A Mission Statement

In the world of sports, there are players that earn their place purely by hard work. These players don’t jump higher. They don’t run faster. They don’t make the spectacular plays. Instead, they scrap. They hustle. They get their uniforms dirty.

They invariably suck.

Matt Harpring is one of these players.

Matt Harpring–-a large, potato-shaped small forward for the Utah Jazz–-plays 25.3 minutes per game. In those 25.3 minutes, he averages 11.2 points, 4.6 rebounds, and 1.2 assists. During those same 25.3 minutes, he will also slip a dozen screens, leaving his teammate double-teamed and himself under the basket, waving his arms. He will wave those same arms throughout the game, when he is open under the basket, just past half court, on the bench, or during a timeout. He will not wave those arms on defense, unless, of course, he is pin-wheeling them like an over-sized toddler, sprawling his way past a ball fake while his opponent stares at him in astonishment.

He makes up for these slight inadequacies by leading the team in Leaderships per Minute. His Leaderships vary from situation to situation, but they generally belong in one of the following categories:

• yelling “woo!” as he stands under the basket watching a teammate bring the ball up the floor
• scowling at the same teammate when he avoids throwing the ball to a now-double-teamed Harpring
• glaring at a teammate when his own man scores
• throwing teammates under the bus via Salt Lake media for not passing to him

Most importantly, Matt Harpring must be recognized for his aesthetic value. A regulation NBA hoop is 10 feet above the ground. Matt Harpring is listed as 6'7". When his waving arms are factored in, there is only the slightest distance between a basketball placed in Harpring’s outstretched arms and the rim. It would seem to be a simple process to take said ball and place it in the hoop. This move–-known as the layup–-is one of the more basic methods of scoring. Matt Harpring, however, views each layup as a unique challenge. Sure, any schoolyard baller can make a layup. How many of them can break away from a pack of defenders, awkwardly dribble a few steps–-again, the toddler metaphor beckons–-then ricochet the ball so hard off the backboard from two feet away that the ball launches rocket-like out of bounds? This scenario–-the Missed Layup Attempt, or MLA, for short-–is at the heart of this website.

So, what is this blog about? At its root, it will be about Utah Jazz basketball, but that is merely the subject. Indeed, as our educated discourse continues, additional subtexts will emerge. This blog will be about the relationship between NBA “talent” and NBA “scrappers.” It will be about the perceptions of players and how they are created and promulgated. When the other posters post, it will likely be about boobs. This blog--nay, this intellectual vessel--will serve to embiggen the mind of the average Jazz fan, the average NBA fan, and–-yes–-the world at large. We solemnly pledge to educate you on Matt Harpring: his inability to pass, his “fall-down defense”, his glaring whiteness. When we are done, you will see, as do we:

Harpring sucks.