Free Agency Grades: Week One

Just in case you were wondering, Harpringsucks is way better at evaluating how this week's free agent deals are going to pan out than about 30 NBA GMs. That's the principle that seems to guide all other media outlets when they report on sports, so we see no reason to break from tradition. On with the grades!

Rashard Lewis (Max Salary to Orlando/5 years)

This deal reflects the current logic of the new breed of Eastern Conference General Managers who appear to be looking at this year's playoffs and thinking "wow, the Cavaliers made the NBA finals. This means if we build a wholly mediocre team we might have a decent shot at making it out of our conference and earning the right to be pounded into a pulp in four games by whatever behemoth comes out of the Western Conference." This logic totally confounds me. It's sort of like trading ten years of your life to watch someone else have carnal relations with Jessica Alba. God knows I want to shell out millions of dollars to watch the Spurs party on my home-court. This signing in my mind is only indicative that the eastern conference has now acknowledged that they are playing for second place for the foreseeable future.

Orlando just paid max money to a guy who's made the all-star game all of once. That would be ok if he was some young up-and-coming star who was going to improve substantially over the course of his contract, but Lewis will be 28 by the time the season starts. That means we've probably seen what we're going to see out of him, and frankly this isn't the guy you give max money to; this is the guy you hope is the other team's best player. Poor Orlando Magic fans, they've had to suffer through the reigns of Grant Hill, Tracy McGrady, and Steve Francis in recent years and don't have a whole lot to show for it. I can only assume at this point they're riding Space Mountain over and over again in hopes the whiplash will make being an NBA fan in Orlando enjoyable.

Grade: F

Luke Walton ($30 million with the Lakers/6 years)

I can only assume that the Lakers front office was doing this just to moon Kobe Bryant. They just forked way too much money over for the son of a red headed step-child who speaks only in hyperbole. The worst part of this deal isn't even the cash, it's the number of years the Lakers just stuck themselves to a C-level talent. That's like dating a kind of hot dumb girl for a year and marrying her by default just because you couldn't find anyone better within ten feet. By the time this deal expires Phil Jackson will be on his tenth hip and Jerry Buss will probably be dead. Of course, maybe that's the plan. Buss is trying to screw the team in the long term so when a new owner gets ahold of the franchise they can't help but suffer through several years of mediocrity and Buss will look good in comparison. Interestingly I think that's also the legacy-making strategy of the current president.

Grade: F

Vince Carter ($61.8 million with New Jersey/4 years)

Like this guy needed any more reason not to care about anything. The last couple years he's downshifted from 3rd gear (and he hasn't been in fourth or fifth gear in several years) to 2nd. Next year I fully expect him to be eating pulled pork sandwiches on the bench, balloon to Shawn Kemp-esque weight, and shift his game into reverse.

In a weird way Vince Carter is the athlete I most identify with. If I could be that good without trying I don't think I'd care much either. I'm stunned he hasn't gotten endorsement deals from Prozac yet, no matter how much people complain about him he just cashes gigantic checks and doesn't care. If people said this much bad stuff about Andrei Kirilenko he'd be shriveled like a prune because he'd have cried out every bit of moisture in his entire body. I want to give this deal an F, but I like Vince, so:

Grade: D-

Grant Hill (Veteran's minimum to Phoenix/2 years)

Screw you Grant Hill. You played like 2 seasons total on your seven year contract for max money with Orlando and now you're turning around and taking a discount so you can play for the Suns. What's up for Act 2? Raping babies and supporting the Hitler Youth?

In all seriousness, I hope you break all the bones in your feet and ankles for about the ninth time and play all of 10 games for the Suns. The basketball karma gods demand it.

Grade: F. Even if it's great for the suns, I feel like supporting it would make me a worse person morally.

Matt Carroll ($27 million with Charlotte/6 years)

Charlotte's grand strategy: We haven't had a winning season yet, let's bring back all the same players we've been fooling around with these last few years and see if anything changes! Just to be clear, this is very close to the clinical definition of insanity. On the plus side, every time Michael Jordan does anything we get to see Rachel Nichols report on it with her hair curiously mussed. Last week I'm convinced she had a milk moustache while she reported on Jordan consulting pal Charles Oakley on what a prudent blackjack wager would be.

Matt Carroll is a 3 point specialist who doesn't play defense, doesn't rebound, doesn't do much of anything but sport a 5th grader's hair cut and shoot like there's no tomorrow. He's like a better Adam Morrison without the moustache. In other words this is what we can someday look forward to in the best case scenario out of Morris Almond.

Grade: G

Jason Kapono ($24 million to Toronto/4 years)

I'm hiring Jason Kapono's agent to represent me in pretty much every negotiation I'm ever involved in. The guy must be like Johnny Cochran and Jesus mixed with sugar. Out of respect for him, I'm giving this deal an A. (Psssst! Call me!)

Grade: A

Derek Fisher (Declares Independence)

This has already been covered ad nauseum on this site. I'm currently investigating what it would take to make the Jazz divorce Matt Harpring. Needless to say we're glad to see Mr. Fisher go. This is better than that time we got rid of an aging Jeff Malone and actually got a useful player back.

Grade: A+++

Impending signing of Morris Peterson by Utah

I'm sure you'll hear more about this next week.

Impending Grade: Holocaust