Perfect Strangers: Jazz Edition

[Scene: Larry and Balki’s apartment. Larry is on the couch, looking worried. Balki enters to piped-in crowd applause]

Balki: “Cousin Larry! It’s another lovely day in America!” [minces]



Larry: “Yes, yes it is, Balki. [sighs]



Balki: “You’re not happy. Back in Mepos, we have saying: ‘bing bong binki binki, linkin lonkin marvin shticky.’”

[laughter]

Larry: “And it means?”



Balki: “Something to do with a sheep.”


[laughter. Balki sits by Larry]

Balki: “So, what’s the big problem, little man?”



Larry: [sighs] “Well, I was trying to impress Jennifer again, and, well...I might have told her a little fib.”


Balki: “Oh, here we go again.” [laughter]



Larry: “I might have told her I’m a great basketball player.”



Balki: “Oh no.”



Larry: “[whimpering] I just wanted her to like me. Just once, I’d like her to look at me and think, ‘Wow, that Larry Appleton. He’s good at something.’ But I’m nothing, Balki. A big zero...unless...”


Balki: “Don’t say it.”


Larry: "I have a plan!"



Balki: "Oh no." [laughter]



Larry: “Balki, you’re a good basketball player, aren’t you? Didn’t Mr. Gorpley put you on his rec. league team?”


Balki: “Well, not to bleed a dead hog, but I am a bit of a ‘baller’ as you Americans say.”



Larry: “Perfect! OK, Balki, I need you to fake an injury. Then you’ll tell Gorpley that I’m the best replacement you know. I invite Jennifer to the game, hit a few layouts...”


Balki: “Layups.”



Larry: “Layups!...and then I fake a knee injury, and she’ll think I was a great player who just had injury problems, and you can take your spot back!”


Balki: “Larry, you’re 5' tall and play basketball like Dmitri. It won’t work.”



Larry: “Believe in me, Balki! You want to help your Cousin Larry, don’t you?”



Balki: “Of course I do, don’t be ridiculous.” [laughter]



Larry: “Then just help this one time. I promise you, this will be the last time you have to help me!”


Balki: “Welllll....all right, one more time.”



Larry: "“Thank you, Balki!”



Balki: "Now we so happy, we do the Dance of Joy!”



[Dance of Joy to wild applause, commercial]

[return from commercial, cue comedy basketball highlight]

















[Scene: next day, Balki enters carrying a groaning Larry. Laughter from audience. Balki dumps Larry on couch.]

Balki: “Well, now you’ve done it. Now you’ve REALLY done it. First you miss seven layups out of nine. Then your man scores 32 points on you. And THEN you yell at your teammates to try and make it look like it was their fault to Jennifer. What do you have to say for yourself?”

Larry: “Ow.” [laughter]



Balki: “And how do you hurt your knee lightly jogging down the court?”



Larry: “Balki, I’m sorry. I knew I shouldn’t have pretended to be a basketball player. You were right, I was wrong. But for fifteen glorious minutes, Jennifer actually thought I was special.”

Balki: “Cousin Larry, come on, now. You should know by now that Jennifer doesn’t think you’re special because you play basketball. [cue sentimental saxophone music] It’s because you are who you are. A sad, slow, lying little man.”

Larry: “[pleadingly] Do you mean it? Do you really mean it?”



Balki: “Of course I do. And I like you for who you are, too. [comic musical cue] And that someone is definitely not a basketball player.” [laughter]


Larry: “If my knee weren’t fragmented into thousands of pieces, we’d do the Dance of Joy right now!”

[laughter, cue ending music. Ending music interrupted by sound of phone ringing. Larry answers.]

Larry, on phone: “Hello, Larry Appleton speaking...Mr. Gorpley? Hello...yeah....really?...really?!...Wow, that’s incredible. Thank you, sir. Thank you!”

[hangs up]

“That was Mr. Gorpley. He knows I had a rough game and got injured, but he said he liked my hustle and grit. He’s wanting me to join the team full-time!”

Balki: “Oo-wow. OK...that makes no sense, but I’m happy for you.”



Larry: “He’s giving me your minutes.”



Balki: “....what?”



Larry: “Oh, come on, Balki. Can’t you get past your selfishness and be happy for me?”



Balki: “Oh...well...I guess you’re right. After all, I respect you for who you are, basketball player or not. [cue sentimental music again] And besides, we’re on the same team. Now how about having that Dance of Joy?”

Larry: “Actually, on second thought, I hate you.”