Harpring and the Angry Inch

John Cameron Mitchell's "Hedwig and the Angry Inch" is the story about a gender-confused young woman who tours the country following her more famous associates around like a puppy while telling a story about her search for who she truly is. "Hedwig," you see, used to be a "Hansel." Unfortunately, in an effort to become fully female, Hansel underwent a botched sex-change operation that left her with a single inch of unusable flesh that constitutes "all she has to work with." This single inch that dooms Hedwig to being not quite male anymore but not female either constitutes the "angry inch" in her life that has driven the man she loves away and relegated her rock group (also titled "Hedwig and the Angry Inch") to playing in diners rather than packed arenas and relegating Hedwig to relative obscurity.

This immediately brings to mind the confused man in my life: Matt Harpring.

Throughout broadcasts of Utah Jazz games you will frequently hear announcers refer to Matt Harpring as being a "football player" who is merely playing the game of basketball. Stunningly this point gets brought up regardless of what network is airing the game leading me to believe that there is some sort of "Matt Harpring fun facts" folder that gets circulated amongst the television stations. Occasionally, networks will even run down a multi-generational list of Harpring's relatives who played football and close with the comment of "I can't believe this man ended up playing basketball in such a strong football family."

Believe me, we here at harpringsucks.com can't believe he's a basketball player either.

Interestingly, Harpring proudly invites this characterization as a football player masquerading as a basketball player. On Matt Harpring's officially website, the first fact he lists about himself on the "personal info" section after his full name is:

Comes from a long line of college football players: his grandfather Norb played for the Army (during WW II), his father Jack played at Michigan, his uncle Chip played at Notre Dame, while brothers John and Brian played at Akron and Northwestern, respectively Was a three-time selection to the GTE Academic All-District III team (1996-98)

The word basketball isn't mentioned until the 9th paragraph on the page.

Matt also provides pictures of himself playing quaterback in high school. I know what you're thinking, and I thought it too: "Quarterback! Doesn't that position involve passing?!" Don't worry, Matt assures us that his black hole tendencies were alive and well even during his formative football years. As Matt writes: "I liked to run as much as pass!"

While Matt clearly chose at some point to abandon his one true love in the form of football and pursue his basketball "talents," it's apparent from the way he plays that he's never truly become a basketball player. That angry inch still haunts him. Whenever there's a loose ball he seems to fall over suddenly as if he's expecting someone to tackle him. He runs directly at the hoop with his arm raised constantly calling for the ball like a hot-shot wide receiver going for the end zone; after all the only job of a wide receiver is to try and score and that's all Matt does. This also explains why Matt Harpring constantly slips screens: in football, setting a pick is illegal.

Matt truly must be as unhappy with this situation as we are. Just as Hedwig follows a former lover around the country playing her rock shows next to his, Matt plays basketball on the same court as his basketball playing teammates but is never really playing the same game as them. While they work as cogs in a larger machine trying to play defense and move the ball in complicated patterns towards the hoop, Harpring is stuck in his own mind as an offense only player operating as a wide receiver on a quest for the end zone. Even he has to know that something isn't right in the world and that somewhere along the way he lost himself to basketball.

Hedwig and the Angry Inch ends with a concert in which Hedwig violently rips her clothing and tears a glamorous wig from her head to reveal the base male that she truly is, exposing Hansel to a crowd of shocked onlookers. The movies final shot is of Hansel walking down an alleyway completely naked: having finally accepted himself for what he is and no longer needing to masquerade as someone else to hide the pain of his angry inch.

Matt, we here at harpringsucks feel your pain. Trust me, we've been feeling your pain for four seasons now. We know your true calling as a football player. You do too. The announcers tell everyone about it at least once a game. Feel free to shed your Hedwig and let the real Matt Harpring come out, the women love your chiseled football body and you should feel free to let us all see that angry angry inch for what it truly is.