Free Agency Grades: Week Three

While week one of NBA free agency provided widespread insanity and week two showcased the most noble of human emotions, desperation, this week showed why general managers are so reactionary in the first place: after the first couple of weeks no one notable is really left to go after. As an explanatory note: any time the top free agents are a washed-up Steve Francis and Mo Williams the free agent pool is officially shallow enough that only an unwatched infant could drown in it.

Steve Francis to the Houston Rockets ($6 million/2 years):

The Rockets are assembling quite the cast of characters. In addition to second round virgins Tracy McGrady and Yao Ming the Rockets first traded for Mike James, who has proven only that he can have one great year on a terrible Raptors team and then follow it up by barely keeping his job against the likes of Marko Jaric and Troy Hudson, and then making this truly weird signing.

I understand "The Franchise" as he was known during his heyday in Houston has some value for those nostalgic Rockets Fans that want to remember the days when this team was consistently around .500, but does anyone really think this is a good idea. The Rockets now a) have three players who always need the ball to be effective, an energy guy who's head looks like a pack of hot dogs, and a 90 year old center whose voice sounds shockingly like the Cookie Monster making up a large portion of their core and b) have roughly 20,000 point guards including three they've gotten since the season ended (Aaron Brooks, Mike James, and Steve Francis).

Furthermore, Houston just got ANOTHER player who's not exactly known for post-season success. At least they mitigated all of this by hiring playoff choke-artist Rick Adelman to be their new coach. Shockingly people seem to somehow think this episode of "How the World Turns" will be different than the last ten. Sorry guys, your chances of becoming an elite team are deader than your Enron based tech-economy.

Grade: Kermit Washington

Mo Williams re-signs with the Milwaukee Bucks ($52 million/6 years):

As someone who follows the Jazz this is something that hurts; seeing a player that was a cast-off be good enough to actually deserve a large contract. Especially given that we're now going to bat with Dee Brown (who was unimpressive in Rocky Mountain Revue Summer League Games against marginal NBA players) and Jason Hart (who's most notable career moment was probably doing Elton Brand's laundry) as our back-up point guards.

The following is an excerpt of a conversation about whether Mo Williams was worth slightly less than $2 million/yr that actually occurred two years ago on the largest Utah jazz message board:

Why is it that everyone suddenly thinks mo is going to be better than those
two?

"Those two" refers to Carlos Arroyo and Raul Lopez. Seriously. Insanely this was done by someone who actually used to cover the Jazz for a local publication. It boggles my mind that this guy turned out to be as good as he is after being so mediocre in Utah. This is like dumping a girl for being uninteresting and fat and finding out three years later that she's a Nobel laureate and is now a supermodel after intensive work with a personal trainer. I don't think I'll ever be the same. In the words of Corky from Waiting for Guffman "I'm going to go home and BITE MY PILLOW!"

At least now all those people who insist that players get worse automatically when they leave the Jazz have an unanswerable example they can't defend against in Mo. I guess that's something.

Grade: A resentful B+. I just can't be mean about Mo.

Other than those two everything else were pretty minor deals this week.

Desmond Mason returns to Milwaukee, terms undisclosed

Another case of a team trying to return to its glory days of mediocrity. At least now Bobby Simmons has someone to hang out with in the treehouse for players who get paid but never meet expectations. And if you question that these guys would hang out in a treehouse remember that an NBA player's treehouse probably has a kegerator filled with Hypnotiq and groupies waiting for the players to invite them up in spite of the "No Girls Allowed" sign by offering the rope ladder. That sounds like my dream house.

Grade: D----- (I can't give it an F because I like treehouses. It's irrational I know)

Chris Mihim re-signs with Lakers ($5 million/2 years):

I really want a job where I can sit out an entire year because I'm not healthy enough to perform and then get resigned for $5 million. Especially when I wasn't very good at my job in the first place. Then again President Bush will probably make millions on the lecture circuit after his presidency is over so I guess large rewards for mediocrity and non-performance isn't unique to the NBA.

Grade: F

Jake Voskuhl signs with Milwaukee ($3 million/1 year):

Can someone explain to me why this guy is better than Paul Shirley again? I really want Paul Shirley to make another NBA team. The amount of dirt he can dish would be way too good to pass up. It would be like if Bob Woodward was named the Laker's new point guard. Dear god let someone sign Paul Shirley this year.

Grade: F

Andre Brown signs with Memphis:

He's an undrafted free agent that I've barely heard of, but I ran across this amusing tidbit in the Memphis Commercial Appeal:

According to a source, the Grizzlies have signed 6-foot-9, 245-pound free
agent power forward Andre Brown to add depth to their front line. Brown, 26, who
made his NBA debut last season in Seattle, is an athletic, explosive leaper the
team was hoping to find.

I want the Grizzlies' PR people handling my affairs from now on. If you can convince a news outlet that Andre Brown is the guy you were hoping to find then you're either passing out bribes or have incredible mind control powers. If it's the former I'm impressed with your chutzpah and if its the latter you're more impressive to me than Albert Einstein. Even if the reality is that he'll never see any meaningful time in Memphis he now always can prove that someone thought he was good once. I'm sure that newspaper clipping is on his mom's fridge right now.

Cheikh Samb signs with Detroit

I was pleased to learn that Detroit understands the value of exploring other cultures, and as a result has signed a prospect from Senegal that they describe as "raw." For your own Cheikh Samb do the following:

Gather the following ingredients:

2 Tbsp Oil
1 minced onion per portion
3-4 minced Garlic Cloves
1 tbsp minced Ginger (opt.)
1lb beef stewed chopped into chunks (in Detroit's case this was presumably the raw portion)
2 Tbsp Tomato paste
2 cups peeled, seeded, diced Tomatoes
2 cups Salt & Pepper to taste
1-2 cups of water
1 cup Peanut Butter


1. Heat the oil over medium-high heat in a large pot. Add the onions and sauté till translucent.
Add garlic and ginger and sauté 1-2 more minutes.

2. Add the beef and sauté till lightly browned.

3. Add the tomato paste and stir in for about 1 minute. Stir in the tomatoes, bring to a boil, then reduce heat to medium-low. Season. Simmer 10-15 minutes to reduce the tomatoes somewhat.

4. Add enough water or stock to loosen the dish up and simmer another 10 minutes.

5. Stir in the peanut butter and simmer another 40 minutes or so until the beef is tender and oil rises to the surface of the dish.

6. Adjust seasoning and serve with rice or couscous.

Voila! Your own Chiekh Samb for enjoyment at home or for your own team. How Joe Dumars expects this to block shots, though, I have no idea.

Grade: Delicious but gamy.

That's pretty much it for this week. Check back next week when we find out the results of our very own "The Pearl" trying to sign Matt Harpring's wife out of free agency while he's away managing his basketball camps and distributing "The Harpring Way" videos.

Anticipated Grade: Adulterous.