most of them weren't awful and all had the correct number of syllables. Someone's been taking Jackie Corbridge's graduate courses! He did however fail to write any about some of Carlos' most adorable characteristics. Harpring Sucks would like to rectify that wrong:

Forehead acne is
at threat level orange. Next
time buy proactiv.

An apology: You all have no idea how much I regret not having the foresight to live-blog the Purina National Dog Show on Thanksgiving Day. That truly would have been the gift that would have kept on giving. Let's just say that this man was prominently involved and gave us lots of tips on animal husbandry:

I guess there's always next year. *sigh*

The worthless flock together: As a principle of psychology, people tend to like to group with those who share similar characteristics and social standing. In part, this convenient social ordering prevents large amounts of group infighting and ensures that those parties involved are unlikely to feel threatened by impending success of those they are close to. Keeping that in mind I was completely unsurprised when Laurie Nylund, who appears to be a token inclusion as Jazzbots resident "Jazz Mrs.", writing a post celebrating the two women who were drafted by the NBA. Of course neither stayed on a team long enough to even make it into a pre-season game.


I'm sure she probably reads books about all the women who "ran for President" but never had a serious shot at the nomination as well.


Gross Omissions Department: Keith Haney wrote a Thanksgiving Day themed post last week listing a number of things that he is thankful for. Included in the list are predictable items such as "winning" and not being over the salary cap. BORING!!! Everyone knows there are much better things to mention than that.


Two things that any true Jazz fan should really be thankful for:


1. Harpring's minutes decreasing: This has two effects. First the Jazz are playing better because he's not on the floor. Second, he seems intent on providing just as much unintentional comedy in the form of falling over, throwing balls out of bounds, and missing lay-ups as he ever has in reduced time. This has led to highly enjoyable stints by Harpring. So much so, Harpring Sucks almost wants him to check into the game at this point just for entertainment value.


I almost want to see how far this can go. I'm becoming convinced if Sloan played him for only five minutes a game he'd have to fall over 3 times a minute just to meet some self-imposed quota. That's approximately once every possession! I really want this to happen.


2. Whoever is dressing Jerry Sloan: His ties this year have looked like Stevie Wonder is his personal shopper. The color combinations have been so garish I've wondered if the color settings on my television are off or if the station is imposing a test pattern on his shirt for some reason. At this point he could wear anything and I wouldn't be stunned. I eagerly anticipate the inevitable Robin's Egg blue/Fuscia/Urine Yellow combination around easter time. Anything less would almost be disappointing.


Why Hitman was the most disappointing movie experience of the year: As a purely hypothetical scenario, let's say you're writing and producing a movie called "Hitman." Wouldn't you make large portions of this move dedicated to your main character actually carrying out hits on his targets? From the previews this movie looked like it should be the ultimate paint-by-numbers action film: a bald bad-ass with a bar code tattooed on the back of his head executing high difficulty contract hits on high level politicians and business men. That can't miss. After all he's got a bar code on the back of his head!


As a brief plot outline to hit all the major cliches of an action film I would have submitted the following scene list:

Scene 1: Hitman shoots high ranking military functionary of indeterminate ethnic origin (Hint: Middle Eastern) by dressing up in a burqa for a disguise. Coup de gras shot occurs after doing "The Dance of the Seven Veils" and luring the military leader into a private tent. Only one person will emerge, and it will be the guy with the guns and the bar code.


Scene 2: Hitman carries out another hit, this time taking out a submarine in the Adriatic Sea with a rented attack helicopter. While he may only need to kill one man instead of sink the sub and its questionable where he could actually rent a fully equipped attack helicopter this is an action movie so the ends justify the means and we can assume our main character is both invincible and has infinite resources.


Scene 3: It's time for character development. Turns out the Hitman is catholic. Incorporate a long scene with liturgical music and Latin as a counterpoint to the brutal violence in the rest of the film. Do that movie thing where the main character inexplicably sheds a tear from the far corner of his eye even though his tear ducts are located near his nose. Everyone loves a guy with tear related super powers.


Scene 4: Receive pay for previous hits. Celebrate by going out on the town and getting at least 20 hookers. I think we all know where this scene is going.


Scene 5: The Hitman is a brutal killing machine. His next assignment is a flower girl at a wedding. He should use extreme prejudice. Flower girl should have paid her gambling debts.


Scene 6: He feels bad about his last job and confesses to his priest. Sins are absolved with only 2 Hail Mary's in penance because the priest never had strong feelings about young girls anyway.


Scene 7: Law enforcement catches on. Hitman creates a blues brothers' style massive police car crash while gunning down civilians on his slick Italian motorbike.


Scene 8: Time to sex it up to keep adolescent male interest. The next hit occurs in a brothel and/or strip club.


Scene 9: Turns out the barcode on the back of the Hitman's is the same one used for Magnum condoms at the local supermarket. This can only lead to a hilarious misunderstanding. Everyone is amused except for the Hitman. No one leaves the store alive.


You get the idea of how this movie should go.


Unfortunately the real Hitman movie wasn't nearly this entertaining. Instead it only included one actual hit and a tacked on love story that made the Notebook seem plausible. Sigh. At least it had gratuitous boob shots, that's something in its favor.


Response to "old moldy": You want the reader's digest version of my posts? It's in large font and it says "Pick up your dentures and don't forget to take your metamucil." That helpful enough for you?


What are you celebrating again? Morris Almond wrote a blog this week about how thrilled he was to play in his first NBA game. Of course he doesn't mention that he got exactly 2 minutes and 31 seconds of playing time and that his only "contribution" to the game were the 2 fouls he committed. Coincidentally he's been inactive a lot recently after that game.


In the spirit of this post, Harpring Sucks also successfully predicted that Morris Almond wouldn't be the answer this season and that Ronnie Brewer would be a revelation with playing time. Someday Harpring Sucks will be the pros instead of all those draft forecasters who claimed that Almond would come in ready to contribute immediately. Apparently immediately is a relative term and they meant "in relation to the age of the universe." I expect Almond to do something worth writing about by time I retire at this rate.


Bizarre name suggestions: Harpring Sucks favorite Jackie Corbridge pointed out this week that the "Jazz" is a non-sensical club nickname for a basketball team located within the state of Utah and asked students to come up with potential new club nicknames.


Some of the choices:


"The Utah Coals would be the name that I would pick because I like collecting rocks and coal is the state rock."


Point a) I'm glad to see that this student is interested in naming the team after a dirty-burning fossil fuel, apparently she's taken the name-change of the stadium to "Energy Solutions Arena" a little too literally.


Point b) Utah has a state rock? How much debate was there on this in the state legislature?


Point c) They picked coal? Coal!? I understand when you're picking among types of rocks the pickings are inherently slim but couldn't they have gone with something that isn't traditionally given as a gift by Santa to bad children?


"The Utah Honey Bees would be the name I would choose because being a Honey Bee means to work hard but do your best! "




Congratulations, you just named the team after a Girl Scout Troop. I'm sure Den Leader Sloan will help C.J. Miles get his crocheting merit badge over the weekend.


"I would name them the Utah Cutthroat because that is our state fish and I think it sounds really cool!"

It's currently an automatic two game suspension if a player makes the throat slash motion towards the opposing bench. I think if you actually changed your team name to the Cutthroat David Stern would have to hire the Hitman, and not the one who gets all soft and weepy when a Russian chick in a dress is in the room.

Ronnie Price? What happened?: This is the most bizarre Sloan love affair in recent memory. After getting essentially no playing time for the entire season Sloan suddenly begins playing him for a solid 15 minutes and indicates that he's officially won the back-up point guard slot. Since the announcement is made Price immediately stops hitting shots and goes 1-13 from the field over the next three games. Sloan is currently (surprise surprise) indicating he's not changing his mind on the issue.

In completely unrelated news Gordan Giricek is shooting 40% from behind the 3 point line this season and 45% on all field goals.

