4th Quarter - Time to Prepare for Aaron Gray

I hope they draw my name. Nothing like getting Giricek's jockstrap. Never been worn. Not sure there are any balls to support. Maybe get some of AK's Russian novels. I can't wait for the Jazz to be involved in Kobe trade talks as a prelude to sending AK to the Lakers as Kobe goes to Boston. The Jazz of course improve with Theo Ratliff, Brian "Elder" Scalabrine, and Dan Dickau. Can't wait.

Right Now.

Well, there's nothing like taking the 4th quarter of the final game of the season, which happens to be in San Antonio. Well, maybe there is: Kidney stones.

The Pearl: My wireless provider is TMobile.

The Pearl: Sidenote: One positive Utah development is that the state appears to have discovered Mallo Cups. Traditionally an east coast treat. Creamy coconut and marshmallow. Now showing up in Ogden locales.

The Pearl: Mark Jackson giving Utah props. If you play the tape backwards it says "Stockton sucks."

The Pearl: If I am not mistaken, I believe Elder Bonner's garments are hanging out below his game shorts.

The Pearl: WATER MOCASSINS!

The Pearl: I believe my blogging partner is pulling a Derek Fisher. It appears his basset hound has eaten some more rocks and he had to fly to NY to have the boulders removed.

YB: Basset Boulders are tough. And expensive.

The Pearl: Spurs beating the Jazz in every stat category including the number of white players on the court at the same time.

YB: The next three years are going to be electrifying!

The Pearl: Good call YB. I am looking forward to Fisher, Harp, Elder Scalabrine, Collins and Dan Dickau on the court at the same time.

YB: I wonder if Norbit is as bad as the reviews. It can't be worse than Shrek the Third. Or this game.

The Pearl: Current lineup: GG, PM, Dee, Brewer, Haffa. I would substitute AK for PM and we could deem this lineup "The Showcase" lineup. KOC could speed dial every other GM in the league to make sure they watch the final 5 minutes. The NBA equivalent of a garage sale.

The Pearl: RIGHT NOW
RIGHT NOW

The Pearl: If you take the cat out of The Pussycat Dolls....... just saying.

YB: Yippee Ki-yay Motherfu...GIRICEK HAD A BLOCK! WOW!!!

YB blogging on a Commodore 64, alternating between blogging and space invaders.

YB: It's The E.T. Atari game. It kicks ass.

The Pearl: The Spurs and Jazz post game antics remind me of a few scenes from OZ, an HBO production. I think Fisher just dropped a bar of soap in front of Timmy.

The Pearl: Nothing screams Cialis like jeans with a sport coat.

YB: Glad that's over. Next up, SJF Live Blogging the Draft. Or The Chinese Democracy. Whichever happens first.

Quarter the third: We fought the law and the law won

Nothing encapsulates this game more than this song:



Replace "woman" with "Jazz" and "man" with "Spurs" and I think you get the picture.

I went a little ballistic on the pre-game stuff, so Madame will be handling most of your jokes, I mean commentary, tonight. This blog has journalistic integrity.

I prefer to buy new books because I don't like my books sneaking around behind my back and letting other people read them. I'm a jealous reader. Madame Kicky likes to get books at the library because she likes to picture the books waiting around for years on a shelf just for her to come along. We can't decide who's view on this is more narcissistic.

P.S. It's hers

22:24:09 ‹The Pearl› Fisher is like your fringe friend you invite to a party out of a sense of obligation. He doesn't show up for about an hour and you think you are home free. All of a sudden he shows and everybody stands around awkwardly

Does anyone else envision Stephen A. Smith doing a line of coke during every commercial break?

We have our first mention of "eye cancer." Tatermoog wins the Harpringsucks pool for picking 9 minutes into halftime.

Madame Kicky and I can't decide if the game will be better after drinking Vanilla Cognac or Godiva White Chocolate Liqueur.

A list of things we like better than watching this loss: babies (live ones too! UGH!), talking to Madame's mother, going to church, law school, eating airline food, talking to telemarketers for hours about their personal lives, and Ross Perot.

It appears Derek Fisher is making a big difference. The deficit is exactly what it was at halftime.

Mark Jackson just got surprisingly angry about Utah's defense. It was like he had a Nam flashback or something.

I lied. Derek Fisher is making a big difference. The lead is getting bigger.

I'm 90% sure Fisher told the referee "You're blinder than my daughter!"

Oh yeah, skip the above joke if you're easily offended.

Madame Kicky wants everyone to know that if AK leaves she's jumping ship.

I wonder if we could trade Fisher and Harpring for a couple of used balls?

Madame Kicky is currently performing the best girlfriend service of all time. Not that you sicko! She stands with the mute button at the ready in case it looks like the Pussycat Dolls are ready to sing.

How did Gordan Giricek end up in America? His face demands he perpetually be in movies about starving poor people. Those features should always be smeared with ashes and coal dust.

Rafael Arujao just entered the game. This is literally his last chance to impress people before his contract expires. If this was a movie, he'd rally the Jazz right now. In reality, he's going to be impressing some scouts for the European teams.

Giricek just travelled. Madame Kicky is inventing a heartwarming yarn abouthim watching his wife's face get kicked in by a jackboot. I have no idea what a jackboot is but apparently that makes it more violent and heartbreaking than a regular boot.

They just showed Tony Parker Sr. sitting next to Eva Longoria. He looked bored like he's had WAY hotter women before. He is french you know.

22:48:31 ‹IzeOfLight› I find Hoffa strangely attractive.

Don't we all. Don't we all.

At least we'll leave this game with our dignity. I mean, it's not like it was a blowout or anything.

Right now the Spurs are Ivan Drago and we're Apollo Creed.

This is really a good thing for the NBA. All season I've been hearing people talk about how they really wanted to see San Antonio win their fourth title in a decade.

Next time Derek Fisher enters a game in the middle of a quarter he needs to pay off the arena MC to play Kanye West's "Jesus Walks" as he enters the arena.

On the positive side, at least we're cleaning out our lockers in late May this year.

Madame Kicky can't believe that Rafael Arujao made a free throw. To be fair, Arujao looks pretty stunned himself.

I think Oberto holds his hair back with a rubber band. Either that or it's some kind of mini-khaki colored head band. Either way, I'm sure he has John Amaechi on speed-dial.

I don't know who's doing the fourth, but it turns out that turning this over to Madame Kicky never happened.

Quarter 2: "Only Because I Have To"

Wow, what a mess. Good thing the Jazz are known for strong second quarters.

After checking up on some message boards, it appears that this will be AK's last game in a Jazz uniform before he gets traded for Kobe. Enjoy these last 36 minutes, fans.

I wonder if Kobe reads books before the game.

Also, I wonder if Kobe makes stupid passes across the perimeter.

My phone rings. I rush over to answer it. It's an automated message explaining that I can increase my credit limit on one of my cards. I begin to hang up, glance back at the television, then change my mind and opt for a less painful death.

The Jazz performance in this game so far is actually making me long for a few seconds of "RIGHT NOW!"

ESPN obliges. I have chosen...poorly.

From chat:
‹The Pearl› RIGHT NOW
‹The Pearl› RIGHT NOW
‹The Pearl› RIGHT NOW
‹The Pearl› RIGHT NOW
He has officially gone [more] insane.

Fisher just called in: "Uhh, remember how I said I'd be able to make an appearance in the 4th quarter? I, umm, my plane is, err...unforseen circumstances have...umm...I'm breaking *cough* up here *cough*..."

Kobe watching his new team from home. Thinking: "I totally would have [taken and] made that shot. And that one. And THAT one." I can't wait to see him and Harpring battle over not passing.

Second Half Live Blog Cancellation Status: True Blue.

(HarpringSucks'ers currently standing around the lions' den arguing about who should be the next to be thrown in. Surprisingly no one is volunteering themselves.)

To draw an analogy, watching this game so far has been like...like watching a competent team dismantle a much less competent team.

Jazz currently on pace to lose by 44.5 points. Steve Javie will inevitably be blamed for the score not ending in a whole number.

Sloan has officially thrown in the Ronnie Brewer. Err, towel.

Jackson explains to us that wrapping your arms around someone is good defense and should result in a jump ball. Inspired, on the next defensive play, Deron attempts to "tie up" Tony Parker.

Wonder if there will be a jump ball called during Tony and Eva's wedding night "celebration".

Honestly, I have no idea what I'm even saying anymore. I'm just opening my virtual mouth and letting randomness spew out. Like AK in a post-game interview.

On an unrelated note, I kind of feel that my fellow bloggers have reached their peak for this year.

Based on the first couple of defensive "stands" after a timeout, I can only imagine that the strategy went something like this:
Jerry: "Let's mix it up a little, pack things in, let them beat us with the 3."
Two minutes later..."Oh wait...right. @#$%."

NBA execs looking at a lineup of Dee, Hoffa, Memo, AK, and Brewer and feeling pretty good about the Spurs advancing to the finals.

FISHER IS ON THE WAY!!!

Let's see, a shot every .4 seconds in the second half is...14,400 points.

Bordy completes his lap and sees no one waiting for the baton. He lays it on the track and shuffles away, not looking back.

Quarter 1

A turnover and a missed AK jumper to start the game (in reverse order). Neat!

