The Inquiry (Part 1)

NOTE: The following Harpring Sucks entry is intended as satire. In no way does it depict actual events nor does it implicate any individuals for actual war crimes. Then again, if someone believes that a group of millionaire basketball players would be called to serve in the military, that person has problems beyond this disclaimer.

In late April and early May of 2007, a group of young men went into battle for the first time. Of the group of soldiers who experienced combat, only two lived to tell about it. In late May of 2007, an inquiry was conducted by the Department of Defense to find out exactly what happened to that brave young squad who called themselves The Utah Jazz. The following is a transcript of that inquiry:

Lead Investigator: Gentlemen, we are here today to go over the events of late April and early May, in which the brave soldiers of Utah Jazz Company were led into battle against the enemy. All but two perished. We are not here to assign blame, but rather to find out what happened and to see if such a tragedy can be prevented in future battles. The troops were under General Sloan. General Sloan is here today to answer questions. Besides myself, we have two other Investigators who will be asking questions. General Sloan, are you prepared to answer questions?

General Sloan: This has been my toughest year yet. Sometimes in this business we have to do things that are hard.

Lead Investigator: Is that a "yes"?

General Sloan: It's whatever the fu...

Lead Investigator: Okay, let's proceed. General Sloan, can you sum up what happened with Utah Jazz Company?

General Sloan: We had to go to battle and I don't think many of the guys really knew what to expect. Some of them were overwhelmed.

Second Investigator: Do you feel you prepared them well enough?

General Sloan: We try to prepare them to be ready, but we can't make them ready. They have to do it on their own. They get paid, don't they? They collect their pay on the 15th and 30th. That should make them ready to go. We can't babysit them and hold their hand.

Third Investigator: You keep saying "we". To whom else are you referring?

General Sloan: Well, there's me. There's Colonel Johnson. And there's Major Corbin and Major Layden. We all try to prepare the guys.

Second Investigator: Again, do you feel you prepared them well enough?

General Sloan: We try to teach them and prepare them, but in the end, it's up to the guys to be ready. Be in shape. Tuck in their uniforms.

Lead Investigator: I am not sure it sounds as if you prepared your men for the battle that was ahead. Are you sure that you had those thirteen brave youn...

General Sloan: Twelve.

Lead Investigator: Excuse me?

General Sloan: I only sent twelve men into battle. I didn't feel that Private Brewer was ready for action.

Lead Investigator: I stand corrected. Are you sure that you had those twelve brave young men ready for battle?

General Sloan: I thought we did, then again, I wasn't sure about what we had. That's always the fun part of this business is seeing who responds when the action starts.

Third Investigator: Your idea of fun sounds a bit warped.

General Sloan: *mutters short, inaudible response*

Second Investigator: General Sloan, tell us about your plan.

General Sloan: Well, I had Utah Jazz Company broken into two squads. One that would start the battle and another that would support and spell the first squad. If I may, I would like to have the two surviving members, who are here today, tell their story, if that's agreeable.

Lead Investigator: I don't see any reason why we shouldn't hear from them. There are some very serious questions that need to be answered. So who would you like to speak first?

General Sloan: I would like to have First Lieutenant Okur from our first squad speak. Lieutenant, front and center.

*1st Lt. Okur moves to the table and is sworn in under oath*

Lead Investigator: 1st Lt. Okur, please tell us about your squad.

Lt. Okur: Our squad was made up of five men. There was Capt. Fisher, Sgt. Williams, myself, 1st Lt. Boozer, Co...

Third Investigator: Excuse my interuption, but you said 1st Lt. Boozer? Isn't your rank also 1st Lieutenant? Why do you have two 1st Lieutenants in the same squad?

Lt. Okur: Lt. Boozer leads the charge for the first part of the battle but then I step in at the end when things get tight. That is what saved me. I hung around the perimeter and waited for my turn.

Second Investigator: That is odd that the Department of Defense would have two men with identical Company grade Officer rankings.

Lt. Okur: Neither myself nor 1st Lt. Boozer had much use for the Department of Defense.

Lead Investigator: Okay, Lieutenant, please continue.

Lt. Okur: There was me, Capt. Fisher, Sgt. Williams, 1st Lt. Boozer, and Corporal Andrei.

Third Investigator: Corporal Andrei? In my notes it states that he is Captain Andrei.

Lt. Okur: No sir. He used to be Captain Andrei but General Sloan busted him all the way down to Corporal. Sometimes, when we are training, Andrei has to do latrine duty.