What does this prove? Gordan must have slept with Sloan's sister a couple years ago or something. It seems like no matter what he does in terms of on-court performance Sloan will continuously prefer the Derek Fisher's and Ronnie Price's of the world. Maybe he vaguely reminds Sloan of Ostertag or something. This is all fine because the Jazz are playing well and we're only talking about a few minutes a night but it seems odd to steadfastly stick with Price over Giricek at this point, given that such decision is statistically completely indefensible.

Turns out Hollywood writers enjoy not working as much as I do: The New York Times published an interesting article this week on the ongoing writer's guild strike that is actively paralyzing nearly every television show on the major broadcast networks (you know, in case you thought that NBC was running a "best of the Tonight Show" feature recently just for kicks).

The primary pressure on any striking group is economic insofar as striking workers are generally either not earning any money or getting a small percentage of their earnings paid out through a union pension fund. Furthermore, striking workers understand that the strike is likely to hurt advancement as relations with the employer has chilled. In the case of the writer's strike, however, it seems that the dual roles held by a number of big name writers who have strong creative control over their progams is actually making the strike a business opportunity for a number of the non big-name writers because it's providing them an opportunity to pitch project ideas while they are picketing. Interestingly the PostSecret blog posted an image created by a striking writer indicating that the strike was the best thing that ever happened to her creatively because "I now have time to focus on writing something I love instead of churning out mediocre scripts."

Combined with opinion polls that indicate public opinion is largely swinging in favor of the striking writers, Hollywood must be alarmed to see that the striking workers are having fun instead of complaining about the pain of striking. If Sun Tzu ran the production companies he'd be actively attempting to take down this incredible surge of morale, but instead the production companies are casting reality shows starring former contestants of previous reality shows.

Hope you all enjoy watching 20 different versions of The Bachelor this summer. It seems the only people who are having their quality of life improved through the strike are the strikers themselves.

An interesting side effect of this strike, however, might come in a creative groundswell several months after the strike ends. If many writers are using this free time to create powerful networking opportunities to create high end products and other writers are writing their dream project because they're not tied down to a specific task right now it stands to reason we could see a television renaissance next season. On this point Harpring Sucks is actually optimistic. Anything that threatens to make it so that I don't have to suffer through another episode of Howie Mandel hosting "Deal or No Deal" is something I hope for.

Gross Omissions Part 2: Tim Ormond made a list of the Top 5 Jazz players who got away. Lucky for us he included Dell Curry but didn't put down Dominique Wilkins (whom the Jazz drafted and traded for cash) or Magic Johnson (whom the Jazz could have drafted if they hadn't given the Lakers the draft pick in exchange for signing Gail Goodrich away from them). In related news, jazzbots fails to increase in quality as writers gain experience.

Finally, a sad farewell: As I've already discussed with a few readers of this website, this will be my last post for Harpringsucks.com. During the last several months writing for this website has been immensely enjoyable for me and I've greatly appreciated the opportunity bordy gave me to initially make fun of Matt Harpring (and oh what a wealth of material he provides) and later to expand into discussion of Jazzbots and a whole host of other NBA related issues.

Fortunately even though we write for one of the smallest markets in the NBA and we have a definite writing style that appeals to a narrow niche of NBA fans, I have been fortunate enough to receive an offer from hoopsvibe.com to move my regular columns over there. This means that my departure from Harpringsucks.com does not mean that I am no longer writing, just that my articles will appear on a website with an audience that is approximately 200 times larger than that of Harpring Sucks. I have long maintained that I'm not the most clever writer on this website, nor the funniest, nor the most random. Frankly, I can think of at least 4 people here who could probably do a better job with a larger audience than me but as far as I can tell this is the power of dumb luck and merely being stubborn enough to pound out an article on a roughly weekly schedule.

I will always treasure the time I've spent with this website; after all everyone remembers their first time. The constant live blogging during the playoffs counts among the most enjoyable basketball viewing experiences I've ever had, and I'm thrilled that bordy allowed me to do pretty much anything I wanted even when it breached the bounds of good taste and class.

I sincerely hope this blog continues a strong internet presence in my absence and I encourage my fellow bloggers to keep churning out material. I'm not sure I could survive knowing that I was the yoko that broke up the Beatles.

Farewell Harpring Sucks....we'll always have penisaurus rex.

Farewell Gary, don't let the absurd amounts of adulation hit you on your way out.

Over the weekend ESPN.com ran an incredible number of features dedicated to aging veteran Gary Payton essentially deciding call it quits. Most of these features were dedicated to the "fact" that Gary was underrated historically and was assuredly one of the greatest ever to play at his position. Somehow they all failed to mention that the only reason he's retiring in the first place is because he's so singularly bad at this point that he's received no offers from NBA teams to play professional basketball. It's not as if he's making salary demands no one wants to meet (like Earl Boykins) or is simply too raw and unpolished at this point in his career to be playable (like Dee Brown), he's simply so bad that no one wants him for the salary that he played at last year. Of course that salary was the veteran's minimum which means not only was he being paid an absurdly low amount of money the league office was also chipping in to pay a substantial portion of it. This is not the case of a dignified veteran going out of the game while he still had something to contribute, this is the ultimate in someone announcing "retirement" when the reality is that the market doesn't want them anymore.

Putting aside that Payton is leaving with his death rattle rasping from his vocal cords, the adulation heaped upon him is borderline ridiculous. J.A. Adande acted as if Payton wasn't a supremely talented athlete and instead just willed his way into being a good player; one wonders where Adande's article was lauding John Stockton at retirement considering that Payton's athleticism made Stockton look like he was one of the extras in "Teen Wolf." John Hollinger wrote a lengthy article indicating he believed that Payton was the fourth best point guard of all time ahead of greats like Isiah Thomas, Bob Cousy, Walt Frazier, and Tiny Archibald. Part of his argument consists of the idea that Payton is criminally underrated because people tend to dismiss scoring point guards as being worse than "pure point guards." However, this is a lot like arguing that people tend to underrate President Bush because of his war record even though there was a good economy for most of his presidency. The reality is that GREAT point guards can score well and pass.

Payton's career indicates that he's a lot closer to the Kevin Johnson/Tim Hardaway class of point guard than Stockton and Isiah. Compare the group:

Gary Payton: 16.3 ppg, 4 rpg, 6.7 apg, 1.83 spg. 9 All-Star selections, 2 All NBA First Teams
Kevin Johnson: 17.9 ppg, 3.3 rpg, 9.1 apg, 1.47 spg, 3 All-Star selctions
Tim Hardaway: 17.7 ppg, 3.3 rpg, 8.2 apg, 1.65 spg, 5 All-Star selections, 1 All NBA First Team

Hell compare him to Anfernee Hardaway, a guy who has spent most of his career to hurt to play major minutes:

15.4 ppg, 4.5 rpg, 5.1 apg, 1.61 spg. 4 All-Star selections, 2 All NBA First Teams.

Those guys were great players, but to act like they're among the best of all time at their position is laughable and Payton falls with them.

Of course the reality is that these guys like Payton because he was an entertaining interview and a prolific trash-talker (for similar reasons they treated Reggie Miller like an All-Time great when he retired), and that's why he's getting loads of praise. On that basis, Harpring Sucks fully expects to be inducted into the blog hall of fame given our trash talking proclivities.

Karen Chatterton’s Students on Matt Harpring: Sometimes the phrasing of the jazzbots bloggers is a far better joke than anything I can come up with. One student writes about Matt Harpring:

“I like Harpring. He’s a solid player and a nice guy. He is also the position I usually play. He is a hustle maniac. Every time he is in, his face goes red because he is running so hard. He also doesn’t have tatoos or earrings. He’s a cool guy. His wife works where my dad works.”