Our boys look pretty in the light-blue jerseys, though.

What is with our crappy rebounding these days? Used to be our best strength.

Boozer to AK for a dunk, nice. Then a Boozer jumper. Not too shabby. I know if I were to do some obligatory acne joke, it could maybe bump this blog up a notch to being semi-funny, but I just can't do it. Sorry, Kicky and Tater.

Is there a correlation between Memo's showering schedule and his FG%?

Now that the Spurs have gone on an 8-0 run, Sloan calls a timeout. Huh. Well, it's better than a 12-0 run, I s'pose.

Okur hit a shot! He showered!

So Memo's new form of defense is just to lean on Duncan as he's starting to face up? Genius.

This camera angle is making me dizzy.

Is Horry sacrificing his body really all that much of a sacrifice? He's old. And he doesn't look like Will Smith anymore. And he's usually pretty close to the ground anyway . . .

Oh good, we're shooting jumpers all day again. And an alley-oop to Duncan. I might quit here soon.

Holy crap, not even a 14-0 run will get Sloan to call a time-out. The guy's literally insane. Clinically insane.

See, we score ONE BUCKET, and Pop CALLS A TIME-OUT. I wonder why the Spurs are champs. Aside from having a Tim Duncan and all.

Sorry, I really stopped caring there for a bit. Who's up for quarter 2? Bordy? Sweet.

WCF Game 5 Pre-show Part Two: Zoolander, Zach Braff, and, oh yeah, the Jazz

Part Two: In which I address something non-basketball related but that really sticks in my craw: Zach Braff is a F#$%ing plagiarist

HarpringSucks.com was founded on the idea that we hate liars and deceivers. People, like Matt Harpring, who somehow con others into believing they are something they are not, are worst scum of the earth because they create false expectations and hope in viewers that will inevitably be crushed time and time again. In that line I think it is our responsibility to call to task the Matt Harpring of the entertainment industry: Zach Braff.

Zach Braff was given critical and popular acclaim when he starred in, wrote, and directed his "original" work "Garden State." There's only one problem: he pretty much re-hashed entirely a Steve Guttenberg classic from his childhood. (I understand that using the word Steve Guttenberg and classic in the same sentence is somewhat odd, but stick with me here) Dear readers, I submit to you that "Garden State" is, in fact, a re-make of "Short Circuit."

Now I know what you're thinking. "Remake?! Garden State is about an actor who goes home for the first time after his mother's death in New Jersey and finds love and happiness for the first time after he stops taking anti-depressants. And Short Circuit is about a death weapon robot who starts to believe he's human and alive after an electrical storm." I understand these may not be literal re-makes, but I present to you today the proposition that Zach Braff, clever as he is, chose to metaphorically re-make Short Circuit.


Zach couldn't make a movie about a literal robot falling in love for the first time because he would have had to start writing those expensive Steve Guttenberg royalty checks. Instead, he did the next best thing: Zach made his main character an emotional robot who seeks release by being an actor where he can let loose his emotions. Just as the Robot #5 is constantly mistaken for a weapon of death even when he becomes gentle and human, everyone Braff runs into in Garden State constantly remembers him for his one film role: a retarded quarterback in a cliche-ridden sports film. Ultimately Braff is freed from his lithium induced haze by the "emotional electric storm" of his mother's death which ultimately causes him to realize the meaningfulness of his own humanity. Sound like any other movie to you?


Braff even goes so far as to metaphorically steal meaningful shots from Short Circuit. Braff's scene were he wears a shirt made from the same fabric and pattern as wallpaper in his mother's bathroom was discussed as being a great metaphor for the way we all blend into the lives of those around us, but in reality it was a blatant robbery from the scene where Robot #5 sneaks out of the Department of Defense facility by blending in with outgoing garbage cans.

Furthermore Braff makes a cruel mockery of #5's first discovery of the outside world where he meets a stray dog by having his main character's love interest be introduced in a scene where a seeing eye dog humps Braff's leg. And don't even get me started on the similarities between Ally Sheedy and Natalie Portman.


Finally, Garden State steals some of the best representational artistry from Short Circuit and makes it cheap and literal. Where Robot #5 must leap from Steve Guttenberg's van into the unknown to escape from the Department of Defense, Garden State's main characters literally scream into an abyss. Real subtlety in your film making there Zach. The movies even end the same way, with a false departure leaving the Ally Sheedy/Natalie Portman character saddened but ultimately overjoyed when Zach Braff/Robot #5 re-emerge. In essence, there was no key plot point from Garden State that was not wholly ripped from Short Circuit.


Mr. Braff, you owe the world an apology for your plagiarism. We though you might be a Richard Jefferson of film making, but at the end of the day you were just another Matt Harpring. I'm so disappointed.

WCF Game 5 Pre-show Part One: Zoolander, Zach Braff, and, oh yeah, the Jazz

Part One: In which we sort of discuss basketball

One of the great moments in Ben Stiller's "Zoolander" occurs when the two main male models suddenly break out of the joke that runs the entire film (i.e. Male models are dumb...really, really dumb) and actually engage in a discussion about the true meanings of the things we say and how they are interpreted by others. I refer, of course, to the immortal "Earth to Matilda" scene. For those who haven't seen the movie in awhile this immediately follows the freakfest involving Finnish Dwarves and a Maori Tribesman and immediately precedes the break-in to Mugatu's office. Also, for those who haven't seen the movie in awhile: dude, get basic cable. Seriously, this is 2007.


During this scene Matilda finally grows frustrated with one of Derek's verbal ticks, in which he frequently will explain something that is seemingly obvious to everyone by beginning a thought with the phrase "Earth to Matilda." In this particular instance Derek is explaining to Matilda why he can never turn off his cell phone, even when his refusal to do so may end not only his life but the Prime Minister of Malaysia's as well. The scene proceeds as follows:

Derek: "Earth to Matilda: This phone is as much a part of me as..."

Matilda: "You know what? Can we just cut it out with all the 'Earth to's?
Please?"

Hansel: "We're not actually saying this is the Earth calling you Matilda."

Matilda: "Yeah. No. I got that. I understand you don't literally mean..."

Derek: "Uh, no! I don't think you do. Listen, it's not like we actually
think we're in a control tower trying to reach outer space aliens or something.
Ok?"

Hansel (pretending to be in a control tower and whispering): "Hello? .....
Hello?"

Obviously Matilda was not impressed because she wrote this off as the boys once again displaying the lack of brain cells that led them to overcompensate by being really really ridiculously good looking in the first place. In reality, however, what we have here is a unique and interesting form of recognition on the part of Derek and Hansel in that they can diagnose the immediate outward signs of Matilda's annoyance, her verbal tick, but have not correctly figured out what it is about the tick that she finds annoying. Rather than realizing that she thinks the tick is demeaning and obnoxious, they believe that she thinks they are literally trying to contact her in outer space. In neurophysiological sense, Hansel and Derek can hear the words and understand their meanings but are unable to cognitively process what those words mean to Matilda and what she is attempting to convey. Interestingly, Hansel and Derek reach the exact same conclusion through the same flawed mechanism, curiously implying that there is some sort of cognitive processing condition that is common among male supermodels.

Similarly we see this same flaw in how NBA fans process the same raw information and come out on the other end with radically different meanings. Some fans see guys that play hard and are mediocre and think "that's a great player, someone I could go to war with, let's play him 30 minutes a game." Others see those same players that play hard and are mediocre and say "I'm glad he's playing hard, but at the end of the day he's mediocre despite the effort." Frequent readers will understand that these mediocre guys who play hard on the Utah Jazz are Derek Fisher and Matt Harpring. Although much has been made on this blog and on various NBA message boards of Sloan's seeming stubborn insistence on playing guys who show effort but ultimately hurt the team, it turns out that we've been missing the point all along. The problem is not that Sloan is stubborn or believes that Harpring and Fisher are superstars, the problem is that Sloan processes cognitively processes his visual information differently than most NBA fans.

To be sure, having a coach who processes things differently is not always a bad thing and does not invariably lead to guys like Adam Keefe getting major minutes on NBA teams. Tex Winter's ability to conceive of a rectangular court as being composed of overlapping triangular cross-sections led to multiple NBA championships for two separate franchises. Red Auerbach's sense of floor dynamics and continuity created a decade-long dynasty. Pat Riley's greasy hair inspired many a junior high basketball coach. However, while all of those guys displayed a difference in the way they perceive reality that positively influenced their team's chances of victory, sometimes these cognitive differences can sometimes be appropriately called "coaching disorders." For every Jackson Pollack, there's 1000 guys who just spill paint.

Unfortunately if Jerry Sloan was an artist he'd still be starving in Greenwich Village and talking about putting on a seniors-only production of "Rent." When it comes to substitution patterns he makes his infamous Irrational Jerry Sloan Personnel Decisions (IJSPD's) not because he's being obtuse but because he processes the information "plays hard" as "plays well" instead of realizing that "plays hard" is as far as that logic goes. Interestingly this message appears to be contagious, as Jerry's world-view has slowly spread among the casual fans and broadcasting booths around the NBA in regards to his pets. Even though we here at Harpringsucks have been fighting the spread of this paticular processing dysfunction in one form or another for roughly three seasons now, it is becoming apparent that in roughly a decade the most popular NBA players will be 5'7" white guys who can't quite dunk but make quite a show of missing lay-ups and diving for loose balls. Everyone will be convinced the heart and soul of the NBA is in a better place than it used to be. I used to wonder how many viewings of Zoolander it would take for someone to honestly believe that Derek and Hansel's interpretation of Matilda's protest was the correct one. The answer, after seeing the sudden conversion of popular opinion towards Derek Fisher this year, is apparent: 82.

