On This Day, We All Cry With Kirilenko

Harpringsucks.com welcomes special guest writer "ddd" of retiresloan.com fame for this contribution. Check out his site for sequels in this series and for other inspirational thoughts.

In evaluating a basketball player’s effectiveness, there is one key element sports journalists get wrong more than anything else. A cultural obsession with statistics makes analysts lose sight of what’s most important. All they have to do is answer this question: How does the team play when player X is on the court?

Do they tend to stay focused? Do they make silly mistakes? Or, even more simply, does their team score more points than the opposing team when player X is on the court? When Andrei Kirilenko is on the court for the Jazz, the answers are: Yes. No. Yes.

The Jazz’s mysterious 8-12 limp to the finish coincided with Sloan’s mid-March preference to finish games with Harpring at the expense of AK. After the midway point of the third quarter, Andrei would disappear never to be seen again.[i] The result? A team previously known for composure down the stretch was instantly transformed into a team that collapsed in the fourth quarter. Coincidence? Hardly.[ii]

When I first heard of the HarpringSucks blog, my thoughts were probably pretty similar to most Jazz fans. “Wait, Matt’s okay. What are they talking about?” I never really had a lot of affection for Harpring, but I thought of him as a good sixth man who plays hard, scores in bunches, and gives the team some toughness that offsets his complete inability to stay in front of his man on defense.

Earlier this year, some Scottish filmmakers released a documentary about French soccer legend Zinedine Zidane where 17 cameras track him for an entire match against Villa Real. It’s amazing what you notice once you are trained in on Zidane, and Zidane alone. The ball appears to be simply an extended appendage of his body. His skill is like nothing the world’s most popular sport has ever seen. Nobody takes the ball from Zidane, unless Zidane is ready to give up the ball. Nobody.

Harpring is the exact opposite. I dare you to play the role of the Scottish filmmaker and focus on Matt for an entire game. What you will see is a turnover machine. He can’t pass the ball. I mean at all. When was the last time Harpring threw a pass where you said, “Wow, I can’t believe he saw that.” Whereas, with AK almost every game he throws at least one pass where you say to yourself, “I can’t believe he saw, much less threw, that pass.” The only passes Harpring makes that inspire awe are those that go directly into the hands of the other team.

Broadcasters love to mention the media guide garbage about Harpring’s family background in football. “How tough is Matt Harpring? I mean he goes about two-thirty, but that doesn’t even tell ya…Wow…I mean, he and Fish are solid.” Bolerjack will repeat some variation of this at least three times a game.

Not once, have I heard anyone make the most obvious comparison available—Harpring is a perpetual fumbler. The ball squirts out of his hands more than any one not-named Greg Ostertag. Except, Sloan rarely had Ostertag on the court when the game was on the line. Not the case with Matt.

Harpring also routinely has many turnovers that will never appear in the stat sheet. The guy commits at least two to three stupid completely unnecessary fouls each game. Most of these occur, but are not limited to, the offensive end. Harpring is like one of the metal centurion cylons out of Battlestar Gallatica, except instead of a complicated base ship to give him orders, he has tractor-loving puritan Sloan.

The Matt Harpring cylon is programmed to run specific routes on the court. If someone gets in its way, it does not abort the mission, but continues with the route. Toughness. TOUGHNESS will prevail over all! This is the only form of analysis provided to the Harp-bot.

Inevitably at some point in every game, Harpring will be trying to post up, screen, or move through the lane and he will thrust his hip or shoulder into an opposing player causing them to fly to the hardwood. Guess what? There aren’t first-downs in this game, you can’t do that. The ref immediately blows his whistle. Harpring will then turn, making a face of complete incredulity like an eight-year-old who was told he could not ride the roller coaster because he didn’t meet the 45 inch height requirement. “Sorry son, I just can’t let you out there. This is for your own good.” If Sloan were the brilliant coach every one treats him to be, this is precisely what he’d say to Harpring.

Instead, he is Jerry’s favorite student. "Little Jerry," they call him. How cute. How appropriate. How disgusting. I will now hang myself from the kitsch Energy Solutions signage. It’s Electrifying!
________________________________________

[i] On April 7, Andrei was injured and missed all but the final two games of the regular season. However, at that point Sloan had already made his preference for Harpring clearly known.

[ii] Many people will point out that AK was injured midway through the 12-1. However, AK’s minutes were not redistributed primarily to Harpring, but Millsap. Paul's presence also results in favorable answers to the key effectiveness questions.