The Inquiry (Part 1)

NOTE: The following Harpring Sucks entry is intended as satire. In no way does it depict actual events nor does it implicate any individuals for actual war crimes. Then again, if someone believes that a group of millionaire basketball players would be called to serve in the military, that person has problems beyond this disclaimer.

In late April and early May of 2007, a group of young men went into battle for the first time. Of the group of soldiers who experienced combat, only two lived to tell about it. In late May of 2007, an inquiry was conducted by the Department of Defense to find out exactly what happened to that brave young squad who called themselves The Utah Jazz. The following is a transcript of that inquiry:

Lead Investigator: Gentlemen, we are here today to go over the events of late April and early May, in which the brave soldiers of Utah Jazz Company were led into battle against the enemy. All but two perished. We are not here to assign blame, but rather to find out what happened and to see if such a tragedy can be prevented in future battles. The troops were under General Sloan. General Sloan is here today to answer questions. Besides myself, we have two other Investigators who will be asking questions. General Sloan, are you prepared to answer questions?

General Sloan: This has been my toughest year yet. Sometimes in this business we have to do things that are hard.

Lead Investigator: Is that a "yes"?

General Sloan: It's whatever the fu...

Lead Investigator: Okay, let's proceed. General Sloan, can you sum up what happened with Utah Jazz Company?

General Sloan: We had to go to battle and I don't think many of the guys really knew what to expect. Some of them were overwhelmed.

Second Investigator: Do you feel you prepared them well enough?

General Sloan: We try to prepare them to be ready, but we can't make them ready. They have to do it on their own. They get paid, don't they? They collect their pay on the 15th and 30th. That should make them ready to go. We can't babysit them and hold their hand.

Third Investigator: You keep saying "we". To whom else are you referring?

General Sloan: Well, there's me. There's Colonel Johnson. And there's Major Corbin and Major Layden. We all try to prepare the guys.

Second Investigator: Again, do you feel you prepared them well enough?

General Sloan: We try to teach them and prepare them, but in the end, it's up to the guys to be ready. Be in shape. Tuck in their uniforms.

Lead Investigator: I am not sure it sounds as if you prepared your men for the battle that was ahead. Are you sure that you had those thirteen brave youn...

General Sloan: Twelve.

Lead Investigator: Excuse me?

General Sloan: I only sent twelve men into battle. I didn't feel that Private Brewer was ready for action.

Lead Investigator: I stand corrected. Are you sure that you had those twelve brave young men ready for battle?

General Sloan: I thought we did, then again, I wasn't sure about what we had. That's always the fun part of this business is seeing who responds when the action starts.

Third Investigator: Your idea of fun sounds a bit warped.

General Sloan: *mutters short, inaudible response*

Second Investigator: General Sloan, tell us about your plan.

General Sloan: Well, I had Utah Jazz Company broken into two squads. One that would start the battle and another that would support and spell the first squad. If I may, I would like to have the two surviving members, who are here today, tell their story, if that's agreeable.

Lead Investigator: I don't see any reason why we shouldn't hear from them. There are some very serious questions that need to be answered. So who would you like to speak first?

General Sloan: I would like to have First Lieutenant Okur from our first squad speak. Lieutenant, front and center.

*1st Lt. Okur moves to the table and is sworn in under oath*

Lead Investigator: 1st Lt. Okur, please tell us about your squad.

Lt. Okur: Our squad was made up of five men. There was Capt. Fisher, Sgt. Williams, myself, 1st Lt. Boozer, Co...

Third Investigator: Excuse my interuption, but you said 1st Lt. Boozer? Isn't your rank also 1st Lieutenant? Why do you have two 1st Lieutenants in the same squad?

Lt. Okur: Lt. Boozer leads the charge for the first part of the battle but then I step in at the end when things get tight. That is what saved me. I hung around the perimeter and waited for my turn.

Second Investigator: That is odd that the Department of Defense would have two men with identical Company grade Officer rankings.

Lt. Okur: Neither myself nor 1st Lt. Boozer had much use for the Department of Defense.

Lead Investigator: Okay, Lieutenant, please continue.

Lt. Okur: There was me, Capt. Fisher, Sgt. Williams, 1st Lt. Boozer, and Corporal Andrei.

Third Investigator: Corporal Andrei? In my notes it states that he is Captain Andrei.

Lt. Okur: No sir. He used to be Captain Andrei but General Sloan busted him all the way down to Corporal. Sometimes, when we are training, Andrei has to do latrine duty.