Lead Investigator: Tell us about the other men.

Lt. Okur: Well, Corporal Andrei was probably my best friend in the company. He was what we felt Utah Jazz Company was about. He would lead us and we were happy to follow. Then General Sloan began to bust his chops because Andrei would do things his own way and eventually, Andrei lost his bars and was busted down to Corporal. Because of the demotion, he was rarely allowed to participate in the strategies for any offensive attack that might take place.

Lead Investigator: How did he take that?

Lt. Okur: He kept a lot of his frustrations to himself, but sometimes he would let off steam and it effected the squad.

Lead Investigator: What happened to Corporal Andrei?

Lt. Okur: Corporal Andrei was like a man possessed. He was all over the place. Running here and there. Very brave. He was constantly on the attack and was trying very hard to hold the enemy back. Then, it happened.

Second Investigator: What happened?

Lt. Okur: Corporal Andrei was attempting his own offensive attack apart from what the rest of the company was doing when he stepped on the boot of one of the enemy combatants and died from a severe ankle injury.

Third Investigator: Tragic. How about 1st Lt. Boozer? What happened to him?

Lt. Okur: We called him "Booz". "Booz" was a guy who looked like he might enjoy running through walls. He was equipped for getting in the trenches and fighting the toughest battles. In training drills, he would often hit his target at least ten times with his shooting and at least ten times with grenades.

Second Investigator: Is that an impressive feat, ten things in two items?

Lt. Okur: To some it is. We just wanted to see him do it when it really counted. Anyway, "Booz" was fighting the good fight when he suddenly was face to face with a taller enemy. Despite his best efforts, the enemy kept pushing "Booze" further and further from the trenches. Then, he tried to throw his grenade from a longer distance than what he was used to doing and in a yell of excitement and encouragement, he ruptured his vocal chords and died of internal bleeding. We tried to stop the bleeding but the cc's he needed are across the country.

Lead Investigator: Another tragic death. What about Sgt. Williams?

Lt. Okur: Sgt. Williams was a great guy. He would often rally the younger guys and they would go in to town for bonding. Sometimes, they got into trouble, but Sgt. Williams never seemed to have any problems from it. Sgt. Williams was a guy that we all loved and would run through walls for. He was leading our attack, but unfortunately he got the men in too deep and he didn't know what to do. An enemy took him out easily.

Lead Investigator: He got his men in too deep and didn't know what to do? How does that happen?

Lt. Okur: I don't know. I think we all got used to it.

Third Investigator: And Captain Fisher? Tell us about him and what happened to him.

Lt. Okur: Captain Fisher was a tough guy. A real veteran. He was always telling us about battles he had previously experienced and he was always showing us the medals he was awarded. He often told us a story about how he was faced with near impossible odds but was able to step up and come through in the face of defeat. He was proud of what he had done and he let everyone know it.

Lead Investigator: You don't sound as if you thought much of Captain Fisher.

Lt. Okur: It's not that I didn't like him. I just got sick of his talk. He said he could walk the walk, but we never saw it. Then we found out that his former squad was led by two true warriors and a general who had experienced tough battles before. From then on, we began calling the captain a "Coattail Latching Underling Telling Creative Histories" or CLUTCH for short. Anyway, we had a battle plan and we were in our assigned positions but Captain Fisher decided to take on the whole enemy by himself and went charging in alone.

Second Investigator: Sounds like he had amazing courage!

Lt. Okur: It would appear that way, but when Captain Fisher got into the trenches, we found out that instead of real bullets, his weapon was loaded with duds that misfired. Captain Fisher was killed when he attempted to get a shot off too quickly and he was struck by shrapnel from the errant shot. Despite that, I believe that he was honored for his outstanding leadership.

Lead Investigator: Lt. Okur, do you feel that your squad was ready for battle? Do you feel that there was anything that might have been done differently?

Lt.Okur: We always felt that Andrei was the leader, but when he was busted down, General Sloan inserted Capt. Fisher into our squad. Sometimes we felt good about ourselfs and sometimes we would watch Capt. Fisher attempt shots that his weapon was not equipped to shoot.

Lead Investigator: Thank you, 1st Lt. Okur. You have enlightened us. It is now time to adjourn. We will reconvene later in which time, the other survivor, a Private First Class Millsap will tell us what happened to his platoon.

...to be continued

Harpring Sucks.

Birth of an MLA

"OK, there are four defenders between me and the basket. I think it's time to cut right through the middle for one of my patented can't-miss layups. Wait a sec..."

