The Utah Jazz Follow Stephon Marbury to mythical lands

New York Knicks guard Stephon Marbury made an interesting claim the other day: he's going to move to Italy (he's been there once) in two years and play out the end of his career in the Italian league rather than play in the United States. He then compared himself to David Beckham "but without all the cheating on Posh Spice." Of course, he has important things to do in Italy. He's already talking about "spreading the Starbury movement to Italy." I can only presume the movement consists of the people wearing his $15 tennis shoes. For some reason I'm having problems picturing Italian teens wearing gaudy basketball shoes with their Armani suits. Although I suspect they'd be far more organized about stealing expensive shoes over there, maybe even make people a few offers they can't refuse.

In the midst of all this ridiculousness, however, Harpringsucks got to thinking "where are some of our favorite players going to play out their waning years?"

Derek Fisher: Liliput

Upside: Our favorite 6'1" shooting guard will only lose athleticism and quickness as time goes on. The solution? Go somewhere where even the tallest shooting guards are barely a foot high. It would be nigh impossible to get dunked on repeatedly or get your shot blocked by the players in the Liliputian league.

Downside: The risk of accidentally stepping on someone from the other team and crushing them is very high. That's a flagrant 5 foul. Additionally, the Liliputians play some stiff defense:


Rafael Arujao: Candy Land

Upside: The Rules are easy to remember. No playbook. Also "HOFFA LOVE CANDY!!!11!"

Downside: Outcome of the game is pre-determined when you sit down. You still have to have talent to get off the bench.

Ron Artest: Arkham Asylum

Upside: The walls are padded and comfortable. Your motives are unquestioned and you get all kinds of great medicine. One of the previous occupants even started dating his psychotherapist and she began to accompany him for all of his hilarious criminal hijinks. They even have an athletic department and I'm pretty sure Artest could shut down The Riddler's streetball-style game. Bodying up Killer Croc might be a problem though.

Downside: Your roommates suck, the food is awful, and you can't call yourself "Tru Warier" without a cool costume.

Andrei Kirilenko: Trail of Tears

Upside: Everyone will sympathize with your plight. You will be featured in Howard Zinn's people's history of the United States where he will demonize Jerry Sloan as your oppressor.

Downside: Forced relocation to Oklahoma. Yuck.

Oliver Miller: Burger King Kingdom

Upside: You get to be teammates with "Sir-Shakes-a-Lot" and "The Duke of Doubt."

Downside: Judging by the nicknames, this venue only hosts an And-1 Team. Also, the Franchise has been phased out since the mid 1980s.

John Amaechi: Neverland Ranch

I'm just going to stop right here before I go too far.

Gordan Giricek: Elbonia

Upside: Plenty of mud to smear on his emaciated features. Recently overthrew socialist government. Pigs have a role in the government, which shows signs of United States modelling.

Downside: Everyone has beards, even the women and infants. Seriously, the figures below are described as women:Additionally, the national bird is the frisbee and they are involved in a long-term nuclear conflict with a neighboring country.

Matt Harpring: Land of Oz

Upside: No one looks behind the curtain to see that (metaphorically) the emperor has no clothes. People will believe you're great and powerful, build you palaces, and sing your praises even if you have no actual power.

Downside: Ozsucks.com is already a registered domain name. Eventually the combined might of a little girl in red shoes (Gordan Giricek), a man made of tin (the injury prone Carlos Boozer), a lion who had courage all along (Paul Millsap) will dethrone you. Unfortunately right now the Scarecrow with no brain is the coach.