Harpringsucks.com Reaches Out to Area Youths

The 2007 Matt Harpringsucks Basketball Camp

Harpringsucks.com is proud to announce our sponsorship of the first annual Matt Harpringsucks Basketball Camp. The camp will be held this summer at 3 posh locations:

The Clearfield Skateboard Park (west of Clearfield High), Monroe Park, Ogden (parents please do not allow your children to wear red or black t-shirts to this location and please, no Raider gear), and for Matt’s Wendover fans, the parking lot of the American Bush Company, Wendover UT/NV (please make sure your child has plenty of $1 bills, Matt gets pissed when he has to make change, and you don’t want Matt pissed. Last time Matt got pissed he tore up a phone book with his toes).

Below is a copy of the camp brochure.

ABOUT MATT HARPRING:

Matt showed “all the right moves” while attending Ampipe High School in Ampipe Pennsylvania. Matt led his team in missed tackles, drive extending penalties, friendly fire injuries to teammates, and wore the number 33. Matt learned the game of football under Coach Nickerson and played with some of the best high school players ever from the state of Pennsylvania: Stefen Djordjevic, Bosko, Rifleman, Tank, Shadow, Mouse, Fox, and the legendary Vinnie Salvucci. Matt would like you to know that he never threw garbage on Coach Nickerson’s yard and the rumors of Matt trying to score with Lisa are false. They were just friends that happened to get really close during a vest making project for home economics.

Matt was awarded a full scholarship to Georgia Tech. When asked why Georgia Tech, Matt, appearing to have the personality of a post, replied that “they had the same uniform colors as Ampipe.” A mix up in paperwork and stringent NCAA rules as to never reversing a wrong no matter how wrong, landed Matt on the basketball team, not the football team. When asked about the mix up, Coach Bobby “Crooked” Cremins said, “Hell, at least we didn’t have to spend any booster money recruiting the kid.” His Tech career will always be remembered as his jersey number 15 was retired and is now and always will be hanging from the rafters of the Georgia Tech coliseum. When asked during the retirement ceremony why he chose the number 15, Matt unleashed what is now thought to be the first use of the official NBA Matt Harpring Leadership Scowl and said; “33 was my high school number and half of 33 is 15, you dumb ass.” The Georgia Tech crowd roared their approval.

Matt’s deception as an NBA quality basketball player has been ongoing since 1998. Although outted by a couple of World Championship coaches, Chuck Daley and Larry Brown, he seems to have finally found a willing accomplice in the Utah Jazz franchise, Jazzfanz, and in particular, Utah Jazz coach Jerry Sloan who strikes a startling resemblance to Craig T. Nelson, post cancellation of Call To Glory.

CAMP OBJECTIVES:

Deception, tricks to avoid learning the fundamentals, and most importantly how to pull the wool over your coach’s eyes are all points of emphasis. We will concentrate on giving every camper not only the illusion that they improved during the week, but the ability to fool other basketball knowledgeable people as well. Campers will be taught the “Matt Way” to play the game of basketball. My one desired goal is to pass on the unique knowledge I never gained playing for coaches like coach Nickerson, Doc Rivers, Randy Wittman, and Scott Layden.

ENROLLMENT AND COST:

Camp enrollment will give the appearance of being limited. We will institute a phony first come, first serve policy. I will basically take all campers as long as your check clears, your cash was not printed in West Ogden and you do not show up wearing an Andrei Kirilenko jersey. Each session will be $1000 for 5 days. Accidental insurance will be an additional cost and is MANDATORY. Make premiums payable to the Matt Harpringsucks Health Insurance Co. LLC.

Note: Due to the nature of skyrocketing health insurance premiums, we have no idea at this time how much these premiums will cost, so please make sure you have enough liquidity in your personal financial situation so you won’t have to screw your kid out of experiencing the Matt Harpringsucks basketball camp. Note #2: If you need help with your financial situation, may we recommend refinancing your home with the Matt Harpringsucks Sub-Prime Mortgage Company. Matt’s mortgage company brings the same illusionary and deceptive skills used on the basketball court to mortgage lending. In fact nearly all customers think they are borrowing at 0% interest for the life of the loan.

TYPICAL SCHEDULE

8:30 – 8:45: Roll Call, stretching, warm-up

Each camper will learn a series of exercises in which he can claim to his coaches that are his own Matt Harpringsucks personally designed workout program. Your coach will be so blown away he won’t realize that you are really not doing anything other than lying on the gym floor and trying to get an upskirt of the cheerleaders.

8:45-9:45: “Matt Way” fundamental stations

Campers are introduced to a revolutionary way to play the game. Here begins the basics of a self-centered approach to the game wrapped in a gritty, play hard package. The essence, the soul, the heart of the “Matt Way” system.

9:45-10:45 5 on 5 League Games

Only in live game settings can campers really appreciate the fact that there is no such thing as 5 on 5 basketball when you play the game the “Matt Way.”

10:45-11:30 Individual Skills Competition

Campers will have the opportunity to compete in the only thing that matters in playing the game the “Matt Way”…..phony individual skills. Competition will include the following events:

· The Scowl competition

· The Hand Waving in Air competition

· The Diving for Loose Balls That Are Already Out of Bounds competition

· The saying “AK SUCKS” 3 times really fast competition.