"WATER MOCCASINS!"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!"

Harp-Tainted Glasses

Some HarpringSucks contributors have suggested that Matt Harpring is the master deceiver. The perfect con artist. An expert illusionist. Unfortunately, I must disagree. I simply can't bring myself to give Harpring that much credit. To what, then, can his curious popularity be attributed? Easy: people are stupid.

Now before you say "hey, wait a minute! I like Harpring, and I'm not stupid!", please, don't be offended. After all, you're in good company. Really, this exercise is for your own good.

The average fan is easily fooled into thinking that certain concepts ("running a lot", "lifting weights", "veteran status") automatically translate into unquestionably positive results. Let's take a look at how Joe Gullible (we'll call him "JG" for short) might view a situation differently than Joe Enlightened (we'll call him, uhh..."Bordy" for lack of a cooler acronym).

JG: "I've read that Harpring has his own weight-lifting routine. He's so fit and muscular."
Bordy: "I'm thinking that if I had muscles like that I'd actually be able to contain a guy half my size on defense. But you're right, they make him look absolutely dreamy."

Bordy: "Poor guy is completely lost and has no clue where his man is."
JG: "Look how he never quits! He's been running non-stop on this sequence!"

Bordy: "I could be wrong, but it kind of looks like he realized -- in mid-shuffle -- that his guy had the ball on the opposite side of the court, and made a last-second desperate diving sprint at him, leaping into the air with hands stretched a full three seconds after the ball had already been released."
JG: "Wow. Did you see the effort on that play?"

Bordy: "Nobody slips screens, effectively throwing his teammates overboard while turning himself into the first option by default quite like Harpring."
JG: "Nobody has the ability to get open quite like Harpring. Also, your sentence was a terrible run-on."

JG: "Look at Matt hustle for that loose ball on the floor!"
Bordy: "Why did Harpring just trip over his own feet, then try to tackle his own teammate at the ankles?"

JG: "Harpring sure hits some big shots."
Bordy: "Now if only he could hit the little ones."

JG: "Oooh, look at that expression on his face. He's on mission out there."
Bordy: "Why is he staring down Kirilenko?"

Bordy: "What is he doing with his hand in the air when he's got two guys on him?"
JG: "Harpring's open!"

I hope this was an educational experience for you. I know I've learned a lot by watching #15. If only others would follow...

Bordy: "This team is in trouble for the next four years"
Larry: "Man! Why didn't we sign him for six?"

The Dictionary

As the previous post indicates, we here at Harpring Sucks: The Experience have a unique vocabulary. This is not entirely due to our being a racially and ethnically diverse group of members from at least 4 different states. No, this is because Harpring's sucking has gone back a long ways. During the longue durée of Harpring's sucking, we have created certain pieces of shorthand to pack the most criticism possible into the tiniest space necessary. At Harpring Sucks, we are all about efficiency.

In this post, we contributors will relay the unique terms and statistics used by said contributors to analyze Harpring to you, the reader (more than likely said contributors again [ah well]). Though this post will be marked as a tatermoog post, all of the contributors will be involved via editing. With that said, the Dictionary:

MLA: short for Missed Layup Attempt. Generally rated on two axes, Aesthetic Value and Simplicity.
Example: MLA chart.

For example, if Harpring is passed the ball directly under the basket, is wide-open, and misses a straightforward layup, it would chart high in Simplicity but low in Aesthetic Value. If he turns into a double-team and flails a shot at the backboard, falling afterward, it would chart low in Simplicity and high in Aesthetic Value. The Cleveland MLA is the ultimate because it charted high in both categories.

The MLA is also useful in analyzing players according to MLA/6, which is MLAs divided by 6.

FGA/A: Field Goal Attempts per Assist. Made-up stat by Tater that supposedly rates players according to selfishness. A player with a high FGA/A is inclined to shoot before passing, and vice versa. Some have argued that Matt's generally inflated FGA/A numbers are inflated because of his team role, not his mentality. Such persons are wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong.

"stinkeye": facial expression closely related to the scowl. The stinkeye is generally delivered when a teammate is not performing to fulfill the individual preferences of the deliverer of said stinkeye. Often delivered with arms extended to sides like an upside-down V.

baldwin (v.): to screw up in a highly visible manner, i.e. "Fisher has a 3-on-1 fastbreak and baldwins it by taking it himself." Based on Stephen Baldwin for reasons unknown.