Check back at roughly noon for Part Two: In which we don't discuss basketball at all.

Point-Four

The Tragedy of Point-Four
Based on a Poem by Edgar Allan Poe

Once upon an evening boring, as I over stats was poring
From many quick-forgotten games and Jazz boxscores
Casually clicking, website-searching, I found my stomach sharply lurching,
A message board my eyes besmirching, besmirching with absurdities ne’er seen before
“Just some Jazz fans,” I muttered, “with tales of long past lore—
Only this and nothing more.”

But as I read from post to post, my heart grew dim, my brain engrossed
With hearty cheers and happy boasts for Derek Fisher whom they all adore!
“Playoffs,” claimed one, enthusiastic, “are where Fisher shines fantastic,
Though regular season might be spastic, come clutch-time he can’t fail to score.”
I read the final statement, mouth agape, then I swore.
Quoth the Jazz fan, “Play Point-Four!”

Feeling stunned and disbelieving, I thought, “The stats might be deceiving,
All this praise he is receiving must be from some oft-neglected source.”
But as the playoff stats I scanned, I witnessed no improvement grand
In fact, I found them rather bland, and they left me feeling fairly sore.
“Jazz fans bought in to Derek Fisher’s folklore.”
This I thought and nothing more.

And there I sat, still perusing, Fisher’s stats my thoughts confusing,
As finally, my temper losing, I succumbed to anti-Fish rancor.
“For such a vet,” I flatly stated, “I would hardly be elated
With a career dedicated to shooting a percent of ten times four.
No wonder Chris Mullins showed him the door.
In conclusion, bench Point-Four.”

Minutes passed and then a torrent, posters calling me abhorrent
My opinions did not warrant a response, my stats ignored.
“In the clutch, Fish always comes through, resplendent in the powder blue,
And leads the team, does Number 2, through many a dark and dreadful storm.
In the playoffs, we need him all the more.”
Typed the Jazz fans, “Play Point-Four!”

The days passed, turned into weeks, complete with Utah losing streaks,
The playoffs that the Jazz did seek, were in hand, more games in store.
Coach Sloan gazed out, steely-eyed, upon his team, and then relied
On Derek Fisher, Brewer denied the chance to defend T-Mac on the court.
“We can’t lose to Houston with Fisher on the floor!”
Crowed the Jazz fans, “Play Point-Four!”

The Jazz fans’ wish? Quickly granted, and quickly too the fans recanted
As Fisher’s feet were firmly planted, planted steadfast, his defense surpassing poor.
T-Mac blew by, the left or right with Fisher’s play an unholy blight
And offense as well a similar sight as he missed lay-ups on the open floor.
Jazz fans all their early hopes foreswore.
To Sloan they shouted, “Bench Point-Four!”

Mirabile dictu! Victory gained! And Jazz fans traded expressions pained
For joy, and not a soul refrained from lavishing praises on the team galore.
But Fisher left the second series, leaving fans with several theories
For why a team that once seemed dreary destroyed a rival feared before
Could it be Fish lacked the proper repertoire?
The Jazz fans, fickle, cried, “Not Point-Four!”

But in Game Two, to Fisher’s glee, he hit an open corner three
And what was this? Why, could it be? Could the fans his name restore?
As his shots grew from one to many, fans suggested (not so gently)
Fisher haters evidently missed the glory of our great savior!
“Fisher is a valuable piece of this young team’s core!
Derek Fisher, forevermore!”

Save storybooks and fairytales, nothing closes “all ends well”
As Fish hammered the final nail into the coffin of his own support.
Shot after shot he threw awry; the Spurs, well-pleased, gave their reply
With win after win, despite the tries of the Jazz before the series was o’er.
But o’er it was, with a whimper, not a roar.
Quoth the Jazz fans, “Don’t blame Point Four!”

And here am I, alone and weeping, fatigued, exhausted, almost sleeping,
When I feel a presence creeping, creeping through my open door.
I spin and stare, and then stifle a girly scream at the arrival
Of a being, some survival of a darker time in days of yore.
There is a Raven standing on my apartment floor.
It stares silent, nothing more.

“Why come you?” I shriek whilst crawling, “Why at my place do you come calling?”
Is it because I find appalling Fisher’s play, which I deplore?”
“Tell me now, you loathsome creature! Is it in this poem I feature
Weak slant rhyme and broken meter that draws your ire and now my home you explore?”
The raven faces me, a chilling look ne’er seen before.
Quoth the Raven, “Harpring sucks.”

Game Four, Fourth Quarter: "Against My Better Judgement"

I have no idea why I am doing this. I either get to narrate the continuance of the story book season or sheppard the Jazz into the off season.

A couple of housekeeping items before the stupidity begins:

1. By far the worst presentation of a NBA playoff series in the history of the league. The ABC/ESPN co-farce is an absolute joke. Van Gundy is the only individual that lends one once of credibility to the broadcast.

2. This is not a first for ABC, their presentation of the 2005 Indy 500 was equally as poor. Todd Harris, a local Utah product did the race. Every other lap he reminded us that it was the Indy 500 and it was the greatest race in the world. They are still recovering from the loss of Howard Cosell and Don Meredith.

3. Playoff MattHarpring sucks worse than Regular Season MattHarpring sucks

4. There is probably a good chance that prior to these playoffs the Pussycat Dolls were getting some rotation work. I doubt any serious sports fan will ever put them in the rotation again.

"Fisher is not coming out of the game"....................................................................... oh to be a baby seal in the arctic right now.

Harp appears to be the go to guy early in the 4th.........................................................................

Mark Jackson sucks.

Oberto appears to be not washing his hair during the Spurs playoff run.

Mark Jackson sucks. I think he has every one of his comments written before the game starts.

Question? Why did Pop call that timeout? Never mind, it appears Pop has some kind of royalty agreement with the Pussycat Dolls.

The trade AK/Okur momentum will border on mania in about 6 minutes.

Another time out. Shocking. I am convinced I could play a quarter in the NBA. I take less breaks when I mow my lawn.

RIGHT NOW! RIGHT NOW! RIGHT NOW! RIGHT NOW!

I cleaned my office today. Carpet cleaners coming tomorrow.

Commercial still going.

Where is my ritalin.

RIGHT NOW! RIGHT NOW!

Still waiting for the resumption of play. Ritalin not kicking in.

AK WITH AN AMAZING BLOCK! McCloud misses the jumper on the other end. Baby seals yelping in the distance.

Van Gundy on Boozer: "Defense is not his strength" Crickets chirping

Devin Brown just fouled

The Jazz look like the losing pup in Michael Vick's backyard.

Fisher appeared to be implementing a "Baron Davis Lite" maneuver on Manu. Manu in response appears to have been shot by an M-1 Carbine. The refs respond with a technical foul on the Deadliest Catch. NBA BASKETBALL IS FANTASTIC!

RIGHT NOW! RIGHT NOW!

Would you do Linda Cohn? ....................................me neither.

The Jazz in full meltdown mode. Dee Brown in, Deron out. PHIL JOHNSON ROCKS!

Pop looks like he spent about $40 total on his outfit. Nice checked shirt. They went out of style with Abe Lincoln's sideburns.

Mr. Leadership gets tossed.

Chris Mullin sucks

WATER MOCASSINS!!!!

I think the crowd is chanting "3 more years!"

Final comment: Doesn't Michelle Tafoya look like she constantly needs a shower and to brush her teeth?

Final comment II: Did Giri play in the second half?"

Game Four, Third Quarter: In Which Liveblogging Becomes a Chore

-What idiot set the precedent for live-blogging on HarpringSucks, anyways?

*grumble*

-Fisher's overall contributions to the team have been overlooked by fans and HS contributors alike. After all, he has 4 rebounds and 3 assists...

In the series thus far.

-Stephen A. Smith's halftime analysis:

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Thank you, Stephen A.

-Mark Jackson: "Whatever Deron's taking, I want two of them."

UncleofIze shrugs, walks over, gives Jackson two anti-nausea pills.

-Memo gets the ball right under the basket, goes up, is stuffed by Duncan. Yeliz might need to put him on Suicide Watch tonight. Actually, that would require Okur to care about his performance.

-Bowen just took Andrei Kirilenko off the dribble and hit a hook shot over him. Masha needs to extend her Suicide Watch for another month or so.

-JVG is hammering on the team for its unnecessary help on San Antonio's drives. He might make a pretty good coach. If he got a team with a good center and an athletic swingman, he could go deep in the playoffs.

Unless that swingman was Tracy McGrady, poor bastard.

-Okur finally hit a money shot. That should take care of all that pent-up...uh...frustration.

-I like this play where Deron crosses halfcourt, passes to AK, lets him dribble in the same spot for 4 seconds, then receives the ball again. Highly effective.