Reportedly, this student leads his sixth grade basketball team in “Woo!” per 48. I’d also be curious to ask his dad about the rumors that Harpring’s wife’s face gets black and blue every time Harpring gets angry.

Blogoetry tries to respond to criticism: A personal favorite practice of mine is when people realize their position is untenable so they attempt to play the “high road” card. In response to Harpring Sucks’ unrelenting criticism of jazzbots, the resident Blogoet Josh Leavitt wrote a borderline hysterical piece called (and I’m not making this up) “Jazzbots, ya heard?” In this piece Josh Leavitt repeatedly asserts that jazzbots is the only blog that matters (which is a great message for an official team blog to send to kill the interest of the fans that care enough to maintain blogs about their product) and that jazzbots is better than all other blogs because it is relentlessly positive.

Of course Leavitt apparently has selective amnesia given that even though he claims that jazzbots is above “slurs” he wrote a “call out” where he slammed various members of the Houston Rockets only three weeks ago.

He also defends the jazzbots de facto censorship policy (which interestingly has led to only positive comments from fellow jazzbots bloggers on his particular post regardless of what the ACTUAL public reaction is) by proclaiming “we act as a filter, disallowing the resentful, the cynics…the quitter.” How “the quitter” makes any sense in terms of people you’d want to disallow from posting because they’re not positive is anyone’s guess, but one gets the sense he was trying too hard to make this line rhyme with “bitter.”

He also makes the claim that Jazzbots is “positive” like “the team they follow.” Apparently Jerry Sloan, Matt Harpring’s comments about teammates after games in which he hasn’t shot the ball far more than he should, the perpetual squabbles between Karl Malone and the person attached to Larry Millers Creepy elbows and ears, and AK’s trade demands are all things Mr. Leavitt is unaware of.

Sounds to me like a pretty ridiculous attempt to say “I will not respond to any of the criticisms against me because I’m taking the high road despite any and all previous history.” You know who else employed that strategy in regards to reports that he picked up a hooker?

Gross Omissions: Stanton Huntington did a list of the 8 players that Jazz fans love to hate. Stunningly, he forgot to include Greg Ostertag. Considering the number of people that I heard complain about Ostertag over the years (a transcript of Jerry Sloan’s comments on Ostertag would weigh between 2-4 tons) this is equivalent to compiling a list of “Top 8 washed up celebrities continually attempting a comeback in ill-fated ventures” and including only one Baldwin brother.

His father pitched the movie “Ishtar”: Cameron Hansen came up with several changes he would make if he owned the Jazz this week. Included among them was the suggestion “pay the bear whatever he wants.” I think I speak for all regular readers of this blog when I say I’m rooting for the Bear to demand Jackie Corbridge’s soul.

Hansen also proposes the Jazz save some samples of Jerry Sloan’s hair so that the team can clone him in the event that Jerry retires. Thus, Cameron reasons, the team would be assured good coaching for the foreseeable future. Of course the fatal flaw for this cloning idea is that we’d have to find someone willing to be artificially inseminated with a fetus that is the clone of Jerry Sloan. Given all the stories we know about his playing days this means he’s likely to fight and kick like hell in the womb. Also the post-birth press conference won’t be pretty when he tells everyone that “Mom just wasn’t trying out there. She got too focused on herself and forgot what we were trying to accomplish.”

Unfortunate acronyms: The city of South Lake Union recently built a trolley car system and local legend has it that they almost went with the acronym S.L.U.T. Harpring Sucks wants to know how much the fare is to ride, or do you gain entry by buying a drink at a local bar?

And what does the conductor's uniform look like? Can I expect this woman to be taking tickets?

Bad Math (and from a source that is supposedly edited too): In Bill Simmons’ NBA preview article he writes “the Nets are a top-six team in the East whether Vince Carter is interested or not.” The problem? He wrote this right after ranking them seventh in the East.

Dee Brown pangs?! WTF?!: Laurie Nylund openly pined for Dee Brown this week while panning Jason Hart. This is more than a little like complaining about how unsafe your Hyundai Elantra is and then replacing it with a Ford Pinto.

Harpring Sucks isn’t saying that Hart has played well, frankly he looks like he’s been staying up late at night making pillow forts all too frequently, but acting like Dee Brown was a good NBA player has about as much credibility as O.J. Simpson’s claims that he’s going to find the real killer.

At least a handful of Harpring Sucks bloggers have indicated that Andrei Kirilenko should be playing back-up point guard minutes while Deron sits on the bench. Even if he’s not effective and turns the ball over you know that the turnovers will be spectacular.

Holding out hope for far too long: Keith Haney states that he’s still willing to believe that Jason Hart might be a decent back-up point guard for the Jazz. Harpring Sucks’ crack investigative team reports he also still writes letters to Santa Claus every year and puts corn kernels under his pillow in hopes of fooling the tooth fairy.

I suffer from Jazzbotulism: Tim Ormond wrote a whole article that seems to suggest that we should appreciate perpetual drunkard broadcaster Hot Rod Hundley because he might not be around much longer. As the implication for what would happen if we fail to do? We might catch "Mark Eatonitis." Curiously Ormond never defines exactly what "Mark Eatonitis" is. Harpring Sucks' medical research division confirms the much feared Eatonitis is a parasite whose origins can be traced back to this man's beard.

Presumably that's what those "Fear the Beard" people have been talking about all this time.

The Strained Metaphor, a Jazzbots Tradition: Jackie Corbridge wrote this long and completely inscrutable metaphor about raising children and basketball defense. I'm not even sure she could tell us what constitutes zone defense parenting vs. man to man defense parenting. I just wish the principal Sloan would bench her already.

The single best argument against the WNBA: Annie Whittaker gives a run-down of the informal rules used in her women's league. These include "scrunchy time outs" and ponytail fouls. Undisclosed were baby feedings during halftime, makeovers after the game, and that everyone has to jump up and down when someone on either team hits a shot. And people wonder why the WNBA never caught on. If Scott Pollard ever tried to call a scrunchy time-out Reggie Evans would pull his balls off.

Hollinger gets something right, Marital Issues, and Jazzbots

This blog is scheduled for Thursday, but it's coming out on a Friday. I'd apologize, but I'm not really sorry.

John Hollinger, a favorite Harpring Sucks target, released a list of players that he put on the "all-decline" team. In essence these are meant to be players that are going to be substantially worse this season than he was last season. Prominently featured on the list was this man:

In particular Hollinger wrote about Führer Harpring (so named because many Jazz fans cite leadership as his best quality):

The numbers say he's 31 and is likely to do worse anyway, but this one is mainly a subjective call. Harpring had more knee trouble in the offseason, and was already quite possibly the league's slowest wing player -- something that became obvious when he was asked to guard anyone with even a modicum of speed. The worry here is that any further diminution in speed will compromise his quickness to the point that he can't defend the position any longer.

While John (I'm assuming I can call him John after writing about him so much) correctly points out that Harpring is generally slower than a sloth doped up on Ambien he fails to point out that the reason for this is that he falls over every other time down the floor. Using complex statistical formulas compiled from data gathered entirely by Harpring Sucks, it has been determined that players that fall over frequently on average run substantially slower than players that remain upright while propelling themselves forward.

Of course John also points out that rigor mortis has set in for Harpring's lower extremities, and that this makes him so bad defensively that it is questionable whether he can defend anyone at his position any longer. Harpring Sucks believes in fairness in journalism and would thus like to point out that there is one league where Harpring could play adequate defense:

We anxiously await an appropriate trade.

Girlish Screams: The Mueller family essentially acknowledged this week that they’re closet Indianapolis Colts fans by talking about screaming at games. Oh wait, the Colts crowd noise is entire artificial. And people say that the Patriots are evil at least they’re not trying to win through the use of disembodied voices.

In any sense, given the admission of lots of screaming on the part of the Mueller family Harpring Sucks provides the following helpful guide for finding the Muellers in Energy Solutions Arena.