"scramble defense": method of action based on flailing that can be confused for defense by an uneducated observer. Can be used as a cover for defensive inadequacies. Best used when a player is blowing by for an easy layup. Variants include the "pretend-you-were-tripped defense", the "holy-crap-there-was-a-slick-spot-right-there defense" and the "pinwheel defense." Can also be combined with the stinkeye to imply it was another player's fault.

THE Harp MLA

Some people can make the claim they saw Michael Jordan in person. Others can say they saw Tiger Woods win a Masters. Many incredible sports moments out there are cherished, treasured, and held close to the heart, whether because of the moment's significance to the game, or because of the moment's significance to the individual.

I can say that I was in attendance for Matt Harpring's most (in)famous MLA.

Cleveland was in town, and King James went off for 51 points. Needless to say, Harpring was on the court. On one play, Harpring got the ball and was taking it to the hole as only Matt Harpring can. As he went up, he raised his arms as if in triumph, and with a flailing of his body he rocketed the ball directly into the backboard. Shaquille O'Neal broke backboards with dunks; this was Matt Harpring's attempt to do so with a layup. Unfortunately, even with his football experience--an automatic signifier of Harpring's superior toughness to Shaq--the ball did little besides shoot in the furthest possible direction from the rim.

I saw Picasso paint Guernica.

I watched Beethoven compose Symphony No. 9.

I witnessed Matt Harpring perform The MLA.

I Am Giddy With Anticipation

Can you feel it? Can you feel the excitement? The Jazz have clinched the Northwest Division! This is an achievement a team that hasn't been in the playoffs for three seasons can feel proud of. Most experts and fans felt the team was capable of making the playoffs this year, and the team has exceeded most predictions and expectations.

Can you feel the excitement, though? No, not for the playoffs. The excitement for the Jazz tradition of celebrating their mediocrity when they unfurl the "2006-07 Northwest Division Champions" banner from the ceiling, to hang alongside the other banners that tell people that the Jazz have won division and even conference championships. Yet, something's missing.

I understand why the Jazz celebrate division titles. It gives fans something to celebrate and it puts money in the pockets of the Jazz when the same fans who celebrate meaningless titles dig in their pockets and buy $15 T-shirts to be able walk around town to show their excitement about the Jazz winning their latest division title. I understand that. It doesn't mean I have to like it.

A recent ESPN.com column by David Schoenfield ranks the Jazz as the fifth most painful franchise to be a fan of. Not in the NBA. In North American professional sports. This brings up the question of what a fan would rather have, a long stretch where a team makes the playoffs but never brings home the big prize, or a stretch of time where the team often sucks but is able to actually win a title once. In other words, is it better to be a fan of the Jazz or the Heat? Is it better to be a Viking fan or a Ravens fan? Astros fan or White Sox fan?

For me, I envy the Heat fans. Spurs, Rockets, Lakers, Pistons, Bulls fans, too. They have recently watched their favorite team actually win the championship. Sure, some of them watched their team win a division championship, too. I doubt that Laker fans get excited if the team wins a Pacific Division title. Yankee fans probably don't even acknowledge A.L. East titles, unless in the presence of Red Sox fans. Yet, the Jazz celebrate meaningless division titles as if they were Mission Accomplished. The only thing missing is for Jerry Sloan to show up wearing a fighter pilot jumpsuit.

For 19 seasons in a row, the Jazz made the playoffs. They were even involved in some great moments. They also provided 19 consecutive seasons of heartache. They now embark on another postseason run. Even the most uptimisitic Jazz fan has to concede that this postseason will also end without the trophy. That won't stop the Jazz from celebrating, though. No, I expect that the 2006-07 Northwest Division Champion Utah Jazz will use their title loudly and proudly when attempting to stir excitement for the 2007-08 season. I view it as a new opportunity to take the steps to make sure that Deron Williams will not have the same unwritten footnote in his Utah Jazz biography that John Stockton and Karl Malone sadly carry. I guarantee that those two players would gladly exchange half of their playoff appearances and all of their Midwest Division Champion hats for one, just one, NBA Championship. The same applies to Charles Barkley, Patrick Ewing, Elgin Baylor, and numerous other NBA greats whose careers fell short of having the title of "Champion" affixed to it.