-The three officials converge to discuss a call and are quickly joined by Tim Duncan, the fourth ref. Maybe that should be his nickname, the Ref.

-AK gets the ball fairly open under the basket, and as he goes up, it shoots out of his hands like a bar of soap. At this point, I think the laws of physics are conspiring against his offense.

-I'm not entirely sure on this point, but it would seem one of the elements they teach you in "Veteran Leadership Class" is that you can't lift your pivot foot. I guess Fisher took the Accelerated Course.

-I love this commercial with the guys watching the golf game on the couch, if just for the final scene where a player on TV drives and the three yell and high-five each other. I know when I watch golf, it is an intense emotional journey for me and my friends. Usually, by the time the player is putting, we're all in each others' arms, wiping the tears from our comrades' faces and collapsing in exhaustion.

-Whoa, what a block by Boozer. He just learned the True Meaning of Defense.

-I will repeat something The Pearl/Capt. Sig once said: "Do you ever see anyone say, 'that was a great double-down into the post?'"

-There's something hilarious about hearing Mark Jackson praise a guy for playing solid defense. If he starts talking about leaders holding the team together, I might hurt myself.


-Jazz have cut the game to 3 with a few minutes to play in the quarter. Time to bring in the Closer: Matt Harpring. The Closer. On TNT.

Closer.

-Someone should probably tell Harpring that "help defense" means something different from "leave man and walk into the vicinity of man with the ball." I think he's getting the "help" part, but the "defense" part is confusing him.

It's the football background.

-That's twice Deron has explained to a player how they screwed up a pass after a turnover. Team leader in turnovers: Deron.

-Harpring with the rebound, passes it to a cutting Tony Parker. Have to admit, for a Harpring pass, it looked nice.

-Best news of the night: I'm turning things over to Pearl/Sig for the fourth quarter.

This 2nd Quarter Better Not Suck

You all have Affirmative Action to thank for this current live-blog; HarpringSucks has to fill the quota of female postings and estrogen on the blog. Buckle up.

With the second-quarter lineups, that usually lends itself to good comedy. And yes, within 15 seconds, Harpring's shot is "way off." Good times. Good times. Then a foul called on Harp (though kind of a wussy foul call, if you ask me).

UncleOfIze is wearing a yellow tie, but at least it's a different yellow tie this time; at one point he'd worn the same red tie three games in a row. I was thinking he wasn't liking the ties I picked out for him, but no, he was just picking whichever tie was closest. I heart UncleOfIze.

Giricek now with three fouls in five minutes, and a T. Not good. That means more Fisher. Fisher with an MLA, then Harp with an MLA, then Millsap with an MLA. Is Harp freakin' infecting everyone?

Harpring was just called an excellent defender. I think I just spit up in my mouth.

HUGE shot by Okur. Not only did they beat the shot clock (Sloan sheds a wee tear), but Okur hit a shot. Wait, I mean, Okur hit a shot!!!!!!!!!

Fisher with active hands on D (or at least that's what the announcers say happened), turning into a MADE layup by Fish on the other end . . . this is too good to be true!

AK with a great post-up move. Followed up with some fancy D by Harp. Oh wait.

Kicky: "Madame Kicky isn't giving up hope that williams will hork on the floor."

One of the many reasons why we love her. When is she live-blogging again? Tell her to put down that adult-only stuff and blog.

Williams is such a freaking stud. Those crossovers then jumpers? Dude's a stud.

Followed up by some piss-poor defense by the Jazz. Holy crap.

Kicky: So I love it when they describe the Spurs as a "chippy team." I was convinced chippy wasn't a word so I looked it up. It's a word, but it means "female prostitute." You can't make this stuff.

Duncan's second foul. About time. The Jazz should keep taking it at him all game and make him play defense.

I keep losing stuff in my live-blog. It's funny, too, darnit.

Collins is keeping up his awesome play from the last game. Oh wait. 1-4 from the free-throw line. Super.

Don't worry, boys. Tater will be blogging the third quarter, so prepare yourselves for some first-rate snarkiness and top-of-the-line surliness.

Quarter 1: In which Deron Williams contracts the ebola virus and becomes a game time decision

Madame Kicky is convinced that Stephen A. Smith talks that way because he's got an "F***ed up face." How that would change his voice I have no idea. I think she's just prejudiced against ugly people. You should have heard all the hateful things she had to say about the Elephant Man.

Stephen A. Smith asks Bruce Bowen if he's a dirty player. Bruce responds by punching him in the face, kicking him in the genitals, pulling his hair, and getting Stephen A. suspended when he complains to the show producer.

They just said Deron Williams is going to play. Madame Kicky is openly rooting for him to puke on the court during play. I'd settle for him retching while Tim Duncan is trying to shoot free throws.

I'm trying to explain the Michael Jordan flu game to Madame Kicky, which led to the following exchange:
Madame Kicky: Did he puke?
Sirkicky: No
Madame Kicky: Then it wasn't the flu!

Is it just me or is Jeff Van Gundy suddenly yelling into the mic all the time too? If he keeps that up he'll lose his voice and won't be able to order his methamphetamine later tonight.

This seems like a good time to mention that Madame Kicky is a hardcore Harry Potter fan. She's addicted to the point that she reads the books while taking a shower, leading to all her copies having interestingly warped pages. Right now she's going ballistic over what she considers bogus internet rumors about things that will supposedly be revealed in the upcoming Harry Potter novel. She's seriously obsessed. There is no doubt in my mind if she could meet Jesus Christ or Albus Dumbledore, Mr. Christ would have to find another friend for the day.

Tim Duncan and Tony Parker display as much lip-synching talent as the rest of the Pussycat Dolls.

Tim Duncan wins the tip and the home crowd bursts into booing. Maybe they showed Eva Longoria on the big screen or something.

Have you ever noticed that whenever they call a foul on Tim Duncan he does the same "hands on head pose" employed repeatedly by Right Said Fred in the "I'm Too Sexy" video?



Okur is now ridiculously gun-shy on offense. If this was baseball he would have been called for about five "shooting-balks" in the last 2 minutes.

Van Gundy says that Williams should have attacked because "he had numbers, you know three on three." I had no idea that was a prime fast break opportunity.

Williams fell on the floor and looked sick. This led to open cheering in our room waiting for Williams to hork. Madame Kicky and were actively chanting "DO IT! DO IT! DO IT!"

Madame Kicky is convinced Deron Williams made the "whoop" noise that people make when they're trying to suppress vomit.

Fisher has returned to form in this game. Usually that's meant as a compliment. I think you all know how we mean it on this website.

Oberto is clearly an offensive genius with the way he just faked out Okur. That's why he's a sure-fire perennial all-star in this league.

ESPN just showed Deron Williams taking "anti-nausea pills" right before the game. The NBA is so making him take a drug test at half-time.

Is anyone legitimately excited about the Fantastic Four sequel? I don't remember talking to anyone who thought the first one was awesome. I figured there'd be as much demand for this as for, say Gigli 2.

I like how much is being made of Gregg Popovich saying nothing to his team after Game 3 as if this is some great bit of coaching. Sounds to me like he's a kid giving his friends the silent treatment.

Williams sits on the bench. I'm just stunned they're not hooking him up to an IV while he's sitting down for theatrical purposes.

Collins and Ginobili just had some kind of flop-fight. They both fell over by barely making any contact. That was kind of entertaining.

JVG is openly calling the Collins-Ginobili fight a "flop off." This sounds like something they should do at the all-star game to me.

Fisher comes out of the game and Giricek immediately hits a shot. Maybe the 129th time that's happened this season will finally convince Sloan to start a real shooting guard at shooting guard.

Madame Kicky has decided the spurs are boring and is openly reading a "for mature readers only" comic book, thus proving that smut is more fun than sports (which explains why bordelais7 hasn't posted inawhile and JohnDeereJerry hasn't posted ever, they're otherwise occupied.)

ESPN interrupts the gam to confirm that they will, in fact, show more Roger Clemens minor-league pitches on Sportscenter tonight than basketball plays. Priorities guys, priorities!

Gregg Popovich has decided to go with no tie and that weird white and pink shirt combo again. I'm convinced he only brought one change of clothes to Salt Lake City.

Michael Finley gets slapped in the face, is arguably prettier!

Deron Williams hits a three/infects Jacque Vaughn with bubonic plague. The crowd cheers.

In accordance with Title VII, the Federal Government has advised me our token female must blog the second quarter. Enjoy!

Game Three: Hey, They Might Not Screw This Up!

Tater: OK, first important question. Does the slightly ethnic member of the PussyCat Dolls even put any effort into lip-syncing? She just mouthed "right now," and it looked more like "mwah mwah." Maybe she talks like one of Charlie Brown's teachers.

Sirkickyass: I'm really enjoying this commercial where they splice basketball clips with promos for the Transformers movie. It makes me hope Matt Harpring might transform into a good basketball player.

Tater: For that to work, I think they'd have to combine NBA footage with clips from The Miracle Worker. Speaking of which, Brent Barry just blew by the whole Utah Jazz team for an easy layup. Brent Barry.

Sirkickyass: Derek Fisher just hit another three pointer. Apparently the Jazz hired an exorcist over the long break.