#1. Follow the dogs that are inevitably attracted to their high pitch, high volume yowls.

#2. Look for the grumpy old man who’s frantically searching for his earmuffs to block out the noise of his unanticipated seat neighbors.

#3. Look for the guy who keeps ordering more and more beer to drown out his wife and daughters.

#4. Listen for which section gets noticeably louder when the Bear walks out but acts disappointed when the game starts again.

#5. Look for the obnoxious signs that display a vaguely team-related message using the initials of whatever network is broadcasting the game. By the way, people who display these obnoxious signs are hellspawn incarnate. If given the opportunity, I would leave their ancestors off of Schindler’s List.

There you go, glad to help whomever really wants to find the Muellers. Of course, given the average age of the posters in the Mueller family the person most likely to try to find them would be Peter Lorre’s character from “M.” I’m glad to know that Harpring Sucks is finally fulfilling its stated mission of aiding child molesters.

John Amaechi might hold you a little too closely: Annie Whittaker proposes that NBA players should hug each other when they get into an altercation rather than have the NBA impose fines.

Harpring Sucks thinks this idea is fine but doesn’t go far enough; institute deep tongue kissing instead! This has the opportunity to prove my theory that Zaza Pachulia would be the most tender lover in the NBA (just look at those soft lips!) as well as provide great unintentional comedy every time Rasheed Wallace gets a technical. I also anxiously await the first “Baron Davis needs to shave his beard, his face is too scratchy” press conference after a good tonsil-mashing with Scott Pollard. For bonus points imagine 5’9” Nate Robinson trying to French Yao Ming. The prospect of the refs bringing out a step-ladder to aid in disciplinary proceedings is too good to pass up. Best of all, the NBA will make in-roads into the WNBA’s primary audience with all the man-on-man action.

Jackie Corbridge’s students apparently watching a different game than tatermoog and Capt. Sig: Jackie Corbridge’s much maligned fourth grade class took a break from eating paste, playing extreme-tetherball (4 fatalities recorded this year), and butchering the educational system to take an impromptu poll on which Jazz player is the MVP so far this year. And I thought all-star voting began too soon!

Sadly, this question seems designed to cut out one specific student who thus far had answered every poll question with something involving the food at the game. I’ve privately been affectionately referring to this student as “Gordon” because it feels right. I imagine he looks like this:

This purposeful tailoring of the question leads to me to believe that Jackie Corbridge hates fat people. So if you’re fat and take umbrage with this obvious discrimination against both Gordon and yourself waddle slowly over to Lucille Reading Elementary School and let Ms. Corbridge know what you think.

As to the substance of the children’s responses they largely seem to think that Deron Williams is the clear MVP of the season thus far. However one student cited Carlos Boozer’s defense as the reason he’s the MVP of the team. That will be embarrassing for him in a couple of years given that Boozer defends the basket about as well as Paris Hilton defends herself from herpes.

Prison Exercise in the Phillipines: This makes me feel like I was born in the wrong country. As it is I'm strongly considering flying to Manila and joining the ranks of the dancing undead.

Award Time: Jazzbots received an award this week from the NBA for being the first official team blog. Before jazzbots gets all in a tizzy about how great they are because they got an award Harpring Sucks counters with the following two points.

#1. This is the league that gives ridiculous awards all the time. Remember Aaron McKie won the NBA’s sixth man award recently, gave Elgin Baylor of the generally awful Clippers the Executive of the year award, and facilitated awarding Anucha Brown Sanders $11 million after Isiah Thomas repeatedly tried to pull a Joe Namath on her. Getting an award from the NBA apparently requires little more than showing up and getting lucky.

#2. Harpring Sucks has been awarded the equally prestigious “Harpring Sucks award for excellence in the field of superior achievement” by a completely independent panel. Additionally, while many have received the same commendation received by jazzbots we are, of course, the only website that has been given our particular honor. Not only that, rumor has it we’ll win next year too.

Dear Pot: You are Black. Love, The Kettle: Laurie Nylund complains this week about the poor quality of sports radio coverage of the team. Harpring Sucks will refrain from pointing out obvious irony in the interest of good taste and maintaining good relations between the two websites.

Speaking of Awards….: Tammy Rasmussen wins the coveted Harpring Sucks “Bad Writing Award given out at arbitrary intervals” for her recent article about steroid use in athletics. As a preliminary note, it’s worth pointing out that basketball is frequently considered the sport least likely to suffer from a steroid problem because the sport generally rewards long lanky players and successful beefy players are the exception rather than the rule. Many NBA players don’t even lift weights because they're worried about how the extra bulk would affect their shooting stroke and how smoothly they could move.

Some choice excerpts from the article:

Athletes are out there and so many are role models to our youth.

In case you were convinced that athletes weren't out there.

So, what are steroids? Steroids are classified as anabolic.

Thank you. That's very helpful.

Ms. Rasmussen we give you an award equal to the highest you've probably ever earned:


Special Thanks to the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service for granting Harpring Sucks provisional authority to award certificates.

The Race to the Bottom: As I'm in my early-mid twenties (having recently turned 24, I've discovered it's easier to rationalize my aging by adding lots of prefixes) many of my friends are tying the knot and this has raised substantial debate as to what to do about their last names. Although everyone acknowledges that it's far more convenient and easy to explain that you're a new family when everyone involved has the same last name some people are understandably loathe to follow the traditional path of having the bride give up her last name. After all, it feels just an eensy bit sexist.

This has led to a number of proposals. Many people have opted to go with hyphenation of the female's name. Besides the fact that this doesn't really solve any of the problems because the bride still has a different last name AND it's still sexist because only the bride is changing her last name it has one other problem: what happens if you divorce and remarry? Do you eliminate the previous husband's name or go for double hyphenation? If you're a polygamist how many hyphens do you need? Just too messy and doesn't solve any problems. This is clearly not a good option.

Other couples have gone for the permutation of the bride and groom's last names. So for example if Luther Head married Randy Moss they might make their last name "Headmoss" which sounds strangely like the next product produced by the Ronco Corporation. The problem with this option is that some people have last names just unpermutable. For example, let's say Stanko Barac married anyone. Could his last name really be permuted into anything that didn't sound like mushmouth? Besides this potentially doesn't solve the sexism problem either because it can become a huge issue as to whose name becomes the first part of the permutation. Thus, Harpring Sucks can't endorse this option either.

In lieu of either of these options we suggest a proposal called "Race to the Bottom." In order to solve the problems of one person having to sacrifice their name in favor of their partner's, Harpring Sucks believes that both parties should be equally inconvenienced. Consequently we suggest that both parties abandon their last name and mutually agree upon a new, entirely invented last name.

This has a number of obvious advantages because it solves the problems outlined above but it also creates exciting new opportunities. For example, the Madame has a friend with the last name "Hassenpflug." That name is fantastic. When the Madame eventually marries someone far hotter than myself and someone with better things to do with his time than write for an ostensibly NBA-based blog she could make her last name "Hassenpflug." Admittedly this could cause small problems with her friend who may feel like Pam from the Office when attending Phylis and Bob Vance's wedding when she sees an invitation to a wedding with her own last name on it, but this is a clear "omelets/eggs" situation. Additionally, I've always wanted to name my first son "Slash" and now I could select a fantastic last name to go along with Slash. Some powerful. Maybe Patton.

Of course this would also lead to new divorce issues as it would become highly contentious who got to keep the new, presumably cooler, last name. Of course this would provide our own JohnDeereJerry with a whole new line of work, which is unfortunately because he'd post on Harpring Sucks even less than he currently does.

Finally I foresee one other possible complaint: people who like genealogy complaining this would make it very difficult for future generations to make their family trees. To these people, I say simply: Get a real hobby.

Karen Chatterton soon to be contacted by Child Protective Services: I like the Jazz and all, but not enough to sit through a game while in labor. One can only imagine Ms. Chatterton refusing to teach her 6th grade class because she's reading Morris Almond's blogs about why he's on the inactive list and Dee Brown complaining that he's not good enough to play in the NBA.