The team will celebrate its division title, and what's not to celebrate? This season, they accomplished what only five other teams did. They won their division. It is time for the fans to expect more than simply division titles. It's not realistic to expect a title this year, but why not next year? Why not in two years? I am not sure I want to see another long run of playoff appearances, but nothing to show for them. It is time for us fans to demand more. If Jerry Sloan can't get them over the hump, perhaps it is time to look at alternatives. If Kevin O'Connor can't bring in the players who will get the team further, perhaps it is time to look at alternatives. If the players themselves are not good enough, the team should not give them four year contract extensions; they should look at alternatives.

Now, excuse me while I call my Jazz ticket representative so I renew my season tickets for the 2006-07 Northwest Division Champion Utah Jazz.

Harpring Sucks.

Clutch

Two summers ago, I had the opportunity to hike in Blue John Canyon with a couple of friends. Situated in the Robbers Roost area of south-central Utah, this hike involved several rope-assisted climbs and plenty of intense moments hanging on giant canyon walls.

At one point I remember thinking, as I was looking downwards at what I considered to be certain death, that I was a moron. "Why did I allow myself to get talked into this? What if my arms give out right now? I can't believe I'm missing American Idol for this!" (The last sentence was simply blog keyword loading in an attempt to rank #1 in searches for "Matt Harpring Sucks American Idol". Just in case.)

Then I thought, "you'd have to be an idiot to do this alone".

Most Utahns remember the news coverage of one man who did exactly that.


Look closely at the picture. Notice anything out of place? Like the fact that his arm has become a permanent part of the cliff wall?

Aron Ralston had set out for a carefree desert hike through Blue John Canyon in Southeastern Utah when, with no warning, he had descended into hell. The young man's arm was trapped by an 800-pound boulder and he was forced to make an unimaginable decision in order to survive.

Ralston: "And I was hanging from the boulder, from the top of it, where the last good handholds were. And that was when it shifted. So I dropped down here... and the boulder came and it smashed my left hand here, and it smashed my right hand up here. And then it slid down and it actually dragged my arm down and my arm was right about here.

"I threw myself against the boulder, just trying to get my knee onto this boulder, just lifting up, pushing up. But still, it was -- my hand was trapped. And progressively the pain faded as my hand lost sensation."

That's when Aron Ralston realized that he had violated one of the most basic rules of the outdoors. Always make sure someone knows where you are. But in a lapse from his normal routine, Aron had not told a soul. He wasn't expected back at work for days. No one would miss him, and when they did, they wouldn't know where to begin to look.

How he escaped this predicament is nothing short of clutch.

On the morning of his final day trapped inside the canyon, Ralston knew what he had to do to survive. He had to cut off his arm that was pinned by the heavy boulder.

That would be followed by a 65-foot rappel, and one more seemingly impossible task. With one arm, bleeding profusely, starved and dehydrated, close to shock, Ralston would have to hike seven miles out of the canyon in the direct midday sun. Then there would be an 800-foot vertical climb to the trailhead and his truck. The nearest hospital was a several hour drive.

Of course, he was greeted with wild enthusiasm from his family and friends, weeks of interviews, and a book deal to cement his celebrity status. The throngs managed to herald his brave accomplishments while somehow ignoring the completely avoidable circumstances that created the dilemma.

Fear not, Jazz fans. These types of courageous efforts are not limited to the canyons. We have our very own hero.


Forget the fact that he went 1-6 through the first 40 minutes of the game. Just ignore the possibility that it might have been Fisher who couldn't stay out of foul trouble. Who's that guy on the court who doesn't seem to be guarding anyone, but is nonetheless scrambling around like a headless chicken? Oh wait, that was Harpring on Monday. Is that Fisher who is throwing up a running, fading 15-foot shot bank brick over a double team with 15 seconds left on the shot clock? Yes, yes it is.

Forget all of that. After all, Jerry Sloan has. So have the broadcasters. Yes, the Jazz are down by 1 at home to the Timberwolves, which has everything to do with Fisher's "performance". But over the season, the pain of Fisher's play has progressively faded as the fans, coaches, and players have lost sensation. There are only 5 minutes left in the game and the team needs a basket.

Fisher brings the ball up the court, drives hard to his right, and launches a 20-footer. Nothing but net.

Clutch.

Potpourri

A Pine-Scented Exploration of the Last Few Days in Jazz Quotes

First candidate:

He had hit just 1-of-8 shots from the field through three quarters and hadn't played for the first 10 minutes and 59 seconds of the fourth quarter.
But veteran guard Derek Fisher got up off the bench, came in cold and scored five points — a key 3-pointer and two free throws — in the final 44.2 seconds of Utah's six-point win over Washington on Monday.
Take note, Jazz youngsters, coach Jerry Sloan suggested Tuesday.
"He missed a couple free throws (earlier in the game), and you think maybe there's some question — but you know a guy's a professional about what he does," Sloan said. "Young guys don't always see that side of it and get upset with not playing. But he (Fisher) stepped out on the floor and was ready to play, and that's what this game is about.