Lead Investigator: Tell us about the other men.

Lt. Okur: Well, Corporal Andrei was probably my best friend in the company. He was what we felt Utah Jazz Company was about. He would lead us and we were happy to follow. Then General Sloan began to bust his chops because Andrei would do things his own way and eventually, Andrei lost his bars and was busted down to Corporal. Because of the demotion, he was rarely allowed to participate in the strategies for any offensive attack that might take place.

Lead Investigator: How did he take that?

Lt. Okur: He kept a lot of his frustrations to himself, but sometimes he would let off steam and it effected the squad.

Lead Investigator: What happened to Corporal Andrei?

Lt. Okur: Corporal Andrei was like a man possessed. He was all over the place. Running here and there. Very brave. He was constantly on the attack and was trying very hard to hold the enemy back. Then, it happened.

Second Investigator: What happened?

Lt. Okur: Corporal Andrei was attempting his own offensive attack apart from what the rest of the company was doing when he stepped on the boot of one of the enemy combatants and died from a severe ankle injury.

Third Investigator: Tragic. How about 1st Lt. Boozer? What happened to him?

Lt. Okur: We called him "Booz". "Booz" was a guy who looked like he might enjoy running through walls. He was equipped for getting in the trenches and fighting the toughest battles. In training drills, he would often hit his target at least ten times with his shooting and at least ten times with grenades.

Second Investigator: Is that an impressive feat, ten things in two items?

Lt. Okur: To some it is. We just wanted to see him do it when it really counted. Anyway, "Booz" was fighting the good fight when he suddenly was face to face with a taller enemy. Despite his best efforts, the enemy kept pushing "Booze" further and further from the trenches. Then, he tried to throw his grenade from a longer distance than what he was used to doing and in a yell of excitement and encouragement, he ruptured his vocal chords and died of internal bleeding. We tried to stop the bleeding but the cc's he needed are across the country.

Lead Investigator: Another tragic death. What about Sgt. Williams?

Lt. Okur: Sgt. Williams was a great guy. He would often rally the younger guys and they would go in to town for bonding. Sometimes, they got into trouble, but Sgt. Williams never seemed to have any problems from it. Sgt. Williams was a guy that we all loved and would run through walls for. He was leading our attack, but unfortunately he got the men in too deep and he didn't know what to do. An enemy took him out easily.

Lead Investigator: He got his men in too deep and didn't know what to do? How does that happen?

Lt. Okur: I don't know. I think we all got used to it.

Third Investigator: And Captain Fisher? Tell us about him and what happened to him.

Lt. Okur: Captain Fisher was a tough guy. A real veteran. He was always telling us about battles he had previously experienced and he was always showing us the medals he was awarded. He often told us a story about how he was faced with near impossible odds but was able to step up and come through in the face of defeat. He was proud of what he had done and he let everyone know it.

Lead Investigator: You don't sound as if you thought much of Captain Fisher.

Lt. Okur: It's not that I didn't like him. I just got sick of his talk. He said he could walk the walk, but we never saw it. Then we found out that his former squad was led by two true warriors and a general who had experienced tough battles before. From then on, we began calling the captain a "Coattail Latching Underling Telling Creative Histories" or CLUTCH for short. Anyway, we had a battle plan and we were in our assigned positions but Captain Fisher decided to take on the whole enemy by himself and went charging in alone.

Second Investigator: Sounds like he had amazing courage!

Lt. Okur: It would appear that way, but when Captain Fisher got into the trenches, we found out that instead of real bullets, his weapon was loaded with duds that misfired. Captain Fisher was killed when he attempted to get a shot off too quickly and he was struck by shrapnel from the errant shot. Despite that, I believe that he was honored for his outstanding leadership.

Lead Investigator: Lt. Okur, do you feel that your squad was ready for battle? Do you feel that there was anything that might have been done differently?

Lt.Okur: We always felt that Andrei was the leader, but when he was busted down, General Sloan inserted Capt. Fisher into our squad. Sometimes we felt good about ourselfs and sometimes we would watch Capt. Fisher attempt shots that his weapon was not equipped to shoot.

Lead Investigator: Thank you, 1st Lt. Okur. You have enlightened us. It is now time to adjourn. We will reconvene later in which time, the other survivor, a Private First Class Millsap will tell us what happened to his platoon.

...to be continued

Harpring Sucks.