Bad sportsmanship: Ross Siler practiced character assassination this week by arguing that Morris Almond's blog is better than Gilbert Arenas' because Gilbert tells his thoughts to another person who then types them out instead of physically sitting at the keyboard. Never mind that Gilbert's are actually entertaining and Morris Almond writes about being on the inactive list.

One assumes that Ross Siler also prefers "Tuesdays with Morrie" to the Bible because Jesus didn't actually write any of his own material.

Unintended effects and an actual apology: Apparently the best way to motivate Harpring Sucks to produce more material is to post a picture of Kathy Bates in a hot tub on the front page. Fellow bloggers will do anything to get it off. Sorry guys, can I offer up official Harping Sucks hot chef Giada as recompense?

The Deron Williams Debacle and jazz blog round-up

Despite the fact that the Harpring Sucks writing staff has long been relatively in ageement with one another on how we feel about most issues facing the Jazz (i.e. Harpring Sucks, Sloan is borderline senile, Boozer's forehead acne is funny, etc.) we are finally facing a major area where there's a substantial amount of disagreement: Is Deron Williams a good point guard?

I know, for the Jazz faithful the fact that this is even questioned is shocking and bordering on blasphemous. Despite this our own tatermoog and Capt. Sig are taking a run at the "contrarian of the year" award by arguing that he's a "chucker" and is always looking for his own shot first. As Sig argued while letting out the sails to puff himself up, "he's a great player, just not a good point guard." The arguments I've heard against Deron are as follows:

Claim 1. "When he hasn't shot on offense 3 or 4 times in a row, you can just tell he's going to put it up."

Status: True, at least on average.

Deron Williams takes 16.8 shots per game for the jazz this season and plays slightly more than 75% of the game. The Jazz as a team take 83.5 shots per game, which means (assuming pace of the game is constant when Williams is in and when he is out of the game) that Williams is on court for an average of 64 offensive possessions that end in a field goal attempt. This means Deron is taking one shot for every 3.8 shots attempted by the Jazz while he is on the floor. That does seem like a staggeringly high percentage of shots taken for a point guard. By comparison, the Utah Jazz gold standard for point guards, John Stockton, took one shot for every 5.2 shots on the floor in the year in which he attempted the most field goals. The first year the Jazz made the NBA finals, Stockton took one shot for every 6. In both those seasons Stockton's field goal percentage was above 50% and consequently comparable to Deron's current shooting percentage, nullifying any argument centering around the notion that "Deron should shoot because he's hitting them."

Claim 2. "He's a chucker, takes way too many shots and isn't looking to pass."

Status: False

Deron's FGA/A (1.8) ratio is very comparable to other elite NBA point guards like Steve Nash (1.89), Baron Davis (1.72), Chauncy Billups (1.78) and substantially better than a number of guards such as Tony Parker or Gilbert Arenas. The only guards who have noticably much lower FGA/A ratios are Chris Paul and Jason Kidd. Saying "he's not one of the top two" isn't exactly a damning argument against Deron.

Claim 3. Capt. Sig. made the claim "I know he's not a good point guard because I've been watching basketball for 35 years."

Status: Ridiculous.

Sounds a lot like "I know Harpring is a good player because I appreciate good basketball" to me. If I ever have children I'm going to fine them allowance money if they ever say something as unsupportable as that. For making such an argument I award Capt. Sig. one whammy.

Needless to say, I think tater and the pearl are trying too hard. Deron shoots a lot but he distributes enough and shoots at a high enough percentage that it doesn't seem to indicate he's affirmative hurting the team. Maybe in 3 to 5 months Capt. Sig. will write an article defending his position, he should be due to write something by then.

Old News: Annie Whittaker bemoans the fact that travelling isn't called often enough in the NBA. Next she'll be telling us about this new fangled contraption called the three point line (which actually would be news to Jerry Sloan's defensive schemes) and informing us that you're allowed to draft black players now.

Bad Math: Laurie Nyland blames the Jazz loss to the Rockets on the Jazz missing nine free throws. Of course the Jazz lost by 11. Must have taken math from Jackie Corbridge.

All-Star game bashing, already?: Cameron Hansen argues that the All-Star game features low quality play. You mean players don't play hard when the game doesn't count? I'm stunned. Next he'll be telling us that players sometimes don't try their hardest on losing teams that are out of contention or in pre-season games. I know that in school I've always tried my hardest on ungraded assignments.

On the positive side, he includes this classic picture where Carlos Boozer reveals a strong affinity for Miami Vice. Harpring Sucks' crack investigative team is currently attempting to determine if he was Crockett or Tubbs for Halloween.

Blatant attempt for the "awwww factor": Not content with relying on 4th and 6th graders to provide meaninglessly cute moments, Jazzbots is now openly soliciting pictures of babies to be put on the site each week. Harpring Sucks anxiously awaits the announcement that the team is seeking picutres of ultrasounds.

Overcompensating much?: After the first Jazz loss, Jazzbots suddenly got a new writer: the director of marketing. His message: "Don't panic! It's only one loss." Just imagine what will happen if the Jazz actually start losing lots of games. With that kind of focus on keeping the public confident in the team, Larry Miller might start making Boozer and Kirilenko start selling tickets door to door like girl scouts.

An unrelated football aside: I've never actually been much of a football fan but it was a lot of fun watching the Patriots-Colts game yesterday with a crowd of law students that were generally very anti-Patriots. The most common complaints seemed to be of the "Brady's hair looks too perfect," "I'm so angry Brady sleeps with supermodels," "He keeps throwing to Randy Moss, that's not even fair," and "They're so arrogant" ilk. The Madame and I gleefully staked out our position as rooting for the Patriots on the basis that everyone had cast the game as a battle of good vs. evil and it's always more fun rooting for evil. We were disappointed in only three things.

#1. They really need to have an option for broadcasts where you can do a picture-in-picture screen with a camera that only focuses on Bill Bellichick. His reactions to every play that doesn't go perfectly are priceless. I estimate that I would pay upwards of $50 personally for this feature every year.

#2. Stephen Jackson should have played football. In a sport where routine tackles lead to a "scream, flex, dance, and kiss bicep" routine, I can only imagine what sort of trouble a guy like Jackson could get up to. Furthermore, the Madame and I want the touchdown dance tradition to be transferred to baseball. I won't be satisfied until there's a dance so elaborate that a home-run trot takes at least 3 minutes.

#3. When did Bellichick start dressing respectably? He looked like one of my father's engineering firm friends in his pressed polo. Besides the fact that Bellichick's classic look should never be modified, because who doesn't love this look?,

any time Bellicheck wears something nice it needs to be horribly wrinkled. As a future rule, any polo worn by Bellicheck should be at the bottom of his closet for a minimum of one month.

Non-Sequitur Blogoetry: I challenge anyone to decode or make sense of this poem. I'll even offer a prize. If you can advance any potential meaning of this poem, tatermoog will come to your house and cook you dinner.

Needed updates: Our sister site Retire Sloan updated....oh wait, that was in June.

Bill Simmons' Inconsistent on Jazz predictions: Basketball John points out that Bill Simmons has given contradictory positions on the Jazz fate for the current season. Next he'll be telling us that he overrates Boston players and teams. While Simmons is entertaining I don't think anyone would accuse him of being horribly consistent in his opinions. The number of times he flipped on Drew Bledsoe has been truly incredible.

Back on Thursday with a discussion of the issues facing our times: Rosie O'Donnell reportedly joining MSNBC and the decline of the Price is Right.

The VCR

It sits there on the shelf, blinking. Blinking. Blinking.