How in the world would Fisher get upset about not playing? In a season in which he's shooting 39.6%, averaging 5.7 Assists per 48 minutes, and making horrible decisions on offense, he's averaging 27.6 minutes (he was up to 33.6 in February). And I really bet Fisher's going to be professional if he's playing 10 minutes a night.

"That's why it's important to have guys that have that attitude. Yeah, he was maybe probably upset because he wasn't playing more — but he didn't let it take him out of the game.
"That," Sloan added, "is the difference of playing younger guys and veteran guys."

Classic Sloan-Speak: "Young guys don't always see that side of it and get upset with not playing." Then: "Yeah, [Fisher] was maybe probably upset because he wasn't playing more." Sloan is an expert at switching arguments mid-thought. Also, I love that Sloan recognizes the difference between playing younger guys and veteran guys. Here's the difference: Sloan plays veteran guys, he doesn't play younger guys.

Of course, the most important part of this whole discussion was Fisher's game that night. He was 2-10. Most of those shots were not what anyone would call "quality", unless you mean "quality entertainment." In 25 minutes, he had one assist, one rebound, and one steal. He continually pounded the ball into the floor and either ignored teammates or lacked the ability to get them involved. Fortunately, he hit one three at the end of the game that turned him into the hero. Lesson learned? If you're put in the game late, immediately shoot the ball and pray it goes in. Unless you're a young guy. 'cause then it would still end up being selfish and lucky.

Point #2, from last night:

And Kirilenko was the Andrei of old, though he didn't agree that he played with more energy than at other times.
"Come on," Kirilenko said, "I play always with lot of energy. Not always ball goes in. Not always you can get what you want. I played with the same energy but like lots of good moves — like, I got it. I got a steal, I got a block."

This is a subject for another post, but notice how this quote devolved from an apparent question as to AK's playing with "more energy." You see, the SL Media are an example of a theory advanced by Pierre Bourdieu--and to a lesser extent, Antonio Gramsci--wherein the leaders of a society--Sloan, Jazz FO--have the social capital necessary to structure those with less social capital--fans, media--into a mode of thinking that serves the interests of the leaders. In this case, SL Media has bought into the concepts espoused by Sloan--"playing with energy", "play hard at practice", ""playing physical"--rather than helpful categories--"more inclusion on offense", "better coaching strategy", and so on. In this case, SL Media saw better results from AK that actually resulted from being fed the ball in the post more often, a lineup that allowed him to float more often, and minutes and reduced it immediately to "energy." Too bad no one saw the real reason.

Oh, wait:

"I agree I was kind of active," said Kirilenko, who was 6-of-9 shooting for 13 points plus eight rebounds, three steals and five blocked shots. "And don't forget, we lost Matt (Harpring) for the game (ill), and I had much more time to play. I kind of replaced Matt inside a little bit because he's our inside banger. I need to be little bit inside," he said of his own intentions Wednesday.

But...but...I thought bringing Harpring back to this team did nothing to interfere with Andrei's game? It certainly wouldn't change his minutes, right? Or how he's used?

Expect to see Harpring back on Friday with AK shooting 2-6 and Harpring shooting 4-11.

Everything You've Ever Learned about Leadership is Bullshit

Author's note: The following is an excerpt of the highly anticipated novel Everything You've Learned about Leadership is Bullshit by acclaimed author Old School Rules.

Leadership qualities do not go on trees. How do I know this? I don't. But I heard it at a really expensive seminar on leadership qualities. Every book, article, pamphlet, note, memo or post-it I have ever read about leadership has simply been self-aggrandizing bullshit. Consultants and seminarians who style themselves as leadership experts, I've found, have little to offer other than anecdotal evidence and half-truths.

This book is different. One thing about me, I like to use data. Data-free discussions are the ever-flowing marrow of corporate society these days. How many times have you heard flavor of the month terms thrown around loosely in your organizations? What are you doing this month? Are you transitioning from Good to Great? Are you thinking outside the box this month? Are you moving cheese? Are moderately inept people trying to adopt 7 habits of highly effective people?