Tater: It's the fourth quarter. He never misses in the fourth quarter. It's like that part in Anchorman: 90% of the time, he hits 40% of the time.

Sirkickyass: I bet Gordan Giricek wears Sex Panther brand cologne.

Tater: Hey, the Jazz might actually win this game. I don't know how to handle this with my typical snark and aplomb.

Wait, they just showed some Jazz fans outside the building. I think I can manage.

Sirkickyass: I think Duncan and Parker go to the same barber.

Tater: Nair? Fisher with the clutch layup and foul. Jazz up by 14. And Duncan just picked up his fifth foul. It will take some serious finagling for the Jazz to lose this game. And I wonder if that's how you spell "finagle." Or if it's a word.

Sirkickyass: Greg Poppovich didn't bother wearing a tie to tonight's game. IzeofLight is unimpressed.

Tater: Did you wear a tie on your date?

Fisher just bricked an alleyoop to Boozer on the side of the rim, but I'm not so sure it wasn't a shot. And Harpring just blocked a shot. I think all we need in this game is for Hoffa to hit a three-pointer and I can check myself into a sanitarium.

Sirkickyass: I go on all my dates in a full tuxedo. I hope to dazzle them with my attire to distract them from my face.

Coors beer slogan: "we refuse to change." I think we just learned what Jerry Sloan drinks.

Tater: Really? I thought he drank this:

Sirkickyass: Which brings us to Larry Miller's wine choice:Tater: Fisher completely creams Tony Parker, and San Antonio responds by inserting Beno Udrih. AK should be very careful with his knees for the next few minutes.

Sirkickyass: ABC runs a "first four picks in 2005 draft" graphic. Milwaukee embarassed by the Andrew Bogut pick at this point.

Tater: I find it amusing that you point out how Milwaukee must be embarrassed by the Bogut pick and ignore the Hawks' selection of Marvin Williams. It's just a given with the Hawks. And did Matt Bonner just take out Deron Williams? That would be like Clint Eastwood getting taken out by Blacksmith #2 in a western.

Sirkickyass: I think it's more like Charles Bronson getting taken by surprise in the Deathwish films.

Tater: Good, I was worried we weren't going to fulfill our movie reference quota by the end of the night. So, Jazz are going to win this game. Um...what do we do now?

Sirkickyass: Well since you brought up Clint Eastwood I'm getting the best western ever loaded up for after the game: Paint your wagon!

Tater: I wonder how many references to the powder blue shirts there will be in the papers tomorrow.

Sirkickyass: This is true garbage time. Matt Bonner, Rafael Arujao, Ronnie Brewer are all on the floor and Mark Jackson is starting to take over on the announcing end.

Tater: Oh, give Mark Jackson a chance. I think he's shown he can lead a crew.

Did they just say Deron Williams suffered a Stinger?

Wanted for questioning:

Sirkickyass: The jazz are up by 25, there's only 30 seconds left and people aren't streaming for the exits. There really is nothing to do in Utah!

Tater: Jazz win by 26. Uptimism reigns supreme. Somewhere in the Energy Solutions Arena sits YB, tears of joy streaming down his timeworn face. Spontaneously, a song of joy bubbles up from his soul:

"Right now!"

Night, kids.

Quarter 3: Prelude to a loss

Newsflash: Derek Fisher could lose a leg and only be 5% less effective as an NBA player.

ABC may have blown their load in the first two quarters. They already talked about Eva Longoria and showed the "Harpring has a football family" graphic in the first half. They may have to resort to stupid pet tricks in a sidebar by the 4th quarter.

My mother doesn't watch basketball...ever. I tried to explain to her why this website is called harpringsucks.com by explaining to her "Well, Matt Harpring is this player who to the casual fan looks really good, but in reality he's pretty damaging to the team. For some reason he's a fan favorite..." As soon as the words "fan favorite" left my mouth she immediately asked "Is he white?" Remember, she doesn't watch basketball.

Lisa Salters is telling us about Utah's much talked about "deflections statistic." I've never been quite sure why this is some unique thing about Utah's coaching staff. Maybe it's the only thing Tyrone Corbin can pay attention to or something.

For all the talk about how much better the Jazz defense has been in this game the Spurs are still shooting 49%. Then again, I guess half a genocide is better than a full one.

Is anyone else stunned that no one has brought a whistle into the stadium when sitting courtside before? If I was that rich I'm sure I'd make the action freeze once just to screw with the Spurs.

Williams draws the foul as Parker stumbles backward into the ref. The ref puts an arm around his waist lovingly to catch him, sniffs his musk, and pretends to be Eva Longoria.

The game is tied and the crowd goes wild. How low our standards are.

Mark Jackson notes "Derek Fisher is too small to guard Tim Duncan." His remedy? "Another guard should have been there to help Fisher." Mark Jackson's transparent attempt to parlay this ABC thing into a coaching gig goes down in flames.

Deron Williams decided to start playing hard in the 3rd quarter this time. Good for him.

Madame Kicky isnt' watching the game with me tonight. She decided to drive to Kentucky to see Damien Rice with one of her girlfriends instead. Deciding to go see Damien Rice with a girl instead of watching a sport she doesn't care about with me? She must be turning into a lesbian.

Fisher takes a three. He missed, but it was a clutch miss.

I think the theme song for 90% of these commercials gets me more pumped for basketball than the Pussycat Dolls.

As predicted, ABC really scraping for graphics to show us. They have resorted to Google Earth images of the Carlos Boozer vacation tour.

Okur, not content to stand around on defense most of the season is now standing around on offense as well. I'm getting fatter just watching him.

Fabricio Oberto sprained his right thumb "playing basketball." I'm sure his mom believes that one.

Derek Fisher is now 1-3 in the game. That actually increases his field goal percentage for the series to 15.7%. But that's a clutch 15.7%.

Of course, right after I write that he hits a 3 pointer. That accounted for 25% of his made shots in this series.

Bruce Bowen mugs a point guard, only disappointed because he didn't start a near riot like Robert Horry.

Fisher raises his hands in the air, Manu Ginobalding runs past him, and of course Fisher gets called for a foul. I'm not really sure what happened but somewhere right now Violet Palmer agrees with that call.

Jarron Collins attempted to rebound a miss with his face. I wonder if Corbin marked that down as a deflection.

I wonder what would happen if Robert Horry and Derek Fisher faced each other in the finals of a staring contest. There might be an overdose of clutch.

I think the Jazz just had a play where they managed to commit 3 turnovers at once but somehow never lost the ball.

I think Ronnie Brewer is just placing a cardboard cutout of himself near the bench at this point.

Utah is up by 8 and Poppovich still hasn't called a time-out. How Sloan-esque.

I just figured out why the Jazz are winning: Matt Harpring hasn't played a single minute of this quarter.

Ginobili must have a sex tape somewhere starring every ref in the league. It's the only possible explanation.

Someone really green-lit a sequel to Bruce Almighty? Really? Were people really demanding this? What's next, Ishtar 2?

I really wish Vegas would let us bet on how many zits Boozer will have on his forehead in each game.

Ginobili's beard is absurdly patchy. Maybe his face is balding too.

I think Gordan Giricek just did the same roll that Jordi LaForge used to do every time the Enterprise was on fire.

You know who would really increase Utah's chances in this playoff series? Kris Humphries.

Turning it over to tater and some other bum to do an alternating blog for the 4th quarter.

Second-to-Last Game: Quarter Two

-Jarron Collins is 1/1 from the field. This game needs more Collins.

-My parents visited today and brought me an eight-pound bag of french fries. Nothing says I love you like eight pounds of fries. Even better, at some point in a few weeks, I'll be able to finish a plate of fries and think, "hey, I ate eight pounds of fries in the past few weeks." It will be a proud moment.

-At one point, I think the Spurs were starting to get a bit flustered, but they just looked around at their pale-blue surroundings and calmed down. Well done, Utah Jazz Public Relations staff.

-Giricek versus Ginobili. Suddenly, the action stops as they gaze into each other's eyes.

Giricek: "Manu? Manu Ginobili!"
Manu: "Gordan! My long-lost cousin!"
Giricek: "I've looked for you so long, and now I've found...whoop!" *falls for no reason*
Ginobili: *hits three*

-Hey, the Jazz are making a run. Surely this will hold up over the course of the quarter.

-I think at this point, there could be a whole series of paintings titled: "San Antonio Player Hits Three as Matt Harpring Barely Enters the Picture."

-Michael Finley auditions for the painter, but forgets to hit the three.

-ABC commercials just told me American Inventor is back. When was American Inventor here? And what would it take to make me care?

-I wonder when Tony Parker will realize that he's nothing more than a glorified PR-representative for a weasel-looking bad actress.

-Whoa, the Jazz almost ran a fast break. Sure, it didn't end in a layup or anything, but it ended up with one player angled at the basket with the ball in his hand. It's the little victories.

-Harpring fell down as Deron threw him a pass from five feet away. I don't even know why that happened. I'd like to think Harpring's knee joints are actually mousetraps, ready to snap at any time.

-TaterBro, immediately after signing on: "first time i've gotten to see harpring do the falling down for no reason at all deal"

-Harpring catches the ball, pump-fakes, forces Duncan in the air, makes the layup, picks up Duncan's third foul, vanishes as Universe loses semblance of order.