There really is no use for it. All of the tapes have either been sold at a yard sale or boxed up and put somewhere. Movies are now watched on shinier, sleeker, easier to use DVD's. If you want to record a show, the Tivo is there for you. So why won't you get rid of that blinking VCR? Because some day, it might be of use.

The Jazz have a VCR. The problem is they actually use it. Matt Harpring is The VCR.

Oh, sure, there will be times where the VCR is useful. There is the time that you use it to convert your old home movies to your computer so you can burn them onto a DVD. There is the time you "stumble" upon the old stash of Ginger Allen or Christy Canyon's best work. Yes, you will use the VCR for those few and far between times.

The Jazz feel they have to use The VCR all the time. It doesn't matter that they have shiny gadgets that have pretty much rendered The VCR obsolete. The three man rotation of Andrei Kirilenko, Ronnie Brewer, and Paul Millsap has not only made The VCR obsolete, they have rendered him useless. And yet he still gets used. I know what you are thinking: "But YB, he saved the Jazz last night with his performance in the first quarter." That was little more than burning the 1993 All Star Game to the computer. The Jazz could shelve The VCR and not miss a thing.

The Warriors were playing the second game of a back to back. Many of their players had played huge minutes the night before. They had no chance of beating the Jazz. None. Yet there was a big deal made out of The VCR's use.

When The VCR is used, time stands still. The game slows down. He moves back and forth like a TV screen playing an old movie that needs to have its tracking adjusted. I often wonder if his knee has old tangled VHS tape in it rather than scar tissue. But he is out there every night. Blinking. Blinking. Blinking. Instead of blinking "12:00", he blinks "WOOT!", "WOOT!", "WOOT!"

It is time for the Jazz to show the old man how to use his DVD player. How to use his DVR. And how to use his computer. Unplug and shelve The VCR. Donate it. Do something with it. Learn that it is no longer of use.

Capt Sig: 4th Quarter Randomness

Yes I am back. Not by choice but I can't stand Tatermoog's boobing about the conditions on the deck.


Disclaimer: I suck at intranets blogging.


The positive is the possibility unfolding that the Jazz could blow this game. That is always a good thing for Harpringsucks.com. It also appears Harpring is leading the Warriors come back.

"Chicks Dig Fur"! Good to see The BEAR give a shout out to the Wasatch Front lesbian community. There are no divisions when it comes to the Jazz. We all like fur.

Nice haircut Matt. Didn't know he flew to Paris Island to receive the 'high and tight."

I am very impressed with Boozer's off-season program. Proactive really does work.

Milsap down, Harpring winks at Secretariat in the player's "significant other" section.

Whenever I look at Baron it just seems he should be playing sax in some LA night club.

Warriors cut the lead to 9. AK gathers splinters. Plastic splinters.


Commercial break.


Little Sig had his black belt test today. Puked on lap 5 of the two mile run.

Matt is out of the game. Harpringsucks.com always feels empty when Matty heads to the bench.

Williams hits a jumper. A new twist to the Jazz offense.

Hmm, the next time you read any ESPN experts, just remember Chad Ford had Patty O'Bryant rated as the #1 pick.

Did Bolerhands just say "Mema" Okur?

The back of Joey Harrington's head looks like Plumber's Butt.

I don't see the big deal about Deron tonight. I could school Kenny G.

I love the NBA and the players it creates. Harrington is on fire, having one heck of a night. He makes a great play and celebrates. Totally oblivous that his team is down by 11. I think a great new NBA fan friendly innovation is to suddenly stop games and ask players:

1. The score
2. Their teammates currently on the floor
3. How many shots they have taken.

It has been so long between Williams's passes that it now appears he has regressed to Harpring passing capabilities.

Come on BARON. YOU CAN'T MATCH DWIL NOTE FOR NOTE!!!!

SWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN

A somewhat terrible night for harpringsucks.com. Little Harp playing time. Williams making everything, and the Jazz winning. The only thing left to look forward to is YB's ESA snatch report.

time to give AK a shot

Ak for 3

the uptimism is out of control.

That reminded of the time we let the retarded kid bat in little league.

Mansap in with 34 seconds. Time for 3 shot attempts.

Camera shot of Giricek. Subway sub of the Game. Time to reward himself with a new Prada handbag.

Jazz win. Deron with a Quad 4 and Octagonal Double 4x4. Boler will double shave his hands and splash on some lotion on after this game.

AK 3-4 from outside the paint. AK and Horny are going to celebrate by a 7 hour marathon session of Pac Man and Atari pong.

Am I done yet?

GS/UTA: Third Quarter

-Now comes the horrifying realization we've committed to liveblogging a crappy game. This is similar to my experience halfway through Transformers.

"In fifty years, don’t you want to be able to say you had the courage to get in the car?"

By the way, I don't recall anyone at my high school looking like Megan Fox.

-AGH! The Wendover Fun commercial just said the next four shows are Joan Rivers, Wayne Newton, Styx, and Carlos Mencia! It's frickin' Dante's Inferno II: The Lounge.

-Gordan Giricek with 12 points, Harpring with 8 tough points. Advantage: Harpring.

-Is there a more awkward dribbler in the league than Memo? I'm asking. Seriously.

-Jazz open up a 23-point lead. And to think, we lost Fisher's veteran leadership.

-Apparently the Jazz are using an image of AK dribbling as an advertisement for the team. I guess it constitutes more touches in some fashion.

-Jazz 8-10 from 3. That's kinda surprising.

Did you hear, Mr. Chipmunk?

-Wow, there's now a lithograph with Stockton and Malone passing the torch to Deron and Carlos. I'm sure there's an apology by LHM on the back for Deron only being half-white.

-Ronnie Brewer just hit a layup with no double-clutch. It is possible.

-Harpring in for AK. That's a tough substitution.

-Missed Inbounds Attempt for Harpring. Strange, he's usually such a fine passer.

-Warriors have cut it to 15 after the entry of Harpring. Strangely enough, Boler and Boone aren't relating the decreasing deficit to the toughness of Harpring.

-Awesome! Harpring defense! His opponent gets the ball, and Harpring CUTS TO THE BASKET. What in blazes? Needless to say, Barnes 3-pointer, Jazz now up 11.

-Someone should tell Harpring the baseline marks "out of bounds."

-*points to blog title* Fisher gave us doubts, but...thank you, Matt.

-Boler: "Monta Ellis, quick, shoot...*sound of ball clanging off rim* Airballed it."

-Matt Barnes a bit confused, tries to peg Bolerjack in the face with the basketball instead of passing the ball downcourt. An understandable mistake.

-OK, lead down to 13 in the fourth quarter. Turning this thing over to Sig/Pearl. Harp have mercy on us all.

Golden State @ Utah : Quarter 2

Oh boy. I get to cover 12 minutes of Hart, Collins, Giricek and Miles. You'll have to forgive me if you can't feel the Loudness and Proudness flowing from my keyboard. Tater got to blog AK Appears To Be Running From The KGB, Harpring's Triumphant Entry, and Brewer Hits A Three. Lucky.

And we're back. Boler continues to be impressed by how many shots Harpring can get off. Although, let's be honest. As a fan, looking at this lineup, deciding who I would want to shoot is like deciding which "pasta salad" from Chuck-a-rama I'd like to start my dinner with.

AK blocks with his elbow. Can't he do ANYTHING right?

Millsap with a triple-pump fake under the basket. Amusingly, his team kept running around as if Sap was deciding whether to shoot or to pass. Still on pace for 0 assists this season.

Harpring follow-up MLA (missed layup attempt, for the uninitiated). Booner: "He must be upset with himself." Really? Does the wind get upset with itself for blowing? Is the sun embarrassed for shining?

Boler notices that AK is displaying some "grit". Booner adds that he must have learned that from Harpring. I can't wait until AK masters the art of Stinkeye and Falling. We can only hope that the Master will stick around with the Jazz long enough to impart ALL of his wisdom to the team.

Giricek is a great shooter when he doesn't suck.