More importantly, when your organizations are finished making these transitions are there ever any data to support that Good has, in fact, become Great? You're outside of the box? The cheese has been moved? The moderately inept people have become even slightly effective? The answer, I find in my continuous, scrupulous research, is "no."

Folks, effective leadership isn't something you learn by reading a book. The best method for becoming an effective leader is to examine a successful model and apply it to your own organization.

One of my favorite, and most used models of this is the current make up of the NBA's Utah Jazz, specifically Matt Harpring. Harpring is an interesting specimen because he does not seem to fit the dominant paradigms of effective leadership. His leadership does not come by example, rather it comes from a higher (possibly divine) mandate. On the surface Harpring is an average to sub-par basketball player. However, for the average Utah Jazz fan, the name Matt Harpring evokes a powerful response. Ask a Jazz fan about Matt Harpring and you'll often hear the words "football," "tough," "defense," "grit," "hard worker," and "energizer bunny."

That's pretty powerful stuff. How does he do it? I'll not only show you, but I'll provide you with some examples that you can apply to your day to day life. Remember you don't need to be an NBA player to achieve these results, but you can use the same strategies and start down the path of being an effective leader.

Chapter 1: The Smaller the Potatoes, The Bigger the Steak Looks

We'll start with one of the most effective, applicable examples of Harpring Style Leadership: The scowl. An effective scowl is a definite leadership builder. In Harpring's case, it gives off the appearance of being tough, angry, determined or any combination of the three. To break this down more effectively, let's use a visual aid:
The scowl is an excellent communication tool. Spend some time looking at the picture above. Practice your scowl in the mirror. Careful not to overdo it, though. Too much scowl can give you the image of being pouty, while not enough scowl can give others the impression that you're a pushover.

Once you've determined that your scowl is effective enough, start putting it to use in real life situations. Remember, once you go to work, do not take the scowl off of your face. From the time you arrive at the office, that scowl must be there. As soon as you sit at your desk, I'll guarantee you'll notice that others will start treating you differently.

One client of mine, a file clerk at a cosmetics company (and is now director of blabbity-blah blah) saw immediate benefits from an effective scowl. Evidently, my client had been having trouble getting a raise. He was producing an average amount of work and was tired of not getting raises due to his average work output. Not wanting to increase his work output, my client decided to increase his leadership quotient in the office.

My client was subtle at first with his scowl technique. As soon as his manager handed him a new project, my client would look his manager in the eye, scowl and determinedly march off to perform his mundane duties. It wasn't long before my client's co-workers noticed that something was different. "You approach your work with such grit," one co-worker noticed. "Did you play football?" another co-worker would ask. The more he scowled while working, the more his co-workers felt beneath his contempt. My client was elated, however, it was just the beginning.

It was time to take the scowl to the next level. Co-workers had noticed the change and had begun to take my client more seriously, but his manager still hadn't noticed. My client decided that he would add a little more scowl to his daily duties. Sure enough, it came time to give a status report to the company CEO, my client used his scowl to effectively walk down the hall to the CEO's office. While giving the report to the CEO, my client would scowl at the end of every sentence. The CEO was so impressed with this, he pulled my client's manager into his office and told him that my client had the kind of toughness and leadership that the company was looking for. The CEO then informed my client's manager that he'd be moving my client over the department and moving the manager into sales.

My client was just beginning his ascension to greatness. While the scowl had gotten him this far, he found that he needed to employ other Harpring tactics. For instance, we have yet to cover running hard to every meeting, looking pissed until it is your turn to speak in a meeting and calling other employees out in the company newsletter - all of which will be addressed in further chapters.

In the meantime, use this list below to practice your scowl techniques.

Harpring's Keys to an effective scowl:

1. Purse lips enough to look tough. Careful not to do it too lightly. Slightly pursed lips will give you an effete effect and have the opposite results you're looking for.

2. Tense up. Red in the face is good. Too red might give others that you ate too much cheese the night before. Also, be sure to consult your doctor if you start to experience sharp chest pains.

3. Focus on something trivial that really pissed you off. People who drive too slow, that guy who told you about the ending to "The Sixth Sense" before you saw it, whatever it takes. Fixate on that moment and your face will follow suit.

4. Make eye contact when you scowl. Not only does it keep others around you guessing, it also ensures that everyone you come in contact with will walk on eggshells. It's a great distraction technique as everyone will focus on what you're pissed at rather than what you're actually doing.

Enjoy putting the Harpring techniques to work in the field.

