Official Harpringsucks.com NBA-wide season awards

With the conclusion of the regular season this week, columnists across the internet have been attempting to fill their quota of required column space by doing the easy "filler column." The column where they announce their picks for the post-season awards, put a nice picture of their picks in a sidebar, write two sentences of analysis and kick off for the day and light their cigars with $1,000,000 bills. Like Hot Rod Hundley to his beloved mistress Jack Daniels, the temptation to fill up page space with this stuff is irresistable.

There's just one problem: these columnists so extensively research each other's opinions that their collective wordsmithing is even more of a collaborative writing project than Charles Barkley's first "autobiography" where he claimed he was "misquoted." These writers spend so much time searching for the answer that meets critical consensus that they're missing the dark horse candidates who should truly be winning these awards. Thankfully, your trusty Harpringsucks.com writing staff is here to fill this black void in your soul with a few selected awards.

Rookie of the Year: Patrick O'Bryant, Idaho Stampede

The internet columnists would have you believe that Brandon Roy is the no-brainer pick for Rookie of the Year. That's simply not true. While Roy certainly had a solid season as a rookie averaging 16.8 points his other averages are less impressive at 4 assists per game and 4.4 rebounds for the Trailblazers. In contrast, O'Bryant averaged a double-double for the Stampede (12 points, 10 rebounds) in under 30 minutes a game. On top of that he provided stifling defense for Idaho with 2.88 blocks.

Those who buy into the mainstream columnists could immediately interrupt with "but O'Bryant wasn't THAT good! The Idaho Stampede were in the NBDL!" Let me remind you, Mr. Hollinger, that the Trailblazers didn't make the playoffs either and the Stampede won one more game than the Blazers (33), despite only playing a 50 game season. Endorsing Roy for rookie of the year is sort of like endorsing Zach Randolph for MVP: great stats but simply stacking up the numbers on a bad team. O'Bryant, on the other hand, is a proven winner and an NBDL all-star.

Honorable mention: Saer Sene

Sixth Man of the Year: Derek Fisher, Utah Jazz

After trading Andre Owens, Keith McLeod, Devin Brown, complimentary movie tickets, $15 in quarters, a signed Matt Harpring 8X10 glossy, and the always definite "future considerations" to Golden State for Derek Fisher the Jazz were poised to have one of the most solid reserve back-courts in the league. With Deron Williams heading into his second season after a rookie year full of fits and starts, everyone knew that the young point guard would have some rough patches in the season ahead. Thankfully the Jazz had bought themselves an insurance policy with some veteran leadership off the bench. Only one thing could ruin this plan: starting the 6'1" Fisher at shooting guard despite his career long shooting slump. Thank God no coach would be that foolish.

Honorable Mention: Renaldo Balkman

Coach of the Year: Sam Mitchell, Toronto Raptors

On this topic we must say that ESPN's intelligencia has it right. The current odds-on favorite for Coach of the Year has stumbled upon a novel gameplan: No gameplan! Toronto raptors fans have frequently marvelled at Mitchell's ability to simply pitch a ball on the floor and hand T.J. Ford the reigns to do as he pleases. Sam Mitchell is such a good coach that his team certainly hasn't been circulating rumors regarding their plans to fire him ALL season. And he would certainly never win a poll among players for "worst coach" less than a year ago.

(Please ignore the article at http://slam.canoe.ca/Slam/Basketball/NBA/Toronto/2006/03/09/1479992-sun.html . It's full of lies and slander propogated by Vince Carter and Damon Stoudamire acolytes.)

One can only imagine how poorly this team would have done under one of the more accomplished available coaches like Ron Jeremy look-a-like Stan Van Gundy, the incredibly moustachioed Rick Adelman, or Ronco hair oil spokesperson Mike Fratello.

Honorable Mention: Eric Musselman

Most Valuable Player: Charlie Villanueva, Milwaukee Bucks

This season has witnessed an incredible number of teams quite obviously tanking in order to get one of the top two selections in the draft. This culminated in the last few weeks of the season with many top players on teams in contention for the worst record in the league coming up mysteriously lame with indefinable injuries. Paul Pierce was shelved indefinitely with no real discussion of what was wrong with him. Michael Redd and Andrew Bogut both disappeared with little plausible explanation. Memphis outright bought out one of its better players (Eddie Jones) rather than risk him improving their record any more.

What these gambits all had in common though is that they occurred late enough in the season that they were easily counter-acted in a race to the bottom by competing teams shelving their top players as well. As a result, they did little to change the tanking team's relative position.

One man, however, had the foresight to start going down with implausible injuries back in November before tanking became the thing all the cool stars were doing. That man was Charlie Villanueva. A mere two weeks into the season, Charlie V knew his strong start was putting the possibility of drafting Greg Oden or Kevin Durant far outside of Milwaukee's reach. Therefore he missed, in succession: 3 weeks with a sprained left elbow, 1 game with right shoulder tendinitis, another 3 weeks with an undefined "right shoulder injury," another week with another undefined "ankle injury", and then finally packed it in for the last month of the season with right shoulder tendinitis again. In sum, he was able to miss over half the season.

His impact was not felt only in the time he was off the floor, however. Charlie managed to also make sure that about once a month he was either returning to his team or leaving them, thoroughly preventing his teammates from either getting used to his presence or getting used to playing without him. This injury pattern prevented the Bucks from achieving any level of consistent play with or without him and gave Milwaukee a great chance at landing one of the top two picks in the draft. Mr. Villanueva, we salute you!

Honorable Mention: Pau Gasol