-------------------------

We re-join our blogging heroes, 15 minutes in the future. Sorry about the technical difficulties. But don't despair, I took notes that I will now transcribe:

1) Harrington's head looks like Battier's head that got left on the grill for an extra 10 minutes.

That's all I got. Back to live action.

-------------------------

I swear, FSN brought in an extra camera just to track Harpring all night. Meanwhile, Giricek is quietly having one of the best nights of his Jazz career, and not even a mention of a potential "double-double" from Boler.

I guess that quarter went better than expected. For the Jazz. And my work here is done.

*high-fives self*

Golden State at Utah: Quarter the First

-Just so you know, I'm taking a break from reading for class to liveblog this game. Here, let me give you a taste of what I'm currently reading:

If there is a bridge between life and mind abstractionists rarely cross it. They feel no need to. They are certain that what lies on the other side is only a reflection of their present position. All too often substantialists prove them right, for when they cross the bridge they generally find what they set out to find, namely, a life that reflected the mind.

/Christopher Morris, Becoming Southern

In other words, there are worse things out there than watching Jason Hart run the break.

-Good Scott, I've missed Boler, shaved hands and all. He's the pretentious uncle that talks out his ass about subjects of which he has no knowledge I never had.

-First double-double reference of the night, game hasn't even started.

-OK, in order, the Jazz game is brought to you by GMC, Toyota, Big O Tires, Geico, and the Worker's Compensation Fund. Sounds like a process.

-Ronnie Price just mentioned he "still sleeps with a basketball some times" and "his girlfriend doesn't like that." I'm more concerned for the basketball.

-Remember The Royal Tenenbaums? Remember how everyone told you that was the greatest movie ever? Remember how you said you thought it seemed well-made but didn't do anything for you? Remember how they then told you you just didn't get the movie? That's how I feel about Deron Williams.
Ha, how delightfully quirky.

-Utah loses the tip, leading 0-0.

-Boozer is trying to play defense by not shifting his feet and instead hopping bunny-like with arms outstretched. Still more effective than Harp.

-AK with a nice move, grabs the ball, pump-fakes, slips, falls into the opponent, and then throws the ball off the bottom of the backboard, and gets called for a travel. Hornacek calls his travel agent, gets tickets back to Phoenix.

-AK with his first jumper of the season. Also with his first confidence.

-AK immediately follows with a lazy TO. Confidence back down to zero. Sloan heaves a sigh of relief.

-Boler with another classic example of strange voice modulation after AK hits a jumper. "That additional work with the...[long pause]...SHOT DOCTOR paying off." I hope he doesn't think he just successfully coined another nickname. After all, it would have to be something like Money Shot Doctor.

-Jazz down 9, 6:35 to go, Timeout. In completely unrelated news, I smell smoke. Be right back.

-OK, the apartment's not on fire. MUST BE THE WARRIORS.

Hahahahaha...Wes Anderson would have thought that was funny.

-Lost my feed for a sec, Bordy's narrating.

‹bordelais8› jazz stand around, bewildered on defense as their opponent keeps launching shots that appear to not be layups

Sounds accurate enough.

-Boxscore says Hart just checked in. I think my IP was just launching a preemptive strike.

-Harpring in.

SWAN!

-DOWN GOES DAVIS.

Matt Harpring just toughed the hell out of him.

-Y'know, I can pretty much do this liveblog without a video feed. Jazz stand around on defense, Harpring's cutting around yelling "woot," baskets are exchanged. And so on and so forth.

-Feed back, first words I hear are (in an admiring tone): "Matt Harpring." Then Boler proceeds to gush man love.

-Boler: *interrupting Boone's Harp love* "And he has attitude!"
Boone: *somewhat dejectedly* "And he has attitude..."
*pause*
"A tough attitude!"

I'm sure there were nods all around.

-Harpring is doing quite well for himself. 5 shots in 3 minutes. Must still be recovering.

-Was going to add another picture making fun of Baron Davis, did a Google Image Search for "eggs in headbands." Nothing good came of it, though somebody knitted some adorable little outfits for some eggs.

-Ronnie Brewer just hit a 3. First, that was unexpected. Second, bet he gets subbed next stoppage in play.

-3 seconds left in the quarter, Harp can shoot two more times.

-29-28, Jazz, and Phase Three of Project Status Quo is initiating. Farewell, AK. Hello, Harp.

Second Verse, Same as the First: LiveBlog One, Intro and Invocation

As part of an ongoing initiative to push the picture of Kathy Bates in a hot tub off the first page, the HarpringSucks Crew has decided to post our first liveblog of the year. At least, as long as Bordy gets done with his kid's birthday party quickly enough. Let's hope he avoided the Dora Chinese Fun Time Pack.

For those of you not in the know, liveblogs provide the HS writers with an opportunity to analyze games as they happen, comment on NBA storylines, type the word "boobs," act like we have actual content on this site, and give the Pearl/Sig a chance to James Joyce his way to associations between "Shane Battier" and "hot dog juice." Keep in mind, the quality of the liveblog is always dependent upon the game (thus the reason I always take the first quarter), so if it isn't funny, the game sucks. Or SJF is the current liveblogger.

The HarpringSucks Game of the Night, of course, is between the Utah Jazz and the Golden State Warriors. The first game between the two gave the Utah Jazz fan hope, suggesting the future of the team might consist of entertaining lineups, an active AK, actual quality playing time for Ronnie Brewer, and little in the way of Matt Harpring.

Of course, then came the second game. Sloan, the passion of the game ignited deep in his withered loins, realized he would need to compete with a much better Houston team. Off the bench came Jason Hart, stalwart warrior. Paul Millsap, out of the game with 3 fouls, was replaced ably by Jarron Collins. Deron Williams and Carlos Boozer, Captain Auras glowing, shot the ball and afterwards waited for the ball to return so they could shoot it again. And Andrei Kirilenko, five shots and minimum contribution stinging, sobbed into a fold of Okur's chins as the team lost an always competitive game. If only there had been some way of stopping T-Mac from driving through an open lane. If only.

So, here we are at the third game of the season. This could be the team's opportunity to show the failure at Houston was a fluke, this is a new team and new concept, things will be different, a Pure Harping Adrenaline Rush.

My guess is probably not.

Water Moccasins.

Dear Jazzbots, are you there? It's me. Sirkickyass.

When Ralph Wiley died, ESPN.com scrambled to find a new black writer who could speak credibly about the frequent race issues facing the NBA. Unfortunately the settled upon one Scoop Jackson who was previously primarily known for his work on SLAM magazine, a publication that is one of the primary contributors to inextricably tying up professional basketball with hip-hop culture. Jackson, unfortunately, celebrates the worst aspects of hip-hop culture and makes frequent bizarre predictions and proclamations. Somehow, he still has a job despite stunningly bad errors in judgment (one popular story is that he threatened to quit his job at SLAM magazine if they didn't put Allen Iverson on the cover while he was still at Georgetown, when the magazine did so the issue bombed and became the worst selling copy in the publication's history) and awful writing.

This week, Jackson wrote an article called "NBAipedia" that constituted a number of opinions about the upcoming season. Some samples of his "gems" of insight include predicting that Kim Kardashian will be the most desired woman in the NBA this season, detailing the most fashionable watches for NBA players, bemoaning that Nike discontinued a line of commercials featuring Lebron James, talking about new clubs in Miami, and telling his readers about Tiffany jewelry. At least he balances this all out by calling Kenyon Martin the last true power forward in the league; which is a little like calling Kathy Bates the last true Hollywood beauty.

In ESPN's NBA predictions series this week Jackson also indicated that Rasheed Wallace was the most important player in the league (when asked about these statements, Jackson replied only "everyone wrote hard"), picked Steve Francis (who received a DNP-coach's decision in the season opener) for most improved player, and indicates that the only thing wrong with the Bulls last year was that the coach wouldn't let them wear headbands. In a league where it is frequently asserted that there's a fundamental disconnect between the guys who can buy tickets and the hip-hop centered players and culture, Scoop Jackson is the primary villain.