-Ooh, a commercial based on Tron. Surprised Disney hasn't rushed out a remake for that movie yet.

-Holy crap, how many times will ABC run this Harpring Football Family graphic? I'm starting to suspect Harpring's family personally sends out E-mails to every announcer before the game to make sure they get that last little bit of media attention.

-Francisco Elson looks like Kevin Willis after a bout with bulimia.

-JVG demanding Giricek "stand up and take a hit." I don't think that's the tactic JVG used when he took on Alonzo Mourning.

-Oberto gets open by moving diagonally two squares, avoiding "Slick."

Obscure.

-It's probably a bad sign when Tony Parker is able to impose his will physically on your starting PG.

-Tater's Blogging Thought Process: "Hey, Deron has a tattoo on his arm that says DMW. I should make a comment mocking that. What would work? DMW...DMW...hey, Department of Motor Wehicles! Would that be funny enough? Possibly."

*pauses*

"I hate you so much."

-"Boozer just throws Horry to the ground."

JVG: "HE DIDN'T THROW HIM."

*shows replay*

*sounds of laughter*

-Jazz cut it to 5. Believe it or not, they've made progress in this quarter. It's the power of the Powder Blue. Positive thinking through colors.

-TaterBro: "i bet if the jazz fans did the wave, it would be the first time it looked like the real thing" See, being unfunny runs in the family.

-Harpring in for Boozer, some potential for hijinks in the last minute of the half.

-Fisher just hit his third field goal of the series, but I assure you, it was clutch.

-And the Jazz are only down 4 at halftime. To take you through the break, I present you with a brief song, to the tune of "Right Now":

Light Blue
We're sitting in the stands
Light Blue
We're clapping with our hands
Light Blue
We're easily satisfied fans
Light Blue
We're wearing powder blue
Light Blue
Threat'ning colors we eschew
Light Blue
'til the San Antonio sweep is through

Harp sucks
Harp sucks
Harp sucks
Harp sucks

-Over to Kicks.

Game 3: Quarter 1

This better not suck. Jazz win the tip; that's a good start! Booz with a nice power move down low . . . bring it on. Duncan answers with a banked jumper. Banked jumper? What the?

Tater's right. "Only Utah could think light blue is intimidating."

Fish with an MLA! "He continues to struggle, now 2-17 from the field in the series." And this is noteworthy news?

I loved that article in one of the Salt Lake newspapers today. Something like, "Fisher hasn't been shooting well in the series, 2-16, though Memo hasn't been much better, 7-28." That's TWICE as good, peoples. Classic reporting.

Tater: Jazz team strategy: "GET THE BALL TO FISHER!" Foolproof, Tater. Foolproof.

Sloan sticking with his guns and not calling a timeout to stop the run. Genius.

Nice yellow tie by UncleOfIze, picked out by yours truly a few months ago. No wonder I like it so much.

Ginobili just hit a three. If I cussed, I'd cuss right now.

Kicky: "that was a perfect Utah Jazz offensive possession." Referring to the Spurs, fascinatingly enough.

Collins with a bucket?! I'm trying to overcome the shock. His second field goal of the playoffs? Am I dead? Have I gone to heaven? And now a foul against Collins. Things are back to normal.

I love the graphic they just showed for Bowen: 1-1 FG, 3 PTs. Info boxes like that this early in the game just don't seem all that informative, for some reason. Just me?

Oh goody! Another Tranformers preview. I guess if I want to stop seeing the preview, I need to stop going to movies and watching TV. Check. And hey, now there's a Coors Light pregnancy test commercial--Lady Kicky is probably ready to scratch someone's eyes out right about now.

Now both Fisher and Harp are in; finally this live-blog can attempt to be funny. Harp waves both of his hands. He knows just how to entertain us! And then some stellar D. He really wants those at HarpringSucks.com to be enjoying this viewing experience. Selfless move, man.

"I really like this unit that Jerry Sloan has in the game right now." You just can't make this stuff up. This lineup, however, IS great for entertainment purposes. Right, boys? I fully expect Tater and Kicky to come up with "Zing!" moments in the following quarters.

"I'm so tired of all the flopping going on." Seriously, you can't make this up. This is coming from Mark Jackson? Or Jeff Van Gundy?

Notice how Harp is always "defending" three-point shooters? It's good comedy; it's good fun.

Game Three: Intro and Invocation

Ah, another fine night of NBA on ABC. And yes, that means even more PussyCat Dolls. However, for those that are growing tired of "Right Now," I offer you the following alternative via suggestion from Kicky:



Ah, John Tesh.



Does that picture not scream to you "NBA Playoffs"? Does it not call to mind images of war are conflict? Does it not beg you to oil your chest and leap into his manly arms?

Er...me neither.

There's nothing like a Game Three where a generally boring team is down 2-0 and the networks scramble for some storyline or hook to interest the viewers. This time, the pundits have latched onto the following statement:

"I don't think we're playing the game we played in the first or second round," Kirilenko said after practice Thursday. "I think we're playing weaker. I don't know why. Probably, we kind of not really believe in ourselves. Probably, we think probably that's our ceiling, for this moment. Maybe."
Pressed on why he thinks the Jazz might have maxed out for the moment or begun to lack confidence heading into Game 3 against the Spurs at EnergySolutions Arena on Saturday, Kirilenko clarified his comments.
"I just said, 'Maybe,' '' he said. "It's not a fact. Just maybe. I hope it's not. All we can do right now is just compete every game."

Let's look at some important phrases in that quote. "Probably, we think probably that's our ceiling." "It's not a fact. Just maybe. I hope it's not." So, if I understand correctly--and who knows if anyone does, judging from AK's past struggles with the English language--he thinks the team might not be playing to potential because they feel they've reached their ceiling for the year and have had enough success. A valid point-of-view, and he makes it clear that he's not on that side. Of course, SLTrib follows with this:

Several of Kirilenko's teammates still discounted the idea that they have reached their potential for this season and simply need more time to grow into the kind of team that can seriously contend for a championship.

Wait, what? I thought he discounted the idea himself! Read his quote! And of course, the Trib follows with this quote from Boozer:

"That's terrible," he added. "That's a terrible attitude, if you ask me. I hope all the guys are on the same page as I am, that we can get better in the next two days and have a great Game 3 and change the outlook of the series. But we have to have that mentality first."

If SLTrib is using their usual journalistic integrity, I'm sure the question asked him was: "AK just said the team has reached their ceiling, do you agree?"

Of course, Grant Hill just said he'd be disappointed if he were AK's teammate and would question why he's giving up on the team, and Wilbon echoed his comments. Sorry, AK, it doesn't matter what you said. It matters what the media wants you to say.

And somehow, I have a feeling this will be a bigger story after a Game Three than the missed coaching assignments, nonexistent support from the bench, and second-quarter collapses.

SLTrib, I applaud you for once again supporting your team. Time to write another fluff piece on the Jazz's hard-nosed style.

Turning it over to Team Girl Power for the first quarter. I'll be blogging the second quarter, after the Jazz have given false hope in the first that quickly dissolves into a double-digit deficit by halftime.

[edit: Hey, just found this quote from Thursday: "We can beat this team," forward Andrei Kirilenko said. "We know that." Wonder why that's not getting any coverage?]

[double edit: And hey, this quote from the same interview in a different newspaper: "San Antonio is a great team, but it's a great opportunity for us to show we're really on that level," Kirilenko said. Gads, I hate SLMedia.]

For Those That Came in Late

HarpringSucks just reached it's 100th post. For some blogs, this would be a milestone. For HarpringSucks, it just means we've done way too many frickin' live-blogs. However, for those readers that either were late arrivals to the blog or didn't realize the blog occasionally had actual content, here are a few of the key posts in its history, in chronological order:

The Mission Statement: Everything you need to know about the website. In retrospect, Fisher needed to be mentioned much, much more.

The Deadliest Catch: Sig's masterpiece on Derek Fisher. Highlights the fundamental flaw in the Jazz's acquiring of Fisher: he sucks at basketball.

Utah Jazz Bingo: a solid concept from Bordelais7. Unfortunately, it fails due to its inclusion of "Brewer Missed Jumper," which requires Brewer to actually play a minute.

Perfect Strangers: Jazz Edition: My one shining moment wherein I demonstrate entirely too much knowledge of a gimmicky late '80s sitcom.

Everything You Ever Learned About Leadership is Bullshit: the one post from OSR. Notice the teaser for a never-written "Chapter Two."

Clutch: In my eyes, the single greatest HarpringSucks post. Fisher sucks.

The Inquiry Parts One and Two: YB's magisterial effort to include every single HS inside joke in two posts. "Is that an impressive feat, ten things in two items?"

IJSPD Flow Chart: Kicky takes HarpringSucks into the world of visualization. Probably still holds the record for comments.

HarpringSucks.com Quiz: You've read the blog, now take the quiz.

Caption This Photo: In which Ize manages to get more comments than the rest of us in about 1/80th the time.

SJF's LiveBlog: I've avoided the live-blogs to this point, but this post must be pointed out for garnering the most negative reaction of any post in HarpringSucks history. Why? It's SJF.

There you have it. The first 100 posts.

We might make it to 113.