· The Ducking in the Office Doorway and Thanking Team Owner for not Trading You competition

· General Ass Kissing competition

· Pretending to be Open competition

· How to pick a Nice Horse competition

· The Jerry Sloan Gay Bashing competition

Note: Be aware it is not important who the best is, only who appears to be the best.

11:30-12:00 Lunch served by special guest eater, Rick Majerus

12:00-4:00 Free Time until Parent Pick-up

Campers will be given a list of the “Matt Way” basketball activities that kids can use to deceive their parents in explaining how they spent the 4 hr block after lunch. We believe in providing half the product at twice the price while providing the customer with the comfort in knowing that they are receiving twice the product at half the price.

Note: Matt won a Junior Achievement Award for this concept at Ampipe Jr. High.

STAFF:

It is extremely important for me to attend, coach, and instruct every minute of my camp. However, I provide no guarantee as I am subject to my own personal needs at any moment. On-court habits are hard to break, even when you are off the court. In lieu of my probable numerous absences and the real potential of me not showing up at all, I have assembled a crack staff of equally overrated former and current players in which to assist you in learning the “Matt Way” system. All of the staff in some form or another have adopted many of my principles and will bring their own unique perspectives to the game of basketball. The staff for the 2007 season will include: Nate Clements, Andre Reed, Jake Plummer, Floyd Landis, Beyonce, FIGJAM Mickelson, Pearl Washington, Michelle Wie and a special encore one day appearance by Barak Obama.

EACH CAMPER WILL RECEIVE:

1. Camp “wife beater” T-Shirt complete with a Matt Harpringsucks.com logo and signed by Schneider the Janitor from One Day at a Time: (Pack of smokes are an additional cost).
2. 8 x 10 Utah Jazz team photo with a separate inset picture of Matt Harpring and includes the added feature of Andrei Kirilenko being darkened out.
3. Personal “Illusion of Improvement” Evaluation sheet
4. Packet of the “Matt Way” basketball knowledge for home reference, encased in beautiful faux leather for your desktop, trophy case, den, or school locker. (Excellent for hiding porn, weed, and report cards from your parents).
5. Various gifts from our camp sponsors:
1. Limited time free pass to Harpringsucks.com
2. ¼ pt off of your interest rate at any one of the Wasatch Front locations of Matt Harpring Payday Loans when you miss your payment on your refinanced Matt Harpring Sub-Prime Mortgage loan.
3. 25% discount on your next purchase at Amanda’s Tack Shop
4. One free pari-mutual wager at Evanston Downs ($2 value)
5. 10% coupon on any purchase at the Doctor John’s location in Roy
6. A battery operated, nanotechnology designed Matt Harpring voice simulator which can be easily concealed on your game jersey. This state of the art unit instantly senses when it is necessary for you to be using a Matt Harpring cliché during a game. Pre-set clichés include
1. “WHOOT”
2. “I’m OPEN”
3. “Pass Me The Damn Ball Next Time Rookie”
4. “AK is a Worthless Piece of Tundra Turd.”
5. “Hey Stat Guy, How Many Shots Do I Have This Half?”
6. “Assists Are For Losers”

7. Entrance in a Grand Prize drawing for one lucky camper to experience next season’s Jargon Collin’s pre-game anti-motivational speech, a courtside seat next to Ronnie Brewer, and a VIP, behind the scenes access Pass to watch AK47 ride the exercise bike; backwards (the Putin Method), after the game.

A MESSAGE FROM MATT

I am proud to host this camp in its inaugural year. My goal is for this camp to provide the illusion that it is the best summer basketball camp in the state of Utah. It wasn’t long ago that I was looking for summer camps to attend. I have attended, participated, and coached in all types of camps. I was amazed how most of the camps are over-rated, over-populated, and a waste of time and money. It is my goal to for the Matt Harpringsucks basketball camp to exceed all those goals and be the most over-rated, over-populated, and biggest waste of time and money basketball camp in Utah and for you to never realize it. I have learned nothing from the best that basketball has to offer and have continually fooled the best basketball players in the world. I am eager to pass on the unique knowledge I have gained all on my own to the campers, all synthesized in the “Matt Way” basketball formula: MW = ((CRAPPx Beta+FGA-Assists/WACC)/MLA)

Note: CRAPP is a proprietary computation courtesy of Tater Sports Bureau.

I look forward to possibly seeing you or not seeing you depending on how I feel at the time of your arrival.

Note: We recommend that all campers label all clothing and gear with the number 15 or the number 33 or the formula 33/2 = 15 or “Max Player My Ass” so that lost gear may be identified as Matt Harpringsucks Basketball Camp attendee gear so that it may be restocked and resold to the campers at a severe mark up.

Note to Accompany Above Note: Matt used this business idea to trade lost camper gear found at the Adam Keefe/Curtis Borchardt Legends Camp in Palo Alto, CA for stock options in various Silicon Valley venture capital start ups that eventually went public.

Matt Harpringsucks Basketball Camp, fooling campers, one camper at a time.