Good thing ESPN decided to feature him this week. I'm sure his focus on all the worst aspects of the league really will help ESPN's ratings this season.

Bizarre and unrelated confessions: One Mueller daughter, while writing about how much she is looking forward to the upcoming season, bizarrely confesses to the many different methods she has used to sneak peeks at upcoming Christmas presents. I'm sure her parents are so proud.

I anxiously await her confession that she also steals her siblings' teeth and puts them under her pillow in hopes of fooling the tooth fairy.

A clue you should stop posting: Keith Haney flatly admitted this week that he had nothing to write and instead talked about how great Boston is. A member of the Mueller family also acknowledged that she was straining to come up with a decent topic. That's 2 jazzbots bloggers that have admitted they have nothing to say, we only have roughly 20 more to go.

I just can't wait to see what quote Laurie Nyland would open up with when she acknowledges her own uselessness. I'm going to suggest one by the immortal Joseph Conrad: "It occurred to me that my speech or my silence, indeed any action of mine, would be a mere futility."

He's being paid $1 million this season to blog: Morris Almond was left off the opening day roster in favor of Jarron Collins. This is somewhat like being told that you can't be in the Justice League because you're not good enough to replace Aquaman. Given that Almond was the Jazz first round draft pick, they have to make him do something. Enter jazzbots.com, where Morris Almond is the newest blogger.

Couldn't he have made himself useful in some way? Do the real players' laundry or something? As of right now he's getting outwritten by Annie Whittaker who could charitably be described as the Jarron Collins of Jazzbots. How embarrassing.

Gross Omissions: Tammy Rasmussen compiles a list of her favorite sports nicknames in a jazzbots post this week. Although she included some of the great sports nicknames like "The Round Mound of Rebound" most of her inclusions are lame. Let's be honest "King James," "Babe" Ruth, "Primetime," all feel generic or generally uncreative. The following omissions from her list are completely unconscionable.

Darrell "Dr. Dunkenstein" Griffith (extra shame because he was on the Jazz, so she really should have known)

Darryl "Chocolate Thunder" Dawkins (extra points because he gave the nickname to himself)

Georges "Chicoutimi Cucumber" Vezina.

Marvin "The Human Eraser" Webster

Rod "He Hate Me" Smart (whose real name I actually had to look up because I only knew him as "He Hate Me")

Andre "Bad Moon" Rison

Chris "Pee Drinking" Paul (still a classic jazz game chant. They really need a graphic for this on the Jumbotron)

And a personal favorite that probably reveals that I was an economics major: New York Jets Mark Gastineau, Joe Klecko, and the rest of the early 1980s defensive line were collectively known as the "New York Sack Exchange."

Ron Artest sighted at Utah High School Football Game: Annie Whittaker reports that she was present for a rather large brawl in the stands at a local football playoff game. Sadly she remains unharmed enough to type.

Ticket Sales say differently: Karen Chatterton's students expressed well-wishes for the Jazz before the season began. One student writes "“It doesn’t matter if you win or lose, your fans are still rooting for you.” I'm sure that Larry Miller agrees after seeing a half-empty building frequently in the one season the Jazz went 26-56.

For absolutely no reason: The Madame's cat has a serious need to lose weight. Her belly drags on the ground when she runs, she manages to routinely take dumps that have to be hauled away by a bulldozer, and she's starting to develop a perceptible gravitational field. Alarmingly the cat is only gaining weight over time, to the extent that I'm convinced that a) the Madame is feeding her McDonald's double quarter pounders and b) if you were to shave her you could knit a XXL sweater out of the fur. The cat is about one more protein smoothie away from turning into this:

Since this is a cat that's clearly lost all self control, I have suggested that we motivate her the same way I motivate everyone: shame.

My theory is that if we tape several photographs of thins cats at her cat's eye level all around the Madame's apartment we can establish a negative body image of the "ideal" cat in this feline's brain. Additionally, I think it would be helpful to put the above picture of a morbidly obese cat right next to the cat's food bowl. Hopefully, using these methods, we can induce "catorexia."

Something has to happen soon. At this point I'm worried she could kill me just by passing wind.

Spoke too soon: Jonathan Kendrick did a feature this week on getting to know Kevin Lyde ... exactly one day before he was waived. So much for the Jazzbots having inside information as promised.

Punctuation gone crazy: The Mueller family (a favorite punching bag of Harpring Sucks) recently had a lengthy post which contained more consecutive question marks in one sentence than paragraphs in the entire article. Good thing, as she acknowledges later, she's "not one to answer any of those questions."

That was really enlightening Mueller family, thank you. Should have stuck to your previous admission that you had nothing to say rather than trying to force the issue.

Jazzbots gets professional broadcaster added to staff, stunningly become less credible: Tom Nissalke has started blogging for Jazzbots, Harpring Sucks cheers as this is sure to guarantee a wealth of new material in future posts. In this post he tells us how great a coach Jerry Sloan is. I'm thrilled we're getting coaching recommendations from a guy who was a former coach, even if his career record was 371-508.

Leerooooooooooooy Jeeeeennnnnnnnkins!: We've made a hobby out of picking on Matt Harpring, but nothing has ever reminded me of Harpring more than this youtube clip. While everyone tries to come up with a coherent plan for victory Matt "Leeroy Jenkins" Harpring just charges in looking to score. Fast forward to the 1:23 mark for one of the greatest battle cries in the history of everything.




Bad Idea: Jonathan Kendrick seems to suggest he likes Matt Harpring's chances of supplanting Ronnie Brewer in the starting lineup. Of course he also suggests that Jerry Sloan would play Gordan Giricek in the last few minutes of a game, leading me to believe that a) he hasn't actually watched a game in a few years or b) he was on mind-altering substances when blogging.

I'm going with option b, if for no other reason than this is better written than most of his posts and I feel like that's as good an explanation as any.

Early Rush to Judgment: After watching half of one game Jazzbots' Patrick Kinahan makes a spirited argument that Boozer and Deron Williams will be better than much-beloved John Stockton and Karl Malone.

In completely unrelated news, Kinahan also believed in October of 2001 that George W. Bush would be our most popular president ever, proclaimed that tech stocks couldn't lose in February of 2001, bought tons of canned goods in December of 1999, picked Howard Dean to win the Democratic nomination in September of 2003, and was convinced that invading Cuba with an undermanned force was a good idea.

Unfortunately "to write" wasn't an option: Laurie Nyland listed made a list of 10 things she learned during the Jazz first game of the season. Number 11 may well be that she has to pay David Letterman royalty checks for stealing his gimmick.

Among the things she "learned:" Officials suck, announcers are generally uninteresting, and Mehmet Okur played a bad game. I didn't even watch the game and I could have told you all of those things.

Laurie, by the way, is described as filling the position of "Jazz Wife." Why the Jazz thought we needed the perspective of someone who's a "Jazz Wife" is curious as it implies that if you're a wife you can't be a fan in your own right. It might make sense if she was married to a Jazz player, but I'm pretty sure they could all do better (although the Pillow Fort incident indicates that Brewer might settle for anyone). If I was the Madame I would demand a "Jazz Husband" position for gender equality purposes, but only the Madame is that crazy. Luckily I know she won't read this because she'll be feeding her cat twinkies.

Outright theft: Keith Haney doles out Halloween costume ideas. Good thing no one did that recently. Especially not on this site.

At least his costumes were all NBA themed, but he left some obvious NBA based costumes out. Examples: The Second-Round monkey on Tracy McGrady's back, a member of Stephen Jackson's entourage, Torrey Ellis (looks strangely like Deron Williams), and Larry Miller's elbow. Nothing's scarier than Larry Miller's elbow. Nothing.

Nothing.