[Edit: How could I forget? Madame Kicky's Entrance: the only reason Kicky was let on board in the first place.]

Despite the Lipstick, It's Still a Pig

The Utah Jazz are in the Western Conference Finals.

That sentence needs to stand alone for effect. Nobody expected the team to be playing as May winds down, but yet, here they are. Amazing. A team that limped to the finish line with what seemed to be a lot of inner strife is in the NBA Final Four. What an accomplishment! Whan an achievement! What an indictment of how poor the NBA is today!



I know what you are probably thinking. You're thinking "YB, why do you have to put a downer on what has been a great season?" Well, because it has not been a great season. Let's not forget how bad the team looked from mid-March through the end of the season. Let's not forget that they lost nine of their last eleven road games. And let's not forget that they lost their last three home games that mattered.



The Jazz, to their credit, have beaten two teams in the playoffs that were very favorable matchups for them. The Rockets were a two man show and the Warriors possibly shared a brain among the team. The Jazz were able to exploit the opponents' weaknesses and win the respective series. Now, they are facing the team that has long been the schoolyard bully to them. Not only are the Spurs taking the Jazz's lunch money and running their underwear up the flagpole, they are laughing while doing it. They will continue to laugh. Oh, sure, the Jazz might win a game or two in Salt Lake but is that really an accomplishment?



The Jazz, as currently constructed, will not win a game in San Antonio. Not today. Not next week. Not in the near future. And that is the problem. The current "success" of the team will make it very difficult to justify making some of the moves that are necessary for the team to ever get to turn the tables on the bully.


Will the Jazz ever find the player who can look Tim Duncan in the eye and not cower away from him? Will they ever find the player who might be able to slow down Manu Ginobalding? They won't if they don't look, and right now I can predict the quotes coming from the Jazz Front Office: "We like our team. This is a good young team that made it all the way to the Western Conference Finals. We don't need to do anything drastic." Two out of the three sentences will be big themes during July. Possibly all three.



Is this really a Conference Finals team or is it a team that made the best of good fortune? Many fans will say that since they are still playing, they must be a Conference Finals team. Other fans might recognize that the team limped to the end, had some serious internal issues that were made public, and were able to defeat two teams that they should have beaten. Some of the players have really stepped up: Carlos Boozer has become an offensive and rebounding force, even coming through in the clutch. Deron Williams is staking claim to the title of Next Great Point Guard. Andrei Kirilenko has wiped his tears, bucked up, and gotten back into the fight. Paul Millsap is not afraid of anybody. And that's where I stop. Where is Mehmet Okur? Where is the leadership of the Great Veterans, Montecore Fisher and Harpringsucks? Where is a two-guard? Will the team ever play defense?



Until these questions get answered, the Jazz will be able to enjoy the glow of being a Conference Finals team. They will likely go into next season with pretty much the same team, with minor changes such as a new backup center (Aaron Gray) and no Ronnie Brewer (first round picks not in the top three are expendable). They will advertise the team as Western Conference Finalist, but no matter how much lipstick they put on it, it is still a pig.








Let me leave you with this last deep thought:

Right now

Let the fool world break in two

Right now

Stars can stumble from the blue

Right now

Just as long as I'm with you

Uh huh

Uh huh

Uh huh

Uh huh

Harpring Sucks.

Fourth Quarter: In Which The Jazz Are Blown Out While Kicky and Tater Discuss Pokemon

-Tater: I'm trying to figure out if I'm going to be the Mark Jackson or the Jeff Van Gundy of this liveblog. Or better yet, Bolerjack.

Fourth quarter! Buckle up!

-Sirkickyass: You can be whomever you want out of that list for the 4th quarter. My plan is to engage in Bill Walton hyperbole and non-sequitors.

-Tater: Speaking of which, that was the greatest MLA in the history of western civilization. I think I give Fisher about 50% odds on hitting his next shot.

-Sirkickyass: 50%?! That might be a career high.

-Tater: Holla. Derek Fisher with the layup. I tell you, some players have veteran leadership, and Fisher is one of those players.

-Sirkickyass: Point #1) Some players also have herpes. Matt Harpring is one of those players.

Point #2) You made a Q-Bert joke and said "holla" in back to back posts. You're either being willfully lame in a Zach Braff in "Scrubs" kind of way or you've been attending the David Blaine school of comedy.

-Tater: I resent tha--zoinks! *pratfalls with arms full of assorted folders*

-Sirkickyass: This explains why Harpring started falling over randomly two seasons ago: he's a "Scrubs" fan.

-Tater: That and the fact that his knee looks like this:


I just did a Google Image Search for sponge, and received no porn. Surprising.

And how in heck was that not a shooting fall for Millsap?

-Sirkickyass: I just learned something from this broadcast I'd never heard before. Tater: Did you know that the game is 48 minutes long? Jeff Van Gundy thought it was very important to remind us of that.

-Tater: Does that mean a quarter is 12 minutes?

-Sirkickyass: If you shoot 38% on average for a 10 year career, how bad do you have to be playing for it to count as a slump?

-Tater: If you're named Derek Fisher, you don't have slumps. You just have less-clutch shots.

I really appreciated Sloan pulling AK and leaving Harp and Fisher out there, with the Spurs then getting five quick points as nobody on the Jazz seemed able to help on defense. You would think that lesson would have been learned after 90+ games this year. I have a suspicion if Pavlov did his experiments on Sloan, Sloan wouldn't salivate when a bell rang.

-Sirkickyass: Derek Fisher just ran out of bounds with the ball. On the bright side, at least he didn't shoot. Up until this point I thought that was his solution for every possible problem. Sort of like how Christopher Lowell solves all decorating problems by draping things. Ummmm....not that I watch those kind of shows.

-Tater: ...

Um. Yeah.

Finley just blew by Fisher for a reverse jam, with the ball hitting Fisher in the face on the follow-through, after which Fisher slumped his shoulders and hung his head. Isn't that something Sloan generally dislikes from players? Hanging their heads and the such?

-Sirkickyass: I work for a federal judge. My fellow law clerk is a man who is terminally boring and is so passive he probably couldn't kill a fly if he tried. For obvious reasons I mock him mercilessly about things he can't control (his cleft palate, his silly last name etc) when out of earshot of our boss. Interestingly this seems to have made him the submissive worker and it's allowed me to curry favor with the judge so that I'm the favored law clerk.

I only bring this up because I think that similar circumstances are the only explanation for why Derek Fisher continues to play big minutes over Ronnie Brewer.

Tater: Sorry, phased out with "fellow law clerk."

Harpring's continued presence in this game demands explanation. He has a.)not played defense on a single player that I have seen, b.)not hit a shot, c.)not thrown a good pass, and d.)been Matt Harpring. And he's played 20+ minutes.

In completely unrelated news, I'm trying to figure out which Jazz player should be Psyduck.

Sirkickyass: You know what I enjoyed more than watching this game?

That's what.

Also, any Pokemon related analogy needs to include Rafael Arujao as Snorelax.

-Tater: It's spelled "Snorlax." Jeez.

*pushes glasses up with forefinger*

The Hindenburg analogy is particularly apt if you replace the passengers with Jazz fans and the burning hydrogen with hopes and dreams.

-Sirkickyass: Interesting Hindenberg-related fact: Part of the reason it burned so fast is because they painted the surface of the blimp with paint that happened to be made out of the same materials that we now use in jet fuel. OOOOOPS!

I think it's safe to call Jerry Sloan the paint on this game.

-Tater: OK, Williams has safely salvaged his game as a good one by inflating his stats with some late-fourth-quarter baskets. Perhaps someone should tell him there's not a rule against attacking the basket in the first three quarters.

Jazz down 0-2 in the series.

Fisher down 2-15.

Fin.

Third Quarter: A Defense of the Main PussyCat Doll

-I'm taking issue with Kicky's aspersions against the main PussyCat Doll as the #3 ugliest. For reference, see:

I'm thinking, left to right, 6/2/4/5/1/3. And that's a flattering picture of Ms. Second-From-the-Left. I will argue, however, that the PCD are a better group than the Spice Girls. Why?
As has been astutely pointed out by Jazz fans and Nigel Tufnel alike, 6 is one better than 5, now, isn't it?

-My take on the first half: Capt. Phil had a great segment, opilio season looks like it really sucks, and I hope Capt. Sig can get the Northwestern back into open sea in the near future. And yes, I did see a solid five minutes of Game 2 in the cracks. I saw AK throw a ball from beyond halfcourt to the other end of the court without touching a single player, Fisher being Fisher, and Matt Harpring guarding Derek Fisher. That was enough.

-Congratulations to the Portland Trailblazers. Unfortunately, it now seems that Greg Oden, a generally likable and upstanding young man, has several dozen "marijuana possession" arrests in his near future.

-Sloan says he doesn't think the Jazz were intimidated this game, just lost their composure for a bit. And somehow, the results are almost exactly the same.

-The Jazz playoff slogan should be changed to: "We just cut it to 16."

-Okur gets a wide-open layup, almost manages to throw it over the backboard. I would say he's intimidated, but I guess he just lost his composure.

-JVG mentions that he thinks the court should be widened by a foot. Both of his associates laugh at his witty assertion before realizing he was being serious.