Next week:

Chapter Two: How Matt Harpring Runs His Ass off to Give the Impression that He's Actually Doing Something

Perfect Strangers: Jazz Edition

[Scene: Larry and Balki’s apartment. Larry is on the couch, looking worried. Balki enters to piped-in crowd applause]

Balki: “Cousin Larry! It’s another lovely day in America!” [minces]



Larry: “Yes, yes it is, Balki. [sighs]



Balki: “You’re not happy. Back in Mepos, we have saying: ‘bing bong binki binki, linkin lonkin marvin shticky.’”

[laughter]

Larry: “And it means?”



Balki: “Something to do with a sheep.”


[laughter. Balki sits by Larry]

Balki: “So, what’s the big problem, little man?”



Larry: [sighs] “Well, I was trying to impress Jennifer again, and, well...I might have told her a little fib.”


Balki: “Oh, here we go again.” [laughter]



Larry: “I might have told her I’m a great basketball player.”



Balki: “Oh no.”



Larry: “[whimpering] I just wanted her to like me. Just once, I’d like her to look at me and think, ‘Wow, that Larry Appleton. He’s good at something.’ But I’m nothing, Balki. A big zero...unless...”


Balki: “Don’t say it.”


Larry: "I have a plan!"



Balki: "Oh no." [laughter]



Larry: “Balki, you’re a good basketball player, aren’t you? Didn’t Mr. Gorpley put you on his rec. league team?”


Balki: “Well, not to bleed a dead hog, but I am a bit of a ‘baller’ as you Americans say.”



Larry: “Perfect! OK, Balki, I need you to fake an injury. Then you’ll tell Gorpley that I’m the best replacement you know. I invite Jennifer to the game, hit a few layouts...”


Balki: “Layups.”



Larry: “Layups!...and then I fake a knee injury, and she’ll think I was a great player who just had injury problems, and you can take your spot back!”


Balki: “Larry, you’re 5' tall and play basketball like Dmitri. It won’t work.”



Larry: “Believe in me, Balki! You want to help your Cousin Larry, don’t you?”



Balki: “Of course I do, don’t be ridiculous.” [laughter]



Larry: “Then just help this one time. I promise you, this will be the last time you have to help me!”


Balki: “Welllll....all right, one more time.”



Larry: "“Thank you, Balki!”



Balki: "Now we so happy, we do the Dance of Joy!”



[Dance of Joy to wild applause, commercial]

[return from commercial, cue comedy basketball highlight]

















[Scene: next day, Balki enters carrying a groaning Larry. Laughter from audience. Balki dumps Larry on couch.]

Balki: “Well, now you’ve done it. Now you’ve REALLY done it. First you miss seven layups out of nine. Then your man scores 32 points on you. And THEN you yell at your teammates to try and make it look like it was their fault to Jennifer. What do you have to say for yourself?”

Larry: “Ow.” [laughter]



Balki: “And how do you hurt your knee lightly jogging down the court?”



Larry: “Balki, I’m sorry. I knew I shouldn’t have pretended to be a basketball player. You were right, I was wrong. But for fifteen glorious minutes, Jennifer actually thought I was special.”

Balki: “Cousin Larry, come on, now. You should know by now that Jennifer doesn’t think you’re special because you play basketball. [cue sentimental saxophone music] It’s because you are who you are. A sad, slow, lying little man.”

Larry: “[pleadingly] Do you mean it? Do you really mean it?”



Balki: “Of course I do. And I like you for who you are, too. [comic musical cue] And that someone is definitely not a basketball player.” [laughter]


Larry: “If my knee weren’t fragmented into thousands of pieces, we’d do the Dance of Joy right now!”

[laughter, cue ending music. Ending music interrupted by sound of phone ringing. Larry answers.]

Larry, on phone: “Hello, Larry Appleton speaking...Mr. Gorpley? Hello...yeah....really?...really?!...Wow, that’s incredible. Thank you, sir. Thank you!”

[hangs up]

“That was Mr. Gorpley. He knows I had a rough game and got injured, but he said he liked my hustle and grit. He’s wanting me to join the team full-time!”

Balki: “Oo-wow. OK...that makes no sense, but I’m happy for you.”



Larry: “He’s giving me your minutes.”



Balki: “....what?”



Larry: “Oh, come on, Balki. Can’t you get past your selfishness and be happy for me?”



Balki: “Oh...well...I guess you’re right. After all, I respect you for who you are, basketball player or not. [cue sentimental music again] And besides, we’re on the same team. Now how about having that Dance of Joy?”

Larry: “Actually, on second thought, I hate you.”