-‹IzeOfLight› "Derek Fisher still trying to find the range." HE ONLY HAD IT FOR A WEEK.

-Quick delay as I change my font back to black. Could Ize be any more of a girl?

-JVG is now taking it as his personal mission to make NBA basketball courts bigger. I'm sure he has a point, and the NBA has always been conducive to large-scale change. I mean, Stern is surely admitting the problems in NBA rules lately, is he not?

-Fisher still trying to find the range.

-Now hiring: liveblog writer. Must be willing to write fourth quarter liveblogs for blowout NBA games. Availability: two more games. Humor optional.

-JVG getting ready to "lose his mind" on the rebounds the Spurs are getting on free throws. Probably wondering why the Jazz are giving up so many against the Spurs and didn't as much against the Rockets. Here's one reason: the Rockets sucked.

-Timeout called as Derek Fisher proves to the Utah trainer that he can, in fact, smell his lip.

-Oberto called for the blocking foul. Little known fact, but Oberto is a member of the powerful Bert family, and is the oldest of three children. His youngest brother achieved some notoriety in the video-game industry.

However, to distance himself from what he considered a trivial pursuit by his sibling, Obert added an additional "O" to the end of his name.

-Fisher now 0-6, 1-13 in the series. Surprising, he was shooting 46% thus far, I had no idea he might correct down to his 40% career post-season average. I am, after all, an optimist.

-Jazz two points away from cutting it down to 16.

-Okur with the great pump-fake, jump into defender, and long-distance jumper for the shot and foul. Unfortunately, he just skipped cutting it to 16 and went straight to 14.

-Duncan goes to his most productive move: dribbling the ball, shoving a shoulder into the defender, and bugging his eyes at the referee. Two FTs forthcoming.

-Matt Harpring looks absolutely lost on the basketball court. I haven't seen him make anything resembling a positive contribution thus far. And yet, he's been better than Fisher.

-Jacques Vaughn is still contributing to the Jazz, years after he left the team. Tonight, he's helping by getting playing time for the Spurs.

-With his 1-13 performance in the third round, Fisher is now shooting 41.1% in the playoffs. He's due to miss another pair and then hit one. I'm sure it will be a big one.

-Okur clanks a 3-pointer off the back of the rim at the shot clock buzzer, 24-second violation. Wait...what?

-I like to imagine every time Millsap gets the ball at the top of the key it resets his brain, which then takes six seconds to boot up. At that point, he will then pass the ball laterally, and the gameplay starts again. A similar phenomenon happened with Greg Ostertag.

And Sloan keeps calling that play.

"Hey, guys, let's see how long he'll hold the ball without passing this time!"

-And the Spurs push the deficit back to...wait for it...16.

-For the fourth quarter, we'll be trying something a bit different which might end up in catastrophic failure. The joint live-blog. I'm sure all 6 of you reading are on the edge of your seats.

This 2nd Quarter Better Not Suck

It's the newly-engaged Ize, blogging my first quarter here at HarpringSucks.com. I'm not really engaged; Kicky just assumes that since I'm going on Date #2 with a boy we'll currently call GorgeousGuyWho'sAlsoAJazzFan, it'll happen any day now. Something about living in Provo and going to the Y.

Whenever they show those commercials with the Jazz players at the hospitals visiting the sick kids? I cry.

I'm such a frickin' chick.

Yeah, it's easy to take the ball to the rim when everyone flees, Ginobili. Nice replay. Nice D, Jazz.

(that wasn't in the second quarter; rather, it was a reply from the last game, and a play from the first quarter of this game)

"I love Paul Millsap." I don't know which commentator said that, but I'm sure there are giggles in closets with that comment.

Giri with a horrible play on D, fouling a jumpshooter. I thought it was Harp at first. But he was flexing enough for it to be Harp.

"Giricek, in and out, and in again." You've got to be kidding.

This is starting to get ugly. Let's think about things that are pretty. I want a princess-cut ring with princess-cut sidestones. Platinum or white gold.

Harp with an MLA. Nothing new, really.

Ginobili did us a great favor and only hit the backboard on that shot. Let's say it was great D by Giri, just for fun.

How many women are watching this to make it worth Head and Shoulders' money?

Has anyone seen UncleOfIze yet? I need to make sure I approve of his tie selection--he's not very good at rotating his ties. He wore the same one three games in a row last week.

Okur hit the side of the backboard. Then airballed. Eeshk.

Kicky: I love Ize open lusting after a princess cut ring.

Yep.

We're down by 9. This quarter isn't looking pretty. Now 11. Do we need more ring talk or something?

I think I hear Tater's head exploding somewhere. Or see him shaking his tiny fist or something.

Fisher dribbled the ball of his foot. Looks like we Fisher-Haters are back to being right. 98% of the time isn't all that bad. Then, of course, the Spurs hit a shot.

Okur hit another 3. See how quickly Pop calls the timeouts? Why can't Sloan do that? Maybe we could put a stop to these runs, and stop finding ourselves down by 14.

I think ESPN found the only 3-second blip of Sloan during that timeout where four-letter words WEREN'T used.

Harp with a great pick-up and pass to Fisher who bricked the 3. I was starting to think that play was going to be too good to be true. San Antonio, of course, scored on the other end.

Awesome D on Parker by Harp. [/sarcasm] That looked like all ball by Booz.

Apparently I'm being too girly. I guess I need to make a comment about Booz's acne or something to make it better.

Holy crap. Spurs up by 17. This second quarter sucked. I'm noticing a pattern. And I'm stating the obvious.

Quarter 1: the post-draft show

Congratulations to the Boston Celtics, I'm sure you'll get a great player at number 5.

The biggest lottery loser (besides Boston): the Utah Jazz. Anyone else think that with Oden and Durant likely going to Portland and Seattle that the Northwest division is suddenly one of the toughest in basketball? So much for a Utah dynasty in the division.

Is anyone else vaguely disappointed Isiah wasn't involved in the lottery process? We've totally been robbed of our opportunity to see Aaron Gray go #1 or something.

Everyone should leave comments congratulating IzeofLight: she's functionally engaged as of this week.

Apparently all of the Pussycat Doll's singing is done by one woman (the 3rd ugliest one), so the others are all there solely for window dressing. You'd think they could have done a better job than that if they were going only for looks. I've seen more attractive lineups in the "male line" at bars named things like "cattyshack."

Boozer just had pretty much the greatest inside drive I've ever seen...you know if the goal was to throw the ball 5 feet straight in the air without hitting the rim.

Mehmet Okur tries to sink a flying reverse lay-up. Someone needs to take away his Jordan highlight tape.

I think I'd pay roughly $250 to see Tim Duncan wear a headband and play on the Warriors. He'd be launching 4 threes a game by his second week.

The announcers are going on and on about Oberto's ability to move without the ball. Apparently he had the same surgery that John Starks did.

I love the 45 second long discussion of how well AK can block shots "after the foul." Somehow the words "doesn't count in the box score were never used either."

Mehmet Okur just took (and made) a 35 foot shot. I'm willing to bet Sloan yanks him in the next two minutes for not working the ball inside.

Gregg Poppovich calls time-out. Interestingly the madder he gets the deeper the craters in his face seem to appear. Sort of like he's got some sort of anger suction cups on his face.

Oooooh, they just showed the transformers movie trailer. Unfortunately this can't top the last one which featured the voices of Leonard Nimoy and Orson Welles as Unicron. Yes, Orson Welles was in a Transformers movie. Look it up!

Tim Duncan and Tony Parker just gave interviews talking about how much they appreciate each other. It's a good thing they interviewed them separately or they may have started showing each other the angry inch. I'm pretty sure Parker was putting on lipstick by the end of that interview.

Apparently referee Bennett Salvatore owns a steak house in Connecticut. Being that he's an NBA referee he's probably absolutely convinced that it's actually in Vermont and issued a technical to the guy who printed the address on the menus.

Is anyne else excited about the prospect of Stephen A. Smith yelling at halftime? Where does "an argument between Stephen A. Smith and Dick Vitale" rate on ESPN's decibel meter?

Madame Kicky isn't with me tonight because she decided to take a nap after spending all day researching a law suit where there is no plaintiff. Imagine how tired she'll be when there are actually two sides to a case.

Apparently the best advertiser ESPN could find for this game was the NCAA Men's lacrosse championship. I'm sure they paid for that ad in cash they found between their couch cushions.

Does anyone else think it looks like Tony Parker uses Ron Popeil's spray-on hair?

Michelle Tafoya just referred to Carlos Boozer as the "Jazz' Shaq" and wasn't ironically talking about his injury history. I'm sort of disappointed.

Matt Harpring just did an incredible manuever that can only be described as an "off the ball" crossover. I'm not certain what he thought that "shake and bake" move was going to do to his defender when he didn't have the ball. I can only guess he actually suffered a minor seizure.

The announcers are spending a lot of time talking about Jacque Vaughn's previous years with the Jazz. I have no idea why this is relevant. Did anyone currently on the Jazz every actually play with Jacque Vaughn? As far as I can tell the only reason he's still in the league is because his name sounds vaugely french and Chad Ford put him high on his draft board thinking he was a hot euro prospect.

Over to Ize for the second quarter. Have fun with our estrogen infusion for the second quarter.